Blindsided by daughter..what is the way forward?

Skydancer

I tend to disagree with a lot of what has been said. You simply love your family and, if they don't want to heed your advice, they don't have to. For goodness sake, you are the grandparents. Surely you can say what you think if you are just trying to be helpful. They don't have to listen. I wouldn't apologise as you have done nothing wrong. My late mother-in-law had a saying, "Don't bow to your cradle." It seems everything you have said or done is with good intentions. If I were you I'd just hang back a bit and let them get on with doing things their way. Keep your opinions to yourself as this daughter is obviously particularly touchy. In all honesty you probably do know best when it comes to a lot of things as do most of us grandparents due to a lifetime of experience.

I will always apologise, especially to friends and family. Even if I think I've done nothing wrong, I've obviously done/said something to upset them. Usually it just turns out to be a misunderstanding, or someone has misheard or misinterpreted something and we end up laughing. But sometimes it's me who is wrong and the apology is warranted and accepted.

Either way I've lost nothing and the apology makes the other person feel better and opens up the path for discussion.

People are complicated. We don't all think in the same way. What one person thinks is interfering is construed by others as being helpful and vice versa. All it takes is a hormone surge to get most of us on edge and something can go from mildly irritating to extremely annoying in a flash and then a full scale battle breaks out.

Indeed DL.

Agree with sink

theworriedwell

DiamondLily

It’s a balancing act of respecting them, as parents, and not keep giving advice, but also setting your own “boundaries” to make it clear that you aren’t dancing to their tune endlessly either.

Good relationships are a two way street. Communication is key. 🙂

Well absolutely, if Scotsnana's DD is giving unsolicited advice, being negative, discussing Scotsnana's life with other people then she needs to stop and respect those boundaries. It is indeed a 2 way street. I'd hate it if my DD was constantly being negative round me and as for discussing me with other people that is a complete no no, I'm a very private person and I'd be furious.

Yes, it should be a two way street of communication, maintaining privacy, and mutual respect. 🙂

DiamondLily

It’s a balancing act of respecting them, as parents, and not keep giving advice, but also setting your own “boundaries” to make it clear that you aren’t dancing to their tune endlessly either.

Good relationships are a two way street. Communication is key. 🙂

Well absolutely, if Scotsnana's DD is giving unsolicited advice, being negative, discussing Scotsnana's life with other people then she needs to stop and respect those boundaries. It is indeed a 2 way street. I'd hate it if my DD was constantly being negative round me and as for discussing me with other people that is a complete no no, I'm a very private person and I'd be furious.

Posting here does give the poster the opportunity to hear from a variety of perspectives; from those who are estranged, avoided estrangement, fear being estranged and those who have no estrangement experience.

Not a bad thing to get as many points of view as you can.

Apologies JustAThought, I see pouring out one's heart into multiple pages was referring to the OP's daughter.

{hmm] then again if she obviously cares, and would rather not lose her one and only mother JustAThought she may, if she knows the OP is her mother, be more predisposed to discuss this with her mum in person, rather than just putting it in a letter.

TBF I think in addition to the OP, Scotsnana's only made one other post so hardly pouring (her) heart out into multiple pages.

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JustAThought

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Well, if we all have to give our own backgrounds to any reply, it's going to get a bit clogged down with everyone.

Some on here are estrangers, some estrangees, and some bounce about.

Does it matter?

I'm sure we all give honest advice. 🙂

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I would think that by posting on an estrangement forum, a poster will expect to get responses from those who are estranged JustAThought, it kind of goes with the territory if you see what I mean.

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People fearing estrangement often post on this forum Norah.
Maybe they feel that those who have been estranged or feared being estranged but were fortunate enough to avoid it, will have a better understanding of how they're feeling.

Norah

Why is this in the Estranged Forum? I didn't read any estrangement, just a well laid in plan to avoid being estranged by excess pride.

To help prevent an estrangement, I guess. 🙂

It’s a balancing act of respecting them, as parents, and not keep giving advice, but also setting your own “boundaries” to make it clear that you aren’t dancing to their tune endlessly either.

Good relationships are a two way street. Communication is key. 🙂

Why is this in the Estranged Forum? I didn't read any estrangement, just a well laid in plan to avoid being estranged by excess pride.

Oh, how I feel for you. It is so easy to get ‘banished’ like this. It’s happened to me.
At the same time we are doing an excellent job of childcare . We look after our grandson once a week and know from the feedback that they are very grateful. But I honestly feel as if I can never even venture an opinion without worrying it will be seen as ‘going too far’. And I’m talking about minor things here, such as asking about what type of snowsuit/puddle suit is best. I daren’t express any view at all and am now brilliant at keeping quiet about pretty much everything. It makes the relationship rather tense and I long for the heart to hearts I used to have with my daughter. BUT we are in their lives.
I think what concerns me most is that my daughter’s generation are unwilling to talk about any tricky issues that arise. It is easier for them to ‘cancel’ us in the name of ‘self preservation’. THat leaves us out in the cold until they are ready to have us back again.
It is so hurtful and I know that I would never have treated my parents like that. My mother was incredibly difficult but she was entitled to see and spend time with her grandchildren .
Families are difficult things to navigate.
I think we tend to go with the ebb and flow and stay positive (and encourage a proper chat when things have got bad) whereas they jump to judge us . If I hear the words ‘boundary’ or ‘self preservation ‘ again I might just scream.

Skydancer

*Your opinion is unsolicited advice is acceptable or somehow helpful?

I'm believe in apology. What can be wrong with an apology?*

Norah I absolutely agree with apologies if someone has done something wrong. But, it seems to me, all the OP has done is try to help. Her helpfulness has been misconstrued.

I'd find it easy to issue an apology for "discussing his schooling, no negativity, no questioning any decisions they make, no discussing her family with anyone else" -- none of that is helpful in any way, imo.

I don't discuss my children's school decisions for theirs - why would I, none of my business. They, by chance, send theirs where they attended.

Why would anyone discuss one family with another? Gossip.

Why be negative? Plenty of negativity in the world without adding any.

Exactly Skydancer.

Scotsnana She wrote me a six page letter last week, saying we are too involved in their lives. She will only agree to see us again if we agree to several boundaries.

I missed that bit - read too fast.

Wonderful her grievances are detailed in writing. You can read and adapt easily without further upset and do what she asks.

She's giving you a 6 page plan to follow. Perhaps just do it!

I don't understand what is so outrageous about apologizing to mend fences. You don't have to roll around on the floor begging and pleading. How much does a relationship mean to you if you can't respect someone's boundaries and say "I'm sorry, I will try to do better"?

It is really so simple.

Plenty of good advice here in the early comments. Listen to the wrong people and end up estranged forever. This letter is the warning you get before you get cut.

*Your opinion is unsolicited advice is acceptable or somehow helpful?

I'm believe in apology. What can be wrong with an apology?*

Norah I absolutely agree with apologies if someone has done something wrong. But, it seems to me, all the OP has done is try to help. Her helpfulness has been misconstrued.

Ziggy62 do you stay at your daughter's house, or a hotel nearby.
It does help to have somewhere to retreat to during a visit if either of you need a break!