Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

@Smileless, sounds like lots of hard work last week, am sure the sterling efforts of Mr S with a paint brush saved the day, hope you managed to rest a bit though sounds like you have had a beast of a virus.
Thanks for kind words. ❤️
@Sparkly, love Cally, hope you are managing your health issues well, keep us updated. And you and Bridie22 are right about estrangement being hard at this time of year when family ties are top of the bill and emotions run close to the surface. Would love to hibernate until spring.
Am presently decluttering and packing ready for the move, plenty of time yet but with DH unable to help much is mostly down to me and DDs and SiLs but they work and have small children so is hard going.
They say moving house is one of the most stressful things people can go through, but after the kind of year with we have had I would argue otherwise.
Take care everyone.
🙏🏾🌹

yoginimeisje My daughters and I were estranged for around 12 years.

I wish i had a magic wand to whisk away the hurt from us estranged parents , particularly this time of year.
Whiff im so sorry for your hurt , sending big hugs🤗
So much unnecessary sorrow, take care all x

Whiff that was hard for you and so painful. I understand that temptation to take a look ...but resist if you can; it's not worth the upset it causes you. 💐

Sorry to hear about some of your individual dreadful pain about being estranged, I want to send everyone on this thread a warm healing virtual ((( hug ))).

Smileless when cats do the strange eck eck sound, I’ve heard they are imitating some of the birds sounds, to try and tempt the birds nearer. Doesn’t work through glass thank goodness.

I’m sorry those people did that to your shop, dirty things.

It's good to know that you've sorted things with your GP and troublesome relative Sparkly and that things are underway regarding your long standing health problems. - thank you Smileless for saying that.

Christmas is a dark time for us being estranged. I find I get through it by being kind to myself, eating what I want, watching what I want.

But the pain is always there.

Have a peaceful week, estranged friends….

Ps photo of Cally. She’s usually shy. 3 years 2 months old.

Morning all, just been reading through all of your posts after a busy week last week. We stayed at our flat and begun sorting out our shop.

Our initial relief at the condition it had been left in was short lived as on closer inspection very little if any basic cleaning had been done for 12.5 years. We should have expected it TBH because it was her D who made such a terrible mess of our flat above, that we had to gut it when she left.

Mr. S. has already worked wonders which involves an awful lot of hole filling and copious amounts of white emulsion. I couldn't do as much as I'd intended because having only recently recovered from tonsillitis, Mr. S. caught a cold and passed it on to me .

Oh Whiff that must have been very upsetting, seeing your ES now looking just like your DH used too. Such a shame that he didn't also inherit his kind and loving nature. I hope you're OK today .

Those cakes looked too good to eat. I hope they tasted as good as they looked, I bet they did.

The glass light shades look much better for a wash. You're doing the right thing getting a cleaner. It's frustrating when you can't do things as well and as often as you'd like, so why not pay someone to do them for you.

Warming up properly before singing is essential and was something that used to irritate me about the choir I was a member of; E never warmed us up properly .

You have been busy; 9.5lb's of tomato chutney, how long did that take?

You're right of course Allsorts, we wont ever forget I just wish that we could. It's hard to believe isn't it that the child you nurtured, loved and cared for doesn't care if we live or die .

It's good to know that you've sorted things with your GP and troublesome relative Sparkly and that things are underway regarding your long standing health problems. My cats used to enjoy watching the birds through the windows and would make funny little noises the closer the birds came.

It's the undeniable realisation that hurts so much Babs , when your worse fears are confirmed which is what's happened for you with Mr. B. being so unwell. Nothing could have prepared you for confirmation that your ED doesn't care.

This has clearly had an affect on those family members who'd 'taken her side' now that there's irrefutable evidence of her treatment of her parents who did nothing to deserve it.

November 16th Yogin. The anniversary of your estrangement, now 13 years . Mr. S.'s birthday (he was 72 yesterday ) and the birthday of our youngest GS who we've never met.

So occasionally, very occasionally there is good news; thank you for sharing yours with us here boheminan. Hopefully as time passes you'll be less aware of 'the elephant in the room' but I suspect you'll never be able to ignore it completely.

I wonder if it's possible for a parent whose been estranged to ever put away that fear of being estranged again especially when as it is for you, you still don't know why it happened in the first place.

You're not a wicked witch. If you were, you wouldn't be able to have any kind of relationship with the D's who gave you the greatest pain you have ever felt, that never goes away.

May your relationship with them go from strength to strength; the very best of luck x.

Yoginimeisje

That quote was spot-on [unfortunately for us on here] Allsorts

Babs looking forward to catching up with you over a coffee xx

Looking forward to it too. ❤️

That quote was spot-on [unfortunately for us on here] Allsorts

Babs looking forward to catching up with you over a coffee xx

Whiff best not to look, I don't xxx

Nice to read your post boheminan and good to read you reunited with your 3 daughters. How long were you estranged for? may I ask.

Whiff I am so sorry, dint cry, what a shock, do you think you might be better not watching on Instagram, You have a lovely daughter and grandsons that think the world of you. He is the loser, his father would be ashamed of him. I don't know anything my d is doing, I think she is just like her father...Like Babs, I know she doesn't care, never will, be pleased when I no longe live. That is a very bitter person. Luckily Babs you have other daughters that do love and care but it must be so upsetting when your husband doesn't realise at times shes not there.. Mothers are like a shepherd with his flock, always on the look out for that lost sheep.

Oh Whiff that is so upsetting for you.
Unfortunately your son might look like your dear husband but I doubt very much he has inherited his principles or backbone even in the face of a terrible illness.
Or your qualities that have made you the kind of person who cares so much about others and believes in having a duty to care for ageing members of the family despite any differences.
Sending hugs 🤗

Please bear with me as I have to say this as I just got myself upset. I know my daughter in law has Instagram and every few months and I knows it nuts I find it and can see any pictures she posts before it comes up to see more sign in to Instagram so then I close it . Just looked and there was a photo of her and my son. What's upset me not just seeing my son but he has grown a beard he has black hair like his dad and with his beard he looks like my husband when he was that age . He's lost weight as well which makes he look exactly like his dad was at 38.

It's not the fact that I am missing my son but him looking like his dad making miss my husband all the more . I am in tears writing his dad was only 9 years older than him when he died .

boheminan

It's now 12 years since I posted my first thread on Gransnet. At the time I'd been estranged from my three daughters and felt I was the only wicked mother in the world. Unfortunately there were a couple of very unsupportive responses here and for weeks I didn't venture back. Now I'm glad I did.

Reading this estrangement thread has at times given me the the support just to carry on and over the years the 'girls' and myself have gradually blended back together, but the cause of the bust up is still a mystery to me, it's the elephant in the room and not talked about.

Something deep has since happened between us and though we now keep in touch fairly regularly, I'm very wary of hurting like that ever again, so in my head I hold a little something back from being totally immersed as a mum and still feel a little bit like the wicked witch.

It's still the deepest pain I've ever felt and it never goes away.

Best to let that elephant in the room make a quiet exit from your lives and concentrate on the here and now. When parents say they don’t know what caused such an estrangement others doubt this and think they must be lying to cover up something awful they did. After 12 years we no longer feel the need to justify ourselves, we did our very best as parents who muddled through at times but always put our children first.
You must have done something right for your girls to be back with you, and maybe the reason they are not discussing what caused the bust up is because they are not entirely sure either.
Pain like that never does go away but we accommodate it and move round it to live our lives the best we can.
Holding back a bit is normal, a dog once kicked will automatically recoil from a person’s foot expecting the worst. And nothing wrong with being cautious. But I can assure you that you are not a wicked witch.
Take care
🌹🙏🏾

Am going to find this time of year harder this year. Not just because of DH’s ongoing health problems, but because I do actually know now without any shadow of a doubt that if one of us falls desperately ill our eldest daughter will not give a damn. Before this I assumed as much but now we both know it. And what makes this worse is my DH has so many holes in his memory is like Swiss cheese, he sometimes thinks we are still in contact with her.
Tbh would love to fast forward to January and just get on with the move to our bungalow, but of course our other DDs and GCs deserve a good Christmas after the year we have all had.
Members of the family who took my eldest daughters side are now clamouring to change camps. Too late I’m afraid. The damage is done and I will only put my trust in those who have stayed close to us.
Hope everyone is ok and has weathered storm Claudia.
Xxxx

It's now 12 years since I posted my first thread on Gransnet. At the time I'd been estranged from my three daughters and felt I was the only wicked mother in the world. Unfortunately there were a couple of very unsupportive responses here and for weeks I didn't venture back. Now I'm glad I did.

Reading this estrangement thread has at times given me the the support just to carry on and over the years the 'girls' and myself have gradually blended back together, but the cause of the bust up is still a mystery to me, it's the elephant in the room and not talked about.

Something deep has since happened between us and though we now keep in touch fairly regularly, I'm very wary of hurting like that ever again, so in my head I hold a little something back from being totally immersed as a mum and still feel a little bit like the wicked witch.

It's still the deepest pain I've ever felt and it never goes away.

Sparkly your birds sound nice. I do get a few sparrows, blackbird and robin, not every day though, did get a big flock of starlings the other day, they stayed in the trees, just as well, too many.

Babs hope Mr.B is better now xx

Whiff enjoy all your clubs and activities.

Yogin thank you. The little birds using my fat ball feeder are sparrows, wren, a starling, a couple of blackbirds (when they can get a look in) blue tits and others. They move so fast and form a sort of queue on nearby branches, taking their turn, one by one.

Whiff yes seeing the positive is a gift I think. This year I had some winter interest shrubs and small trees planted, a Rowan Copper Kettle, a witchhazel Jalena, a mahonia and a weigela.

Seeing the consultant for pre op the week after next.

SparklyGrandma you are like me find a positive from a negative. The fall was awful but it means you are getting your operation and seeing the spinal clinic . Hope all your bulbs got planted. I can't put bulbs in my garden front or back as the dam squirrels dig them up and eat them. But have shrubs that change colour in the winter plus some evergreens . I don't feed the birds but have my pond and always make sure it's topped up and if ice forms break and remove it . Had mice in my bungalow when I moved here so I don't want to tempt the horrible things.

Babs sorry Mr B had a fall but good save by your son in law. It's not that we fall the floors jump up and hit us 🤣. I don't like true crime programmes. But did watch the drama Pembrokeshire murders with Luke Evans the Welsh actor based on true story.

Yogin glad you are nearly fully recovered from covid. Hope it hasn't been to nasty. Glad I paid for my jab that way if I do get it shouldn't be as bad . Stupid government changing the rules. At least still got my free flu jab .

Thirteen years is a long time hopefully you will beable to get through it and your daughter's birthday. This year I didn't notice it was 5 years until the day after . But did wish my son happy 38th birthday and his second son's 7th birthday out loud as usual in August and he's eldest 9th birthday last month . And the youngest on the day he was due in July he was 5.

It's my youngest grandsons birthday Sunday next week he's 5 . All of my grandsons are close in age . My daughter texted to ask me there on Saturday as he will have a party with friends at a venue on the Sunday . They are coming to me tomorrow.

I don't buy clothes for my grandsons but give my daughter some money for them at Christmas . They are both tall ,long arms and legs and skinny so getting clothes is a nightmare. Plus even the youngest has strong views on what they wear.

The few cards I post will have 2nd class stamps this year. My brother and sister in law are coming next month before they travel to see his kids so he can take their cards. My eldest niece birthday is 20th .

Sit fit decided again no cards and donations to local food bank, but it also loans out prom dresses and suits plus clothes to wear for job interviews. The schools let them know which families need the help . Local clothes shops give end of line clothes and there are some expensive shops around her. Plus people donated suitable clothes in good condition. It's a worthy cause last year we gave £150 but had new members join since .

Had invite from my move it or lose it class for afternoon tea at local hotel £19.95 which is a bargain but can't go as it's the day my brother and sister in law are coming .

Going out for lunch with a GN friend again end of this month then meeting with another one and we are going to a local hotel for lunch. The funny thing is my GN has been in touch with other GN member for ages and asked if she could mention me so of course said yes. They have never meet before so hopefully we will all get on . Have swapped PMs and she sounds like we will get on.

Already have 5 things booked for next year . 3 concerts ,holiday in May and appointment to see my neurologist.

Last singing and exercise class this week. Member of cuppa and chat group gave me information about a singing group that for those that can sing and those like me tuneless. But to far to travel it's at night and doesn't finish until 8.30.

Better go and label the 9.5lbs tom chutney I made yesterday with my tomatoes. Take care everyone.

Morning all

Sorry to hear about your falls Sparkly you need to improve your balance, do a little yoga every day and it will get better. What little birds do you get? I only get pigeons, but some are very pretty, one is pure white, and I call her 'Snow white', she had babies and they are mostly white with some grey, then there's a 'coffee-o-latte' one. I wait till I see 'Snow white' in the garden before I put some food out. I also wait till the squirrels come up to my patio door and 'ask' for breakfast, otherwise the Magpies get their monkey nuts.

Tomorrow marks 13yrs of estrangement from my D&GC, the following Sunday is her 36yr birthday, will not acknowledge either.

I try to hand out my Xmas cards, then just have a few to post. Bought my GD some lovely Xmas PJ yesterday, but I'll give before Xmas.

Hope everyone is OK, not cold but lots of rain! I've just about recovered from Covid. I agree about the fireworks, poor farm animals and our pets shacking with fear it's bad.

Sparkly am sorry you have had so many health issues. Falls are my biggest worry with my DH, his balance isn’t great and he isn’t good at judging the depth of a kerb or step when he steps down often lurching forwards. He fell most recently when visiting our daughter in Brighton, he tried to sit down but missed the chair and fell sideways, luckily my SiL who was playing on the floor with our GS caught him.
Just love the sound of your cats, bet they are all interesting characters.
Hope you manage to access the true crime programmes.

Thank you Whiff I feel happier. Been referred for an op on my thyroid, to spinal clinic re compressed discs.
Had some bad falls, after a bad one called ambulance and the positive to come out of it is some long standing health things are being sorted out.

Which is good.

Got a woman gardener coming tomorrow to plant bulbs - it’s such a hopeful sight, the green tips then the flowers emerging in Spring, after the darkness of months of winter.

Sunny here and 30+ tiny birds a day are eating my fat balls..

My cats get to watch them through double glazing…he he he.

Allsorts

I haven't bought one Christmas card yet, too many things going on here. Must do something next few weeks. However cutting back on the amount I send, lots I do send haven't heard a word from them for years, it us just I have always done it. Presents just close family. I feel a weight has been lifted.
I signed a petition against the volume of the fireworks being sold. They seem continuous here, no more a few days on Bonfire night, I think whatever religion or reason for letting off fireworks it should be a few days each celebration not weeks. Yesterday in the supermarket there was a kiosk purely for them and the prices were ridiculous.

I agree about fireworks Allsorts, people are still setting them off sporadically here. Is not good with DH because he becomes easily agitated by sudden loud noises, and also goes to bed early so he can’t sleep and have had to get mild sleeping tabs from the GP.
In my day was more about the bonfire, the kids would all collect wood from neighbours and build a big bonfire with a guy on top on the local rec, adults and kids would come to see it lit on November 5th - never any other day - and there would be treacle toffee, parkin cake, and black peas, with jacket pots put in the fire. There would be sparklers and few fireworks but nothing much. Ours was a poor neighbourhood and so I imagine fireworks were seen as too much money out of an already tight budget.
But those bonfire nights are some of my best childhood memories.
I don’t send Xmas cards to many people these days. Used to send lots of them to relatives and friends but sadly many have passed away or have told me not to do so anymore because postage is too expensive and they won’t be sending a card back.
Makes sense.
Hoping everyone is enjoying the milder weather.
🙏🏾❤️

I haven't bought one Christmas card yet, too many things going on here. Must do something next few weeks. However cutting back on the amount I send, lots I do send haven't heard a word from them for years, it us just I have always done it. Presents just close family. I feel a weight has been lifted.
I signed a petition against the volume of the fireworks being sold. They seem continuous here, no more a few days on Bonfire night, I think whatever religion or reason for letting off fireworks it should be a few days each celebration not weeks. Yesterday in the supermarket there was a kiosk purely for them and the prices were ridiculous.

SparklyGrandma you sound happier. I hate the fireworks as much as your lovely cats.

If you haven't watched Riot Women you must all watch it . It's not an easy watch but brilliant actors and music .
Plus it covered some things that have happened to women on GN . I know things that have happened in my family .