Things learnt in therapy.

As the parent in the situation, I was definitely guilty of 2 and 5 before therapy helped me to see it & stop doing it...

That's interesting; no one else thought to ask that.

Is it a list of behaviours you learnt about yourself or other people?

Your experience is how good therapy works Dorrain. The therapists role is to help and encourage you to understand what and why you think and behave as you do, so you can then see if you need to make any changes, not to tell you what you should think and how you should behave.

I'm glad your experience was a positive one.

My positive experience with therapy was based more on my thinking, attitudes and unhealthy behaviour patters rather than others.

We can only change ourselves, and learn to reflect on our understanding of situations, people and ideas.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

NiceDream

Unhealthy behaviour patterns I made as notes, helpful when trying to understand a difficult relationship so thought I would share:

1. Entitlement and expecting and demanding things from you rather than making requests for what they want.

2. Unable to take any feedback from you about their behaviour or how it has impacted you.

3. Obsessed with appearances or what people think of them which can change dependant on company.

4. Makes you feel bad about yourself, like you are a bad person or worthless in some way.

5. Cannot take accountability or apologise and will act like you are in the wrong if you point out they have hurt you.

6. Makes you feel as if you have to walk on eggshells because there are no clear boundaries on what may trigger a negative reaction.

7. Playing the victim and speaking badly of you to other people and even your own family members in order to make you look like the one in the wrong.

Every single one. This is what my daughter does to me. Has done #7 with my grandson, my husband and my son. Made a message group and decided to ban me from it so she could message just my son and husband about me. Tons of misinformation about things I do, when my husband mentions them, comes from her. Literally one sided lies.

I can't confirm #3 because I don't converse with her friends or peers anymore.

Thankyou TwiceasNice. Yes, she's a fully accredited counsellor. I always finish counselling thinking it must be me!
Thanky ou for your offer- I may PM you tomorrow if I get time!

Keeping quiet the terms counsellor and therapist are interchangeable, both professionally qualified people who have done a lot of training in order to genuinely help people .

I’m a counsellor myself, I trained for 4 years but unfortunately people can set themselves up in private practice after the most basic of courses . They would not get a paid job in organisations.

You just haven’t found the right one for you. Please try again . Make sure you check out that they belong to a professional organisation such as BACP or UKCP and they have indemnity insurance and regular clinical supervision. No bona fide person would object to you checking and proving they are authentic.

PM me if you would like to ask me anything I am sad you think so little of my profession

WOW! What a fabulous thread...so helpful and spot on for me.

Thank you JaneJudge

❤️
This is YOUR story
You are allowed to tell it x

JaneJudge

It’s a diagnosis really, rather than a buzz word. It helps people understand their abusers

I agree, I just didn't want to offend anyone after reading people talk about it on other threads here

Avoiding stepping on mines

It’s a diagnosis really, rather than a buzz word. It helps people understand their abusers

I know that people struggle with or don't like the buzz words so didn't want to put any labels on it so just described the behaviours

My therapist didn't use the term either

Thank you Jane . I realised your post wasn't aimed at me and you're right, the list in the OP is what narcissistic people do.

Smileless2012

Maybe someone's wanting to cause trouble between us.

I didn’t see the post but I respect you and wasn’t aiming my post at you if that’s what it was about. It’s just that list is what narcissistic people do. You are always so measured and self reflective

Smileless2012

He sounds lovely DL.

I think the majority of us seek help and find it in different ways and places. Leaving home so young, putting himself through college while working would have been his therapy DL.

The first threads here on GN for estranged parents were where I first sought help and the support thread and the support forum have been my therapy.

Yes, I think it was, although to be fair, in those days, therapy wasn’t a thing. It seemed to drift over from America much later.

So, he made a conscious choice to make a life that was totally different, and he succeeded, which I admire tremendously. Huge inner strength, especially at 16. 👍

My mother was a bit of a nightmare, to say the least, but I was physically well cared for.

We all find a way, hopefully a positive way.

My therapist recommended I reach out to support groups for when I needed them. It helps to talk and have someone listen

He sounds lovely DL.

I think the majority of us seek help and find it in different ways and places. Leaving home so young, putting himself through college while working would have been his therapy DL.

The first threads here on GN for estranged parents were where I first sought help and the support thread and the support forum have been my therapy.

No, me too - they look the same on mine too!
Thanks *DiamondLily, I’ll check…

Smileless2012

If you see a post you think is from me NiceDream do look at the name very carefully.

I'm so sorry

I genuinely did check and couldn't see it. I feel really daft

stillawipp

Smileless2012

If you see a post you think is from me NiceDream do look at the name very carefully.

On my iPad the two look exactly the same, I’m afraid…

Oh, I’m on an iPad - I can see the difference. Perhaps it’s the settings?

NiceDream

I made the decision to go to therapy so I count that as helping myself and knowing what I needed for my journey.

I am sure you are very proud of him, I would be too Diamondlily but I am also proud of those who seek help if they need it, we are all different

Yes, we are, and yes, I am. We all need to find our own way - some need guidance and support through therapy, and some just find their own way.

Nothing wrong with either way.👍

Smileless2012

If you see a post you think is from me NiceDream do look at the name very carefully.

On my iPad the two look exactly the same, I’m afraid…