Any tips on how to cope with recent estrangement

I’m very sorry for you both, in your situations. It’s heartbreaking, & I wish you both as happy a Christmas season as you can have, in the circumstances,

For us the pain of keep trying and being rejected/abused nearly broke us, I suffered a breakdown and it cost me my job and almost my sanity. Am afraid we cannot go back to that. I doubt that writing letters now or apologising would make any inroads with a daughter who tells people we are dead.
Sometimes we need to think of our own well-being and protect ourselves from further harm.

I did all this in therapy sessions stillawip, I could find no reason for the estrangement, I did apologise and tried to make amends without success, so no further forward, I cant take anymore rejection, it hurts too much, so for now I just have to accept the way it is.

I think it is always worth another try, using any opportunity of contact you have, so if you have their address, with a heartfelt letter. My approach was this….no accusations or bitterness, focus on them not you, don’t ask for anything, don’t make it about you and what you want, apologise unreservedly for anything you realise may have upset them. Make it crystal clear that you would act differently in the future, given the chance, and that whilst your grandchildren are hugely important to you, there is nothing more important than repairing your relationship with your child. Most estranged parents will have been given clues as to why the estrangement happened. If you weren’t listening then, as I wasn’t, think back over those clues and listen to them now. Put yourself in your child’s shoes, literally turn the situation round and look at things from their viewpoint, and see how things felt to them. If you can see their point, be honest, admit it & apologise.

Babs and Bridie xx

Bridie22

Allsorts and stillawip,.I mean I am blocked online and phone, I have the address and have sent card/letter but no response, so I can't have a conversation.

We know our daughters address but are also blocked online etc., we have sent letters in the past, telling her we love her and want desperately to see our GCs. I even included an SAE begging for photos of the GCs and nothing else. But nothing, zero. So we don’t do it anymore and this year stopped sending presents after a cousin told us she doesn’t think our daughter gives them to our GCs.
Is so hard Bridie but we now accept this, after all we have no choice 🌺🙏🏾

Allsorts and stillawip,.I mean I am blocked online and phone, I have the address and have sent card/letter but no response, so I can't have a conversation.

Bridie, I can’t imagine how frightening that must be, not knowing where your daughter is. It’s made me count my blessings as I know where mine lives. Is there no way you can find out if she is well?
Glad your letter helped you get your relationship back, Stillawhip.
Pili, your neighbour has no idea has she? No one can comprehend how it feels if they haven’t experienced it. I do hope that things work out for you.

I wrote a letter, which changed things - can you do that?

Thanks for that, so pleased you had a chance to regain your relationship and have the chance to amend your behaviours.
I have had therapy sessions which weren't all together helpful as I have no means of communication with my estranged child.

No, of course I don't mind - anything to help. It was the chats with a therapist, and also seeing friends becoming grandparents and how they did things differently to how I had done them. We were the first of our friends to have grandchildren, and as others became grandparents I saw how I had overstepped the mark on some things, and commented or interfered too much on things which were not my place to. I lost my mum when I was 20 and realised that that was making me over-needy and scared of losing my son, to the point where my neediness caused that very thing.

stillawip,
If you don't mind me asking, how did you find out which of your behaviours you needed to work on ?

Sally278, I am 8 months post-estrangement and during the estrangement, I tried my best to cope. It was heartbreaking of course, but I just about coped with the support of friends and family, with putting cards etc into a file to give to the grandchildren when I saw them again and, yes, always believing and having hope that I WOULD see them again. I sought advice from a therapist to identify behaviours of mine which may have caused upset and friction, and worked on myself to change those behaviours.

Only someone whose never experienced being estranged by their own child would tell you to pull yourself together Pili.
Simply getting through the next day takes courage and determination as those of us who are estranged know only too well.

Take care and know that we will always respond when you post here .

Thank you so much babs03 for such a lovely post. I wish you you a peacefull Christmas.

@Pili, is not easy to just pull yourself together when your daughter has cut you off and so stopped you seeing your GS, is horrible, yet you are powerless to do anything about it until your daughter decides to start communicating again. Mine never did but am hoping I am the exception rather than the rule and you might be reconciled with your family.
Nobody knows how much it hurts, they can imagine and sympathise but nobody can know the kind of gut wrenching sorrow and despair we suffer.
Am wishing you a peaceful Xmas, and a more fruitful new year, perhaps this time next year you will come on here telling us how you became reconciled with your daughter. I hope and prat this is the case 🌺🙏🏾

Yes my first Christmas my daughter is an only child , and so I only have one grandchild. My Neighbour keeps telling me to pull myself togeather and to get on with my life. But at the moment I just can’t , I want everyone to have a lovely Christmas , but I am just treating it as another day . I sent birthday and Christmas cards to my grandson but I don’t think my daughter and son in law will have given them to him. I also put money into a savings account I opened for him when he was born. I hope and pray that one day I will see my grandson again . I really feel for everyone going through similar situations.

Celianne glad to see you on here but so sorry you are estranged. I don’t know if you have other family to be there for you. Its difficult enough to lose your husband. You messaged you dil, could you not phone your son but I know most dil’s have the final say. There is nothing you can do, they hold all the cards and unless they have a change of heart you have to cope somehow.
You don't need to give out personal information but know that others are coping and a lot of us have found away though makes you feel you can do it.
We still love our children but they are grown up and unfortunately we can’t alter anything.

Looks like another thread started and OP isn't coming back .

Hello Sally if you can, could you tell us a little more about your situation? Have you been told that you can't see your son or daughter and the children anymore?

This is the hardest time of the year to be estranged as everything we see and hear about is being with family at Christmas.

This will be your first Christmas Pili and all 'firsts' are the hardest,I'm so sorry. Christmas Eve will be the 12th anniversary for us and although with time we've found that it does get easier, it continues to hurt.

The hardest thing Celieanne, is to accept that there's nothing you can do if they don't want to have any contact and to make the decision to stop trying.

The constant rejection of any attempt to get in touch does get harder and if you decide at some point that you can no longer do this for your own well being, it doesn't mean that you no longer love your son and GC.

If you take a look at the support thread you'll see how many just here on GN are living with being estranged by their AC and as a result their GC too.

None of you are alone and I know how important it is to be aware of that.

for you all.

Celieanne86

It’s over two years now since I last saw my youngest son, three grandchildren and two great grandchildren.
In fact I wouldn’t have known there was a second.G.Grandchild if my hairdresser hadn’t told me.
My friend took a crochet baby blanket to the house for me (I am disabled, unable to go out) and had the door shut in her face without a thank you.

Today is my husbands first anniversary he died last year 2023 so as I was feeling very emotional I messaged my DIL last night she hasn’t even acknowledged it, so why do I bother.

It gets harder and I’m getting older but I will keep trying, I love my son and miss him and my grandchildren.

Very sorry 😞 believe me I know how painful this is. And on top of your estrangement you lost your DH. Cannot imagine.
We have been estranged from one of our daughters and GCs for 11 years now, they were babies last time we saw them but are in their teens now, they wouldn’t recognise us.
Sent presents every year but this year stopped seeing as a family member said our daughter probs doesn’t give them to the GCs.
Will light a candle for them in church Xmas eve and one for yourself and all other estranged parents/grandparents hurting this Xmas 🙏🏾🙏🏾😞

@Sally am so sorry you are going through this but after 2 months, though it feels much longer I know, is there hope of a reconciliation?
Has there been an argument that resulted in this?
Don’t lose hope, this may be resolved, if not for Xmas, then in the New Year.
Do get back to us if you can with more details so we can try to help more 😍🙏🏾

It’s over two years now since I last saw my youngest son, three grandchildren and two great grandchildren.
In fact I wouldn’t have known there was a second.G.Grandchild if my hairdresser hadn’t told me.
My friend took a crochet baby blanket to the house for me (I am disabled, unable to go out) and had the door shut in her face without a thank you.

Today is my husbands first anniversary he died last year 2023 so as I was feeling very emotional I messaged my DIL last night she hasn’t even acknowledged it, so why do I bother.

It gets harder and I’m getting older but I will keep trying, I love my son and miss him and my grandchildren.

I feel for you I’m just over 6 months with no contact. I think this time of year doesn’t help

Oh Sally - I do feel for you. I am not estranged, but almost was. However, I was ‘allowed’ to see my granddaughter for about an hour each week. I would go to their house and have playtime with the little one (they only had one at that time), while my son and his wife were upstairs or wherever.
I could not have coped if they stopped me from seeing her. Not knowing what the fall-out was about, we won’t be able to give you appropriate advice. Be patient - it’s early days.
Things are not 100% but it’s ok. You can’t expect everyone to like you, not even your children.