Blindsided by daughter..what is the way forward?

Good point DL, the written word can come across unintentionally as unfeeling, causing upset when none was intended.

Other people can sometimes ask us questions about a family member just because they're interested.
If it's a sensitive matter I always say it's not my story to tell, if they want to know they'll have to ask the person themselves.

NotSpaghetti

I think as someone said upthread an apology is a good start.
"I never intended to hurt you. I'm SO sorry that I did"

Simply accept you have hurt her and strive to change what upsets her. I think you will soon find a happy "new normal".
Good luck.

Indeed.

Smileless2012

It wouldn't work for me either DL. Hopefully as you say, the OP and her D will be able to have a frank and honest proper discussion in time.

In the end, honest discussion works best. There are all sorts of misunderstandings that arise with letters, texts or Emails.

But, sometimes it takes a bit of time.

Skydancer

I tend to disagree with a lot of what has been said. You simply love your family and, if they don't want to heed your advice, they don't have to. For goodness sake, you are the grandparents. Surely you can say what you think if you are just trying to be helpful. They don't have to listen. I wouldn't apologise as you have done nothing wrong. My late mother-in-law had a saying, "Don't bow to your cradle." It seems everything you have said or done is with good intentions. If I were you I'd just hang back a bit and let them get on with doing things their way. Keep your opinions to yourself as this daughter is obviously particularly touchy. In all honesty you probably do know best when it comes to a lot of things as do most of us grandparents due to a lifetime of experience.

Your opinion is unsolicited advice is acceptable or somehow helpful?

I'm believe in apology. What can be wrong with an apology?

Looking back (a long way!), my mother was always questioning my parenting and I always resented it. She thought she knew best, I thought I'm the one working at the coalface now, so please let me get on with it. Of course, I don't know you or your daughter, so my views may not make sense. However, for what it's worth, I think yours is probably a fairly normal family dynamic - made more sensitive by all the worry that your grandson's needs are causing both of you. Stay patient and don't withdraw your moral support (which she really needs) but also don't offer any more suggestions (which she really doesn't want). Maybe just suggest to her that you both draw a line and start again with each other? If that's possible? Best of luck to you all.

Oh I agree Skydancer I must have missed the post suggesting Scotsnana apologise.

I tend to disagree with a lot of what has been said. You simply love your family and, if they don't want to heed your advice, they don't have to. For goodness sake, you are the grandparents. Surely you can say what you think if you are just trying to be helpful. They don't have to listen. I wouldn't apologise as you have done nothing wrong. My late mother-in-law had a saying, "Don't bow to your cradle." It seems everything you have said or done is with good intentions. If I were you I'd just hang back a bit and let them get on with doing things their way. Keep your opinions to yourself as this daughter is obviously particularly touchy. In all honesty you probably do know best when it comes to a lot of things as do most of us grandparents due to a lifetime of experience.

Children who are neuro diverse can be quite exhausting.
My adult daughter is neuro diverse and because of location we only see each other 2 or 3 times a year, something I always look forward to so much.
Last month within an hour of my arrival she said "Do you know you're getting on my nerves already?"
My point being it's hurtful but better our daughters can be honest and talk to us about how they feel rather than cut themselves off (as so many here are well aware)
Please follow her requests and keep in mind coping with a neuro diverse child will be so difficult for her and won't get any easier
Thinking of you xx

I think as someone said upthread an apology is a good start.
"I never intended to hurt you. I'm SO sorry that I did"

Simply accept you have hurt her and strive to change what upsets her. I think you will soon find a happy "new normal".
Good luck.

Not sure why walking on eggshells come into it. Respect adults decisions about their children unless you think they are abusive. Discussing your adult children's business is surely something that shouldn't even need mentioning. Why would not being negative be problem. People being negative is so draining and must be even worse if you are dealing with providing the best for a child with autism.

Some good advice on here.Some years ago a work colleague was very upset when her DD did much the same, not by letter but verbally.After appreciating all the help given by her parents for years, she had a few sessions of talking therapy which made her then very resentful of her parents and told them they were too involved in her life.She had no way of getting to the sessions and had asked her parents to drive her there!
Seems that sometimes parents can’t win.
Step back as asked but stay friendly. Better for you in the long run.I don’t know how old your DGS is but he’ll surely ask to see you.For Christmas leave it to your DD to decide or in a few weeks just ask them over for a meal?

Your daughter has given you a gift - how to maintain a relationship with you! Isn't that what you want?

I also see those boundaries as realistic and don't see anything wrong with them

Please learn from my case - I gave a similar list to my parents and they still thought they knew what was best for me.
We have been estranged now for more than a decade and still don't know why

You have a chance here to avoid it. Take it.

I agree with Septimia

It wouldn't work for me either DL. Hopefully as you say, the OP and her D will be able to have a frank and honest proper discussion in time.

theworriedwell

DiamondLily

I’m a gran to 5 adult grandchildren, and two adult children.

Over the years, I have made sure that I don’t really express any opinions on childrearing, even if I don’t necessarily agree.

If I’m asked, and only then, I will make suggestions.

Lots of biting of tongue. 😉. It’s worked well for many years.

Give it time, and I’m sure this can be resolved. There’s nothing really adrift here - just a breakdown in communications.

Best wishes. 💐

Yes that is the recipe for happy relationships. My husband has been know to be a bit opinionated and I have to remind him how he would have felt if his mother had been advising us on what we were doing wrong. In a word he'd have been furious and he knows and acknowledges that but sometimes forgets.

It’s a balancing act which can work well - but only if both parties are reasonable.

No, constant opinions aren’t usually wanted. We all have our own ways of child rearing.

But, on the other hand, I’d never do the “tap dancing on eggshells” walk. Having to pander to every little demand and thing would never work for me.

Hopefully, OP and daughter will sort it out with a frank and honest proper discussion, in time. 🙂

twinnytwin

Good advice on here. I would just reinforce the comment not to discuss your grandson and daughter or any aspect of their lives with your other children or anyone else from now on. Even about this temporary fall out. Your comments WILL get back to your daughter and could escalate the problems.

Excellent advice. Nobody wants to be discussed with others.

I suggest you tell her that you will do your best to stick to her rules but that there's always a possibility that you will accidentally say something you shouldn't. Ask her, if you do stray over the line, to gently remind you rather than being cross with you ("Mum, that's off limits").

It might be difficult if you're used to being outspoken but should get easier with time. Give it a go, you've nothing to lose.

I'm glad you've found this thread too Scotsnana, it's surprising how comforting it is to know that you are not alone.

It may feel at the moment that you'll be walking on eggshells and unable to have a natural conversation with her, but I'm sure with time you'll both relax and your contact will feel more natural.

You haven't lost them it's just that things have changed. You've been presented with boundaries which hasn't happened before and that's bound to have come as a bit of surprise. It's a shame your D wasn't prepared to discuss this with you, rather than telling you by letter but maybe in time she'll be prepared to discuss it.

Try and take a step back and give her the space she's asked for. Take this opportunity to do something different this Christmas, you may enjoy it more than you think .

Apologise. Even if you think you have done nothing wrong. Just tell her you didn't realise you had said/done anything that would hurt her and you never meant to be negative or to question her. Tell her you both love them all and you miss them. Think hard about what she has written.

Maybe she was using you as a sounding board for her thoughts and you told her what you thought she should do instead of just listening, even if you just meant it as a suggestion - if she took it wrongly and thought you were telling her what to do it would probably then make her feel guilty if she decided on an alternative route. She's probably finding it hard dealing with everything anyway.

Just tell her you didn't mean to make life hard for her and you would like to chat about how to move forward. Best write it down then you can read it before sending it to make sure you don't sound accusatory.

Good advice on here. I would just reinforce the comment not to discuss your grandson and daughter or any aspect of their lives with your other children or anyone else from now on. Even about this temporary fall out. Your comments WILL get back to your daughter and could escalate the problems.

We have two other daughters who cant understand this either

no discussing her family with anyone else

It seems you do discuss her family with her sisters, I understand her need to set boundaries.

Pascal and diamond lily and others have given you wise advice, if you take it you can sort this out. Good luck. .

We all want to help our grown children and GCs but as the saying goes ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’, sometimes our idea of good advice etc., may not land well. And your daughter has a lot on her plate with a young child with autism, am sure she must be run ragged but helping means biting your tongue - as DL said - and letting your daughter feel that you have her back without being critical or overstepping the mark.
I know is upsetting, especially at Xmas when emotions run high, but this does just sound like a family fall out, with your daughter needing time and space right now.
Hopefully in time you can resolve this and have a full and frank conversation about how exactly you can best accommodate your daughters wishes and the care of your GCs.
All is not lost.
I wish you all the best.
🙏🏾🌺

But she hasn't estranged you.. yet...

she has offered you a way of still being involved in her life.. it is up to you whether you choose to be offended or not.. She is obviously concerned about her child and has a way of working with him.. She does not need your unasked for advice..
I would have a very good look at what she has written to to and be guided by what she says. and stop discussing it with your other children... beware there are many estrangements nowadays..and she has been caring enough to offer you a lifeline..