Successful reconciliations & how you got there...

@stillawipp
With all respect you obviously are not talking about the same thing.
As a mother I too would go to great lengths to reconcile with my daughter and see my GCs again, in fact I did go to great lengths.
It cost me dear and only now after 11 years am I learning how to live again but part of me will never fully recover.

MissAdventure

It's like having a partner who gradually changes you to a poor copy of the person you used to be.
They can do it slyly, or by confronting you, giving you the silent treatment, all kinds of things.
Anyone who is aware of narcissists must also be aware of their many tactics.

It's much the same, and I'm pretty sure everyone has experienced it, or watched a previously happy friend begin to wilt under the onslaught of a partner's behaviours.

The blowing hot and cold, so that even when things are good, you fear them changing, and tiptoe around, trying to ward off the inevitable.

Good description 👏🏽👏🏽
It is in fact a form of control used in all kinds of relationships.

It's like having a partner who gradually changes you to a poor copy of the person you used to be.
They can do it slyly, or by confronting you, giving you the silent treatment, all kinds of things.
Anyone who is aware of narcissists must also be aware of their many tactics.

It's much the same, and I'm pretty sure everyone has experienced it, or watched a previously happy friend begin to wilt under the onslaught of a partner's behaviours.

The blowing hot and cold, so that even when things are good, you fear them changing, and tiptoe around, trying to ward off the inevitable.

Smileless2012

So to relate eggshell walking to the title of this thread, I would say that any successful reconciliation wouldn't include the need to walk on eggshells.

How can you have a meaningful relationship with someone if you're afraid to ever express an opinion in case it's the 'wrong' one, ever offer advice in case it's seen as a criticism and a deliberate attempt to invalidate the feelings/opinions of someone else and above all be yourself, as I posted earlier.

I’m sorry, I disagree, I think that walking on eggshells is probably very common in the early part of reconciliation, whilst everyone is nervous for the new relationship. I think withholding an opinion unless asked, not giving advice unless sought and being respectful of how others would like you to behave around them is a small price to pay for having a beloved child back in your life. Never mind walking on eggshells, I would have walked over hot coals to have my family back together.

Smileless2012

No Luminance when walking on eggshells it doesn't depend on the opinion or advice that's the point.

Can you give an example, I'm rather confused.

It really is horrible yes it is Babs.

Smileless2012

So to relate eggshell walking to the title of this thread, I would say that any successful reconciliation wouldn't include the need to walk on eggshells.

How can you have a meaningful relationship with someone if you're afraid to ever express an opinion in case it's the 'wrong' one, ever offer advice in case it's seen as a criticism and a deliberate attempt to invalidate the feelings/opinions of someone else and above all be yourself, as I posted earlier.

Agree entirely.

Well said Allsorts. You really have to experience walking on eggshells to appreciate how nerve wracking it can be, to constantly be wondering ‘when’ rather than ‘if’ something you said will be thrown back at you, twisted to mean something else entirely, fearing every sudden silence, the change in atmosphere.
It really is horrible.

No Luminance when walking on eggshells it doesn't depend on the opinion or advice that's the point.

Rather depends on the opinion or advice. If I am aware someone does things differently to me I am not going to offer an opinion or advice that isn't asked for. I do what is right for me, I feel no need to tell others to do what I believe is right.

So to relate eggshell walking to the title of this thread, I would say that any successful reconciliation wouldn't include the need to walk on eggshells.

How can you have a meaningful relationship with someone if you're afraid to ever express an opinion in case it's the 'wrong' one, ever offer advice in case it's seen as a criticism and a deliberate attempt to invalidate the feelings/opinions of someone else and above all be yourself, as I posted earlier.

I would suggest then stillawipp that you haven't experienced walking on eggshells.

It isn't plain old politeness when for whatever reason, you're afraid to express opinions or offer advice Luminance for fear of what the repercussions might be and as I posted earlier, it's also not being able to yourself.

Oopsadaisy all round then! well for you and me anyway Madgran ; good post by the way and from you too Allsorts.

Allsorts

Walking on eggshells, means you have to overthink anything you say, your words twisted so that you keep quiet whIch means you can’t be yourself or relax. The person that does that to anyone is trying hard to cause an argument out of nothing, to get you out of the way, they see you as either a threat or are envious of you. In the end they win, if they lie to do it they feel thats ok, who wants such a person in their life even a daughter. The victim can’t make sense of it, so go through, sometimes years of worrying how they could have handled it. From what I've seem on this forum the instigator excludes most of the other family and their close friends. Its terrible for the children, isolated by all the people they used to interact with, they grow up, question is everyone else wrong and just mom right, they talk with friends, husbands finally can do what they want now children grown up and no gun to their head,.its becoming more common but its not normal behaviour.

Yes those aspects are also evidenced on various threads Allsorts.

stillawipp

Blimey, I just thought it meant having to be careful what you say 🤣

Not in this context stillawhip though that seems to be part of it!

Luminance

Those are helpful examples Madgran77 are those things you have experienced? I am still rather unsure those particular examples fit walking on eggshells. I thought that more navigating a grumpy person which we all must do on occasion. If someone were telling me I must do something that were too much for me or they will remove something else. I would call that abuse in simple terms and specifically manipulation. Now, keeping my advice and opinions to myself I certainly wouldn't call walking on egg shells, that is plain old politeness.

Luminance it may well be abuse but in the context of desperately trying to maintain a relationship which inevitably happens in familial situations it is a fact (from what is described on some threads) that people will take a great deal to avoid "losing" that relationship or related relationships.

In that context walking on eggshells is basically permanently worrying, being extraordinarily careful of what one says/does in the context of a particular relationship. I think your interpretation of walking on eggshells is a a part of what can develop in familial relationships but not the full picture because the nature of difficult/grumpy...abuse ... can be at many different levels!

As I said the summaries I described have all been detailed on threads I have seen over several years. I can't reference them as I don't keep a record of anything (why would I) but I do remember various versions and see commonalities.

Walking on eggshells, means you have to overthink anything you say, your words twisted so that you keep quiet whIch means you can’t be yourself or relax. The person that does that to anyone is trying hard to cause an argument out of nothing, to get you out of the way, they see you as either a threat or are envious of you. In the end they win, if they lie to do it they feel thats ok, who wants such a person in their life even a daughter. The victim can’t make sense of it, so go through, sometimes years of worrying how they could have handled it. From what I've seem on this forum the instigator excludes most of the other family and their close friends. Its terrible for the children, isolated by all the people they used to interact with, they grow up, question is everyone else wrong and just mom right, they talk with friends, husbands finally can do what they want now children grown up and no gun to their head,.its becoming more common but its not normal behaviour.

Blimey, I just thought it meant having to be careful what you say 🤣

Those are helpful examples Madgran77 are those things you have experienced? I am still rather unsure those particular examples fit walking on eggshells. I thought that more navigating a grumpy person which we all must do on occasion. If someone were telling me I must do something that were too much for me or they will remove something else. I would call that abuse in simple terms and specifically manipulation. Now, keeping my advice and opinions to myself I certainly wouldn't call walking on egg shells, that is plain old politeness.

Smileless2012

No that was my fault Madgran, I should have said that I agreed with you saying that may be how some experience walking on egg shells, which I would have realised had I read mine before posting. So it's an Oops from me .

Oopsadaisy all round then! 🙃😀

Luminance Walking on egg shells -summary of 3 examples mentioned on threads at various times (these can and have applied to Adult Children/Estranged AC/Parents of AC/Estranged Parents of AC/Estranged Grandparents in various threads that I have seen.

1. being asked to do something/make something. Asking for more details of what wanted. Told "doesnt matter/you decide". When give what made/do what asked told it was wrong/not what wanted/you should have known/it was obvious... etc ...". Resulting in a fear of "getting it wrong when ever asked to do anything/make anything but if say no ...fear of consequences.....this is sometimes accompanied by...
2.Asked to babysit/do something/lend money etc ..say cant do it/manage it for range of reasons/might be getting older etc ...being threatened with not seeing GC/estrangement from family/other family members being "told"/alienated from you etc if dont comply......or resulting in sulks/tantrums from someone with a refusal to discuss ...so resulting in fear of losing contact ...so tread on eggshells agreeing to things dont want to do /find difficult....often resulting in a version of 1) above

Obviously better communication is needed in these types of scenario but that is only possible if all are willing to engage in that communication. That "willingness of all to communicate" is often mentioned in "walking in eggshell" scenarios as it is in Estrangement scenarios.

3. Putting up with remarkable levels of rudeness to avoid versions of 1) and 2) is also often mentioned in walking on eggshells scenarios on threads - by any of the above groups who find themselves treading on eggshells. The person unwilling to communicate effectively can be an AC/AC in law/Parent of AC/Grandparent etc etc

Well yes, an AC's wife/husband/partner whose character means explosions for no reason at all Luminance. If you have to be forced to spend time with them, then you could be accused of all sorts and may find that you're estranged much sooner, than if you'd tried walking on eggshells first.

No that was my fault Madgran, I should have said that I agreed with you saying that may be how some experience walking on egg shells, which I would have realised had I read mine before posting. So it's an Oops from me .

To me that rather describes being anxious in general? Walking on egg shells more for people whose character means explosions for no reason at all. If that were the case I would not be spending time with those people unless forced to.

Smileless2012

I don't think 'walking on eggshells means that at all' Madgran. For me it's how Babs has described it; being anxious about doing or saying something that could cause a loved one to become angry/upset and I would add because there's a fear/concern of an over reaction.

It looks from your second post Babs that that was what you were doing when you partly reconciled with your D and when you were no longer willing/able too continue, you were estranged.

I've always wondered how reconciliation can be successful if the problems that led to it aren't resolved ziggy, especially if the reasons for it are never discussed. How would the one who was estranged know what to avoid in the future if they don't know what they did wrong in the past?

Yes I agree Smileless. Excellent post from Babs I didnt express it well but what I meant in my post was it may be that for some people (may feel like that for some people) but it certainly isnt experienced like that for many people.

I really must be careful never to post when I'm rushing and dont have time to think and reread what I've said! Oops!

Yes I think we can now both say if we're unhappy that's great Ziggy .