Estrangement

Raising awareness about parental and grandparent alienation.

chng.it/9f2hZKj24Q

Mj 😊

anna1960 just copy the text from your post here and paste it into a new post

Oh that is far beyond my capabilities. Perhaps report to HQ for help?

Thank you so much for your kind reply, i should have realised about starting a new thread was not thinking straight i guess. Is there a way i can move my post to a new thread without typing it all again, sorry i am not very computer savvy!

anna1960 it may be a good idea to start a separate thread so that more people will see it and be able to support you. I would suggest the relationship forum for this because you are not estranged at present and most of those who use this forum are estranged or dealing with a family estrangement. While you still have even a distant relationship like this I think perhaps advice from those who have had similar struggles might be rather more productive that advice from those who no longer have those relationships. My heart goes out to you. I hope things improve for you.

Hello all, i am currently in an estrangement situation, i have three adult sons, my youngest still lives at home. My children all had happy childhoods and were like the three muskateers growing up they all looked out for each other. When my eldest got a girlfriend and eventually married he became very distant and to cut a long story short i know hardly ever see or hear from him. When i do see him on occasion he is always polite enough but i sometimes feel he would rather just not see me again, we always had a good relationship before he met his now wife, i have accepted the way he is now, as long as he is happy which he seems to be. However the reason for my post is that my second son has also now become estranged. Again he had a happy childhood like his brothers and was shown nothing but love and support throughout his life. He left home late at age 30 as he was ready to leave, was his decision to go and it broke my heart, but he was ready. He took with him his two pet cats, one of whom he was especially close to, he loved her with all his heart. Sadly she passed away last year at age 13, she had cancer. He was devastated to lose her and i gave him as much support as i could at the time. She died in october and as christmas was approaching i asked him what he would like for presents at christmas. He replied saying not to bother as he wasn't coming at christmas he wasn't interested in celebrating. Although i was upset as it would be the first time ever not seeing him at christmas, i understood as knew he was grieving for his pet. I told him that i would be thinking of him and to contact me anytime if he needed to chat. Since then i have contacted him a few times asking if i could visit as i miss him, but he doesn't respond. He occasionally messages on whatsapp, but it is just short conversations regarding his other cat and how she is doing, or maybe about a film he has watched that he forgot about. Whenever i mention meeting up he goes silent. As the months have passed i am getting more and more upset about not seeing him, it is affecting my health, i can't sleep, i cry every day, my whole body aches and i am just bereft at not being able to see my son. He worked at a local retail store so my youngest son and i decided to do some shopping there, (it's a twenty minute bus ride away) i just thought at least if i see him at the store, it will give me peace of mind he is ok, however i couldn't see him and said to a member of staff is he off work today and she told me he had left two months ago! Now i am so worried he may not have another job and may be struggling to manage, i am also terrified he may be ill in some way and how would i know! I have even considered contacting the police to do a welfare check on him, but i don't want to anger my son by doing that, but i am at my wits end and cannot understand why he is not wanting to see his family. Any advice would be so much appreciated.

Hope everyone ok.
Smileless I hope you enjoyed reading your book in the sunshine, I can't sit out as my Hay Fever has been dreadful so I look through the window at the lovely garden, I need to live by the sea as I don't get it there.
Baby, thoughts are with you and your husband, he seems to have improved a little but it's a day at a time, just try to look
after yourself.

Well it's not deleted.

What is being corrected is the claim that you are once again reiterating that this was about ALL DIL.

Who was?

I've reported the thread.

The comment as written was not made to cause the reaction it did but the twisting of it to suggest it was about all d's.i.l., certainly was done to cause a reaction and if you deal with facts and not conjecture as you claim Luminance, you should know that

It wasn't!
You're the only person twisting it. I've said numerous times it was about Pascels comment.

*The comment that appears to have been twisted for the sake of causing an argument Luminance was from pascal who said that all the friends she knows who have been estranged, have been estranged because of all of their d's.i.l. (my emphasis).

No one including pascal has denied that this was said. What is being corrected is the claim that you are once again reiterating that this was about ALL DIL.*

Was that from me?

If so, no, I was commenting on only Pascels comment taking about 'ALL' DIL from her comment and her comment alone.

Thank you - yes, I’m so excited!

That's great stillawipp I bet you can hardly wait .

Yes, absolutely Smileless2012 - that was definitely something I learned during our estrangement, much as I was wanting to try & keep them safe/try to help them avoid any mistakes (or so I thought !). We now ‘butt out’ completely unless asked, whatever we think. It’s so hard sometimes, but so worth it, & we are now looking forward to our first ‘multi-generational’ holiday for 5 years, later in the year 💕💕.

I agree. The best lessons learned in life are the ones we learn ourselves and not other peoples.

Smileless2012

Thanks Norah.

You're welcome. I stand by the idea that AC don't want old fashioned opinions, advice, help - because our 4 daughters don't.

Four examples, they want to do what they want, when they want, with no daft advice or opinions - so we don't, waiting for their choices.

Small example: one of our granddaughters has been wanting to purchase a home. She was looking in what seemed to be the wrong price, wrong place, for the wrong attributes - or so we thought.

We said little, agreed to what bits were sensible, avoided direct questions on her daft choices. My husband told her how much renovations and modernisations would cost, when asked. He said 'slap paint on' as cheap and easy.

She finally found a very well priced small home, in a good location, needing some paint tins thrown on and carpet pulled. No opinions given, no fussing over out of date grandparent views. No estrangement.

I truly believe quietly waiting, not pushing daft ideas is key.

Thanks Norah.

Smileless2012

Do you have any specific examples Norah?

If you're asking "do you know pushy parents who must give advice and opinions?" -- yes I do. Do they wonder to their AC estrangements? I suspect so - no proof because they don't admit to estrangement.

Naturally estranged don't have to admit, not my business.

Do you have any specific examples Norah?

stillawipp By any chance, did a refusal to let anything go unchallenged, or a need to be proved right and have the last word play a part in any of the estrangements?!

Of course - always correct parents still assume their opinions and daft advice matter to their adults children. AC don't care to daft opinions.

For unknown reasons some parents care and push to estrange.

Didn't have anything to do with our estrangement stillawipp.

We'll just have to agree to disagree Luminance; you don't think it's fair and I do.

Smileless2012

I think it's fair if you know them Luminance and if you think it's fair then why on earth did you post earlier that ^no one can share such anecdotal thoughts about the relationships of friends and acquaintances with any credibility?

There would have been no need for any back and forth would there if you'd given the same credibility to a poster here as you give to yourself.

My point is Smileless2012 that I do not think that would be fair to say at all. I used it as an example but I would never say that to anyone as an argument to make a point because I was not witness to what happened behind closed doors. I think that would be cruel to estranged parents given where we are. You do not think that would be cruel and I accept you feel that way and wouldn't argue against someone who said that. However I must in the interest of fairness

Oh my goodness - I thought I’d come back to this thread to see whether it had moved on to anything more helpful for others, but the same people are still arguing after about 3 days 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣 !!! By any chance, did a refusal to let anything go unchallenged, or a need to be proved right and have the last word play a part in any of the estrangements?!

I think it's fair if you know them Luminance and if you think it's fair then why on earth did you post earlier that ^no one can share such anecdotal thoughts about the relationships of friends and acquaintances with any credibility?

There would have been no need for any back and forth would there if you'd given the same credibility to a poster here as you give to yourself.

I work closely with many people who have estranged from a family mmber. It would be fair of me to say most of those are the child of a parent. Were I to say "ALL estranged children I have personally met estranged for good reason and made the correct decision" I am very sure you would find that I unfair. If you believe it is fair you may agree to that statement and we do not need a back and forth over it.