Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

It's OK Marg, don't worry about it. I'm just pleased that you've joined us here. We don't get nasty posters here very often and when we do, they're soon dealt with.

The sad thing is that even if that poster had known what happened to you 20 years ago, they'd have still said what they did.

As eddiecat has said, there's a little gang whose sole intention is to have a go at EP's but after all we've all been through, if they think they can upset us they're wasting their time.

It's when they do it to someone whose new and drive them away which upsets us, which is why I keep an eye on the new threads. It is pathetic.

You're right Whiff but we've seen it all before haven't we and no doubt we'll be seeing it again.

There seems to be a little gang of people who must constantly monitor any threads to do with estrangement with the sole intention of finding something they can use to have a go at estranged parents. They never post anywhere else.
What a pathetic way to live

I've been reading the posts on the thread that I started. I opted out to join this support thread. It can get really nasty and I'm sorry Smiles for your abuse. I also read the one which was deleted aimed at me and just like to say if the poster knew what happened to DH and I one evening about twenty years ago when visiting our ES they wouldn't say the things they do
Unfortunately I can't go into detail as it may be recognised. Needless to say it will live with us forever. Thank you Whiff for your kind reply, I have read your posts over the years and you certainly don't deserve this anymore than we do.

Just read the last page of Marg's thread . Smiles that person who is having a go at you really is 🐎 bum hole. Not this polite in real life . 🤣.

Thanks for letting us know Whiff.

Just an update on Mr B he's got an infection which they are trying to find and hopefully have the correct antibiotic to fight it . Babs is holding in there and family making sure she is ok.

Good morning everyone .

Just seen a very amusing post from a 'new' poster on the thread Marg started, it's supposed to be summary of the arrangement we had with our ES concerning his house . Totally inaccurate of course and is a great example of how you very politely described how some posters 'talk out of their bums' Whiff .

The dogs can't access the golf course Whiff despite having a birds eye view of the players. Some of them look quite startled when they're getting ready to putt on the first hole and realise how close to us they are.

I try not to be amused when I see someone trying again and again before eventually sinking their putt because they're probably doing a lot better than I will when Mr. S. starts teaching me how to play .

I'm glad you had good parents Allsorts, I wish in many ways mine had been better but I loved them and could never have done to them what's been done to us.

We're having our first BBQ at tea time with two sets of new friends and neighbours. It's a joint affair with Mr. S. in charge of the BBQ (of course), and everyone contributing food and drink.

The sun will be shining but it will be a bit chilly so we'll wrap up warm, after all we're British aren't we and when I think of some of the inclement weather we have BBQ'd in, this will be child's play.

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers Babs xx

I am so glad I had good parents, could never imagine putting them through the pain I have had. She destroyed my confidence,I knew of no one else who had been dumped by their own loved child, I am not the person I was, but I have coped and made a new life, its taken years, she wouldn't know if I were alive or dead. Your son, Whiff, was cruel, knowing how hard it was all those years, you coped on your own with severe health problems, you have made a good life and have your daughter and family who will always be with you,.
Babs, 🙏🏻 hope things improve soon for your dh. Please look after yourself.💐

Smiles hope the dogs don't try and catch the golf balls as they are hard. Mentioning golf course that's how my best friend got one of their dogs. Her dad was a mad golfer and found this dog on the course in a terrible condition and took him to the vets and then home .Never found his owner . He lived a very happy long time with them and their Corgi . Her dad entered competitions just within the club but was most put out when he was classed as veteran when he got older. The prizes where always golf jumpers .

Glad you got the rose and fabric for your stool and better internet. It's funny how much we rely on the internet . Think covid it came into its own as it was a way people could keep connecting . I used it more than ever ,never been much into technology while it drives me mad at times but lost without it.

My son knew they found a problem with my heart when he sent the email. So I know when I die he won't care . But he will never know when I do. My daughter and I never talk about her brother . My grandsons are growing up not knowing they have 3 other cousins , another aunt and uncle on our side of the family . When they are older if my daughter and son in law wishes they will know about them .

When I tell them stories of their mom when young I never mention her brother but they know about their grandad and how much he would have loved them . They already know their great uncle and great auntie and adore their Jack Russell.

I am going to see them in July for 5 days but will stay at near by Travel lodge like premier Inn they have accessible rooms for walking and wheelchair disabled. Already booked my room at Premier Inn in Harrogate in September. Being a proper gad about this year. And hopefully have other shorter trips ..

My window cleaner has painted my fences and varnished my gate and bench so that's done for another year. When my gardener comes next week will get him to put it out for me . And have plants need putting in . Managed to plant 3 but that was my limit.

As per usual had a ramble . Take care all and hope it's another sunny day.

Welcome Marg and Karen. Sorry you are in this position but this is a safe place to come and be understood. And given all the support you need.

Marg unfortunately threads get targeted by put it politely people taking out of their bums and completely change the tone of the original thread. But here it's is all about support and then posters turn into friends who just talk about life in general. Estrangement brought us together but it doesn't define us or rule our lives or stop us living our lives to the full. Yes estrangement hurts and I for one will never understand why my son has dumped me but not just me but my side of the family. After my mother in law died and the funeral we never had anything to do with his dad's side as they where vile people. Unfortunately so where my in laws. But my husband loved them didn't like them but never gave up on them no matter what they did or said to us. And because of him even thought I hated my mother in law for 40 years I never gave up on her neither did our children. She denied she had a son or grandchildren and refused to go too their weddings .

I am on a BHF forum even when I mention it to my daughter I say BHS which stopped having shops decades ago. Anyway someone on there mentioned their step child wanted nothing to do with his dad and his dad was struggling as he is recovering from a stroke. So told my story .

Had a reply from a woman who after many years had reconnected with her son . And told me to write my son a letter and apologise. I told her I had nothing to apologise for and it was my son who broke the family not me. She went into detail how she reconnected and how I could do it . I said I was glad for her but I had given up hope of ever seeing or speaking to my son ever again. Made that decision in 2003 as I would not let him hurt me anymore.

I then had another message from her and she said she had only just read my full message and was sorry and realised why I had made my decision.

But that's what you find people judge you and assume you must have done something for your child or in some cases children turned against you and other family members. It's easy to blame the parents and not the adult children . As the parents must have done something horrendous that their sweet little darlings turn their backs on them . And what awful childhoods they must have had and need to protect their children from such awful grandparents. But they don't realise it could happen to them at any point of their lives. They think like our estranged children they are the perfect parents . Big news flash no such thing as perfect . And I saw and my son told me things that happened but I never threw their faults are parents into their faces. Nor told him what I thought when one of my grandsons had an accident which could have been avoid, but because of their stupidity and my daughter in laws selfishness he had to be rushed to A&E. My son was very upset when he phoned me to tell me what happened and I wouldn't make him feel worse by pointing out what they did wrong . As it would have been cruel. Luckily my grandson didn't suffer lasting damage . But he could have .

My parents made mistakes but would never dream of telling them as it would have been cruel and my brother where brought up knowing no matter what we where loved and given the attention we needed. My husband said any children we had would be brought up the way I was. And we did and I continued after he died.

It's always the same Marg, which is why I'm so pleased that you're on the support thread now.

All too easy to disregard the influence and damage a third party can do when you've never had personal experience. I do think that those who always go down this route do so because it has to be our fault or it could happen to them but it seems that no one's immune .

I see that on my original thread re estrangement that the usual debate about d.i.l has started and I just want to say that I was never jealous of mine and did all I could to make her welcome. It is up to the ES to deal with to these problems and be strong. Estranging his own parents is not the answer. Also I feel that our d.i.l. could do so much to heal if she really tried but she never did even for the sake of her husband's piece of mind.

Very true Smiles - no one emerges unscathed from estrangement. Broken relationships leave scars. Welcome Marg, Karen and Portait. Good you have found us. We do help one another when we’re having a tough day - although as time passes I do think resilience grows. It has to. Sunny day here too - enjoyed a good walk in the fresh air. Spring is here - my favourite time of year!

Oh yes, we talk about our ES sometimes too. It's impossible not too, they're our sons and regardless of how they've behaved they always will be.

I can't begin to imagine what it would be like for an EAC when their estranged parent(s) dies if they regret what they've done.

he'd rather run than face up to anything I think our estranged son would too but even if you can run forever, you can't outrun this because it will always be with you.

Estrangement shapes the rest of their lives as well as ours.

We're the same Smileless, we've accepted as well and moved forward. It doesn't stop us having a conversation about him occasionally, and that's what prompted me to write on here. It's the futility of it all, and I know that when we are not here he will be devastated, I know him and when he has to face all this, I hope he can cope with it. That sounds a bit dramatic but he'd rather run than face up to anything. Anyway, it's another beautiful day here, we must make the most of every day and not waste a minute, I just wish he felt the same.

I think that's one of the saddest things about estrangement Marg, the loss of trust which is so difficult to get back once it's lost.

For us, it was only when we accepted that our relationship with our son was over, and there was nothing we could do to change the situation, that we were able to move forward and make a life without him.

It's good to know that you have a loving D, s.i.l. and grand daughter. Our other son lives in Aus. and was divorced a few years ago; no children.

It's a double whammy with him living on the other side of the world but we face time regularly which is something.

I think that we've moved on as our situation has evolved over thirty years. There's been reconciliations, but never to an extent where we could all move on together. We could never really trust each other to make everything right. It's sad but the realisation is good because then it's enabled us to make a life without him. We have a loving daughter, son in law and granddaughter.

Hello Marg, I'm glad you've popped on to the support thread. You can have a read through some of our posts and get to know us. You'll see that we chat about all aspects of our lives because as you'll have found having been estranged from your son for 12 years, there is a life beyond being estranged, it's just not the life we thought we would have.

You're right about there not being many resources for those of us who've been estranged Portrait but I think it's getting better and the more we are able to talk openly about it, the better it will be.

It's so hard when it happens because we automatically feel that we must be to blame and even if we know we're not, there's the fear of being judged by others.

I hope you're all enjoying the spring and making the most of this lovely weather.

We went to a local garden centre for lunch and bought a lovely little rose bush for our decked area. The golf course opened yesterday and the dogs are being entertained watching the golfers on the green we can see from our living room patio doors, sinking their putts.

We finally got the material we ordered to match our new suite and re upholstered our small foot stool to match. Looks really good even if I do say so myself.

We also finally got some decent internet connection yesterday too. Our dongle's been good but not always good enough for streaming apart from Netflix which is never a problem.

Thinking of you and Mr. B. Babs and keeping you in my prayers xx

Thanks to all well wishers and welcome to new posters on the thread. This is a safe space.
Sitting in the hospital, no change in Mr
Bs condition but they say that this is good news with a brain injury.
Will check in from time to time.
Take care all and remember ‘enjoy yourself it’s later than you think.’
🌺🙏🏾

I started a thread yesterday about my estrangement, with some lovely kind messages. I've taken their advice and have popped over here!

Welcome Karen.

Thank you Whiff for thinking of me and offering your thoughts and support. We are all on this journey of pain but like you said, it's nice to support each other. There are so little resources out there for people in our position. It's nice to have this corner of the world to connect with each other.

Karen1960

Hi Everyone I have just joined today and just finding my way around the site.

Hello to this new poster, too, and I’m so sorry that you are also experiencing estrangement. I’m sure you will find support here 💐.

Babs, 🙏🏻 thinking of you all.

Portrait sorry never acknowledged your posts. Glad you found support here . Life and worry about Bab's husband got in the way. But that's what this thread is like we care about eachother and give support where we can . It's not a doom and gloom thread estrangement brought us together but that's just part of our lives. So we talk about other things . Like having a chat with good friends.

I ramble on and speak plainly I don't use words like narcissist and definitely don't believe in a narcissistic gene . The old saying money is the root of all evil is nonsense. It's how people view having lots of money . I have known a millionaire and you wouldn't have thought he had 2 pennies to rub together . He didn't flaunt his wealth and he made his money with small amount of money his dad gave him and his 3 brothers to give them a start . He was a builder just a one man band which he grew through hard work and long hours. He's wife didn't know he was wealthy when they meet as he had a beat up old car he didn't see the need off a flashy new one as he could repair this one himself. Only time he wore a suit was his wedding day and his funeral.

Money does not buy health or happiness. Yes it's nice not to have money worries and until last year I did nothing but worry about money since my husband died. But thankfully don't worry anymore. It's lovely to have my heating on and not have to worry about the bill . But not being brought up with money have always been careful with it.

We bring our children up with unconditional love and attention. How they turn out as adults is up to them . They choose their own path in life . If they need advice then we give it freely no strings attached . Because we love them and only want what's best for them .

Bad behaviour from them is just that it's not flowery words or buzz words to explain their behaviour. Had to look up what a narcissist was plus all the other terms people have used to explain their children's behaviour .

To me they are a load of nonsense. But I talk plainly and don't use those words to excuse bad behaviour or what my son has done . Or my daughter in laws behaviour. When our children misbehaved as child they where naughty and that's what they are a adults. They think there are no consequences to their behaviour just because they are adults . But no matter what age you are their are always consequences to bad behaviour.

My son chose to cut not just me out of his life but all over side of the family. I have 3 grandson's with him and my daughter in law I only got to know the eldest 2 last time they where 4&2 . They boys are now 8,6 & 4. I have given the youngest one a name as my son didn't tell me when he was born or his name. And I can't bare the thought of him without one .

Portrait you and your husband didn't do anything wrong you gave your children everything even private school education. How your youngest daughter has turned out is her choice. It has nothing to do with genes . There are no genes that cause bad behaviour or make people classist ..

I should know I was born disabled and finally in 2022 aged 63 what has been with me my whole life after having my whole genome genetically tested. I was born with the rare hereditary Hyperekplexia gene mutation SLC6A5 type 3. It's a mutant gene in my brain receptors which effects me physically and cause cognitive problems. I am not stupid in fact did very well in school and college . But takes me a few times of reading instructions for the information to sink in. That's why I say talk of a narcissist gene is a load of rubbish it's not a real thing . If it was it could be detected by having a persons while genome genetically tested via a blood test.

Our children make their own choices. Both my children where brought up the same and had the same advantages even after my husband their dad died aged 47,I was 45 and they where 20 &16. We knew my husband wouldn't live 5 years from his cancer diagnosis he lived 3 . Money had been put aside as our daughter was in her final year at uni and money put aside for our son to go. We never treated them differently when my husband was alive and I didn't after he died . They have made their own way in the world without financial help from me . Both have brought their own houses and both couples paid for their own weddings .

I will never understand why my son dumped me . And it's only after his email to me and his sister I found out they hadn't had a good relationship for years but when we where all together they behaved themselves. But my daughter in law has always been jealous of my daughter .

Oops just noticed the time have to go as it's move it or lose it this morning.