Sons partner dislikes me , now son is very very distant , estranged.

Thank you all very much for your reply’s , I really appreciate them. Take care

Jogr, I am sorry you have bern treated so badly by your son and his wife. I broke my heart for years, wasted years because my daughter doesn't care, I could be dead and she wouldn't know.you don’t just cut your own mother off if you haven't been abused in anyway. Its quite an epidemic now, look at Harry and Megan, both sides of family all cut off. I really think they don't want the bother of us, friends and what they want much more interesting.. You have been given good advice, you are not at fault, hold on to that and just keep doors of communication open with odd text and cards, you are fortunate in that you have your husband, spend what time and spare money you have on doing things you enjoy together.

I doubt, jogr, if your daughter-in-law's 'dislike' of you has anything to do with you personally,, what you have done or not done. There is a certain type of person who deliberately seeks out a spouse they can dominate, and in the case of a daughter-in -law, the mother -in-law is the first target to be disposed of. She will see you as an enemy simply because you have some influence with your son, and she cannot allow that.
I have two close friends both of whom welcomed their daughter-in-laws with open arms, did everything they could to help, particularly financially, and both were estranged from the family at the instigation of said daughter-in-law.
Both maintained very limited contact with their sons and grandchildren; one because son and wife are not at all ashamed to come begging for money 'for the grandchildren' and the only way she is allowed to see them is if she pays up; the other because of a family crisis when the son lost his job, as a result of wife's interference, had a breakdown, and she was needed for help and yes, more money. DIL had to go out to work for the first time in her life, at fifty.
All you can do is maintain contact and do not criticise the wife in any way. One son now realises how much damage his wife has caused, destroying his career and wider family, but will not leave until the last child has left home ; the other is still besotted with his wife, who tells their children that 'Grandma stole money from me which is why she had to leave our house' which they faithfully repeated to Grandma and asked her why she did it.
You are dealing with a woman who will stop at nothing to maintain control, so be as 'vanilla' as you can and hope you can develop a relationship with the grandchildren when they are adults and realise what has happened.

How can you be too happy? From the comments she has made about you she sounds very judgemental and who sees herself as superior to you.. perhaps a bullet well missed?

I would just continue to be there for your son if he wishes to make contact and try to see your GC with him but don't be at all needy.. She sadly has the power.. whatever you do make sure you never criticize her..

There's no wisdom in that old saying Baggs, it's ridiculous and if it wasn't bandied about there might be fewer examples of son's abandoning their parents.

A son's a son for the whole of his life, regardless of whether he has a wife.

Babs03

Am so sorry that this has happened, is not uncommon sadly, but you have tried your very best, indeed your son’s partner has not said anything concrete about why she doesn’t like you, rather she has given some pretty weak reasons that don’t actually amount to much.
My advice would be to try talking to your son about seeing him and the GCs separately, because is obvious his partner doesn’t want to get involved. But keep it light don’t say is because his partner is being unreasonable, just say you’d like to see him and the GCs one day.
And in the meantime try to focus on your own life and well-being with your DH. Life is really too short so make to the most of your lives together.
Wishing you all the best 🌺🙏🏾

Great advice. Good luck

Jogr

Hi yes many times I have asked can't get a straight answer. My son told me she does not like me she said I am too happy , superficial, my house is too small and cluttered, and I am not grounded. Tried all thank you for your response

How very rude!

I hope this situation improves, but rest assured it doesn’t seem that you’ve done anything g wrong!

Do you have other children?

Smileless .Thank you, it certainly is wonderful, I wouldn’t want to go through those years again. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Your son's loyalty belongs first to his wife/partner. There is wisdom in the old saying that "your son is your son till he gets him a wife but your daughter's your daughter for all of your life."

Even wisdom is not correct in all circumstances but the principle holds.

This is I'm sorry to say, rather common Jogr. Once close and loving family relationships at best disrupted and at worse torn apart by an adult child's partner.

The partner's own family dynamic being different to yours is also a common aspect. Our ES's wife's family was extremely dysfunctional and rather than embracing our loving and demonstrative relationships, which to begin with we thought she had, she turned against it and us.

The sad thing is it seems my son has lost all his values, morals and teaching of his upbringing, has gone his partner's way I couldn't have put this better if I were talking about our ES.

I hope that you've been able to benefit from counselling and reading about estrangement, even though that hasn't helped your relationship with your son which from what you say, continues to deteriorate.

As long as there is contact regardless of how minimal, there is hope that things will improve but if you can, put that to one side as doing so will help you to get through this, accept that there is nothing you can do, and begin to rebuild your life, a life that does not include your son the way it used too.

There is on this forum a support thread where those of us who are estranged share much about our lives including but not exclusively, our estrangements.

As has already been said, make the most of your time with your DH and your lives together .

I feel I've wasted far to much of our precious time fretting over them. Wish I could turn the clock back you are certainly not alone there Katyj. It took a long time didn't it and a divorce but how wonderful that you got your son back in the end .

She’s made it clear that she doesn’t see herself as part of *your” family so you don’t have to try to include her.

I’m with Babs, in that I’d try to make arrangements to see your son and/or grandchildren separately.

You haven’t given any indication of how much you expect to see them or speak to them. Your son says he is “flat out”, and you are retired and have plenty of time, so what you see as increasing distance might just be a difference in expectation.

I met my son for brunch in October and he quite casually told me he would be too busy to meet until Christmas. But that wasn’t distancing. It was just the other demands of his life.

Perhaps the ‘welcome baby afternoon tea’ was too intense for her? It sounds, to me, a little suffocating.

Yes Jogr- other people's families are different and sometimes they get too intense for some if their family life has been more distant.

It is your own relationship with your son that is key here. Keep whatever you have steady and calm because most men stay away from family drama and you don't want to push him away. Make the most of what contact you have. Find something that makes you feel happy for yourself.
It won't go away but we can find some peace in channeling our energies elsewhere.
I wish you and all your family well.

Thank you

Hi. The same thing happened to us. Son and then girlfriend very young and pregnant after 3 months. We helped them all ways we could as her parents lived away and weren’t interested.
It quickly became clear she was from a very different family to ours, I tried for years to become friends, all a waste of time. Our son became distant, my heart was broken.
He frequently visited on his own but was often moody. We tried talking to him, but he wouldn’t open up, he was very loyal to her.
It only eased for us when our younger son met a lovely girl and married, now has children. DIL didn’t get on with her either.
Now twenty years on they are divorced. I always knew it wouldn’t last, but I didn’t expect it to last twenty years ! He so much happier now and we see him every week.
The only advice I would give is keep the lines of communication open, and get on with your own lives. I feel I’ve wasted far too much of our precious time fretting over them. Wish I could turn the clock back.

Am so sorry that this has happened, is not uncommon sadly, but you have tried your very best, indeed your son’s partner has not said anything concrete about why she doesn’t like you, rather she has given some pretty weak reasons that don’t actually amount to much.
My advice would be to try talking to your son about seeing him and the GCs separately, because is obvious his partner doesn’t want to get involved. But keep it light don’t say is because his partner is being unreasonable, just say you’d like to see him and the GCs one day.
And in the meantime try to focus on your own life and well-being with your DH. Life is really too short so make to the most of your lives together.
Wishing you all the best 🌺🙏🏾

Thankyou , yes she has come from a very different family. The sad thing is it seems my son has lost all his values morals and teaching of his up bringing, has gone his partners way .

Hi yes many times I have asked can't get a straight answer. My son told me she does not like me she said I am too happy , superficial, my house is too small and cluttered, and I am not grounded. Tried all thank you for your response

I was going to ask also about her relationship with her parents. You sound like a warm welcoming person and I have known someone who sounds a little like your son’s partner who was also distant to my mother. My mother was also the most welcoming and warm person and it was soon apparent that this girl had not come from a family like ours who openly displayed affection for each other. I felt she was in some strange way - jealous! I feel so sorry for you. All I can say is that you have done everything you can so just keep in contact as best you can. Don’t give up on it but concentrate on your dh and what you can do together.

I feel for you. Any clue as to why? Have you asked your son flat out if you have said or done something? At this point, it's worth a shot to talk it out and ask why, since it seems at this point, you have nothing to lose. I've heard of possessive partners who do this, it's a shame, family is important. Do they have anything to do with her parents? That could be a clue too.