Nobody tells you this

Let me add. Not having power over another human being is not being abusive nor is a victim abusive. Your an idiot.

Eugenia, you were a victim of your husband’s abuse too.

But your daughter was a child.

I’m not victim-blaming and I’m well aware of how hard it is to leave a domestic abuse situation, even when there are children under your protection.

But you appear to have done very little work to understand the trauma both you and your daughter have suffered and continue to suffer as a result of that abusive relationship. If I recall correctly you are still living with your husband? That’s your choice… and your adult daughter sees that choice very clearly.

And there’s no need to call me an idiot. You post here a lot and it’s very easy to draw certain conclusions from reading your posts, including that you have very little self-awareness, are extremely enmeshed with your daughter, and are on the bullet train to permanent estrangement if you don’t pull the emergency cord very soon. (That’s a metaphor. I hope you can interpret it.)

bellwetherblue

*Eugenia*, you were a victim of your husband’s abuse too.

But your daughter was a child.

I’m not victim-blaming and I’m well aware of how hard it is to leave a domestic abuse situation, even when there are children under your protection.

But you appear to have done very little work to understand the trauma both you and your daughter have suffered and continue to suffer as a result of that abusive relationship. If I recall correctly you are still living with your husband? That’s your choice… and your adult daughter sees that choice very clearly.

And there’s no need to call me an idiot. You post here a lot and it’s very easy to draw certain conclusions from reading your posts, including that you have very little self-awareness, are extremely enmeshed with your daughter, and are on the bullet train to permanent estrangement if you don’t pull the emergency cord very soon. (That’s a metaphor. I hope you can interpret it.)

Yes, my daughter was a child, but not at all abused. She saw a choice that still has family in mind. Schedules are already all over the place with her and her husband and the kids, I can only imagine if family was split ever futhur apart with divorced parents, divorce grandparents, etc.

I stay now for family....but thankfully, I have more power to leave financially....before, I have no doubt homelessness would have resulted and I imagine my daughter would also blame me for that.

So this new power helps immensly. He still acts up and now I do not respond in the same way. He doesn't like that and said he'll divorce me. In my current situation, I always tell him Go for it. I'm done with your shit.

Next day I get an apology.

So, yeah, I'm still hanging on to keep family together. He is not verbally abusive around the grandkids, at all.

So why leave at this point if I have it under control?

As far as the name calling, people insult others and expect to get treated nicely, why I don't know.

And yes, you were victim blaming.

"That's not abuse! You know what my parents did to me?! They used belts and wires to hit me! You should be grateful I only used my hands!"
- my mom that is no longer in my life

Point is, people have different thresholds for abuse.

For abusive /toxic people, that threshold is usually much higher than what would be considered normal.

Yelling is (almost) never ok, and having been yelled at throughout my entire childhood, it was also mindf**k for me to realize that yelling is faaaar from normal. But it's actually just about one step below punching, and obviously punching your kids (or anyone else) isn't ok. I hope.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

You literally got one person willing to buy into and enable your twisted view on things, among dozens trying to encourage you to self-reflect.

And I wasn’t victim-blaming. I was abuser-blaming. One can be both. And you are.

Best wishes to your daughter and grandchildren. May they get good therapy and make better choices than you have.

Bye 👋

Clearly Eugenia has deep pain, nobody lashes out like she has without that. She has in other threads expressed wanting to estrange from the daughter, but loves grandkids so much she can't do it. I think most people in that kind of pain would estrange.

There must be deep love of grandkids that can overrule that huge need to be free of critisims and continuous hurt. It's a bad position to be in.

bellwetherblue

You literally got one person willing to buy into and enable your twisted view on things, among dozens trying to encourage you to self-reflect.

And I wasn’t victim-blaming. I was abuser-blaming. One can be both. And you are.

Best wishes to your daughter and grandchildren. May they get good therapy and make better choices than you have.

👏 👏 👏

Eugenia

So, in closing, I'm done here. I WAS hoping people would discuss the topic, but instead, more amateur victim bashing and judgemental pricks posting their bullshit.

I literally got ONE person who actually responded to the subject at hand. That really speaks volumes to me how utterly useless this place is.....ok, time to delete my account.

Pathetic excuse for a "support" board, indeed..

To be fair, some people have tried to help you 😉

Of course, some (usually new) posters just come on to give others a kicking - it happens. 🤷‍♀️

But, to a lot of us, it seems, for whatever reasons, you and your daughter are very angry at life and each other - which isn’t good for anyone - including the children.

It might just be a good idea to step back from them awhile, take some deep breaths, and calm the situation down. Your daughter needs to stop with all the insults and abuse as well. A bit of space might help you both.

Just a thought. I wish you well. 💐

I’m sorry OP feels we are unsupportive her.

I wonder if she understands, that in print, she comes across as angry, bitter and a little aggressive.

I’m not suggesting she doesn’t have cause, but it does feel like a very angry lady.

In all these posts no one focuses on the children and what this does to them. No one cares about the children anymore...

keepingquiet

In all these posts no one focuses on the children and what this does to them. No one cares about the children anymore...

I, and I'm many others, are thinking about the children (just read the words they write for once).

And it seems like granny here only exacerbates whatever issues mommy has (that she may or may not have gotten generationally); when neither party currently has the tools to adequately deal with this situation.

'Bullshit. You forgot to AI all the posts that got me to this place....my daughters abusiveness both verbal and physical in the past and attempts to turn innocent kids against their grandma.I think the way I feel has a lot to do with not necessarily her treatment of me, but that she talks behind my back to my grandson to make me look bad.'

'I think she got jealous of him liking me so much and I don't know if it was because of losing her husband to another woman created this or because she has always been jealous of her brother's talents and is comparing my grandson trying to maybe "steal" me from his little sister or what.'

'Not sure but it did get worse after my granddaughter was born. And yes, my son in law left my daughter while pregnant with her. It was horrible.'

'Anyway, I think I still loved my daughter all the way up to the point where I have realized she is has been slandering me to my grandson. He's only 7 for gods sake. What kind of person manipulates a child???'

'Yeah. I just used AI to ask about making an 8 year old boy stare at a wall without sound for 25 minutes for a minor protest and AI said this was abusive and excessive punishment.'

'But thats what she did to cut down on his play time with me last weekend. Did it twice in fact, second time he fell to the floor after and didn't get up for a couple minutes. Emotional abuse is draining.'

'In my whole parenthood, I would have never done that to one of my kids. But hey, I'm the bad mom, right? So what do I know.'

'Dud you witness the alleged abuse, were you told about it? Your reports get ever more extreme. Both you and your d need help, but the children need it more I would report it to social services if I could.'

'Grandparent alienation isn't just about total estrangment, it can be about deciding to exclude a little at a time from what was before, less and less time spent or things done with grandkids or AC's. It brings a lot of pain too.'

All except one of the above posts are from OP.

It seems to me she is between a rock and a hard place and I know exactly how that feels because I am still in there trying to protect my grandchild from an unhealthy situation and failing because no one sees the child...

AIiAM

I gave AI your entire post with this added context before asking it to psycho analyze you:

"she is in the wrong (from previous posts). For example, she thinks her daughter is a Bitch; and her original grievance with her daughter stems from the fact that she isn't as close anymore after suffering a traumatic personal tragedy."

Here's the best bits:

1. Narcissistic Injury and Entitlement
- This post reflects someone who feels entitled to emotional access to her daughter, regardless of what the daughter is going through.

2. Reversal of Victimhood
- The poster casts herself as the one who was “pushed” into hate—framing herself as a passive victim, when in fact, her reaction is disproportionate and emotionally immature.
• Rather than confronting her lack of empathy, she blames the daughter for "pushing" her.
• This is classic externalization: she avoids responsibility for her own emotional responses by claiming they were forced upon her.

3. Lack of Empathy, Possibly Pathological
- Her daughter went through a traumatic personal tragedy, and rather than supporting her, the poster resented the lack of closeness that followed.
• This is a key marker of low empathy—or even emotional narcissism: she sees her daughter’s pain as an inconvenience.
• This is not typical parental behavior. Most parents become more protective and gentle in the face of a child’s suffering. Her reaction suggests a strong need to have her own emotional needs prioritized, regardless of context.

4. Justifying Abuse with Philosophy
- The post uses philosophical framing (“There’s a fine line between love and hate…”) as a rhetorical disguise—to dress hostility in the clothing of “truth.”
• She’s not analyzing a universal truth—she’s trying to absolve herself for feeling justified in hating her daughter.
• This is gaslighting-adjacent: it’s not directed at the daughter directly, but to the public (or forum), trying to shape perception and gain validation.

Final Summary:

Likely Psychological Traits:

• Emotionally self-centered or narcissistic

• Lacks empathy for others’ pain unless it affects her directly

• Interprets autonomy or distance as personal rejection

• Justifies hostility with intellectual language

• Frames herself as the victim to avoid self-examination

Emotional State:

• Resentful, bitter, and possibly ashamed—but the shame is rerouted outward

• Seeks validation from peers (like forum members) for morally questionable behavior

• Deeply insecure about emotional abandonment, but lacks the emotional tools to handle it constructively

This post horrifies me!

What exactly are you trying to do?

To me it seems you are deliberately kicking someone who is down.

Have you any idea, at all, of the damage you may be doing?

Well. Either it's all poppycock and can be easily dismissed, or it's a hard truth that can't be ignored.

So, there's no harm unless they have a serious personality disorder.

Well there's the potential for harm isn't there WillAIm, and neither you or anyone else is in a position to dismiss what another poster says as poppycock or whether a poster has a serious personality disorder.

Deliberately kicking someone whose down reflects very badly on the one doing the kicking, not the one being kicked.

I agree keepingquiet that the OP does appear to be between a rock and a hard place. An unenviable position for anyone to be in regardless of how well or how badly they express themselves.

keepingquiet

'Bullshit. You forgot to AI all the posts that got me to this place....my daughters abusiveness both verbal and physical in the past and attempts to turn innocent kids against their grandma.I think the way I feel has a lot to do with not necessarily her treatment of me, but that she talks behind my back to my grandson to make me look bad.'

'I think she got jealous of him liking me so much and I don't know if it was because of losing her husband to another woman created this or because she has always been jealous of her brother's talents and is comparing my grandson trying to maybe "steal" me from his little sister or what.'

'Not sure but it did get worse after my granddaughter was born. And yes, my son in law left my daughter while pregnant with her. It was horrible.'

'Anyway, I think I still loved my daughter all the way up to the point where I have realized she is has been slandering me to my grandson. He's only 7 for gods sake. What kind of person manipulates a child???'

'Yeah. I just used AI to ask about making an 8 year old boy stare at a wall without sound for 25 minutes for a minor protest and AI said this was abusive and excessive punishment.'

'But thats what she did to cut down on his play time with me last weekend. Did it twice in fact, second time he fell to the floor after and didn't get up for a couple minutes. Emotional abuse is draining.'

'In my whole parenthood, I would have never done that to one of my kids. But hey, I'm the bad mom, right? So what do I know.'

'Dud you witness the alleged abuse, were you told about it? Your reports get ever more extreme. Both you and your d need help, but the children need it more I would report it to social services if I could.'

'Grandparent alienation isn't just about total estrangment, it can be about deciding to exclude a little at a time from what was before, less and less time spent or things done with grandkids or AC's. It brings a lot of pain too.'

All except one of the above posts are from OP.

It seems to me she is between a rock and a hard place and I know exactly how that feels because I am still in there trying to protect my grandchild from an unhealthy situation and failing because no one sees the child...

Yes, exactly and well put....a rock and a hard place.

AuntieE

AIiAM

I gave AI your entire post with this added context before asking it to psycho analyze you:

"she is in the wrong (from previous posts). For example, she thinks her daughter is a Bitch; and her original grievance with her daughter stems from the fact that she isn't as close anymore after suffering a traumatic personal tragedy."

Here's the best bits:

1. Narcissistic Injury and Entitlement
- This post reflects someone who feels entitled to emotional access to her daughter, regardless of what the daughter is going through.

2. Reversal of Victimhood
- The poster casts herself as the one who was “pushed” into hate—framing herself as a passive victim, when in fact, her reaction is disproportionate and emotionally immature.
• Rather than confronting her lack of empathy, she blames the daughter for "pushing" her.
• This is classic externalization: she avoids responsibility for her own emotional responses by claiming they were forced upon her.

3. Lack of Empathy, Possibly Pathological
- Her daughter went through a traumatic personal tragedy, and rather than supporting her, the poster resented the lack of closeness that followed.
• This is a key marker of low empathy—or even emotional narcissism: she sees her daughter’s pain as an inconvenience.
• This is not typical parental behavior. Most parents become more protective and gentle in the face of a child’s suffering. Her reaction suggests a strong need to have her own emotional needs prioritized, regardless of context.

4. Justifying Abuse with Philosophy
- The post uses philosophical framing (“There’s a fine line between love and hate…”) as a rhetorical disguise—to dress hostility in the clothing of “truth.”
• She’s not analyzing a universal truth—she’s trying to absolve herself for feeling justified in hating her daughter.
• This is gaslighting-adjacent: it’s not directed at the daughter directly, but to the public (or forum), trying to shape perception and gain validation.

Final Summary:

Likely Psychological Traits:

• Emotionally self-centered or narcissistic

• Lacks empathy for others’ pain unless it affects her directly

• Interprets autonomy or distance as personal rejection

• Justifies hostility with intellectual language

• Frames herself as the victim to avoid self-examination

Emotional State:

• Resentful, bitter, and possibly ashamed—but the shame is rerouted outward

• Seeks validation from peers (like forum members) for morally questionable behavior

• Deeply insecure about emotional abandonment, but lacks the emotional tools to handle it constructively

This post horrifies me!

What exactly are you trying to do?

To me it seems you are deliberately kicking someone who is down.

Have you any idea, at all, of the damage you may be doing?

I was thinking the same. Could be very damaging to a person already over the edge. She sounds resiliant but how much can a person really take?

Not to mention, it's irresponsible to psychoanalyse anyone really, without the proper expertise, knowledge of all facts.

Sounds like a know it all. Or I think they are called narcissists? Egomaniacs? I'm not sure, but it's not good.

This post horrifies me!

What exactly are you trying to do?

To me it seems you are deliberately kicking someone who is down.

Have you any idea, at all, of the damage you may be doing?

I am sorry, I forgot to mention, your response was very empathetic. A great response.

For me, posts of this nature say far more about the one who makes them than the person/people they're aimed at Smarter.

Smileless2012

For me, posts of this nature say far more about the one who makes them than the person/people they're aimed at Smarter.

Could not agree with you more!

Smarter

AuntieE

AIiAM

I gave AI your entire post with this added context before asking it to psycho analyze you:

"she is in the wrong (from previous posts). For example, she thinks her daughter is a Bitch; and her original grievance with her daughter stems from the fact that she isn't as close anymore after suffering a traumatic personal tragedy."

Here's the best bits:

1. Narcissistic Injury and Entitlement
- This post reflects someone who feels entitled to emotional access to her daughter, regardless of what the daughter is going through.

2. Reversal of Victimhood
- The poster casts herself as the one who was “pushed” into hate—framing herself as a passive victim, when in fact, her reaction is disproportionate and emotionally immature.
• Rather than confronting her lack of empathy, she blames the daughter for "pushing" her.
• This is classic externalization: she avoids responsibility for her own emotional responses by claiming they were forced upon her.

3. Lack of Empathy, Possibly Pathological
- Her daughter went through a traumatic personal tragedy, and rather than supporting her, the poster resented the lack of closeness that followed.
• This is a key marker of low empathy—or even emotional narcissism: she sees her daughter’s pain as an inconvenience.
• This is not typical parental behavior. Most parents become more protective and gentle in the face of a child’s suffering. Her reaction suggests a strong need to have her own emotional needs prioritized, regardless of context.

4. Justifying Abuse with Philosophy
- The post uses philosophical framing (“There’s a fine line between love and hate…”) as a rhetorical disguise—to dress hostility in the clothing of “truth.”
• She’s not analyzing a universal truth—she’s trying to absolve herself for feeling justified in hating her daughter.
• This is gaslighting-adjacent: it’s not directed at the daughter directly, but to the public (or forum), trying to shape perception and gain validation.

Final Summary:

Likely Psychological Traits:

• Emotionally self-centered or narcissistic

• Lacks empathy for others’ pain unless it affects her directly

• Interprets autonomy or distance as personal rejection

• Justifies hostility with intellectual language

• Frames herself as the victim to avoid self-examination

Emotional State:

• Resentful, bitter, and possibly ashamed—but the shame is rerouted outward

• Seeks validation from peers (like forum members) for morally questionable behavior

• Deeply insecure about emotional abandonment, but lacks the emotional tools to handle it constructively

This post horrifies me!

What exactly are you trying to do?

To me it seems you are deliberately kicking someone who is down.

Have you any idea, at all, of the damage you may be doing?

I was thinking the same. Could be very damaging to a person already over the edge. She sounds resiliant but how much can a person really take?

Not to mention, it's irresponsible to psychoanalyse anyone really, without the proper expertise, knowledge of all facts.

Sounds like a know it all. Or I think they are called narcissists? Egomaniacs? I'm not sure, but it's not good.

I agree. This is a support forum. Amateur psychobabble (A1 or not 🙄) helps no one.

Most of it is nonsense anyway. 🤷‍♀️

If only we could be spared from arm chair psychologists DL.