Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

Lovely pics Babs

Sparkly I'll read your list later as already lots of posts for me to catch up on.

Beautiful day today, Joey has his 6mnths check up at the vets this morning, they have changed locations, still near, but need to check where I'm going to.

My party was great, better than I could have hoped for, as you never know how it will go. My son helped me do the buffet and also helped set the hall up, along with my DD, GD and s.i.l doing the DJing. He did really well, had all the lights, even bubbles, we danced the night away and no-one wanted to leave, especially me, we did over-run a bit .

My sister came for lunch the following day. Just as well I got cover for my 2 classes, as lots of clearing up to do and I was exhausted!

Took me 1.5hrs to open all my presents the next day, I was texting my thanks after opening each present, so took a while, lovely presents. . Next day [my actual birthday] had a pamper day and lunch at the very posh Roslin beach spa hotel, felt sooo pampered.

More clearing up on Weds, owing to my new bed and chasing my kettle which should have arrived Monday! My dress I ordered for my party never arrives [anger] Lucky I had a very nice cocktail dress in the wardrobe that I could only have worn once. Phone ringing...........

for you Whiff with all those anniversaries making you feel sad. xxx

Beautiful photos Babs and sorry to hear your husband is unwell. Hope things improve soon. Am impressed you’ve found the right sofa Smiles….I usually look for ages and more often than not have been disappointed when it arrives. Need a good eye for such things - which sadly I don’t have!
My friend who was barred from their EAC’s funeral a couple of months ago has tried to find out what has happened to the ashes. Funeral Director said they’d been told not to tell them! So cruel.
Refusing to let a parent know what happened to their child’s ashes. Seems like another stab in the heart from beyond the grave. My friend is being stoical about it, but it must hurt. We decided says far more about the other family members than them. Guess this is another aspect of estrangement we might need to be prepared for.

@Smiles so glad your new suite looks the business, Mr S is right you must have an eye for colour. And your new home must look fabulous now. 🤩
The pics we took were on the Saturday but travelling down on the Friday was torrential rain, we pulled off into services twice because Mr B hates motorway driving in those conditions.
Have a restful evening all 👍🌺

Hello everyone.

Your pics are lovely Babs and it looks as if you had good weather while you were there. What a shame Mr. B, can't go with you to London but with his shoulder problem he'll be better off staying at home.

Sorry you still haven't fully recovered Sparkly, frustrating I know but try to be patient, norovirus takes its toll and takes some getting over .

Yes the suite has arrived Whiff and looks absolutely fabulous . Just the right colour to go with the blinds we bought and Mr. S. said he's always impressed at how I can carry colours in my head.

Funnily enough, as we were waiting for the suite to come, two men arrived to sort out the kitchen floor. I was rather taken a back and worried they'd still be here when the other delivery men arrived, but thankfully they got finished and had left.

The floor look great, they did a good job and hopefully there wont be any more problems.

Sending you a BIG (((hug))) for tomorrow Whiff x.

Am off to London again on Nana duties from tomorrow till midday sat. Mr B not up to it sadly, his health is not great right now. He has bursitis in his shoulder as well as a frozen shoulder, could also be an impingement, is in pain all the time and can’t sleep, the painkillers prescribed made him like a zombie and injections haven’t worked. He recently drove to Brighton but was a struggle, I wish I could drive, never learned. Anyway have told him not to come with to London.
Take care and have a good day 🙏🏾🌺

@sparkly glad you are recovering but do go easy, if you are like me you will want to be back to normal asap, am too impatient for my own good. Tried that after the flu early last year and ended up feeling totally wiped for weeks, we forget we are older sometimes and our bodies need more time. Do take a tonic it will help and bless your nurse - your dear cat.
@whiff so glad you are getting back to your usual self, a busy bee 🐝 again. I know these few days have been hard for you emotionally, sending hugs 🤗

Babs thank you . I am an atheist as is most of my family. But my husband like you say lives on in our heart and minds. I like to think he lives in our children's DNA and my grandsons.

Sparkly interesting list. I don't believe in therapy counselling. My best friend is a family counsellor and tried it on me when I told her about my son who she has known since birth. But told her to knock it off as I don't want or need just counselling. Just want my friend. We haven't mentioned him since . Only reason I went to a group bereavement after my husband died as the children thought it would help me. It was useless. Woman who ran it was married and did a 12 week course. I was 45 nearest to my age was a man who was 68 and the women where in there 70-80's . Grief was never discussed. I went for 2 years until the children left home and could stop going. They never asked me if it helped as I don't lie, but asked if it was ok which it was they where nice people .

What helps me and hopefully helps others are my rambles on this and other threads .

Spring you are right in saying they think friends will become family. But they have their own families to deal with they don't need other people's problems no matter how close a friend they are .

All my grandsons are missing out as my sons boys only know one nannie and don't know they have 2 cousins and other family members. And my daughter's boys only know they have 2 cousins and aunt and uncle on their dad's side . Not 5 cousins and another aunt and uncle .

Smiles hope your suite arrives this afternoon and hopefully dry when it's being delivered. Otherwise you will have to dry the plastic cover before unwrapping. It will look lovely with the rest of your colours. Did your kitchen floor get sorted out?

Lovely pics Babs .

Allsorts hope you are healing well and your mobility hasn't been been effected to badly.

Concert at the music room was good . But the soprano was very loud even with my medium hi fidelity ear plugs had to put my hand over my left ear. It was amazing Ruby Colley wrote her brothers sounds into a vocal arrangement and she played the violin to accompany them. Did I say her brother was neurodiverse and communicated through noises and eye and hand movements. My uncle who had Downs could talk but at times he used sounds some of which her brother uses. Had a nice chat with her afterwards. I know I can go and see a full orchestra and know I need to sit further back and use the highest ear plugs. Just have to decide when and what I want to listen to later in the year.

Went to move it or lose it yesterday and 2 of my neighbours have joined I was glad to see more people joined as well . She tested our function to do 2 different things at once much laughter . Tested my cognitive function. But did get into a muggle but will be back next week. I know doing the 2 classes is helping me stay mobile as we do different things in the classes ,plus my exercises at home at least back to doing 300 on my static pedals. Which I am happy about . Trying to get back the strength in my arms and hands I have lost. But have to accept I wouldn't get it all back . Which annoys the hell out of me . But if it hadn't been for the care I had in both hospitals things could have been much worse.

Had a phone call from one of the friends I made at the Brain Charity she had missed me but told her I will only be going for special events but will see her in March . My daughter knocked sense into me as I know it's to much for me to travel now for the length of time I am there.

At least got my new craft group to go to on 19th . So looking forward to that . My daughter and grandsons coming after school today . Would have seen them on Sunday but had 2 friends here for 3 hours. Never short of anything to talk about . Plus gave me an excuse to bake some biscuits which I had one and they took the rest home .

Anyway better get on . Have a good day whatever you are doing. 😊

Spring20 I hear you. I’ve had at least one therapist who voiced her opinion that families don’t “do” estrangement at all. It seems their training and maybe supervision hasn’t been deep and robust enough in the area of any trauma, including family estrangement.

Morning everyone. Thank you Smileless and Babs03 for your comments on the list.

Number 2 resonates with me too. My DS was always a gentle person, clever but easily over ridden I think.

Babs03 thank you for saying about norovirus. I’m still healing, very tired and weakish legs which is wierd. The South Downs looks gorgeous..

One of my cats has been sleeping on my chest or closely wrapped around my side for about 2 weeks. So cute and a comfort.

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202502/medium-93671-14cb0fe2-cf14-4679-9cf6-818587f32a11.jpeg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202502/medium-97462-d50edf7b-0706-4b75-b75b-1332d0279923.jpeg

Views of the South Downs when we went to Brighton at the weekend.

Evening everyone.

A difficult day for you yesterday Whiff, today and the 6th of this month . We know when they're coming don't we but aren't always prepared for the effect they may have on us.

An interesting post Sparkly so thank you and as Babs has posted, number 2 will resonate with some EP's especially me and Mr. S.

Everything seems and feels worse when we're unwell Allsorts and when there's no one there to simply make you a and show a little kindness, it's even harder.

That's sad Spring but doesn't surprise me. Friends and even husbands/wives/partners can move on and when that happens and the EAC, realising what they've done considers contacting those they've estranged, whose to say that reconciliation is desired never mind possible.

Hope the party went well Yogin.

Our new suite is coming on Wednesday afternoon; so excited and can't wait to see what it's like in the cover we chose and the difference it will make to the room.

What if I don't like it!!!!! Only joking .

I can see the issues in all you’ve written Sparkly. One concern is some therapists focus on estrangement being the ideal solution, rather than working towards possible reconciliation/ managing a difficult relationship. Maybe it’s easier to help someone estrange rather than work at repairing a relationship? Also read the other day that many young adults are lonely, having given up on their families thinking their friends would become their ‘family’, but realising down the line friends move on, drift away. For any who need to hear this (including myself) a counsellor my husband and I saw at the start of the estrangement (he’d also met with our EAC) said sometimes dysfunctional homes produce grounded secure individuals, and sound loving homes produce troubled youngsters. It just is.

I too don't believe in counselling, gets you to talk about yourself, reliving everything, they can’t advise, just ask leading questions so you have the answer for yourself. Fine, but most times there's no answer, all anyone can do, if at fault, apologise and talk it through, but if there's no contact you can’t. Just change how you react. A friendly ear is helpful, being there for someone as its a lonely place,

Am afraid I have a very low opinion of therapy, maybe there are good therapists who really try their best to be objective but I also think there are many bad therapists who make good money out of people’s misfortune, unmonitored by any authority and in some cases uncertificated. Indeed this made the news a few months ago.
Untold damage, as Spring20 said, can be caused by a therapist advising or supporting estrangement when only knowing one side of the problem. Sparkly you have listed this as a real issue.
My eldest daughter saw a therapist/counsellor and was after this that she started to say things we had never heard her say before, phrases she would never ordinarily use, as if someone was literally putting the words in her mouth. We suggested family therapy hoping that at least our other daughters and ourselves would have a chance to have some input of course she wouldn’t sign up to that.
Is monstrous that anyone should ever tip the scales with regard to an estrangement without being in full possession of the facts.
Thanks for posting this Sparkly very informative, am pretty sure number two will chime with several on here.
Have a good day estrangees 🌺

Take care Whiff. A sad day indeed. Sending love x

Glad you’re enjoying the book Allsorts. It may not help you understand your estrangement (who really can??) but it will help you see such things are far from uncommon.
Really hope you are able to feel calmer and in a more settled place after being ill. It is tough, and does make us more vulnerable emotionally. We are all here for you though.

Thanks for the list Sparkly. Will take some time to think about it before posting my thoughts, but have always found it odd some therapists encourage folk to estrange having never met the parents! They know nothing about us, but are happy to engage with facilitating something that has huge repercussions, and may ultimately be harmful on so many levels.

Evening fellow Gransnetters,

Some ideas regarding therapists and estrangement;

Part 2: Five Common Mistakes Therapist Make with Estranged Parents
Yesterday I wrote about the five most common mistakes therapists make with estranged parents. Here are 5 more:

1. Failing to take an adequate history of the parent and their estranged child. It’s inappropriate to give advice to an estranged parent without first getting a detailed developmental history of the parent and of the now-grown child. Otherwise, a therapist can't determine the influence of parental mistakes vs the influence of long-standing issues in the child such as learning disabilities, mental illness, addiction, or other challenges.

2. Failing to understand the power of a motivated son-in-law or daughter-in-law. The troubled spouse of an adult child can create an estrangement where one wouldn’t ordinarily exist by saying, “Choose them or me."

3. Failing to understand the long-term impact and damage of parental alienation. Parental alienation often begins when children are young, though alienation can occur at any age. Either way, research shows that the damage may be lifelong to both the targeted parent and the alienated child. Therapists who are unfamiliar with these realities may damage the self-esteem of the parent and fail to provide them with an accurate understanding of the etiology of the problems. In addition, they may provide strategies and interventions that are counter to what is likely to increase the chance of a reconciliation.

4. Being unwilling to interview people related to the estrangement. Sometimes a 360-degree view is required before the right intervention is discovered. This may mean interviewing aunts, uncles, grandparents, or even ex-spouses to determine what steps need to be put in place to maximize the chance of a potential reconciliation.

5. Not being willing to reach out to the estranged adult child. While the estranged child may be unwilling to talk to the parent, they are often willing to provide the parent’s therapist with information about their perspective that can prove critical to a potential reconciliation.

If you need help in this area, join us for:
IS YOUR CHILD'S THERAPIST THE PROBLEM?
TUESDAY FEB 4
430 PM PACIFIC
Register here
Register for full series here
Free study guide

A sad day for you Whiff am sure but also a time to celebrate the birth of a man who became so loved and missed by you. Some say those who have died look down upon us but I prefer to think they live on inside us, in our hearts and our minds, always there when we want to summon a much loved memory, and speaking to us as if they are right there beside us, which at that moment they are.
Will light a candle 🕯️ tonight in his memory. Am not religious but I like the thought of a light in the darkness reminding us of the light loved ones brought to our lives.
Thinking of you 🌺❤️

Allsorts I binge watched North Shore very good series. Babs is right physical pain effects how you feel mentally and I think vice versa by what I read on other threads on health forum.

Today would have been my husband's 68th birthday shed a few tears this morning. But fine now. I always thought I would die first and was prepared for that to happen. But life isn't fair and it was my fit healthy husband who got cancer and died. Tomorrow will be the anniversary of our first date 50 years ago then the 6th, 21st anniversary of his death. I wonder if our son remembers or even cares anymore . He may do because he's dad's dead and no threat to relationship with his wife. As I think that's why he dumped me my daughter in law saw me as a threat because he loved me so did my grandsons they loved coming here as he told me they got excited when they realised where they were coming . He was 16 when his dad died 38 this year. We always told the children how much we loved them and was proud of them . He's dad wouldn't be proud of what he has done .

Funny enough when in hospital never thought of my son once . I was worried about my daughter and talked daily to her dad . No idea where this is going as my thoughts are jumbled today. Had a nightmare last night haven't had one for months . It was so bad had to put my bedside lamp on and radio before I could get back to sleep no idea what it was about.

Yogin have a wonderful party sorry forgot when it is . 🥂.

Thank you Babs and Yoga. I think after three weeks in I’m feeling sorry for myself, not an attractive quality.Losing my mother when she was so young and full of life, I expected to go early, but here I am. We spoke every day on the phone, we saw each other each week. This way of just binning your own family is awful, nothing and no-one is perfect, I must irritate a Saint sometimes. Watching North Shore last night an elderly lady dispensed some wisdom to a younger DI, if people don't care for your feeling, !!!! Them. How very true, you can guess the !
I can’t put that book down, it’s very well written once you get used to the way they spell words in America. Everyone has a story in them.

Allsorts I wonder how your/our DD/DS will feel when they are GP and surplus to requirements. Will they look back and regret their cruelty to their dear mum .

Allsorts

I have got the book recommended today, hope it makes me see sense. Know there is no chance of us ever reuniting but cant help that abandoned feelings when I see my friends with their families..I don't see my son much anymore as he's spending time with his family after years of working away, so not estranged or anything, I just feel surplus to requirements,

I don’t imagine that you need to see sense Allsorts, you sound like a pretty sensible person to me, but what you have been through has knocked your confidence. However, the book could be a good read and help you in other ways.
I think you said you had been suffering from ill health, this is bound to affect the way you feel. I firmly believe that when someone suffers physical pain it can also cause emotional/mental pain. Everything is connected.
But you are definitely not surplus to requirements. As a survivor of estrangement just being there for all of us and new posters means a lot.
Take care 🌺🙏🏾

I have got the book recommended today, hope it makes me see sense. Know there is no chance of us ever reuniting but cant help that abandoned feelings when I see my friends with their families..I don't see my son much anymore as he's spending time with his family after years of working away, so not estranged or anything, I just feel surplus to requirements,

Thanks Yogi have PM'd you.
xx