Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

Good to hear is some improvement for your husband Babs. Yogin so very sorry to hear all you’ve been going through…heartbreaking I’m sure, but do look after yourself as you never know a time may come when your daughter really will need you. Allsorts, Smileless and Yogin - I’m a reluctant member of your group too. Have not mentioned timelines before as EC would love to identify me on here and I probably mistakenly feel I have to be very careful. Not been on for a while as I find posts from trolls upsetting - thank you to those here who effectively report them and get messages deleted.
Your ramp looks fabulous Whiff - as you say a statement piece of industrial art 😊
Enjoy your bbqs Smiles - seems like your water issues continue but at least they’re now in the shower!!!!

Allsorts, for many months our lives were turned upside down, it was traumatic and terrifying, but now Matt is improving slowly, he will never recover completely and there is the risk of another stroke or bleed on the brain, but he can walk a bit, his speech is good, and his memory is work in progress, the visual impairment should also improve with time though not fully.
I’ll take this. Is certainly better than for some stroke victims we have been in touch with via Headway a support group for people with brain injuries.
Is amazing how we can adapt and get on with a new normal.
Xx

Lovely ramp Whiff and it doesn’t look bad at all, so practical, am glad you got it. And the lab pup sounds adorable.
Smiles am really glad you and Mr S are living the life in your new home, keep on enjoying it, as I always say, now more than ever, life’s too short.
Yogi, of course your son is backing you 100%, as will anyone who knows your story, including myself and others on here, you don’t need to doubt it.
Take care all 🙏🏾❤️

Yogin so glad you didn't take offence at what I wrote . I was worried I would hurt you and that's the last thing I would do to you . I call my ramp industrial chic.

Sorry you got uninvited to your granddaughters birthday and glad you son isn't going. Your son and daughter will give you strength to get through this .

Even if you got to speak to the SS woman you spoke to she wouldn't be able to tell you anything due to data protection act. It's in her hands now and your daughter and family are her think they call them clients now . So can't tell you anything .

Thank you Smiles Yes, I'm sure the police & SS didn't go rushing round to my estD place, probably just a phone call. Wish I could speak to the SS lady to find out for sure. Enjoy your BBQ you lucky thing!

Babs hope things are easier for you and your DH now he is home xx

That's some ramp Whiff

Thank you so much Babs Allsorts and Whiff it does make me feel better to read your kind posts. Feeling bad all week now. Tried phoning the SS lady I spoke to but not picking up, tried once on evening it all kicked off, 4 times yesterday and this morning. My DD told me they phoned my ex and he said what I had said was all rubbish! How would he know when he only visits once every 5yrs. I am surprised at my b.i.l reaction, but then my ex is staying with him, so no doubt lots of drinking and pot smoking!

My son has backed me 100%, which I'm so uplifted about as he is not the sort of person to do that if he doesn't believe your right or he would walk away uninterested. He said what I did was correct and responsible, trying to safeguard my estD, his sister and what his dad & uncle did was the opposite to that.

It's my youngest GD 7th birthday tomorrow, we were all going up to Hyde Park to have Picinic and take a boat out on the Serpentine. I have been uninvited, my son has said he'll not go either then, he hasn't seen his dad since he came over
and doesn't look like he will now.

So many interruptions, DD phoned twice, then upstairs had a skip delivered so I had to move my car. Whole extended family in their garden, sorting it out to put stuff in the skip!

Lost my thread of thinking now Just so worried for my estD, her situation is terrible, now 24/7 with him.

Already told this to Smiles & Allsorts* but years back a very good friend of mine, came to my wedding and all, was in hospital with throat cancer, she went missing and was found hanging in the hospital grounds by her dressing gown cord. I visit her grave, which is opposite where my M&D are, she has 2 headstones; one from her H and one from her M&D, so sad!

Morning everyone.

Sending you love and (((hugs))) Yogin . I've read the responses to your heart breaking post and agree that SS simply wouldn't do what's been claimed and the police certainly wouldn't have accompanied them.

You may remember that a few years ago I contacted SS because I was so worried about my mum. They handled the situation sensitively and carefully due to the fact that my brother was living with her, and it was his influence and the affect he was having in her living conditions, that was my main concern.

Your D's husband's influence would I'm certain have had them adopting the same 'softly softly' approach. Please take care of you Yogin. She knows you love her; she knows you'd do anything to help her and that you are there for her.

Great news about the ramp Whiff' safety for you and a climbing frame and great fun for his scooter for your GS.

Oh yes Allsorts we are thrilled to be here especially at the moment, as with this fabulous weather it's like being on a permanent holiday. The lodge being smaller is so much easier to keep on top of and Mr. S. is really enjoying the garden, something he really missed as we only had a roof terrace.

Two trips to the cinema this week. 'Jurassic Park' on Tuesday and 'Shrouds' last night. Well Jurassic was very good but we have no idea what last night's film was really about!!! Back again on Tuesday to see 'Superman' so not anticipating any problems understanding that one .

Weekly shop today, relaxing on the decking this afternoon with nipping in to keep up to date with the tennis scores and then a BBQ for tea. Going to friends for a BBQ tomorrow evening and we'll have one on Sunday; we just love a BBQ.

Hope Mr. B. is managing OK in this heat Babs. Take care everyone xx

It's brilliant Whiff. Just what you need. I understand how you feel about bring a burden, no one wants that. You are not a burden however to your daughter, you are independant, loving and she wants to be there for you in an emergency, just as you would for her.
Hope Yoga is ok. She needs to know we are all here for her. She, Smileless and myself estranged at the same time.
Babs, thinking of you and wonder how this new way of living has got a little easier with time.
Smileless this is when your choice of living must be at its best. I hope Mr S is keeping the G and T topped up. I sit in the shade and read, I have a Tonic with Lime in it and read my latest book. It's too hot to shop do I make a very quick job of it.

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202507/medium-7jsd5c-img-20250710-153145535-hdr.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202507/medium-8ytc9v-img-20250710-153123852-hdr.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202507/medium-30sbeg-img-20250710-153104558-hdr.jpg

Portrait of course we mentioned things in posts to others about what happened to us as it's a way of trying to help others by sharing experiences and how we cope. So best you scroll past everything I write.

Sparkly I hope the email from your son was kind and not full of blaming you for everything.

Yogin I hope you were able to sleep last night . You can't do anymore than you have it's up to SS to look into matters and hopefully help your daughter and grandchildren .

I hate having to ask my daughter for help and decided long time ago she will never go through what I did looking after others. I have told her if I get dementia or Alzheimer's she is not to see me. She told me she will. But I will not let her go through what I did with my mom . Neither of the children know how my mom really was or how bad it got . I never wanted them to think badly of their nan. But I would still have had mom live with me last 18 months of her life even if I had known what would happen. I couldn't put her into a home .

They don't know about the fact my mother in law denied their dad ever existed or they did. I never wanted them hurt by her . But I couldn't not look after her even though I hated her for 40 years . The children still keep in touch with her and saw her when they visited me . They made sure she always had a mothers day card from them , birthday and Christmas. When she was 90 she had a birthday lunch for family and friends. My daughter and son in law couldn't go due to work but they came down the week before and took us out for a birthday lunch for her to a posh restaurant.

Her brother and sister in law didn't go to her birthday lunch and didn't do anything for her birthday apart from send a card.

The lunch was nice and she was in her element as she was the centre of attention. My son and daughter in law went and my son gave a birthday speech and toast to his nan . I heard a woman ask who he was and the person she asked said I think it's her grandson. Then the other woman said but she has no grandchildren . I soon put them right . I remember thinking how could anyone deny their own son ever existed or they had grandchildren.

The irony of it all she had me down as next of kin and she hated me as much as I hated her. But I protected her from having medical procedures she didn't want done again as she got hurt during one and made me promise not to let them do that again . So I didn't let them do it . She lived until 91 out living my husband by 11 years.

I planned years ago for what I would do if my health got worse and how I will die if I am terminal or start lossing my marbles. We all have free will and it's up to us the way we use it.
Quality of life is far better than quantity. Without quality I have send how having quantity isn't worth having .

On a lighter note had my ramp fitted yesterday. Two lovely men came wasn't expecting them but glad it's done now . The one had brought his 3 month lab puppy. She was lovely and there was shade on my drive for her portable box and she was on a long lead so she could have a walk without getting hurt. She never barked once and was very friendly. I am thrilled with my ramp plus it didn't cost me anything . Took 2.5 hours to do but it's very well build and bolted to the drive . I gave the men a tip as a thank you . And phone the company to say how pleased I was and praised the men. Because of the heat my speech was effected as well as my mobility . I tested it out while they where here . Funny enough they used materials my husband did during his working life . He was a draughtsman but last 7 years worked for himself and then in 2000 he rented a factory unit with business partner and they did steel fabrications,buildings,fire escapes etc. until he died.
No more worry about my left foot falling off the step .

My grandson's will want to use it as a climbing frame and want to scoot down it . It's not pretty but I take practical over pretty any day .

Yogin glad your granddaughter isn't letting her broken arm stop her doing what she wants. Children bounce back better than us adults .

Yogin you did the right thing contacting SS but they wouldn't have acted that quickly nor would they involve the police . I fear you have been played . Sorry to say that as the last thing I would want to do is hurt you further than you are. If a person is going to kill themselves they do it no warning you only have to the bereavement threads of people who have had loved ones kill themselves. My old GP's son did. No warning he had a good job his own home was happy no sign he was going to killing himself . He didn't leave a letter explaining why . It destroyed his parents and sister so much they left the country to live in Spain .

Your daughter and son and other family members must be worried sick about you . As they saw what happened when it all started with your estranged daughter and don't want you to go down that path again .

Yogin of course you should put on here what you are going through. We all care about eachother that's why this thread has been going strong all these years . And you are one of the long standing members of a group none of us though would happen to us.

Please don't let this effect your health . You have done all you can . Please I know it will be hard but protect yourself. You know yourself you can't be pulled down again . It's taken you years to get where you are now .

I know you won't want to be please distance yourself there is nothing you can do . If your daughter contacts you don't believe everything she says. I know I have no right to say that and do not give her any money . She's your daughter and you love her . But don't forget all the hurt she has inflected on you .

I know this sounds harsh but I don't want you badly hurt again . Your son and daughter don't want you hurting again . It will hurt them and those who love you to see. And will be angry with your estranged daughter,ex husband and ex brother in law. Never mind how they feel about her husband. You say she has been diagnosed as agoraphobic who said she was is it a reliable source or more mind games.

Sorry this may come out harsh or unfeeling . But I don't want you to hurt more than you are . And would hate if it's all lies and that your estranged daughter will be blaming it all on you . Social services will look into it but like every department they are over stretched and may only contact your estranged daughter by phone and not go and see her . So they may not see what is really going on. Their priority will be the children and if they fear they are in danger they may take them out of the home .

This is worse case scenario. Like I said I have no right to say any of this but I can't stand by and not say what some are thinking .

I haven't read the replies to you posts just your posts. But couldn't not say something.

Yoga, you did what you were advised to do on the helpline and what most of us would do. You are not in the wrong. There is something not right about its as this, its as if you have been set up. Good riddance to the group you have been banned from as well, how any mother would not be worried and yet they have no sympathy for you, they are not worth bothering. How dare your ex tell you not to be bothered when it came from him in the first place makes me think this is a set up. It all camej from him and his brother. Look at it this way. Either someone has lied about SS turning up as they would not tell the family it was you that reported it and certainly would not involve the police so heavily handed. Alternatively its trouble mongering.
Your d would contact you directly if she wanted to leave her partner, you've told and shown her often enough you love her.
Someone could have worked out whom you are on here.
Look after yourself. Keep away from the lot of them, they just mean trouble.
Stop worrying please, leave them to it. You have been so strong and happy for ages, don't let this put you back.💓

Yogi any mother, especially a mother who feels powerless due to estrangement, would do what you did, what else could you do??
I doubt very much the police would go round mob handed with the the SS, in fact the SS are renown for being very careful and measured in situations like this. Sounds fishy to me, someone trying to make you feel guilty, but you shouldn’t feel bad about this Yogi, stay strong, your estD needs a voice out there even if she is turning a deaf ear.

Thank you Madgran

Allsorts It's all kicked off in the family. My DD asked me to call her asap when I got home yesterday evening. The way she started off the conversation I thought my estD had done something awful, but turned out my ex & b.i.l were/are mad as hell at me for contacting SS, I have been taken off our family 'whatsapp' group.

They were told that the SS rushed round to them with the police because of my conversation with SS. I don't believe this and will contact SS to find out the truth. My sis.i.l seemed to think it was a text message from my estD, but of course it could easily have been her H deeming it from her.

I phoned my b.i.l, twice, he did not answer. I txt to explain I just wanted someone to look out for my estD. I'm very upset today, couldn't sleep again. I don't think the most hard hearted mother could ignore their child in such terrible circumstances.

Sparkly, if he is estranged does the e mail mean a breakthrough ?
Yoga, it's strange they have moved 5 minutes from you? Also how has her father and his brother who obviously know her address and can visit, not done something? They would surely want her away from that man. They have first hand information and yet left it to you. Be careful Yoga, you are so vulnerable, after all this time and all you have been through I am worried for you. I do hope SS resoect your annonominity.

Allsorts my Estranged Dear Son.

Yogin So sorry to hear about your daughter. I am so glad you have spoken to SS and that they listened. Thinking of you; so painful for you 💐

Dear Yogin, so pleased that you contacted SS and that you feel a little bit better for doing so.

It wont be easy for her after years of indoctrination which has only been possible because he and his family worked on her until she eventually estranged the family that truly love her, but knowing that despite everything, you're there for her with the love that's always been there will, I hope and pray, enable her to break free xx

Thank you Smiles Allsorts and Babs

I got a call back from the helpline I had contacted, they advise me to contact SS. I did this earlier and really pleased I did. Told them the whole story from beginning to end. She thanked me for calling, logged everything on their files and said she is going to help, knowing this new info. I said if she/my daughter is not helped I fear the worst. Of course, they knew nothing of all this.

Spent all these years pushing any thoughts of my estD&GC to the back of my mind and now they are right at the front once more. I feel really upset and stressed with all I've just learned about my estD situation.

I still have no contacted details for them, I did send a voicemail to the last number I had for her, 2 ticks, but that doesn't mean she listened to it. I told her to leave him and then her mind would slowly recovery and repeated what I've always said; that we love her and will help her. They have moved about 5mins away, so her nearest park would be mine!

FGS!!! I took both shower heads off yesterday to de scale and the LAST thing I said to Mr. S. as he went for a shower this morning was "don't forget to put the shower head back on".

I knew from the noise of the water coming from his bathroom that he'd forgotten. He then appeared wrapped in a towel, ginning like an eejit (as my gran would say), asking me where the shower head is; it was on the corner of the bath.

A combination of 'man listening' and 'man looking' . Oh well, it gave us both a good laugh .

Yoga, you must be broken hearted. What a vile excuse for a man your sil is. I have never hit anyone in my life, but I could him. . He is a controlling bully. He needs someone to sort him out, someone nastier than him. Does SS know all this. She needs to get away from him. What would happen if you turned up, sat it out tell your d you are going nowhere. Your granddaughter is not safe, how will she be treated by men when older if he is her role model. what is all this doing to her? I would go to a women's refuge and ask them for advice.

Oh dear Yogi, just catching up and saw your news, firstly about your GD and now about your estranged daughter. Am so sorry, this must be pulling you apart.
I do wish that those applauding estrangement as a positive move away from ‘toxic parents’ realised that some estranged ACs are in coercive and even abusive relationships.
Sending love ❤️

Smileless I so relate to worrying about water intrusion. We had some years ago and had the gutters replaced. Even though it's been years I still check after heavy rain. We had very heavy rain last night. The sunflowers in the garden look twice as big as yesterday. They loved the rain.

I'm thinking back to what my daughter said about her recent struggles. She told me that "everyone puts themselves into my story" when discussing how coworkers reacted to decisions she made. I do see that in this forum. Some people project their stories into someone else's post. It's good to scroll past those.

I'm enjoying some vacation days but the dogs still get me up before 6 in the morning. They are rascals.

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer.

Oh Yogin, I saw your post after I'd posted mine. This is terribly distressing news; I'm so sorry dear friend.

Were they able to talk to her without her H around? Do they realise that she's in a coercively controlled abusive relationship?

Your heart must be breaking xx

Morning everyone.

So pleased you enjoyed the concert last Thursday Whiff and you were well taken care of at the venue and by the taxi driver .

Your GD's very plucky Yogin, getting back on a swing so soon after breaking her arm. We forget how fearless we were when we were children don't we.

That is one aspect of estrangement that we don't often talk about Allsorts and is something that we often struggle with as DS is so far away in Aus. We're both active but it's something we worry about as we look ahead which is why we drastically downsized last year and are glad we moved here.

We've made a new network of friends here two in particular, but it's not the same as knowing you have that supportive family network if and when needed .

Torrential rain during a thunderstorm yesterday evening. It was right overhead at one point and I'm not a lover of thunderstorms especially when Mr. S. isn't here; he was playing bowls.

It was the noise of the rain that bothered our dogs, more than the thunder and lightening because it was deafening as it hit the roof of our lodge. Despite our last house finally being dry for the last year we were there, worrying about leaks never left us and had we still been there, I'd have been going around checking that no water was coming in any where. Peace of mind is priceless isn't it and we have that living here.

Some lovely very warm and weather to come this week; a third heat wave!!! We'll have a hosepipe ban for car washing and garden watering starting on Friday; thank goodness we have an outside tap.