Vile abuse from adult daughter

jenpax

Luckygirl3

Where is their Mum while you are doing all these things? Does she want you to do them?

Yes she does. She instigates every interaction and says she cannot cope without the help

If she is wanting you to provide all this care, might it be possible to tell her you are happy to do it if she is polite towards you and that you will drop out at the first sign of abuse?

I remember your previous post and like Smileless applaud the fact you no longer live with your daughter, but you are still very much within her orbit. I understand the effects of abuse, people don't believe an AC can abuse a parent but it happens, it happened to us. It reduces you so much that you don't know what day of the week it is, and are forever questionning everything you say or do. I took it for too long and ended up having a breakdown. You cannot sacrifice your own mental health like this. Your GCs matter so much to you, I know, but YOU matter, your wellbeing matters.
Please take a step back, as hard as it is, you need to tell your daughter that you need a break for your own wellbeing. If she becomes abusive just walk away.
And if you ever get suicidal thoughts again please go to your doctor, seek help, and if you want to talk to me about this privately please do PM me.
I know what this kind of abuse does to you.

From what you wrote it is clear that you are a very kind and helpful grandmother and, unless you have changed drastically over the years, which I doubt, you must have a great mother to your ungrateful daughter. It is telling that your two daughters don't feel the same way as she does.

As another poster asked, where is the father of the children in all this? Do he or his parents do anything at all?

I consider I do enough for my GCs and I don't do nearly as much as you do. Your daughter is bullying you and using you, it is not fair.

She obviously cannot cope and is taking it out on you. Perhaps Social Services need to be involved to see what help, if any, would be available for your daughter.

You really must do what you can to separate these relationships. If I were you I would be politely informing my daughter that I would no longer be coming. I would then give times Nd days I were available for the children to visit. There is a rather appropriate saying, "what you allow is what will continue". Think about all the terrible examples Thor children are being exposed to and move the relationship on to your terms. If you cannot do that, simply leave whenever you are spoken too unfairly. Until you can find a place of strength to offer your terms.

Let us start at the beginning. This problem is nothing to do with what you are and everything to do with what your daughter is.

Speak to your other children, they, I am sure, will tell you, have already told you, that none of what this difficult daughter says about you is true. Everything she says comes from within her and is her exercising the power she realises she has to diminish you and make you, a professional women doubt yourself.

So the first thing you need to do is to stop taking this offensive talk as personal to you. Ignore it, do not respond to it. Find a mantra or short phrase to repeat to yourself aagain and again ,when she starts ranting so that you can curl up in its comfort. It may be something like 'I am a successful professional woman' repeated again and aagain

The second thing you must do is start to put some clear water between your daughter and yourself. You say your grandchildren have ND problems, but apart PDA give no indication what these problems are. We are a ND family, but how it affects every family is immensely different depending on the problem and age of the children.

Stop going to the house in the morning and helping the children get dressed and out to school. It might be beneficial to all of them if they did have to manage without help. It may mean that they start being late to school and having problems that do attract, or make necessary, school or social services intervention.

Thirdly make clear to your daughter that unless the abuse stops you will offer no help at all. tell her, if she starts abusing you, you will walk out of the house immediately and leave her to manage on her own - and do not return for the rest of the day.so. She will eventually get the message.

jenpax the solution to this problem is in your hands, but it needs you to take action, and if necessary leave your daughter to manage alone with her children. I cannot think that that result will be any worse than the current situation with a harridan of an abusive daughter shouting at you and the children witnessing it all.

Finally get counselling, there is nothing you cannot tell a counsellor and she will help you recover your self worth and stand up to this difficult daughter

Also turn to your other children, they may not be near you but phones and zooms and texts and whats app, can all help you keep in daily touch and if they know that you are dealling with this difficult situation, I am sure they will give you all the support you need

Hello jenpax. I remember your previous posts and am glad that you no longer live with this D and want to congratulate for making what if I remember correctly, was a very difficult decision.

Now you have to tap into that strength to make some more.

If your D begins to verbally abuse you when you're there helping to get the children ready for school, leave immediately. If they're not ready to leave with you then you'll have to leave them with their mother.

The same needs to be done after school; the minute the abuse begins you have to leave.

As much as you love them they are her responsibility not yours, and until and unless she learns to keep her vile opinions to herself, you cannot be there to help with them.

You must put your emotional and physical well being before your D or you will be unable to be there for your GC .

even if she has PD it doesn't excuse her behaviour and she knows that.. I would make it very clear to her that every time she makes an unpleasant comment to you that you will walk out.. and do it.. she will soon change

I haven’t seen your previous posts so don’t know if your daughter is working. Is she there in the morning or in the evening. Presumably her working hours don’t cover both.

In which case I would just cover the hours when she is at work ie the breakfast shift or the after school shift. To do both is not reasonable or good for your health.

That’s the practical advice. I’m afraid I can’t offer anything about her attitude except to say that you really do more for her than she can reasonably expect and she should appreciate you.

Yes she does work

Barleyfields

Does your daughter work?

I would suggest that you limit your involvement to helping get their breakfast and prepare their packed lunches (given their ages, how much help do they actually need with dressing?) and then pick them up from school, take them home and leave, assuming your daughter is there - otherwise leave when she gets in. That will lessen the time available for your daughter to hurl these vile insults and enable you to eat your dinner at the proper time then relax for the evening. I know you will be on the receiving end of a barrage of abuse for this, but stand your ground. If you don’t cut back on what you’re doing and limit your exposure to your daughter you will become ill and unable to help at all. Good luck.

The children might be capable of physically dressing themselves (obviously the eldest does) but due to the ND and PDA it doesn't happen without a huge amount of coaxing and input

Does your daughter work?

I would suggest that you limit your involvement to helping get their breakfast and prepare their packed lunches (given their ages, how much help do they actually need with dressing?) and then pick them up from school, take them home and leave, assuming your daughter is there - otherwise leave when she gets in. That will lessen the time available for your daughter to hurl these vile insults and enable you to eat your dinner at the proper time then relax for the evening. I know you will be on the receiving end of a barrage of abuse for this, but stand your ground. If you don’t cut back on what you’re doing and limit your exposure to your daughter you will become ill and unable to help at all. Good luck.

She wouldn't be getting any help from me if she treated me in such a deplorable way

Caleo

I suppose your daughter is well aware of her own failures and tries to blame you.

It's just too bad this problem family is being left to you to deal with. Could you ask the social services to help, at least by taking over the evening duties? I think the family needs help and maybe it's too much for you to cope with. The emotional strain must be enormous.

We have asked for help before but because everyone is managing and there are no obvious risks the services (who are under huge pressure) are not interested. The children all attend main stream schools and are very bright so school do not see the hard work that goes in to keeping them regulated and happy.

I suppose your daughter is well aware of her own failures and tries to blame you.

It's just too bad this problem family is being left to you to deal with. Could you ask the social services to help, at least by taking over the evening duties? I think the family needs help and maybe it's too much for you to cope with. The emotional strain must be enormous.

I know from experience that if you carry on as you are you will be of no use to anyone, you will have burn out. You are dealing with four people with mental health issues. Make yourself scarce, the next abusive comment your d makes to you, leave. She will have to manage. No one should be an emotional punch bag for anyone. Those that don’t agree, cannot judge because until you are there you can’t judge and most would not last a day.

I think you should hold back a big bit on what you do I certainly wouldn’t be going home at 11 pm to cook your dinner that’s just plain daft
Whilst still helping with the children I would withdraw a great deal of other things and do it on your terms ‘Yes I ll have the children from a to b, and then stick to it’
Your daughter sounds very mentally ill has she a diagnosis ?
Tell her you’re willing to help but the minute she derides you or calls you a name withdraw She ll learn at some point hopefully if you stick to your rules
No need to argue with her just withdraw she old to have to learn respect though

Yes her father is around sadly has his own mental health issues so can be of limited support in fact its more me supporting him.
However he despairs of her too. I agree she most likely has PDA and is almost certainly ND too but has not been diagnosed.

I don’t have any words of advice, but remember that it is your daughter who is the problem, not you. However, it’s something that feels hollow when it is your daughter, isn’t it? You have done nothing to be ashamed of and are going above and beyond to help her with her challenging children. You mention that she was always difficult, even as a child. Could it be that she has PDA herself? She obviously has big issues, but she should not be taking them out on you. Is the children’s father in the picture, or her own father? If so, what is their take on the situation? You are anonymous here and among friends. You will find many listening ears here. 💐

Luckygirl3

Where is their Mum while you are doing all these things? Does she want you to do them?

Yes she does. She instigates every interaction and says she cannot cope without the help

Glad you are no longer living with this vile daughter.
I am also glad that you are still involved with the children.
Others may feel different.
So I shall just wish you good luck and see what the other GNetters have to say

The father does not live locally and has an acrimonious relationship with my daughter since they separated. The children are 15,8 and 6

Where is their Mum while you are doing all these things? Does she want you to do them?

Your DD is either seriously mentally unwell or just a bitter horrible person.

Either way you don’t need to tolerate this.

Ask her to get paid care in and disappear for a while and recoup,

I thinks she’s extremely lucky to have so much practical support.

Clearly you love and care about your DGC, but they are really not your responsibility and they are hers!

Where is their father?

Please do speak with a trustworthy friend.

Don’t tolerate or continue to be upset by her vile lies and abuse!

How old are the children?
Can you have them at your house and just drop them off at dinner time and go away

I would stop doing the breakfast run if I were you, too.
Having your evening meal late is not good for you.
💐