Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

Before I forget got told off but someone on the valentine thread on bereavement if I couldn't be supportive then I shouldn't be there. 😂. Tulip something . Told her if she sees my name don't read it. And I will post where I want.

Interesting points Smiles but my son and daughter in law knew exactly what to say and do to hurt me even before the estrangement. But foolish me took no notice as I saw them only every few months plus looking after my parents and mother in law just hadn't got the energy to say what I should have .

Hope you had a good time shopping and nice lunch. Are spring flowers appearing where you live ?

Was at move it or lose it yesterday and tried a move standing up I don't normally do and of course it went wrong and was heading forwards but I always sit by a line of chairs so threw myself sideways so I didn't end up on the floor and said 🦆🦆🦆🦆 which I never say when out . Don't think many heard but did apologise to the class over my language. But they where more concerned incase I hurt myself. I hadn't as decades of falls I am used to it . Won't try that again stick to how I always do it . Had to laugh one of the exercises was tapping our toe alternatively with a foam baton with legs out straight. Missed my foot every time ..Then we had to do it tap our hands again missed every time. It's not rocket science. 🤦

Yogin you would have a good laugh at my antics but I go every week as it does me good and help keeping my mobility. As your name is Dutch have you got Dutch heritage?

Debbie sorry you didn't get a reply to your letter but silence is better than abuse . That's what decided for me enough was enough in 2003 . Thought would sent my son a text only 3rd since the estrangement in 2020 had abuse back so decided I am done . Been happier since .

If I had known how much my health was going to suffer during my pregnancy and afterwards I would never have had him . We always wanted 2 children but if I had my diagnosis of the 2 things I was born with we would have just had our daughter. I don't regret having him because we didn't know what was going to happen to me . But would have saved myself lot of pain and loss of mobility and other things . My husband said pity we didn't have a crystal ball. But then again I did have a kind loving son for 32 years. Now he is a stranger who I don't like . Still love him he is my son but that love is for who he was not who he is now .

I have changed a lot since May 2020 not just healthwise but who I am and what I do . So I am a stranger to him . Have zero tolerance for bad behaviour.

I think not only do we gain wisdom as we get older but we still keep changing and growing in things we do and more willing to try new things well I am and do .

My brother phoned yesterday they where going to renew their marriage vows in September so had booked my room . But decide logistically it's not possible as people they wanted there can't come plus can only have the room at the pub from 3-7 for free then it would cost £300. So decide just to go themselves to Gretna green or somewhere and just do it the 2 of them . Like I said it will be more meaningful just the 2 of them . We never felt the need to do that . So going to spent 5 days with them in July . I always pay extra for Flexi rate which means you can cancel and get full refund up to 1 pm on day of arrival. So cancelled my room and rebooked for July . Because it wasn't over a weekend it was cheaper for the 5 days . Won't get to see my great niece or nephew in person but know I will have plenty of pics once born and as they grow up.

Had my blood test results yesterday via my NHS app . My cholesterol is down from 4.4 last year to 3.5 this and my sodium levels which are normally low are finally in the normal range . Rest of results all in normal range.

Be happy to see my neurologist next month and hopefully he will increase my Clonazepam as the I have sprained both wrists now .Normally it's usually just the left . 🤦.

Craft group today ,cleaner in the morning them pancake ,beetle drive and quiz . Never been to a beetle drive but a young friend of mine said she will teach me . I could Google it but decided to have a surprise. Friday going to see Fishermen's friends only had the ticket a year .

Smiles are you in a choir as I know how much you love singing ? In April going with a friend to the Anglian cathedral for pop goes classical by candlelight. It's a beautiful Cathedral set in lovely grounds. I love old churches and cathedrals. Don't like the Catholic one here or as locals call it Gods wigwam . To modern . It is nice inside but no history or that feel of days when craftsmen had basic tools to make it . I know as an atheist seems weird to love visiting old churches and cathedrals . If anyone goes to Knaresborough go on a Wednesday it's market and visit the cathedral. It's not the biggest I have visited but it's the most beautiful I have seen . Sat in the choir stalls and marveled at the how thin they got the cravings of wood that decorated them . The pulpit is arts and crafts and amazing . I love old grave yards as well.

Hope everyone is keeping warm and dryish . Chilly here again but still got March to come which is usually a bad month . Take care all . 😊

I'm sorry that you didn't get a reply Debbie and hope that if one isn't forthcoming now or in the future, that you will be more at peace.

Of course not hearing from her is not what you want but being able to find peace after being estranged is a 'good outcome' that when you become estranged, you never think you'll be able to achieve .

So true. Thanks for sharing that Smileless. I just wish my estD could read it.
Fyi, I didn't get a reply to my letter. I did say in it that I didn't expect a reply and that I would write again in a few months. I just asked her to think about whether there might be a chance of reconciliation in the future, so I have made the first move and 'left the door open'. This was suggested by a so called expert. At least I didn't get another cruel rejection again, so far anyway!
I also think now, that if this doesn't have a good outcome, I will be more at peace with myself for reaching out one last time.

Morning everyone, hope you are all doing OK.

It's a lovely sunny day here which makes a refreshing change from the awful weather we've been having so, we're going into our local market town for a wander around the shops and some lunch.

I came across an article posted on a closed forum for estranged parents of which I'm a member and thought I would share the bullet points.

The article is entitled '9 Emotional Wounds Adult Children Simply Don't Realise They're Inflicting on Their Parents' and if you google aconsciouserethink.com with the name of the article you can read it in full.

1. Viewing their parents' efforts through a largely negative lens while refusing to acknowledge any positive contributions.

2. Using 'Therapy Speak' to pathologise normal parental behaviour and dismiss the parents feelings.

3. Expecting unconditional support from their parents while offering none in return.

4. Withholding access to GC as a punishment or leverage to get what they want.

5. Dismissing their parents life experiences and perspectives as irrelevant or outdated.

6. Blaming their parents for their current life problems without taking any personal responsibility.

7. Setting extreme boundaries that feel more like punishment than protection.

8. Constantly bringing up past mistakes while refusing to acknowledge growth or change.

9. Comparing parents unfavourably to other families or idealised parenting standards.

Well worth reading the article in full although I for one don't believe that all can be regarded as not intentionally 'wounding'.

Whiff how strange then for someone to object to your name, there are lots of strange usernames, mine is Dutch.

Out for lunch today with a friend, think it will be fish & chips as it Friday; Friday the 13th .

Yogin Murderfan has no hidden meaning . Just a name I made up as I was reading a murder mystery book at the time . I have no idea why Brett got his knickers in a twist as I had been using it for over a year . Others on the BHF forum just said it was because I like murder mystery books . One said he loves a good murder book.

It's like setting up passwords trying to think of something to use.

It's like your name Yogin how did you come up with the whole name.?

I had looked up rude words in Latin if they where going to ban me and change my name to one of them . Evil chuckle 😂😂😂.

Morning all

Waiting for my new dishwasher to arrive, they have given me a time slot of 7am-7pm .

*Allsorts, there are lots of things that are not appropriate to say now; sayings we said when I was a child like flog the dead horse, it's a horrible saying.

Whiff what is the meaning of 'muderfan' [hope I'm not swearing!] must be an up North saying as I've never heard it before.

Allsorts I do preview before I post. Unfortunately it's not Halloween otherwise I could have had fun giving kids a show . Me on my G tech vacuum cleaner.

I was posting a recipe instead of putting preserving pan put perseverance pan 🤣 . Several wags said they could do with one of those. 😂

Mom was 90 when she died but still an innocence. Not long after dad died she was walking from the village with her shopping when one of my brothers friends pulled and offered a lift home. Mom told my brother that his friend got into the back . Once home she invited them in for tea and cake . They stayed with her for quite some time. She told my brother they are always together and beautifully dressed. My brother said they are gay and mom said I know they are always such happy boys . 🤣

Whiff, had to laugh at the thought of you hovering all over your house. Hope your cleaner doesn't come when you are flying about.
So many words have been altered, do you remember when gay was just to be happy, I mentioned aubergine the other day and was shushed, don't want to know.

Nothing Smiles . One of the posters is called Milkfairy which when I was younger was a white homosexual. Which I did point out . The poster was young so wouldn't have known what it referred to. Some of the other posters have names that mean different things now to decades ago .

But just had email from Brett on BHF I can keep my name and carry on posting as they had reviewed things I had written and the responses I had.

I will fight for mine and other people's rights to free speech. Estrangement from my son didn't allow me that right . How my health has been I have decided I have no room in my life for him . He has picked his path hope he lives a long and happy life.

I have mine to follow and be happy which I am .

what's wrong with Muderfan Whiff?

Smiles and Yogin your dogs are no fools they just want to get in the dry and warm .

My life is crazy at the moment adding more things to this year. But I am loving everything. Because I didn't want to be in on Friday got the train to go too one of my favourite towns. Lots of little alley's to explore. I must have one of those faces people tell me things . Happened in this lovely old book shop . Had volumes that cost £400 never seen a book that expensive before lots of old books and used. Had old bottles from £5-£40. When we had our first house the cellar was full of them but in 1980 they where just rubbish. How times have changed.

This might make you laugh I have been threatened with being banned on BHF forum for people with heart problems because of my username which I have used for over a year it's Muderfan58. Brett from BHF has sent me 3 emails threatening me if I don't change my name I will be banned. I have posted on the forum about him and had good support. I have pointed out to him what some people are using as their names when I was younger meant something completely different to what they mean now and some of them where offensive. But not now . He must be under 50 . But you know me I don't give up without a fight . Plus had people message me privately for help.

I do hate this touchy feely generation. They need to toughened up. They are so thin skinned makes me wonder how they would cope having to face life threatening situations. Go crying to their mommy and daddies.

My cleaner is wonderful does everything I want and is nice to talk to . I still do the hovering and mopping my floors as they are easy.

Still going to my classes and cuppa and chat. Last week the table was all valentine's day we even had a single red rose which meant at lot to me as it would have been my husband's 69th birthday,3rd was anniversary of our first date in 1975 and Friday 22nd anniversary of his death. But I couldn't cry until Saturday and it was something silly that set me off. But it was such a relief to cry .

Be glad to see my neurologist next month as I keep spraining my wrist especially the left. Hopefully he will up my medication to stop my arms moving . And explain about the 1.5 cm lesion under my scalp . Things have changed since last year which I am not happy about. Also it still smarts how the stroke neurologist dismissed me saying I had a migraine. Bloody idiot. But I am not the 29 year old that let things said about me go . My tolerance for bad behaviour or injustice has gone .

Just having a rant.

It's awful, isn't it Smiles. Joey has never let me put his back legs in his 'onesie', doesn't walk, but last few days managed to get his legs in and get him walking, he's OK with it now and really helps keep him clean.

Had a lovely meal on Saturday to celebrate my birthday, with my DD, GDs & S.

Have a date for Valentines Day......the hygienist! .

Morning everyone, hope you all had a good weekend.

This wet weather is becoming a real pain when it comes to taking our dogs out Yogin. Everywhere is so sodden that we're running out of places to take them and haven't been able to let them off their leads for a good run, for sometime now.

They have their coats but neither of them are particularly enjoying going out at the moment and once our little poodle's 'business' has been done, it never ceases to amaze me how strong he is when pulling for home.

Ah, thanks so much everyone xxx

This blooming rain, go out with my little dog hoping it will stop but it doesn't and we get soaked! Bit reluctant to go out and get soaked again today as it doesn't look like stopping any time soon. Joey has an all covering raincoat, like a 'onesie' but even so.

Happy belated birthday Yogin, you deserve it. Xx

Happy belated birthday wishes Yogin 🎂🥂

Oh 'Happy Birthday' for yesterday Yogin
.

I know you'll love Madam Butterfly but take some tissues.

Happy belated birthday Yogin from me too 🎈

Happy birthday for yesterday Yogin . 🎂🥂🥳🎁🎈. Madame Butterfly will be amazing . It's lovely to have your birthday extended than just on the day .

Well, I had a lovely birthday yesterday, lunch with friends.
In the evening, I opened a good bottle of Champagne that a friend bought me for my birthday last year and drank it from a beautiful hand-painted glass, again bought for me for my special birthday last year, ate some chocolates too . I binged watched Clive Myers South African trip, enjoyed it so much, having lived there for 6yrs, bought back lovely memories.

My DD bought me theatre tickets for Madam Butterfly, which I'm really looking forward to seeing. We are all going out on Saturday to celebrate my birthday, then I have 2 more to celebrate with friends that are away this week. So, lots of nice things to look forward to .

Smiles xxx

Whiff very good point, haven't heard of estrangement with gay couples.

Spring spot on with your last post.

I've not come across and EP whose EAC is gay Whiff but that's not to say it's never the case. Some of the random thoughts we have are strange, aren't they .

If they want to reconcile they know where we are yes they do Spring and yet as you say, the onus does often seem to be on the parents who have been estranged to reach out, with often little or no thought to the cost to their mental health if they try and fail.

I get so weary of it all sometimes we all do Spring and for me that was a significant factor when I decided that reconciliation was something I could no longer hope and pray for and dream of.

Allsorts is right, there does come a time to give them what they want and you cannot change which begs the question why sometimes EP's are criticised and their love for their EAC is questioned, if they've taken the decision not to reach out or to never reach out again.

Yet again 'doomed if you do and doomed if you don't' springs to mind.

and xxx for you all.

Some good points made here - I agree Smileless that the EC’s mental health is talked of when going NC, but the mental health of parents is often overlooked or ignored. For some after what they have gone through with their AC, estrangement offers the chance to heal. Also, has occurred to me the onus is usually on the parents to reach out. Yet we weren’t the ones who walked away. And our AC are not children but adults. If they want to reconcile they know where we are.
I get so weary of it all sometimes. Maybe this is the next stage of estrangement for me…..to now just focus on the life we have. I’m tired of imagining it all might one day be resolved when the high probability is that it won’t. Tough to write but true. As you say Allsorts, there comes a ‘time to give them what they want and you cannot change’.

Smiles well said. Had a strange thought have there been any estranged parents of gay children both male and female . Or is it just heterosexual children that estrange their parents? 🤔🤔🤔🤔