Reconciliation may have brought some answers, but no closure

Sorry, who has addiction issues on this thread? I don't even drink let alone anything else.

I am afraid this thread has been taken over with people with severe problems, addiction etc. to vent on. We seem a soft target. It is a pity there is not much help for mental health issues but we are just not abusers, we support each other when our adult children want or threaten no contact. We cannot help with your issues, we are not qualified, would you please stop this and get together and support each other. Start a group yourselves on another platform. These PDFs should be taken down as they appear.

Bridie22

As parents the majority do our very best to ensure our children are nutured and loved, that's the best we can do, as adults they chose their paths.
Sadly some leave us for whatever reason, some stay with us,
We have to cope day to day still trying to do our best, if it's not enough sorry .

Exactly. Adult kids make their own choices, as we all did. Not everything is about parenting.🤷‍♀️

Wonder how all the children who didn't end up abusing drugs were able to avoid peer pressure.
Must be random as rain whether peer pressure afflicts your child or not. Don't forget your umbrella.

Personality comes into it as well!!

You can't rule out much with any addiction. Causes can be:

Genetic disposition or body response. Some people's bodies will have a nice feeling response to addictive substances and some won't.

Poor mental health, trauma, childhood Trauma, neglect, abuse, abandonment, addiction exposure growing up. This makes people far more susceptible to addiction to substances either by self medicating mental health issues, or normalised taking of substances.

Social influences, being exposed to peers who generally have experienced one of the first 2 problems. Loneliness, stressed, mental health issues, normalised use.

Lack of support is generally what keeps people in an addictive state if people give up on them and their behaviour or the addict just has no positive outcome to move past what is usually a short phase for many.

Personal responsibility is a thing that is not always visible during active addiction. Most programmes have taking personal responsibility as a part of the recovery because those in active addiction are not always able to see how their behaviour has been distorted. The response of close family here is key to the recovery progress. People saying they will never forgive or trust again is likely to cause a relapse so who is approached for these steps and finding out what led to addiction in the first place is also an important part of recovery.

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McGruff

Starfire57

IamAI

"Iam, your posts miss the point. If you have been used for years and abused by your child, the child a grown woman, who uses drugs and alcohol"

Ok, but how did she get there? People aren't born/don't start as grown women who use drugs and alcohol.

How did she get there? Who was/were the most important influence during her most developmental years before she became a grown woman who uses drugs and alcohol?

^That's my point you happened to miss.^

Omg. You are not actually saying it's her parent's (the OP) fault she is on drug and alcohol now, are you? Have you heard at all about something called "peer pressure"?

You do also know drugs can become addictive real fast, right? Cocaine I think literally takes one or two times. The OP stated her daughter took amphetamines to study for tests....those things are very addictive.

How easy it was, no doubt, taking advice from a friend who says take these and you'll pass all your tests. And whoops, now your'e hooked.

Alcohol becomes necessry to come down after the uppers and sleep. Vicious cycle.

So to completely blame the OP for her, yes, grown daughters decisions to partake in study inhancing drugs, get hooked on them and can't quit, is a pretty large leap of bullshit.

Wonder how all the children who didn't end up abusing drugs were able to avoid peer pressure.

Must be random as rain whether peer pressure afflicts your child or not. Don't forget your umbrella.

It is indeed random. Kids will either accept parental advice to not do drugs, or think their parents are just, as they said in the old days, squares. Not all kids do or believe what parents teach them.

They are separate beings, with different thoughts, desires, beliefs, they learn some things from parents, other things from friends.

Some kids crave acceptance from peers. Others are more independant. It's just random; ever hear people complain they raised their kids the exact same way, but one of them is completely different? Kids do not always follow in parent's footsteps.

A grown woman should not be blaming her mother for her own actions. What ever happened to personal responsibility?

Starfire57

IamAI

"Iam, your posts miss the point. If you have been used for years and abused by your child, the child a grown woman, who uses drugs and alcohol"

Ok, but how did she get there? People aren't born/don't start as grown women who use drugs and alcohol.

How did she get there? Who was/were the most important influence during her most developmental years before she became a grown woman who uses drugs and alcohol?

^That's my point you happened to miss.^

Omg. You are not actually saying it's her parent's (the OP) fault she is on drug and alcohol now, are you? Have you heard at all about something called "peer pressure"?

You do also know drugs can become addictive real fast, right? Cocaine I think literally takes one or two times. The OP stated her daughter took amphetamines to study for tests....those things are very addictive.

How easy it was, no doubt, taking advice from a friend who says take these and you'll pass all your tests. And whoops, now your'e hooked.

Alcohol becomes necessry to come down after the uppers and sleep. Vicious cycle.

So to completely blame the OP for her, yes, grown daughters decisions to partake in study inhancing drugs, get hooked on them and can't quit, is a pretty large leap of bullshit.

Wonder how all the children who didn't end up abusing drugs were able to avoid peer pressure.

Must be random as rain whether peer pressure afflicts your child or not. Don't forget your umbrella.

As parents the majority do our very best to ensure our children are nutured and loved, that's the best we can do, as adults they chose their paths.
Sadly some leave us for whatever reason, some stay with us,
We have to cope day to day still trying to do our best, if it's not enough sorry .

No Starfire, they are all victims, sad and misunderstood, because they didn't get the parents they wanted.

IamAI

"Iam, your posts miss the point. If you have been used for years and abused by your child, the child a grown woman, who uses drugs and alcohol"

Ok, but how did she get there? People aren't born/don't start as grown women who use drugs and alcohol.

How did she get there? Who was/were the most important influence during her most developmental years before she became a grown woman who uses drugs and alcohol?

^That's my point you happened to miss.^

Omg. You are not actually saying it's her parent's (the OP) fault she is on drug and alcohol now, are you? Have you heard at all about something called "peer pressure"?

You do also know drugs can become addictive real fast, right? Cocaine I think literally takes one or two times. The OP stated her daughter took amphetamines to study for tests....those things are very addictive.

How easy it was, no doubt, taking advice from a friend who says take these and you'll pass all your tests. And whoops, now your'e hooked.

Alcohol becomes necessry to come down after the uppers and sleep. Vicious cycle.

So to completely blame the OP for her, yes, grown daughters decisions to partake in study inhancing drugs, get hooked on them and can't quit, is a pretty large leap of bullshit.

You're only casting pearls before swine here.

The comments about therapy are why MH has such a stigma attached to it and why people are reluctant to engage in proper treatment

Therapy is a crucial
Part of healing. Understanding yourself, why you behave in certain ways, how your childhood shaped you is immensely important in that journey and can lead to anger as we realise our childhood was not as we had told ourselves it was to hide our own trauma.
Then healing from that takes a lot of time. Understanding and forgiveness. Also dependant on our support networks and our parents view - are they accepting? Accountable? Or is it easier to deny it all and blame the child?

Can we all say we have been amazing parents? Emotionally safe? Healthy?

Parenting is more than providing a roof and food yet many people of our generation were taught just that - ‘children will
Be seen and not heard’ more so for girls who grew up with patriarchal families.

Portrait

I feel like my relationship with my daughter since she reached out is tenous. All trust is gone with me, but she reached out because she personally and professionally burned bridges. We were receptive, she is our daughter. She made some devestatingly bad decisions that had severe consequences. She appeared to have it all and now must start over. She used people, discarded them and repeated the cycle. Then she did it to the wrong people. I think professionally she may not recover at all. She will be able to work and make a living. But she won't be living in a mansion again anytime soon.

So it's like living with a ghost. I am her mother so even though I don't feel she has any love or warmth towards me or any of her former family and friends that she dumped, I know she's at her lowest so I am supportive. Her father and I worry she will commit suicide as she has alluded to. But she is careful to always say she doesn't have a plan and it was yesterday's thoughts so we don't send in the troops. And she has started therapy. But unfortunately with a therapist who tells her that her entitled behavior is not a bad thing. This entitled behavior is what helped get her in this mess to begin with.

Her father and I agonized over what parenting mistakes we made to cause such a drastic personality change in her mid to late 20's. We were a close family. Lots of fun, lots of laughs, we never abused her. We were her biggest supporters in life. But she dumped us, and most of her friends and family who weren't wealthy and ambitious.

I learned that the prescription stimulants use she dabbled in during college was not a fleeting thing. She never stopped taking them. She did confide in me at that time that she was using them to get through finals and how easy it was to find an online doctor to prescribe them. She does not and never had ADHD. So it was and is prescription drug abuse I believe that changed her. I disapproved of course, but gently. She was an adult at that time and she could talk to me about anything. We were close like that so I was blindsided when she dumped us and created a life with corporate sharks and what we believed to be very selfish people.

She acted so much like my mother and sister who many people call narcissists that I believed it was genetics. I still think that has a part, but I think abusing prescription stimulants which can cause impulsivity and lack of empathy was perhaps the main reason for her personality change. And drinking wine at night to come down from it all to sleep. Now she takes prescription sleeping pills to do this. And still drinks wine as well.

My daughter still takes no accountability for her actions and how they hurt other people. I hope in time she views things differently. She doesn't understand why she could not walk back into everyone's lives after years of absence and not be welcomed back with open arms. Everyone is cordial but they don't trust her and have moved on.

She takes shots at me because whe believes I am the barrier that keeps her old friends and family from inviting her over. I've never said a harsh word about her and these people have come to their own decisions about having a relationship with her.

She told me she was cruel to me, and I think that is the best she can do to address the way she demonized and lied about her childhood. She lost a lot of friends when she started that because they knew the truth and thought she had changed. It's not an apology but at least it shows some self reflection.

I really hoped hitting rock bottom would help her change back into being an empathatic and caring person. But as long as she abuses prescription drugs and alcohol I don't think it will. And I don't think her therapist or anyone in the medical community will address this issue because she has a prescription.

Thanks for listening to my story. I live on the edge of being supportive to a daughter who is not the daughter I know, while worrying about her still. Hubby and I talk about it and we agree to accept that she is not fully with us in heart and spirit, and acts like she is only interested in herself that she still needs support.

I miss the daughter I raised and loved for decades. I don't like the person she has become. But if ever a person needed the love of a mother and father she is the one. So it's hard. But we at least know that if and when she creates a new tribe of like minded people she will dump us again and we are okay with that while still sad about it. Just gotta get her through this part of her life.

No matter how much you love someone, when they hurt and abandon you, there is going to be a lack of trust in that person if they come around.

When children change themselves, whether thru influences of others or drugs, or life traumas, it can feel like they have died to a parent and what's left is an imposter. She is lucky you are even taking her back. At least you are aware, she may be just using you. So sad.
,
I have reconciliation but have lost trust. And a certain level of love. You really can't stop loving your child, but that love becomes muted, I think, as a survival mechanism. You can't be hurt as deeply anymore. Although, it will always hurt, what you have lost. But you can't lose it again, luckily. Mistrust keeps us from diving into the deep end again.

www.bacp.co.uk/about-us/about-bacp/bacp-public-perceptions-survey/

I think those are positive numbers and, it doesn't have the stigma it used to, people are less ashamed about needing mental health support in general.

Ok if thats what you prefer.

That's not why people see therapists in all cases. They need help taking their lives back, putting in place the skills that they don't have due to whatever it was that life dealt them. The only time they really need a therapist to tell them they are a victim is when they are still stuck in the situation and need help out of it, like the wife of a man who uses his fists and convinces her it is her fault. People go to therapy because they have a problem, not to have themselves checked for problems.

What is it you want? To stay in the past and be a victim or move forward, people are suffering now in Countries and being bombed, homes gone, no food. Look at what you have compared to others. No one can wave a want and if you want to pay a Therapist to say yes you are a victim, what good is that. You are in charge of your life, you are a grown up not a child.

Psychiatrists are medical doctors. All diagnostic criteria was written by associations of medical doctors and mental health is just as treatable as physical health.

Yes but doctors and nurses have existed for millenia, whereas therapists are a relatively new practice (and seem to have a proclivity to put false ideas in their clients head, maybe to mold them into what the therapist wants). Not to mention therapists treat intangible things.

A doctor can cure appendicitis, and you can actually see the patients removed appendix as proof.

Not so much for therapists who made up half the crap they talk about anyway (exactly so they can have these long waiting lists).

RedWing

Not to mention that therapists love to look for problems where there aren't any since they need to make money and they seem to love tearing families apart. It makes better clients if they don't have their family talking sense to them.

And that reply made me go and check I didn't imagine what I read. Which is not ok.

No one is holding bad therapists/counsellors up as an example of everyone NiceDream, we're simply saying they exist because unfortunately they do and can do a lot of damage.

There have been cases where doctors or nurses did despicable things but people still need them. There are so many good people out there helping others mental and physical health and people who struggle with either do need them. There are people who are bad at any kind of job but we can't hold them up as an example of everyone or we would never achieve anything.

There have been cases where therapists/counsellors have been found to have implanted false memories into their clients NiceDream.

A false memory is recalling something that never happened ie entirely fabricated, or where the recollection is significantly different to what really occurred. In both cases the person's recollection can be vivid and seem real even though it isn't accurate.

Dangerous Memories is not about qualified therapist, one of those awful life coach people. And they didn't do it for financial gain, they did it in the same way and abuser gaslights a victim. Power and control. Absolutely awful.