Blindsided by daughter..what is the way forward?

Scotsnana no discussing his schooling, no negativity, no questioning any decisions they make, no discussing her family with anyone else. The list goes on. I dont see how I can ever have a natural conversation with her again!

I really have no idea why anyone would even consider discussing the items on your daughters list. I never talk to private matters, why is such talk necessary in a 'natural conversation'?

Christmas: maybe time for change? Do something different?

DiamondLily

I’m a gran to 5 adult grandchildren, and two adult children.

Over the years, I have made sure that I don’t really express any opinions on childrearing, even if I don’t necessarily agree.

If I’m asked, and only then, I will make suggestions.

Lots of biting of tongue. 😉. It’s worked well for many years.

Give it time, and I’m sure this can be resolved. There’s nothing really adrift here - just a breakdown in communications.

Best wishes. 💐

Yes that is the recipe for happy relationships. My husband has been know to be a bit opinionated and I have to remind him how he would have felt if his mother had been advising us on what we were doing wrong. In a word he'd have been furious and he knows and acknowledges that but sometimes forgets.

I’m a gran to 5 adult grandchildren, and two adult children.

Over the years, I have made sure that I don’t really express any opinions on childrearing, even if I don’t necessarily agree.

If I’m asked, and only then, I will make suggestions.

Lots of biting of tongue. 😉. It’s worked well for many years.

Give it time, and I’m sure this can be resolved. There’s nothing really adrift here - just a breakdown in communications.

Best wishes. 💐

Getting the best education for a neuro diverse child can be very challenging. Did she feel underminded by your input? Maybe just listen and don't make suggestions unless you are asked.

I've got 4 adult children, all with children of their own, they all do things their own way and some of it isn't how I'd do it but it isn't my business to try and make decisions. If I think something is good I'm positive, if I don't really agree with something I shut up.

I would have loved to have a MY family Christmases Biglouis - and did do so once when the children were young.

Now we are mindful of what our children want and do something "family" usually on Christmas Eve instead.

In respect of christmas mumsnet is filled with posts where someone is dreading the BIG family christmas with the grandparents and the in laws.

Parents increasingly seem to want to spend christmas day with just their partner and children to do things that grandparents might not approve of. Such as staying in pajamas all day, eating comfort food, and watching duff films or playing silly games, It doesnt mean the rest of the family cant come on another day but increasingly young/er families are putting in boundaries rather than gritting their teeth and hating the big traditional gatherings.

Your daughter and her partner may have hosted for years "at their request" but how much of that was out of a sense of duty?

NotSpaghetti

I think her boundaries (though I can see you are upset about them) are normal really.

no discussing his schooling should be easy enough - no negativity - why be negative?
no questioning any decisions they make - this is their family so just don't do it ... no discussing her family with anyone else - fair enough - maybe you've been talking about her to others?

My children don't always raise their families how I think I would but I've had my go at parenting and now it is their job... I try to bite my tongue if they really irritate me. They do ask my opinion now and then - and if so I say it once and don't "bang on about it".

You have been given a lifeline by a daughter who cares enough to try to get things on a better footing. This is good really.

Can you find it in your heart to try to do the things she's asking of you?
I hope so.

I rather agree with this. Your daughter has done what so many in these threads say they want. She’s laid out exactly what she needs from you in order to have a relationship, and none of the boundaries you’ve listed seem over the top or frankly difficult. It’s clear that she feels you’re too comfortable asserting your opinions about the grandsons schooling , and perhaps other things with his autism and she’s asked that you take a step back. She’s taken space to reset and says to move forward she needs you to also take a step back. Easy enough. Let her (and her spouse) make parenting decisions like schooling and take on the supportive role you should have - supporting whatsoever those decisions are as best for their child because they chose it. That’s a grandparents role after all. As for not discussing their affairs with others again - easy enough Have you made a habit of doing so? You’re being offered a way forward with the relationship. Respect her boundaries for the reasonable things they are and take it.

I think her boundaries (though I can see you are upset about them) are normal really.

no discussing his schooling should be easy enough - no negativity - why be negative?
no questioning any decisions they make - this is their family so just don't do it ... no discussing her family with anyone else - fair enough - maybe you've been talking about her to others?

My children don't always raise their families how I think I would but I've had my go at parenting and now it is their job... I try to bite my tongue if they really irritate me. They do ask my opinion now and then - and if so I say it once and don't "bang on about it".

You have been given a lifeline by a daughter who cares enough to try to get things on a better footing. This is good really.

Can you find it in your heart to try to do the things she's asking of you?
I hope so.

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No, my daughter is a stay at home mum, rarely goes out, so they never need us for childcare. We have two other daughters who cant understand this either. I take heart from the fact that they say we’re the best parents and grandparents ever. But am at a loss to understand my daughters decision.

Hello there, sorry you are suffering so badly and I am sure you can resolve this with a little patience and time. If you take a step back and think of all the times you as a parent received unwanted advice or criticism, I think you may be able to come to terms with the fact that the boundaries your daughter wants she is asking for to have a better relationship with you. They are very reasonable boundaries to ask you for because they will prevent further problems. You will have plenty to talk about by reversing those boundaries by supporting their parenting decisions, being positive and refraining from discussing them to others and simply passing on positives and achievements instead. Every relationship has boundaries and every person has a line in the sand. You are lucky to have been told what these are and given the chance to have a better relationship that will benefit all of you, especially the children.

There’s time yet Scotsnana - I’m sure she will come round. Are you involved in childcare or babysitting? She will need you. Let me say, we mothers and m.I.ls are always treading on eggshells. Don’t be sad. Be patient.