Saved daughter's house repossession; now being ghosted

I really feel for you it must be an awful situation and so unkind to you as you have done all you can to help.
Sadly unless she wants to seek help there is little you can do. As you said like many she is influenced by all this social media nonsense.
I can see that you need to ensure the well being of your granddaughter but sadly this gives your daughter a weapon to attack you with.
Your son in law needs to have a rocket too its alright being laid back but he sounds irresponsible and too lax. these things concern him as well so he needs to step up and take control. sadly it does not sound as if he would.
I would say step back let her learn from her mistakes but I get the grandchild bit that would be like me.
I send you love and hugs xx

Your daughter’s husband has obviously given up on her unable to cope with her behavior. I can’t advise what you should do, all I can say is what I would do. Uncontrolled spending is going to see the house repossessed eventually then daughter will be bankrupt without credit availability in social housing.

I would not use my good money to pay off her bad debts, the worst that’s going to happen is social housing. I would help her in any practical way I could but she is heavily influenced by a social media group that has an isolation lifestyle. Maintain whatever contact you can with grandchild and hope the next generation turns out better.

As you’re not allowed to the house now has she got a live in boyfriend?

David the daughter is married. However, it sounds to me that neither of them seem responsible and my concern is for that child with inadequate parents...

I fear it is an all too common scenario and one I have almost fallen for myself.

I feel OP has to say good-bye to that hard earned money but I hope that contact with the GC is not broken.

What another sad story about how lives are affected by toxic social media!

Direct debit from a joint account, same for utilities and council tax.
Families can have a few difficult months when they struggle, but 12 months of your daughter defaulting on her mortgage is not the same situation at all.
Blaming the sil for being laid back removes accountabiity from your daughter’s profligate spending, be it online shopping, a new speedboat, sending money to Nigeria, it doesn’t matter, it has gone.
While she had you as a fiscal safety net why would she change.
That you didn’t have a formal agreement for repayments allows BOTH of them to shrug and carry on. Neither of thm from your description sound particularly responsible or adult.

I’ve heard this scenario many times over many years, parents
rushing in to bail out adult children; no parent/s believe they are being taken advantage of or should hold back, allow adults to indeed be adult, let the cards fall where they will.

Tough love is necessary here OP and courage.
Your post sounds counfounded and upset at the prospect
of being ghosted, best advice in this circumstance is to withdraw, hard but best protects you and your feelings.

If your daughter holds your grandchild hostage you will hopefully recognise manipulation, shifting your perspective
at last.
I cannot see this happening if you are providing love and care for your only grandchild.

what @poppysmum and @keepingquiet said

Hello Babylon. I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation as realistically there's nothing you can do.

It's good that you are still seeing your GC and I totally understand your reluctance to pursue repayment of this money in case contact is stopped altogether. If it is in your D's mind to see this as an option to avoid repaying what is owed, it could well be something that could happen in the future over something else, especially if she's easily influenced by social media.

Regardless of what you decide to do about the money owed, I strongly recommend that you step back and help her in ways that do not involve supporting her financially.

keepingquiet

David the daughter is married. However, it sounds to me that neither of them seem responsible and my concern is for that child with inadequate parents...

I fear it is an all too common scenario and one I have almost fallen for myself.

I feel OP has to say good-bye to that hard earned money but I hope that contact with the GC is not broken.

What another sad story about how lives are affected by toxic social media!

Because the husband knows nothing about the mortgage default I rather thought he wasn’t living at home, unusual he knows nothing.

Babylon perhaps David is correct - this would explain
the meeting in a carpark, keeping you away from the house,
his indifference to mortgage payments,
not telling your daughter you had emailed him directly
about her medical requirements as you saw them,
her spending thousand you aresure her husband knows nothing about
He doesn’t sound at all like a husband, more like a lazy boyfiend, or the
brutal name the ladies of Mumsnet apply.
A husband would be more financially invested, as
he would be entitled to half the proceeds of the sale of
the house,
whereas a boyfriend, whatever, will up and move on.

how old is your grandchild? talking yet?

First of all, stop handing over any more money and feeding your daughters addiction to spending. You have to think of your future, and your needs. Some of the traits your daughter is showing looks to be possibly bi-polar, or, depression. She certainly needs to be assessed, but don't push her into it or she could throw up even more barriers. Your main concern now is your granddaughter, and being there for her. Let her feel that in all the chaos that will surely befall your daughter, your granddaughter will know she has a safe and happy zone at your home. If your daughter wishes to meet in car parks agree to it, keep your meetings friendly and without question or pressure. As for your SIL, Im sorry to say this relationship could be heading for the rocks if your daughter continues. It sounds like SIL is accepting it, but who knows what is said behind close doors. As I say take care of yourself now, and be their for your granddaughter.

I am sorry Babylon, but your daughter has the upper hand as the mother of your grandchild, and as the object of your affection. Unless she is declared unfit she will continue to call the shots.

I think your best strategy is to try to emotionally disengage from her and support the wee girl as best you may.

Emotionally disengaging :
I mean try not to think about your daughter by diverting your thoughts elsewhere. You are still the grandmother and that counts for a lot.

It sounds like your daughter has some unhealthy coping mechanisms with spending. Perhaps there is more than PTSD going on and other mental health conditions are taking over. I would absolutely drop any involvement in he finances. You cannot force repayment from her unless you take legal measures and you have evidence of an agreement.

Instead focus on listening if she she brings up her finances but don't offer any kind of further financial support or advice, she is not in the right frame of mind. I understand this is your hard earned savings but I think you need to put this aside for now and focus on your relationship first.

As well as staying away from her finances I think you should with old from contacting her husband about them or her mental health. He is not open to discussing this with you and showing no signs of being interested.

Take your relationship with your daughter back to basics. Keep things positive and light hearted. Spend time together as you usually would. Given the struggles she is showing in your OP, any type of adversity will simply force her deeper. So just be a mum and daughter. Enjoy time together. Bring the relationship back to health and I would hope over time she will recover and your money will come back to you.

I would say something has happened at home.
Oh dear.
Sad situation.
The husband has moved out; she has moved out; someone has moved in and she doesn't want you to know, or she is spending money on a renovation.

Babylon. I am afraid you might find you have to face the fact that you will not get your money back. However much you're tempted or asked, do not bail them out as they neither of them seem bothered how big a deal it was. I only lent money twice, to friends and trying to get it back finished our friendship. Its more difficult with your own daughter, plus her husband appears to be a waste of. space. Just listen but don't give advice or offer money.

Thank you everyone for your supportive and sensible comments. Having always been a very independent person who thrives on solving problems and trying to find solutions, I would so love to be able to sort this out and help my family.
But sadly, some people are beyond help and your comments have helped me to see that I must let this go and let them sink or swim and just be there for my dear grandchild.

One way of trying to help your daughter is by letting go Babylon so that she has to face up to the consequences of her behaviour.

It's only natural to want to assist her in the way you have and it's upsetting and frustrating to see that nothing has changed. Tough love isn't just tough on the one on the receiving end, but tough on the one giving it .

Good advice here. I've learned one thing, from reading about such stories, is that money between family and friends is not a thing to toy with.

Do not give if you cannot afford, or even if you can but have plans or needs yourself. If you do want to help, consider the money gone. A gift. Because it will get in the way of relationships.

Personally, I was able to help my brother with a fairly simple short term marriage, gone sour and he wanted a divorce; he just simply didn't have the money for it and got stuck in a terrible situation where she wouldn't move out.

It wasn't going to break me, if so, I would not have offered. He said he would pay me back and I said no, it's to help you and I don't want it back.

I knew because of the way he is with money (not vigilant) that he would have a hard time paying it back and might resent me over it, so I just let go of that money.

If it was a long process/long marriage/custoday issue type divorce I wouldn't have offered the kind of money that would require.

We love to help our loved ones but we need to protect our futures as well. And money can really divide people, so give if you can and kiss the money goodbye...... or don't give it at all.

I don't disagree Starfire but if there's an agreement that money lent is to be repaid then it should be.

Stop and think. A daughter has defaulted in mortgage payments. It is known that there is a problem with spending. Going into lending money in those circumstances thinking it will come back and on time is not very realistic. It is bad enough that daughter put her home at risk.

First step, rebuild relationship.
Second step, support daughters recovery.
Third step, discuss an affordable repayment plan.

Smileless2012

I don't disagree Starfire but if there's an agreement that money lent is to be repaid then it should be.

Oh, I do not disagree with that at all. The problem is......well, what should be done isn't always what ends up being done.

And then, the conflict begins. It could lead to estrangement too, although it seems these days almost anything does, but it's something to think about....would it be worth it. Most likely unless you go to court, which costs even more money, it's hard to get it back even if you put it above saving the relationship.

I just feel it's best not to become a family member's bank.

InRainbows

Stop and think. A daughter has defaulted in mortgage payments. It is known that there is a problem with spending. Going into lending money in those circumstances thinking it will come back and on time is not very realistic. It is bad enough that daughter put her home at risk.

First step, rebuild relationship.
Second step, support daughters recovery.
Third step, discuss an affordable repayment plan.

Actually, that's a good plan. Because the relationship should come first, and besides, if one dumps the relationship, then for sure only going to court will get the money back; but court costs a lot of money too. So what's the point.

What's done is done, most likely should not offer to be a loan company to a family member to start with.

InRainbows

Stop and think. A daughter has defaulted in mortgage payments. It is known that there is a problem with spending. Going into lending money in those circumstances thinking it will come back and on time is not very realistic. It is bad enough that daughter put her home at risk.

First step, rebuild relationship.
Second step, support daughters recovery.
Third step, discuss an affordable repayment plan.

This is good advice. Worry about the repayment later. For now I would try to have an open and honest conversation with her, one in which you will be mostly listening. If she makes accusations or complaints against you, do your best not to get defensive. That's very hard, I know. It's sad that we have to tiptoe around our AC, ut if she goes NC you might not get the opportunity to find out what's going on in her mind.

Does not appear paying the money back is on their radar. It's gone and they don't seem bothered or take responsibility. I never would have asked my parents for money, In fact I have never borrowed except from theo library.

Allsorts

Does not appear paying the money back is on their radar. It's gone and they don't seem bothered or take responsibility. I never would have asked my parents for money, In fact I have never borrowed except from theo library.

Same here Allsorts, I was brought up by working class parents who would never even buy on HP, they instilled in us the need to only ever spend the money you have, never borrow from others. And we had to pay something towards board and bills when we still lived at home and started earning, there was no ‘bank of mum and dad’.