Successful reconciliations & how you got there...

User138562

Yes, a certain kind of AC. The kind who can break out of a toxic family cycle and learn to prioritize their own mental health and happiness. The kind who can think independently and not cater their lives and decisions around the potential emotional reactions of fully grown adults who seem to depend on their presence and adoration to keep going.

That kind? Or maybe it's more complex than that and we shouldn't generalize.

Not sure who you are replying to. I was replying to Portrait. So which AC posted about breaking free of a toxic situation??
We can only reply to posts on here.

Yes, a certain kind of AC. The kind who can break out of a toxic family cycle and learn to prioritize their own mental health and happiness. The kind who can think independently and not cater their lives and decisions around the potential emotional reactions of fully grown adults who seem to depend on their presence and adoration to keep going.

That kind? Or maybe it's more complex than that and we shouldn't generalize.

@Allsorts it does take a certain kind of AC to be able to live with the knowledge that they broke their parents hearts.
🌺🙏🏾

@Portrait as parents we can only give our children love and try to give them the opportunities we didn’t have, we can’t predict how they will turn out as ACs, that isn’t down to us though we get all the blame, that is down to them and some will beat us with a big stick rather than admit that the fault lies with them.
You probably feel numb because you have already been to hell and back and there is no more to give in the way of hand wringing or tears. Your emotions are exhausted. No doubt this does annoy your daughter who feels entitled to a tearful reunion, sadly this entitlement is not uncommon in cases of estrangement and does lead to feelings of resentment and hostility on the part of the EAC.
You are, however, not estranged, but in a kind of nowhere land at the moment, obviously wondering and worrying about which way things will go this time.
As I said on the other thread, take care of your own well-being, get on with your life as best you can with the love of those who have stayed with you through all this, and don’t be afraid to show your daughter that you have changed, that you are not going to stand for the same heartbreak.
Wishing you strength 🌺🌺

Thank you Portrait for sharing your heart breaking experience so openly and eloquently. I just know that everything you have written will resonate with every parent whose been estranged.

I will always love her but it feels safer to love her from afar oh yes; absolutely.

I admire your courage for embarking on the road of reconciliation because that is what it takes, to potentially put yourself back in the firing line for the abuse and heart ache that you've already suffered.

Just as she is not the daughter she once was, or the daughter you thought she was, you are not the mum that she abandoned when she chose to walk away.

We will never be that mum or that person again. Our self confidence is permanently shattered and our ability to trust destroyed.

When you're told by word and/or action that you're not good enough to be a part of your adult child's life, of course you feel as if you've been looked down upon, because you have.

It will take time to begin to feel at ease and to feel that you are not being judged. You may never get there but I hope that you do so in the mean time this is what the estrangement forum is for.

It's a place that enables you to be honest about how you feel. To be able to express those feelings that you think no one can understand, because those of us who live with estrangement do know.

FWIW, your response to her apology was IMO the right one. It's not uncommon for some who have estranged to be angry that their parent(s) isn't broken and have managed to out their lives back together again.

What they don't and can never know is how much courage, hard work and sheer determination that takes and maybe what some who then decide to reconcile never considered at the time they walked away, is that that relationship can never be the same again because the one thing you never thought they would do, has been done.

As you say in your opening paragraph, reconciliation is dependant on the expectations from all concerned and a determination to make it work .

I have never felt jealousy or anger for some reason as I always took the blame it must have been my fault, I was lacking, then I woke up. I love the girl I though she was. There's no one like yours parents, like us they were learning on the job, but they loved and protected us and we came first. I am so glad my relationship with my parents was good, think of them every day, to cope with the guilt of breaking a parents heart is beyond me.

Thank you Allsorts, you are very kind. So much to think about today. I think my daughter's values and our values are oceans apart.

I'm surprised by the feelings of jealousy I feel. I'm not jealous of my daughter's wealth, I'm jealous that wealth and status replaced us if that makes sense. We do okay, no money issues but I'm not a person who buys a BMW or vacations in Europe. I need to explore why talking to my daughter evokes these feelings of inferiority in me now. Perhaps it stems from trying to create a life for her in which she wasn't looked down on. And now.....I feel looked down on. That's a me problem. I need to figure that out and not react to those feelings.

I will always love her but it feels safer to love her from afar. I guess we'll see how things work out. Thank you for all the kindness and support.

So eloquently put Portrait.,it's heartbreaking what you have been though but you are a good mom and person, all your family love and want you. She did her damage and has lost everyone that really matters.

I wonder what constitutes a succesful reconciliation? I guess it depends on expectations and if there is a dedication by both parents/adult children to be kind to each other.

My daughter is back. I am numb. Over the years I realized that the daughter we loved had changed drastically in her mid 20's. I hate to say this but hubby and I liken it to a doppleganger. This person who tried to destroy our reputations, our hearts looks the same, has the same voice but she is not the daughter we knew, not the daughter we raised. How does her brother navigate this when he voices that she doesn't care for him or his family. How do her lifelong family friends accept her into the fold again when they are doing it just because they love me and my husband? Can I confide to my closest friends how I feel? Is it disloyal to confess my doubts on my daughter's motives and doubts that she will stick around? That we believe we are placeholders until she creates her new village of people deemed more worthy of her than we?

How do we treat this person who doesn't have the good qualities of love and respect for others? We decided to model good parenting (listen, voice support and concern, never give advice, never show how she's hurt us) in hopes that maybe she will once again mirror these qualities.

I can feel the anger from my daughter that while available to talk with her I am not the crying, heartbroken mother she expected me to be. The years have numbed me. I have extreme trust issues now. I know she wants the old mom back. The one who would drop anything for her. I sensed a coldness and some barbed comments when I did not offer her to come live with us while her new place is being prepared for her. She's very wealthy and I doubt she would have wanted to, but I do believe she wanted me to offer.

When she gave me an insincere apology for being cruel I said "that's okay" and didn't want to delve into things. She cut that conversation short I believe because the old mom would have tried to give her comfort for making a bad decisions and chalked it up to a learning experience for her.

I feel sadness that my daughter no longer has the mother she had when she left. I am sure that is a shock to her. Estrangement hit me so hard, broke my heart so bad that I became another person. A bit hollow for lack of a better term.

Lelly37 I know that it feels like a living bereavement, but there is always a chance that things may improve - I hope you can hang on to that.

Estrangement is called a living bereavement Lelly as we grieve for the loss of a loved one who still lives .

So very true. I feel it's worse than bereavement because they are still alive.

That’s great Addee - estrangement comes in all shapes & sizes & if you’re not happy with it, it’s good to always be open to changing the situation. I’m so pleased you were able to reconnect with your friends - friends are precious.

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This is a beautiful thread and I admire you hugely for what you have done and also for sharing it. This time of year is so tricky in so many ways but can be a great time for contacting people we have lost touch with - I did it with a couple of friends Id lost touch with; held my breath but they were really pleased to hear from me. Well done on being so brave and for sharing it!

Thank you Madgran77 - fresh thinking on any situation can sometimes be useful, can’t it?
Snow permitting, we are off to help with our grandchildren tomorrow for a few days, and that was just not on our radar a year ago.

Yes Luminance that can be pertinent in Estrangements. Not always ofcourse as the causes of Estrangement and the personalities involved are varied. Which is also pertinent to this thread. As are quite a few other useful and relevant points made over the last 8 pages, that I won't bother to list.

Stillawhip I think something that has come so clearly from your interesting thread is that hearing about others who have reconciled creates an opportunity for those still estranged to consider if strategies mentioned might work/be worth trying within the context of their own Estrangement. Also hearing about the context of other estranged individuals who feel that a strategy won't work for them/hasn't worked for them can also inform others thinking. Your thread has helpfully highlighted that it's not a one size fits all, 🤔

Luminance

I feel the ability to apologise when wrong a rather good indicator of good character

I feel this is rather on topic for the thread and I will leave the rest there.

It seems a shame to be talking about this on this thread, when it didn't happen here.

Everyone feels that.

If you're referring to people saying you were a troll, then you need to look towards those whose comments are now deleted, because that is what they did.

They called you by a different name, so people were wary of you.

I feel the ability to apologise when wrong a rather good indicator of good character

Oh, being able to admit it & apologise when you get something wrong is such a valuable trait, I think.

I had an unpleasant experience too, I would not expect an apology from a troll but others did rather surprise me.

It was an unpleasant experience.

No, I’m sure it isn’t 💐