Not fully estranged but gaining depth into what it is

Smileless2012

What we have also witnessed on this thread Luminance are some rather unpleasant responses to the OP. It's extremely difficult to listen too what's being dressed up as advice when in fact it's anything but.

How something is said is just as important as how it's said and posters should be responded too on what they have actually said, not on what someone else decides they've said because it suits their own agenda.

This is insightful and I am in total agreement with you.

Thank you Smarter and thank you for your insightful, thoughtful, fair and balanced contributions.

From my own personal experience, short as it is, it is almost impossible to give any sort of advice however kindly worded here. Something gets picked out and picked on and the general message is ignored. I am not estranged myself but have a little understanding of what estranged parents or estranged children go through in my personal and professional life. I would say that, treating each situation or person by merit is the best way to go. There is a deep underlying suspicion of each other here in some cases but not all I would say. Boundaries generally do not overlap, were I to have a boundary that I do not discuss my religion with my sister for example, she cannot have the boundary that I must discuss my religion with her. Boundaries are rather simple things that do help relationships stay healthy. There is a lot more to myself or my sister than religion in this case that we may talk about. Perhaps not on a Sunday morning but otherwise.

Luminance

From my own personal experience, short as it is, it is almost impossible to give any sort of advice however kindly worded here. Something gets picked out and picked on and the general message is ignored. I am not estranged myself but have a little understanding of what estranged parents or estranged children go through in my personal and professional life. I would say that, treating each situation or person by merit is the best way to go. There is a deep underlying suspicion of each other here in some cases but not all I would say. Boundaries generally do not overlap, were I to have a boundary that I do not discuss my religion with my sister for example, she cannot have the boundary that I must discuss my religion with her. Boundaries are rather simple things that do help relationships stay healthy. There is a lot more to myself or my sister than religion in this case that we may talk about. Perhaps not on a Sunday morning but otherwise.

Hmm yes. Boundries should not overlap. But when they do, I think therein lies the problem. Then it becomes who's boundry is more important, or better, etc? I think in loving relationships, boundaries should be flexible, movable. Perhaps not all.....some things may be of more serious nature. Any picky type things should give way to compromise by each. An unmovable boundary is indeed a wall, hard and cold. So people need to use boundries wisely. Or break down ine once in awhile for love. I think that's a problem...people are less and less willing to compromise, tend to cater about their own needs over another's even if there is supposed to be love. The idea of boundries themselves , with all their popularity actually, ironically, prove that there is no such thing as unconditional love, Boundries are conditions. Kinda funny how that works.

Do you have some examples of overlapping boundaries so I might better understand your point Smileless2012? Personally I would view respecting boundaries as unconditional love, because unconditional love respects others differences. I would give an example of, whether an adult child chose a.different religion or not to follow a religion at all. They may set a boundary that, this is not discussed because they wish no pressure to choose what the parent chose for them growing up as an adult. Violating that boundary would be placing a condition on love would it not? By saying I will continue to do what you do not like and you must accept it.

Respect for each other as free thinking adults- completely.
When children are involved it becomes less clear where the boundaries should be in order to protect the child from harm.
In addition I would say that once boundaries are breached there should be a re-setting through apologising for hurt caused and in turn forgiveness for the person who apologises.
Saying sorry is sometimes the hardest thing, but often the healthiest if you want to continue in a relationship of value.

Smileless How something is said is just as important as how it's said

Absolutely. It is perfectly possible to give hard messages in a way that can be "heard"!

Luminance ...*it is almost impossible to give any sort of advice however kindly worded here*

I have always tried to give sometimes difficult advice on here kindly but honestly. I have many experiences over the years where that diffiicult advice has been taken and some where the poster is clearly unable to "hear" any advice because of various reasons, which are often demonstrated in their responses.

Your replies contradict each other Madgran77 yet I fully understood. Ha.

I disagree Luminance. I've never had a problem giving advice in a respectful and empathetic way or having that advice rejected.

If I had a pound for every time someone's felt it necessary to state the obvious Madgran, I'd be a wealthy woman. How things are said is for me very revealing and probably more revealing than some realise.

Your replies contradict each other Madgran77 yet I fully understood. Ha.
🙂 I don't think they do contradict though. 😏

Basically I think it is always possible to give difficult messages/advice in a way that CAN be heard (ie not distracting away from the key messages through unpleasant/ provocative language etc) ...BUT whether someone is actually able to hear appropriately expressed difficult advice depends on a range of things such as circumstances; personality; mental health etc. or even the nature of a thread where other advice has not been appropriately expressed and they are therefore feeling attacked/goaded etc. (Seen quite a few threads deteriorate from that!)

Personally I have had more experience of people welcoming difficult but honest advice well expressed than rejecting it on GN overall ...but that is over quite a few years now that I have been on GN.

Your last paragraph has been my experience too Madgran.

It is absolutely ok for us to disagree Smileless2012 Was there anything on my comment regarding boundaries that resonated with you or helped you understand what healthy boundaries are? Were you able to think of any examples of where healthy boundaries might overlap rather?

It wasn't me who mentioned overlapping boundaries, re your post @ 7.29 Luminance and yes I know it's OK for us to disagree.

Oh dear, you are correct, I have mistakenly believed I am talking to the same person. I will continue the discussion with Smarter instead. Thank you my dear.