Blindsided by daughter..what is the way forward?

I agree theworriedwell.

No, neither do I.
It's just that the world is full of "experts" sometimes, who want you to benefit from their knowledge.

Anyone who doubts that should think about things like "You must be positive!" when you're ill.

People who want to tell you that their friend's mum's sister's half sister in law had the exact same thing as you; exactly the same, and she beat it by eating a wheelbarrow of fruit washed down with deworming drops.

It's said with good intentions, but it's just too much to listen to.

I think the issue is does unsolicited advice feel like criticism? If it does it's perfectly reasonable to ask for it to stop and unreasonable to carry on giving it when you now know it is causing problems.

I don't agree that unsolicited advice is necessarily criticism. Someone could regard 'may I offer a suggestion' as an opening to being criticised.

Smileless2012

People generally do mean well MissA, something to take into account when responding to unasked for advice. Doing so forcefully but nicely is a good approach.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

I heard that a few months ago, and it rang true for me.

Even a simple, “May I offer a suggestion?” can make a big difference.

NotSpaghetti

^Things that are difficult to say are easier to write down. This also gives the writer time to consider, and it ensures they won't be interrupted with defensiveness.^

This is so true Baggs - it's hard if you are forthright (like me) not to interrupt with further "explanations" or questions - let alone "defensiveness". It is, however better, in my experience, to try hard to really listen - which generally goes down better - and can be a revelation!

I think the worry that someone maybe won't really be listening is why writing is a "safer" option.
It is a way of saying exactly what you mean, without interruptions.

I think this is why the OP's daughter has chosen to write.
She appears to want a resolution (in time). Take heart from that.

Excellent way to say that which so many have attempted --

Things that are difficult to say are easier to write down. This also gives the writer time to consider, and it ensures they won't be interrupted with defensiveness.

This is so true Baggs - it's hard if you are forthright (like me) not to interrupt with further "explanations" or questions - let alone "defensiveness". It is, however better, in my experience, to try hard to really listen - which generally goes down better - and can be a revelation!

I think the worry that someone maybe won't really be listening is why writing is a "safer" option.
It is a way of saying exactly what you mean, without interruptions.

I think this is why the OP's daughter has chosen to write.
She appears to want a resolution (in time). Take heart from that.

Yes, very true DL.

There is such a world of difference between hearing something that is hurtful because it is disliked or disagreed with and hearing something said with intention to hurt. Always best practice to examine carefully which you are dealing with and in this case listen to so much wonderful advice here to treat it as a way to make the relationship stronger than estrangement could ever break.

@DL very true.

Luminance

In life it has been my experience that those who wish to say something hurtful do not leave a trail of evidence with a signature.

Well, I don’t know about that. In my experience, people can be hurtful in any form. Thankfully, most people aren’t like thst though. 🙂

Scotsnana

Lots of advice on here! Just to make it clear, I have NEVER given advice without it being asked for. For the last 25 years we have been told by her and her husband we are the best parents in the world (as seen by the many mothers day, birthday cards from them). So I am at a loss to see why suddenly we are the parents from hell. As for apologising? In the first couple of weeks I literally begged her to discuss things with me, and clear this up. She refuses to even talk to me. We can get nowhere until she agrees to sit down to chat with me.

It appears you're perhaps mixing apology with begging for a discussion you wish to have? She's laid out in 6 pages what she wants/dislikes -- perhaps a way forward is to just do what she asks, in silence?

FWIW, not everyone wants to talk/debate endlessly, some people are better reading/rereading the written word, digesting and understanding.

Maybe you'd be well served by a nice Christmas holiday - get away from differing points of view? No need to think on that, just go!

In life it has been my experience that those who wish to say something hurtful do not leave a trail of evidence with a signature.

My mum certainly never tiptoed around saying things to me, smileless.
I used to dread what she'd come put with next, sometimes.

I wonder how much damage is being done in the long term to relationships because people are afraid of saying what they want, regardless of how nicely they say it MissA .

Caleo

PS, Miss A, writing down the above question to you seems to have been enough to convince me I should not have said it.

Frankly, I think an adult should be free to say whatever they want.
I hope you've not fallen out over it.

Babs03

Is just my opinion based upon my own experience but ordinarily I would find a letter/email rather formal and impersonal, and more likely to be used in order to say something someone knows could be hurtful to the recipient so is easier for them to do it this way.
Am more than happy to be proved wrong on this but this is how I personally feel about it.

"formal and impersonal" perhaps because the sender (whoever, not just the dd mentioned in the OP) thinks that is what's needed to get the message across. Again, I'm only talking generally.

I know individuals who simply do not take in the spoken, personal word if it's not what they want to hear. It is not lack of intelligence or anything like that, just something built into their psyche and, for all I know, not something they are aware of.

Things that are difficult to say are easier to write down. This also gives the writer time to consider, and it ensures they won't be interrupted with defensiveness. I think this is something worth bearing in mind.

I've lived all my life with people who respond better and more respectfully to the written word.

I hope the OP's problem with her dd is resolved after the 'resting' period.

I feel the same Babs, especially regarding a way of putting across something knowing that the recipient may well find hurtful.

Like you, this is based on my own experiences and is in no way suggesting this was why the OP's D sent a letter.

Is just my opinion based upon my own experience but ordinarily I would find a letter/email rather formal and impersonal, and more likely to be used in order to say something someone knows could be hurtful to the recipient so is easier for them to do it this way.
Am more than happy to be proved wrong on this but this is how I personally feel about it.

We only ever know what the OP tells us Hithere.

Interesting, whatisanIPban. I've noticed quite a few times during my life that people who want to dominate a relationship often object to whatever form of communication one uses.

↑ the above comment has nothing to do with my family relationships. I've just noticed it in general.

The boundaries mentioned in the OP sound perfectly reasonable to me.

This letter may or not have been preceeded by the daughter talking to the OP.

We only know what the OP told us

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

So much angst could be avoided if there was better communication DL. A telephone call for me is preferable to emails and texts.

I am unsure of the relevance of how a daughter would deliver her feelings. Perhaps letters are a thing of the past for many but I still love this form of communication. Any form of communication holds validity, surely complaints that a person did not communicate in the way that is deemed right or acceptable is just another means to be controlling and quite frankly, difficult to communicate with in altogether.