Not fully estranged but gaining depth into what it is

If I may, I don't think there was really much "advice" given.

I don't think Eugenia was able to listen to good advice. Rather a shame for all involved.

After my post I tried to contact her privately and it will not let me.

Eugenia I wonder if your daughter would argue that you favour your grandson, it appears that way to myself. Unless you are with the children 24/7 I would assume you don't know she favours the daughter. Perhaps their times for choosing what to watch are different depending on when a show airs.

She didn’t set a rule for you she did her son. HER SON. You can watch whatever on your bloody tablet. She said he didn’t need to. End of. Perhaps he can wait his turn for the television. Perhaps he’d already watched enough that day. 😝.

I x posted with smarter who has posted a much better version of how I felt reading this escalate.

Eugenia, did you find any of this useful? You seem very angry and very wound up by it all, which isn’t good for you. I think you are going to have to let stuff go if you continue to have a relationship with your grandchildren. Lots of people have complicated relationships within their families, it’s not unusual. Lots of lip biting goes on 😏 try to look after yourself 🪴

I noticed the mom making kids watch each others shows. In that respect, I think the grandmother is correct, in modern times we all have our phones and tablets, watch what we want when we want.

I can't understand what would be wrong with that or why grandma can't provide that option. Seems petty and worse, probably very controlling behavior on the daughter's part.

Reading other threads it seems the daughter lost control of her marriage and is determined to have extreme control of things that do not really matter in how a child is shaped; forcing either child to watch the others show is akin to me telling my brother to play Barbies with me.

I think the grandma over reacts, but at the same time if she is feeling unloved, controlled and hurt by the daughter then overreaction, anger, etc. seem normal. Although not helping.

I am not sure a place like this is a good outlet, though, as people here do not know all the history or see what goes on, how this person has been treated or how this person treats family in everyday life.

I do know about scapegoating, and it can happen when people's frustrations need to target someone, usually the someone who cares maybe too much and it sounds like you Eugenia.

And now it has become so bad, you don't care anymore and that is a sad thing when people treat you so bad that you can feel you don't love them anymore. You most likely still do, to some degree but it is diminished.

You're not the kids parent, she is. You don't have the full picture, she does since she's the one in charge of taking care of him. As someone else has mentioned, your role (as a grandparent) is to support the parents.

You even mentioned a valid reason that was given, that the daughter needs to sit through her brothers shows sometimes. If you provide the son an out at your home, it could create an unfair situation later on back at their home (since the daughter may not be offered the same kind of out as her brother got at your house).

Also, in your very first thread, you showed heavy hints of favoring your grandson over your grandaughter. If strangers on a forum could pick up on it, I'm sure your own daughter has already noticed; and perhaps she wants to nip favoritsm in the bud before it becomes a serious problem.

MyNeighbor

I can't believe I'm have to explain this to a full-grown adult but

Not letting HER son go on your tablet isn't controlling what you do and use in your house.

No matter how stupid her reason is, you are NOT in charge of her children. She is.

If she told you that you can't use your tablet for yourself, than yes, she would be a controlling bully.

Now go back and play nice please.

Again, I was offering for him not to have to sit through another episode of Gabby's Dollhouse. Some of those shows grind on my nerves and I am an adult, so I cannot imagine the effect on an 8 year old boy.

He was annoyed but his feelings were not important to his mom, apparentely. She clearly favors her daughter over him with many things. I felt bad for him, so sue me.

I suppose since it's my house, NOT hers, I could have just cut off the TV altogether. But, I'm not an asshole.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I’m seeing a clear case of ‘reap what you sow’.

Luminance

Please remember that you are supposed to be the parent and not your daughter.

I am about to leave, but had to respond to this. You should tell that to my daughter...she thinks she is the parent I suppose. I know she makes decisions for her kids but she actually bosses me when I do anything, no matter how innocent, in my own damn house.

Like at dinner the last visit: granddaughter watching her show on TV and my grandson wanted to watch something else. I pulled out my tablet and started something for him to watch, but my daughter made me turn it off because it was "catering to him".

My granddaughter had her show, so how? My daughter claimed sometimes the granddaughter has to watch grandson's shows too.

Again, we have tablets so when eating, each can watch whatever. I don't get it, it's not the year 1965, where there was one tv and that was that.

Sheeesh, I know what it is, she saw me do something special for my grandson and she didn't like it.

It's my house, but I'm not allowed to use my things for the kids. I am not the parent in the relationship, my daughter is a bully and she is in charge of what I do and use in my house.

This is lack of respect. I always said I'd rather have love than respect but guess I got neither with her.

Please remember that you are supposed to be the parent and not your daughter.

Allsorts

That's good Smileless but luckily she has started a new one.

Ahhh haaa. And here it is. Glad I did a final check. What luck it is that I posted another thread, huh?? Oh goody goody!! Lets go bash a person in pain somemore!

When I came to this forum awhile back, some of it was kind and insightful, some good ideas and support.

But seems it's been infultrated lately with trolls and old biddies who want to project their pain onto others by trying to look better, smarter, less guilty of estrangement, than they actually are

This isn't a support board anymore, it's a harrassment board and it has no good features like deleting unwanted trolls and old biddies. Yah, I'm old too, but not a biddie.

This is a waste of time. Guess it is that time, to delete my account. Well, I'd say it was fun while it lasted, but it wasn't.

Sorry to disspoint you Allsorts, guess you will have to find your kicks with someone else. I'm gonna stay on until bedtime and then bid the biddies adeu. So long farewell my bitter biddies. May you gossip and harrass for the rest of your days...

That's good Smileless but luckily she has started a new one.

She appears to have moved on from this thread Allsorts, hasn't posted here since yesterday morning.

Really, well she hasnt.

She posted earlier about it being time to move on Allsorts.

I know what my opinion of the way Eugenie words things, let her carry on.

That's good to know fancythat .

I've never claimed to be a counselor BlessedArt, I do wish you'd stop attributing things to me that I haven't claimed or said.

I've never said that our son or our son's wife's parents did or did not believe her to be an abuser. TBH I'm beginning to find your apparent obsession of trying to discredit me rather disturbing.

You know that the so called details you've read about me have not been recounted by you in their entirety, because to do so would cast an entirely different light on what you are trying to portray.

My story has been well documented here on GN over 12 years and I have neither the time nor the inclination to go into all the details again.

Once again BlessedArt I have no interest in what you think of me and whether you believe me nor not. Have you really nothing better to do with your time?

Smileless2012

I suspect that the one long standing poster you're referring too is me Allsorts; apologies if I'm wrong but if I'm not, I haven't commented either way on how Eugenia has addressed others.

It's a shame the way this thread has deteriorated after what was IMO such a good OP, which up to page 5 had produced some thoughtful and interesting responses.

Then we get 'new' posters whose MO is to insult and goad others, in particular the OP and when it appears to be working, it carries on. Posters words are twisted or misrepresented; including my own.

It's not the first time this has happened on the estrangement forum, and even though I wish it was, it wont be the last.

I dont know anything about the first parpagraph.

Last 3 paragraphs. I agree.

Eugenia,

Your posts are bordering on obsessive and unhinged. If you love your daughter and grandchildren, you should focus on getting well and give them space.

Smileless2012

So does being a clinician with a diverse and extensive background dealing with paediatrics and emergency medicine give you in depth knowledge about coercive control BlessedArt?

My knowledge goes way beyond googling and assumptions. I have a BscHons degree in Sociology so am able to research what interests me in an analytical way.

You either haven't read about my situation as much as you claim, or you're misrepresenting what you have read to suit your own agenda but it's not the first time I've experienced this on GN and as I have already told you, whether or not you believe what I say is of no interest to me, so I'm afraid you've wasted your time.

Your degree doesn’t suddenly make you their counselor, Smileless. You are rightfully devastated by the estrangement. I’m sure your educational background has taught you that emotional involvement in a situation prevents objectivity. If any detail posted about what I’ve read from you is incorrect, please feel free to correct it. If your DIL’s parents and your son have told you they believe she is an abuser and you have zero fault in the fall out, forgive my false assumption. I mean that genuinely.