Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

Morning everyone.

Oh Debbie I feel for you and can understand the hopeful one minute but then terrified the next situation you're going through. I hope that whoever told you your D's planning to reply to you is a reliable source .

I came across an article on another site from Joshua Coleman's article specifically for EP's about managing anxiety. The final paragraph really resonated with me not only because I think it's absolutely right, but also because I think that this is what this thread has inadvertently succeeded in doing.

"The goal isn't to erase the pain. The goal is to stay steady enough that the pain doesn't drive the car".

I know when I first joined GN because of our estrangement, our gut wrenching pain was driving everything I did, or more truthfully didn't do, and every thought I had. I say what I didn't do because I was barely able to function on the most basic level to get through the day.

It's important that we continue to acknowledge our own pain and one another's when that pain needs to be expressed. Not because this is an echo chamber and not because we're unable to move on with our lives because this thread, and all the ones that came before it show that we're not and that we have.

It's important because that pain never goes away. That's not to say that we experience that pain 24/7 because as time passes we don't but what does happen, is that pain being triggered. Sometimes by the obvious like birthdays and Christmas and sometimes totally out of the blue.

The support that is found here enables us to not allow our lives to be driven by our estrangements and the pain they have caused, and to help others to do so too.

We're going to Tenerife. We usually go to a different canary island each year. I do find having a sunshine holiday to look forward to in the winter really helps get through the winter months.
I am also a big fan of daffodils as they are so bright and cheery and give hope that better weather is on the way! I can't wait to be pottering in my garden - something that gives me peace and calm when my mind is racing or am feeling low.
I have had a flicker of hope re my estrangement. After I wrote my last (and final) letter, I understand that my daughter is planning to reply to me. So I'm hopeful one minute but then terrified the next. More sleepless nights 😮

I love daffodils Madgran and have two small vases of them, just wish they'd last longer.

Having a holiday in May to look forward is lovely Debbie, where are you going?

Ah its good that the reason for no posts is that people are busy and just getting on with their lives.

Sorry fo hear about your arms Whiff though.

Great news re finding a tenant Smileless.

I am really enjoying the daffodils in my garden this year, they are really showing off!! 😂

Yes completely agree. I've struggled to get through these grey rainy days. I think I get SAD syndrome! We usually go on a winter sun holiday but we're not going til May this year. Will definitely do one in Feb/March instead next year.

You're right about the weather Bridie, when it's wet and miserable day after day it does rather get you down doesn't it.

Hi everybody, i think the grey wet dark days have just got us down, ive become lazy and bored, but now enjoying the lighter days and wat hing the daffs bloom, boosts the soul that spring is coming.
Take care all x

Morning everyone; goodness where does the time go!!!

Well we have some good news, a tenant has been found for our small retail unit and is signing the lease on Monday so it's been a busy week, getting things sorted and ploughing through reams of paperwork.

It's a weight off our minds due to the loss of rent and being responsible for the business rates, which as ridiculous as it sounds have cost us more than they'll be for whoever takes over the tenancy .

Hoping that your appointment with the neurologist goes well Whiff. We've been out and about this week and Mr. S. has started sorting out our garden area but it's heavy going as the ground is sodden and with it being clay, is claggy and difficult to work with.

Actually managed to dry some washing on the line this week; roll on spring.

I keep meaning to post but get tied up trying to help on other threads .Plus my HPX group had lots of new members so again answering their questions where I can . On BHF forum for heart conditions. My weeks are so mad another full week ahead of me . Plus my arm movements keep spraining my wrists . Have to wear my wrist supports every day . Which makes typing take longer .

I know they are all excuses but it's how my life has become. I thought as I get older I would have less things to do but find more things that interest me and have more friends to do things with plus on my own .

My daughter laughs the boys and me have better social life than she does.

I haven't forgotten everyone . Seeing my neurologist on 18th so hopefully he will increase my tablets and my arms will be under my control again . Still waiting for speech therapy appointment. But at least this year stopped being awake until midnight and back to my normal bed time. Plus the fatigue is back which I am glad of sounds strange but since January last year not been my usual self and hate it and so annoyed at being dismissed by the stroke neurologist as a migraine. My cardiologist was brilliant as I was in AFib fit 4 days but heart attack ruled out . I know I had a TIA last year luckily most of the treatment was the same for heat attack and TIA.

Sounds like just excuses but it's been my life for a year. Now have a cleaner who is brilliant because I can't do somethings . No matter how much I exercise still haven't got the strength back in my arms .

I do think about you all but need to stop now . Fingers giving out .

Yes I noticed that Allsorts which is so unusual. I was wondering if there was a problem with the thread link but it is clearly ok as you posted so maybe everyone is just very busy?

It has been twelve days since anyone posted on here, apart from me.

Glad you like your dishwasher Yogin, I come on to the forum and catch up with messages but must remember to look at the dates posted.

Morning all

Thanks for sharing Smiles

Sorry you didn't get a reply Debbie but as you say, you are at peace having tried the olive branch once last time.

Whiff well done with your fitness classes and sorry to hear you fell but keep on doing. I lived in Holland for 7yrs and bought my C up there, youngest was born there and my son was only 12mths when we first went over. My C went to Dutch school and were all bilingual, me too, had to as all their friends, being very young, only spoke Dutch.

Had my dishwasher a week now, just getting used to it, thanks for asking Allsorts

Smileless, read through the reasons/excuses of estrangement. I look back now and all the signs were there I chose to ignore as she would shout and flounce if I dared to try to talk about what was wrong. I can condense it down to this, I wasn't of any use anymore her intermittent distancing and then criticisms of my looks, dress sense etc didn't work, so she broke contact. What a fool I was.
Whiff, glad you are alright after keep fit. That's the last place you expect damage. I now how much you have been looking forward to Fishermen's Friends, so enjoy. If I had ever had a wedding vow renewal, which I doubt, it would have been been private. I love old churches and graveyards. It doesn't matter if you are religious or not, to appreciate.
Hope your dishwaher arrives soon Yogin,

Thanks for the info Smileless, i will certainly have a google, to me no.7 was very applicable.
Debbie, hopefully your daughter will mull over your letter, fingers crossed it brings you some peace.
Whiff, pleased your bloods were ok and good to hear you are still enjoying life, take care of yourselg.

Before I forget got told off but someone on the valentine thread on bereavement if I couldn't be supportive then I shouldn't be there. 😂. Tulip something . Told her if she sees my name don't read it. And I will post where I want.

Interesting points Smiles but my son and daughter in law knew exactly what to say and do to hurt me even before the estrangement. But foolish me took no notice as I saw them only every few months plus looking after my parents and mother in law just hadn't got the energy to say what I should have .

Hope you had a good time shopping and nice lunch. Are spring flowers appearing where you live ?

Was at move it or lose it yesterday and tried a move standing up I don't normally do and of course it went wrong and was heading forwards but I always sit by a line of chairs so threw myself sideways so I didn't end up on the floor and said 🦆🦆🦆🦆 which I never say when out . Don't think many heard but did apologise to the class over my language. But they where more concerned incase I hurt myself. I hadn't as decades of falls I am used to it . Won't try that again stick to how I always do it . Had to laugh one of the exercises was tapping our toe alternatively with a foam baton with legs out straight. Missed my foot every time ..Then we had to do it tap our hands again missed every time. It's not rocket science. 🤦

Yogin you would have a good laugh at my antics but I go every week as it does me good and help keeping my mobility. As your name is Dutch have you got Dutch heritage?

Debbie sorry you didn't get a reply to your letter but silence is better than abuse . That's what decided for me enough was enough in 2003 . Thought would sent my son a text only 3rd since the estrangement in 2020 had abuse back so decided I am done . Been happier since .

If I had known how much my health was going to suffer during my pregnancy and afterwards I would never have had him . We always wanted 2 children but if I had my diagnosis of the 2 things I was born with we would have just had our daughter. I don't regret having him because we didn't know what was going to happen to me . But would have saved myself lot of pain and loss of mobility and other things . My husband said pity we didn't have a crystal ball. But then again I did have a kind loving son for 32 years. Now he is a stranger who I don't like . Still love him he is my son but that love is for who he was not who he is now .

I have changed a lot since May 2020 not just healthwise but who I am and what I do . So I am a stranger to him . Have zero tolerance for bad behaviour.

I think not only do we gain wisdom as we get older but we still keep changing and growing in things we do and more willing to try new things well I am and do .

My brother phoned yesterday they where going to renew their marriage vows in September so had booked my room . But decide logistically it's not possible as people they wanted there can't come plus can only have the room at the pub from 3-7 for free then it would cost £300. So decide just to go themselves to Gretna green or somewhere and just do it the 2 of them . Like I said it will be more meaningful just the 2 of them . We never felt the need to do that . So going to spent 5 days with them in July . I always pay extra for Flexi rate which means you can cancel and get full refund up to 1 pm on day of arrival. So cancelled my room and rebooked for July . Because it wasn't over a weekend it was cheaper for the 5 days . Won't get to see my great niece or nephew in person but know I will have plenty of pics once born and as they grow up.

Had my blood test results yesterday via my NHS app . My cholesterol is down from 4.4 last year to 3.5 this and my sodium levels which are normally low are finally in the normal range . Rest of results all in normal range.

Be happy to see my neurologist next month and hopefully he will increase my Clonazepam as the I have sprained both wrists now .Normally it's usually just the left . 🤦.

Craft group today ,cleaner in the morning them pancake ,beetle drive and quiz . Never been to a beetle drive but a young friend of mine said she will teach me . I could Google it but decided to have a surprise. Friday going to see Fishermen's friends only had the ticket a year .

Smiles are you in a choir as I know how much you love singing ? In April going with a friend to the Anglian cathedral for pop goes classical by candlelight. It's a beautiful Cathedral set in lovely grounds. I love old churches and cathedrals. Don't like the Catholic one here or as locals call it Gods wigwam . To modern . It is nice inside but no history or that feel of days when craftsmen had basic tools to make it . I know as an atheist seems weird to love visiting old churches and cathedrals . If anyone goes to Knaresborough go on a Wednesday it's market and visit the cathedral. It's not the biggest I have visited but it's the most beautiful I have seen . Sat in the choir stalls and marveled at the how thin they got the cravings of wood that decorated them . The pulpit is arts and crafts and amazing . I love old grave yards as well.

Hope everyone is keeping warm and dryish . Chilly here again but still got March to come which is usually a bad month . Take care all . 😊

I'm sorry that you didn't get a reply Debbie and hope that if one isn't forthcoming now or in the future, that you will be more at peace.

Of course not hearing from her is not what you want but being able to find peace after being estranged is a 'good outcome' that when you become estranged, you never think you'll be able to achieve .

So true. Thanks for sharing that Smileless. I just wish my estD could read it.
Fyi, I didn't get a reply to my letter. I did say in it that I didn't expect a reply and that I would write again in a few months. I just asked her to think about whether there might be a chance of reconciliation in the future, so I have made the first move and 'left the door open'. This was suggested by a so called expert. At least I didn't get another cruel rejection again, so far anyway!
I also think now, that if this doesn't have a good outcome, I will be more at peace with myself for reaching out one last time.

Morning everyone, hope you are all doing OK.

It's a lovely sunny day here which makes a refreshing change from the awful weather we've been having so, we're going into our local market town for a wander around the shops and some lunch.

I came across an article posted on a closed forum for estranged parents of which I'm a member and thought I would share the bullet points.

The article is entitled '9 Emotional Wounds Adult Children Simply Don't Realise They're Inflicting on Their Parents' and if you google aconsciouserethink.com with the name of the article you can read it in full.

1. Viewing their parents' efforts through a largely negative lens while refusing to acknowledge any positive contributions.

2. Using 'Therapy Speak' to pathologise normal parental behaviour and dismiss the parents feelings.

3. Expecting unconditional support from their parents while offering none in return.

4. Withholding access to GC as a punishment or leverage to get what they want.

5. Dismissing their parents life experiences and perspectives as irrelevant or outdated.

6. Blaming their parents for their current life problems without taking any personal responsibility.

7. Setting extreme boundaries that feel more like punishment than protection.

8. Constantly bringing up past mistakes while refusing to acknowledge growth or change.

9. Comparing parents unfavourably to other families or idealised parenting standards.

Well worth reading the article in full although I for one don't believe that all can be regarded as not intentionally 'wounding'.

Whiff how strange then for someone to object to your name, there are lots of strange usernames, mine is Dutch.

Out for lunch today with a friend, think it will be fish & chips as it Friday; Friday the 13th .

Yogin Murderfan has no hidden meaning . Just a name I made up as I was reading a murder mystery book at the time . I have no idea why Brett got his knickers in a twist as I had been using it for over a year . Others on the BHF forum just said it was because I like murder mystery books . One said he loves a good murder book.

It's like setting up passwords trying to think of something to use.

It's like your name Yogin how did you come up with the whole name.?

I had looked up rude words in Latin if they where going to ban me and change my name to one of them . Evil chuckle 😂😂😂.

Morning all

Waiting for my new dishwasher to arrive, they have given me a time slot of 7am-7pm .

*Allsorts, there are lots of things that are not appropriate to say now; sayings we said when I was a child like flog the dead horse, it's a horrible saying.

Whiff what is the meaning of 'muderfan' [hope I'm not swearing!] must be an up North saying as I've never heard it before.

Allsorts I do preview before I post. Unfortunately it's not Halloween otherwise I could have had fun giving kids a show . Me on my G tech vacuum cleaner.

I was posting a recipe instead of putting preserving pan put perseverance pan 🤣 . Several wags said they could do with one of those. 😂

Mom was 90 when she died but still an innocence. Not long after dad died she was walking from the village with her shopping when one of my brothers friends pulled and offered a lift home. Mom told my brother that his friend got into the back . Once home she invited them in for tea and cake . They stayed with her for quite some time. She told my brother they are always together and beautifully dressed. My brother said they are gay and mom said I know they are always such happy boys . 🤣

Whiff, had to laugh at the thought of you hovering all over your house. Hope your cleaner doesn't come when you are flying about.
So many words have been altered, do you remember when gay was just to be happy, I mentioned aubergine the other day and was shushed, don't want to know.

Nothing Smiles . One of the posters is called Milkfairy which when I was younger was a white homosexual. Which I did point out . The poster was young so wouldn't have known what it referred to. Some of the other posters have names that mean different things now to decades ago .

But just had email from Brett on BHF I can keep my name and carry on posting as they had reviewed things I had written and the responses I had.

I will fight for mine and other people's rights to free speech. Estrangement from my son didn't allow me that right . How my health has been I have decided I have no room in my life for him . He has picked his path hope he lives a long and happy life.

I have mine to follow and be happy which I am .