Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

As some of you ladies seem familiar with the middle of England, can you offer any suggestions about where would be a good place to stay over on our next trip 'up north' to see friends later this year? As we live in southern England, we need to break up our journey there and back. Thanks.

Morning all.

It's not been a good week for me as I woke up on Tuesday with a stomach bug which only significantly eased yesterday afternoon!!!

Your brother and s.i.l. must have been thrilled to see their GS 'in the flesh' for the first time on Wednesday. I hope that your s.i.l. is called 'GM' or the equivalent because she'll be one to that little boy. We all know don't we that blood isn't thicker than water, and it isn't the blood that runs through your veins that matters, it's the person that counts.

Having just seen the weather forecast is another in a long list of the benefits of moving here. It was always a lot cooler and often chilly where we were as we were right on the coast. When we go back for the dogs to be groomed, even in the summer the difference in temperature is discernible.

Shopping day today and lunch out with a quick visit to our flat which we do every week to keep an eye on it and collect any mail. I do feel guilty that we hardly use it as Mr. S. put in so much work making it look fab but we'd just rather be here, which without having a permanent address off site, we couldn't have done.

There are some who use an AC's or parents address as their 'permanent' one but that's not something we'd have ever done, even if we could.

We lived in a better area of the black country near to the country side. Dudley was our local council . They where a rubbish council. Healthcare was hit and miss. Don't miss anything about the black country. Especially being snowed in every winter for a week or more .
Unfortunately Dudley and Cradley heath may have been nice areas when your ancestors lived there but not when I did . Dudley and many areas in the black country where run down because of the bad councillors not caring about making life better for people . They ruined what used to be a good market in Dudley with stupid rules and fitted stalls so generations of stalls holders left and all the good fruit and veg sellers.

Life and people here are so much better . No abuse shouted at me only kindness .

My nephew and nieces live there and when my brother visits he only stays for the day he can't wait to get home .

Whiff, my ancestors lived in the black country for generations, around Dudley, Cradley Heath. We have a family bible with old information. My husband was not from there but briefly worked in Smethwick but was transferred to the South East, he had relatives in Guernsey.
I never had the black country accent but had relatives with it.

It's not Birmingham I just don't want to go there . No bad memories. But it's not the Birmingham office my young years
I lived in the black country until I moved when I was 61 in 2019. My brother's black country accent was lot stronger than mine . But I don't sound so black country anymore . But still call people ,love ,darling or sweetie. At least I don't say 'ah bin ya'.

Mom was born in Smethwick and still have relatives that live in Smethwick and Oldbury. But I was brought up in the black country . Dad was born in Guernsey.

But I love it here in the north west people are so different to black country folk . Plus my life is so . different. I existed after my husband died I had no life . I was on duty 24/7 looking after my parents and mother in law. I lost me after my husband died . Our home was just a house .

Moving here I found me again joined things I never thought I would . Love my life to the full like my husband wanted me to . My son estranging me hasn't stopped me being happy and loving my life . In fact I joined a contemporary choir tonight. Turns out I am an Alto .

I have a whole never life here I got forwards not back wards .

Whiff, when younger lived on the edge of the black country, with relatives who were true black country people. I have not heard anyone talk with the accent for years and l would love to hear it again. I'm sorry Birmingham doesn't have happy memories for you. How long ago did you live in the west Midlands?

Smiles when Mr W died even though we knew from the start he wouldn't live 5 years. I didn't know how I could face the next 30 years without him . Having the children home for 2 years while helped in some ways but in others I would have preferred to be alone . I went to bereavement group once a week while they lived with me .I didn't want to go and only did it for them . The people where nice but no help at all . I was 45 the nearest to my age was a 68 year-old man and they never had children. The woman where all in late 70-80's . And the woman leader was married and did a 12 week course . Luckily the children only asked me if I had a good time and never if it helped . As I don't lie I would have told them no . Only person who helped me was me and the promises I kept to Mr W and still do .

Some on the bereavement threads where widowed in their 30's and some had children die through illness , accident or by their own hand . How they cope I never know and would never presume to know how they feel as I don't know that grief .

I was always prepared to die first and knew the children would have to stop their dad drinking . I am glad my dad died before mom because my brother and me knew he would have been dead within 6 months without her he would have pined away . My best friends mom died beginning of the year and her dad died months later she said he gave up .

Because Mr W was determined to live life as normal only the 4 of us knew he was dieing everyday . As in his words he didn't want to be treated as a dead man walking. We treated eachother the same as ever even when he was terminal . Which meant we still argued and acted the same as always kids where the same . I don't know and never asked how they coped as it was private. And Mr W and I decided how the children would be brought up before they where born and that was how I was. The day our daughter came home from school she 8 and didn't tell us in detail about her day we knew she had grown up. After that her bedroom was her private place and it was up to her to keep it tidy and clean once a week and I only changed the bed and put clean clothes on her bed for her to put away. Once our son was 8 he was treated the same .

The past is gone but it does change us . I live for the now and future. My life goes forwards never backwards. That's why when I decide where to go on holiday I will never go anywhere where I have to change trains in Birmingham. I will never go back to the black country or anywhere in the west midlands. That existence has gone . It's not bad memories that I don't want to go back but I am happy here that was my past it's gone . I am even losing my black country accent and my brother who had a very thick black country accent is toning it down .

My brother and sister in law are going to see their grandson tomorrow. I say they are nannie and grandad but my daughter says because my sister in law is stepmom she can't be nannie . Because she is blood I have came to realise since I started going out with Mr W blood doesn't count . It's love and caring that make a family. My brother's children love my sister in law very much and she has always treated them better than their own mom .

We make our own families. Can't remember the old saying about blood being stronger. As we on here know it doesn't mean a thing when your own children turn on you .

Who we choose to be in our lives I have found is important to me . Yes I am lucky to have my daughter and family but I am not dependant on them I have made my own life . A life I will not give up . I lived 61 years putting others first . Now nearly 68 I live for myself and put myself first . Funny enough when I moved here both my children say about time.

Some may thing that is selfish but I have been a carer since I was 11. Having jaundice and finding out I should have died made me determined to live my life to the full moving gave me back my life and gave me a home again . I found me again plus finding out the 2 things I was born with changed my world.

Smiles you and Mr S did the right thing moving I know you dread if he dies first as no doubt he does you . But you are in a home you chose not like your old house which I know you loved but it was to escape seeing your son and grandson.

All those that have moved it's wasn't easy but from what you write it was the right thing to do for you . Babs and Mr B estranged daughter doesn't know nor will know they have moved and knows nothing about her dads health . Like my son knows nothing about my health nor will he ever know when I die as there is no need for him to know.

Smiles glad Mr S did well in his golf tournament. And glad you have friend from church over for a meal and enjoy eachothers company .

Allsorts reading that diary must have been upsetting but put things into perspective. But that has past . Live for the now and future. I know what you are going through at the moment but that's between us. We found moms diaries after she died going back 20 years . All she put in them was birthdays and anniversary and what the weather was like that day. They went into the recycling.

Babs and Mr B have some hurdles to overcome with his health but life will be easier for them in their bungalow.

A ramble so you can see I am back to me again 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

Take care everyone . 💝

Smilesless I think it was exceptional how you cleared up 90% and moved in 9 weeks. I cannot imagine living with just 10% of what I have but a lot of it is unused. Its the paperwork that causes me problems, getting rid of a lifetime of diaries, which I tried to reread but found it upsetting, then there were mountains of birthday, anniversary and thank you cards, all shredded now, apart for one small suitcase of them. Glad I have done ut.. Next legal and finance paperwork.

I found an old diary from 12 years ago, I had wrote of my puzzlement and hurt at the way my d was treating me and how she wouldn't tell me why. I am so glad that I finally saw the light and need never go back to that. Glad I found it and it's now shredded.

Morning all, lovely sunny day but bit chilly.

Smiles you and your DH certainly made a good move; you sound very happy there and I do envy you both. Smiles you really must push that negative thought out of your head, when it appears quickly push it out the other side, don't allowed it room in your mind, it's unhealthy to think of it. We do all do it, I do too at times, but you and Mr.S maybe have another 30yrs to go together, you don't want to spoil that with the 'what ifs' that make you feel sad. .

Good morning everyone, hope you all had a good weekend.

We had a lovely lady whose become a good friend from Church over for dinner yesterday. We've done it a few times now, and she enjoys coming as much as we enjoy having her here.

Mr. S. came third in the golf tournament on Saturday . He did well as because he didn't have 3 score cards to hand in, they gave him a handicap of 5 and there was only a two shots difference between him and the winner.

It's rather depressing to see the remains of that once beautiful tree at Sycamore Gap isn't it Debbie. We've found a fabulous Air B&B which we go to every summer and on our second visit, we'd planned to visit the tree. The day we were due to go, we had the local news on which was reporting that awful act of vandalism, so we never did get to see it .

Hope you enjoyed your dinner with DD and the GC Yogin.

Babs says thank you to you all and sends her love .

Morning everyone.

I love Devon too Yogin and have fond memories of camping holidays in Doone Valley with my dad. It's perfectly understandable that the news of your ex has saddened you and as you say, that could explain why he's been going on about your divorce.

It will be lovely to spend some time with Babs and Mr. B. Whiff. They've had such a difficult and upsetting time so it's great that they're now settled into their new home.

With only one another to rely on, we're so pleased that we made the decision to move here when we did. Even now just 20 months later, I think we'd have struggled to make the move if we hadn't done so already.

I always watch Stacy Solomon's 'Sort your life out' and marvel at how we managed to get rid of what must have been 90% of everything we owned and moved in, in just 9 weeks!!!

Is it really 3 years next week that you lost your DH DL? It's not surprising that his death suddenly hits you like a sledge hammer. The thought of losing Mr. S. terrifies me and although I try not to think about it, sometimes I can't help but worry what I'd do and it's the same for him, worrying about him being essentially alone.

As you say Allsorts we have to let the bad stuff go. It has undoubtedly changed us but doesn't have to define us. I was recently reminded of a quote that I once posted on this support thread, that the strength of someone isn't measured by how much they can take before they break, but how much they can achieve when they've been broken. Can't remember who said it though but it can be seen in everyone who posts here.

It's a lovely morning here which is great as Mr. S. and our neighbour L are taking part in a golf tournament here on the site's course. He's really looking forward to it, but a little less enthusiastic about cleaning the outside windows this afternoon .

Enjoy your day dear friends xx

Oh, good news about Babs, thanks for passing on the news Whiff and enjoy your visit in August. Your DH died young at 47yrs so must have hit you hard

Thanks very much for the holiday recommendations Whiff & DL I do fancy going to Wales & Anglesey, Norfolk is a favourite with my DD, also I like Devon, Dorset & Weymouth.

Lovely sunny day today, so off for nice walkies soon, then have DD&GDs for dinner.

Have a nice day everyone xx

Yogin, not sure what part of the country you live in but my husband and I have taken to doing road trips around the UK going to parts we’ve never been before.
Last year, we started in Wales, where my sister lives. We then traveled through Snowdonia, stopping at Portmerion on the way to the Lake District, which was lovely but very busy!. Have you been to Portmerion, or heard of it? It’s so pretty, (Would have liked to go further to Anglesey but maybe next time).
Then we went to visit friends in Newcastle. We stopped off at a couple of places on the way back south - Whitby and then an Elizabethan National Trust house - to break up the return journey..
We loved everywhere we went. I would particularly recommend the North East. The coast is beautiful, your little dogs would love those massive sandy beaches. There are castles, one particularly lovely one is Bamburgh Castle on the beach. We walked from Housesteads (roman fort) to Sycamore Gap and saw the remains of the tree - a very sad sight! There is Lindisfarne too. As for entertainment, Newcastle itself offers a lot. We did a bat hunt in the city and an evening in a lovely concert venue in a park where an excellent Fleetwood Mac tribute band were playing. There is a lot going on there. Our friends live in an area called Jesmond, which is a very nice part to stay in as it has a lovely vibe with many independent restaurants and cafes, plus a lovely park with a zoo.
If you like traveling on public transport, there is a very cheap metro which takes you to the city centre, the coast, the main train station and also the airport, all only a couple of stops from each other..

Good news for Mr/Mrs Babs whiff, i do wonder sometimes how they are coping, takemy good wishes with you and im sure you will enjoy your break.

Hope you will all be as thrilled as me. Mr and Mrs Babs have moved to their bungalow. It will make life easier for them living on one level.

Their daughters and partners have helped. Guess who is going down there in August . Room already booked in Premier inn. Never been to that part of the world so it's going to be an adventure. I don't expect to see them everyday as I am independent. Plus now my voice is back I could talk the hind legs off a donkey.

I asked Babs if I could pass on the good news.

DiamondLily Mr W died 22 years in February he would have been 69. But he is frozen in time at 47. Even after all this time bone crushing grief can hit me out of the blue and am sobbing mess for a while but I never fight the tears and feel better afterwards. Grief doesn't get easier as the years go by you just cope with it . Since moving here I live my life to the full. I no longer just exist. Mr W was a wiseman and knew what I needed to live without and that was a series of promises have kept everyone. But couldn't keep the most important one until I moved here and that's to live the best life I can . Mind you he would have great joy in telling everyone he was married to a mutant, he would miss out the fact I have a mutant gene in my brain receptors. But that was him all over. I used to think our son was so much like him that was before the estrangement. But my son and daughter in law have turned out like my in laws the difference is I don't hate them .

My husband loved his parents no idea why as they where vile he didn't like them but he could never abandon them . That's why I looked after his mom for 11 years after he died and I hated that woman for 40 years.

All the things I do and places I go aren't anything or anywhere I went with my husband those memories are precious. And haven't done anything of the things we planned to do together . That was our dream .

My best friend is doing all the things they had planned to do together but I couldn't do that it wouldn't be the same . Everyone copes in there own way.

Yogin I am making up for lost time re hols . I didn't have one for 19 years. These are places I have been Berwick upon Tweed meet up with a GN friend . Just thought we would meet for a cuppa but they took me to Holy island across the causeway that was thrilling we when to the ruins but the monastery was to far for me to walk and my friend had bad legs especially her knees. When we went on a hour boat trip round the Farne isles dogs where allowed on board. Beautiful area .

York was brilliant especially with hop on hop off bus that stopped at 20 places of interest . But it many be to crowded for Joey.

Llandudno was wonderful.. Because I don't drive with my English disabled pass got £2 off a day ticket . Mind you Llandudno beach isn't pebbles more like boulders.🤣. Lovely countryside to explore and saw my aunt and uncle who live not far away. So they took me places a couple of days and went to their bungalow they have a mountain behind them . They came to the hotel to eat with me .

Harrogate lovely and plenty of places to go near by . I had taxis to places there. Knaresborough is a must on a Wednesday as a fabulous market plus the cathedral not the biggest I have been in but the most beautiful. Went to other places via taxi.

Next month Lancaster ,July to see my brother and sister in law they live 30 mins in a village from Lincoln . That's another beautiful area. I stay in a Travel lodge couple of villages from them but have all my meals with them
August as I said going to Mr and Mrs Babs area .

September Dundee. I always stay in Premier Inn when going to places for hols as they have accessible rooms for walking and wheelchair disabled. Travelodge rooms are just as big as Premier Inn just shower room smaller.

My daughter and family go air b&b abroad and in this country . Lot of hotels and air b&b are dog friendly. And the places I have been lot of pubs and some restaurants dog friendly.

It's just the matter of where you ,your friend and Joey would like to go .

I travel by train with travel assistance which is brilliant as I don't have to worry about my luggage or getting on the wrong train . And if things like missing a connected because my train was late or cancelled . They help me find a different way to go . As my HPX makes life changeling if this go wrong . But can't fault the kindness I have been given. Plus my odd requests when it comes to food and needing it cut up for me .

Thank you all re my ex. Yes, DL I was surprised how sad I felt when I went to bed that night. He is having a consultation today to find out what happens next. My DD & I now think maybe this is why he has been ranting on about our divorce 30yrs ago! It may have gone to his brain. My DD's friend went the same just before the end .

3years DL unbelievable .

Been so busy this morning, just seemed to have lots to do before breakfast, just washing to go on the line before walkies.

You like your holidays Whiff. My friend said why don't we go, but she would like to go abroad, whereas I've had enough of that and would like to holiday here and take Joey with me. Anyone have any ideas for me, to tempt my friend to stay in UK? Need entertainment & somewhere that accomadates little doggies. I've always had a little caravan holiday with my DD&GDs but now my DD is working it's not happening.

Have a nice sunny day all.

We have no alternative but to let the bad stuff go. Everyone has some tragedy in their lives. Do think Estrangement a living grief for a very long time but our children are alive and living life as they want. I never thought I would be happy again after my dh died but I am in a completely different way although I have my moments.

Yoginimeisje

Celieanne Stay here with us for some comfort, advise and friendship xx

Bad news on my ex, he has been diagnosed with ear cannel cancer, later found cancer had spread to his spine! DD has unblocked him.

Sorry to hear about your ex x

However much we may despise/dislike our ex’s, I think there’s always a memory there of the beginning, a life starting out together, and then them being the father to the children we have.

Not sure how I’d feel if it was ex. 🤷‍♀️. Some things never fade.

It’s been 3 years, next week, since DH died. I’ve shoved life on and it’s moved down paths I never expected to be walking down.

But, his death and his going from me, still hits me like a sledgehammer at times. I don’t expect that will ever stop.

But, we have to just bat on, regardless of what’s happened, and enjoy life again.

Best wishes 🌺

Smiles sorry about your friend . My mom had breast cancer the first time when she was 73 had mastectomy and lymph nodes remove was on Termoxifen for 5 years . As it was a grade 1 . When she was 86 got it again this time grade 3 . We didn't think they would operate but the consultant said as she was fit they would . Mom had a 50/50 chance of living 5 years but like mon said at her age she had 50/50 chance of living 5 years anyway. She wouldn't have chemo as she saw what my husband went through but had 15 doses of radiotherapy which she sailed through . I moved in for 3 months to look after her only went home once a week . We both had open wounds I fell out my back down slammed my leg just above the left ankle bone and had an ulcerated left leg for 5 months but I made sure neither of us got an infection.

I decided after my husband died if I ever had breast cancer they would have to take both breasts and lymph nodes as with my HPX I couldn't go through it twice and but not got much boobage anyway . That reminds me it's squashed boobs year at least the machines are smaller than my first one . But the radiographer will have to have a fight to get my nipples in place as I have no pigment so my whole boobs are the same colour and the can never find my nipples first time🤣🤣🤣. Oh the joys of being a woman.

Unfortunately chemo can still be brutal it just depends which one they use and for how long. It's important your friend only uses Simple products and if she had radiotherapy to use Aegious cream not spelt correctly. You can get a big tub from Boots for under £5 . As it's important to keep your skin moisturised once healed and it helps with radiotherapy. Mom only had a pair pink rash like a mild sunburn .

My S sound like he is enjoying his gardening . Need to get my tomatoes and french bean plants .

Went to the Phil last night to see the Scottish Phil play Mendelssohn it was brilliant saw a a friend there and she gave me a lift home .

Take care folks .

Celieanne, I just wanted to say how sorry you have been so ill and how your son reacted when told. Despite his shameful behaviour you still love him, the person he was, I would feel the same and I think that's how my d would be but I have made my son promise never to tell her. Try if you can, to push him right to the back of your mind and enjoy those that do care as you cannot change anything, you need to make the most of each day.
Debbie, sorry your d refused a chance to reunite but at least you did everything, it’s on her. You enjoy your fly and flop break.
Yoga, bad news about your ex. Treatment that good now perhaps he will be cured.
I hear nothing from my ex. Just as I want. It was so long ago I don't really remember life with him before I remarried the love of my life.

Thankyou Whiff. X

Afternoon everyone.

You're such a busy bee Whiff and good on you, it's so important to make the most of what we have and this has become even more important to me having received some very upsetting news yesterday.

A very dear friend of ours who was our vicar before she retired where we used to live, is having a mastectomy in a few weeks following a cancer diagnosis

She's so strong and positive which is a testament to her faith that I have nothing but admiration for how she's approaching this.

Mr. S. has been busy gardening and it's looking lovely. We bought a few more plants yesterday and he's just put them in the boarders around our patio and decking.

He's just loving being able to garden again since we moved here and I'm just loving enjoying all his hard work .

Debbie glad to see you back..It's hard to give up hope of reconciliation..Took me 3 years to give up . But even if we had reconciled I would never forgive or forget what my son and daughter in law wrote . And they wouldn't have liked what I had to say. So we would have been estranged again but on my terms .

To much has happened in the last nearly 6 years . I am not the same mom I was I have no tolerance for bad behaviour. Plus my health issues have changed me for 14 months. Thankfully I am back to my usual self but the loss of strength in my arms will never come back . But have accepted that. Just found new ways to do what I want.

To be honest permanent estranged suits me . My life is full and I am happy doing all the things I want . My daughter always sends a text to see if I am free for them to come over. As she says she loses track of all the things I do and where I am .

I have to laugh at myself at times the things I do and not frightened to try new things . Next week I am going to a community choir to see if I am good enough to join. I love singing and I think that has helped get my speech back . If they don't think I am good I won't be offended . I don't get offended over things . I know myself very well and my limits .

I am going away 4 times this year each for 5 days. Going out for the day on my birthday via train to Arnside no idea what it's like but it's an adventure. And will have a nice lunch somewhere.

I am doing what my husband wanted and living my life to the full. I look to the present and future. Past is gone. I grieve for my husband but not my son . He has chosen his path and I am walking mine . They will never cross.
May sound harsh but our relationship can never be repaired . He gave me no change to defend myself . So I am happy with the silence . But if my grandsons do track me down when they are older then I will tell them exactly what they parents have done before and after the estrangement. Plus I have hard evidence of what my son wrote .

Have a wonderful holiday and a good rest . Both of you come back stronger and happier . 🤸