Need Advice re our son who is 54 .

I feel for you. Some excellent suggestions on here, please look after yourselves first you need each other.

Hi OP, and I’m so sorry that you are in this situation with your son. I used to run a food bank, and we had contacts with many local support agencies to access help for clients if required. It was also our policy not to go into a client’s house - this is a standard safeguarding policy. If you can find out which food bank delivers to him, could you maybe have a word with them and express your concerns, and see whether they could tactfully suggest any support for him, or anyone to check on him? Obviously they won’t be able to get anyone else involved without his direct permission, but maybe someone could just say that they noticed he was struggling a bit and would he like them to contact X/Y/Z agency to get him some help? Again, they won’t be able to report back to you because of confidentiality, but at least you would know that someone was keeping an eye on him.
Obviously, if you have serious concerns for his wellbeing/ personal safety, you can ask the police to do a welfare check on him.

I will share that I have been in this situation with a very abusive but very ill Ex:

Regular contact with his MH people (it doesnt sound like your son is in the MH system, but the Doc will know):

And in the end he just denied he was ill, there is only hurt for you past this point pushing further.

Can't not can make them drink

Caleo

ChatGPT says:-

Checking on the welfare of an adult son who isn’t communicating (UK):

If you believe he may be in immediate danger

Call 999 and ask for a welfare check by the police.

If you’re unsure whether it’s an emergency, call 999 anyway and explain the situation — the operator will decide.

If it’s non-urgent but you’re still worried

Call 101 (the police non-emergency number) and explain your concerns. They can still arrange a welfare check.

Contact his local Adult Social Services safeguarding team. Every council has one — you can report concerns about an adult at risk, especially if they are socially disabled or vulnerable.

Other support routes

If he has a GP or mental health/social care team, you can share your concerns with them.

Charities such as Mind, Rethink Mental Illness, or Carers UK can advise on what steps to take.

If he receives disability benefits (like PIP), the DWP may have links to local support networks.

For ongoing communication

Some people find texts, short notes, or online messages easier than phone calls.

If he has a support worker or neighbour, they may be a point of contact.

Do you want me to also add the direct links and phone numbers for Adult Social Services (if you tell me which local council area he’s in), so you can paste those in too?

Absolutely top advice. Its shouting, "mental health" issue on a number of fronts here.

I'd do two things.

1. Ring MIND for advice.

2. I would write to his GP, detailing your concerns, even tho you are not NoK you are close family

From your helpful long description I'd say he is showing aspects of self harm, this is a red flag:

if he has spoken of it in anyway at all (as in "life's not worth it", "whats the point of it all") then pass it on:

since he is on some kind of MH drugs there is clearly a basis for re-examining what drug interventions he is on and whether they are up to the job.

Problem is the GP cant generally comment on the letter as in "patient privacy", but since in the records you were listened to before, similar is likely.

I did intervene with an elderly friend twice who had expressed suicidal feelings and did get feedback from the GP because she knew me.

And what she said eventually is worth passing on: you can only take the horse to the water, you can make them drink.

ie, the only way eventually to reassure yourselves "we did all we can", but as others have said, its time to meet your own needs

All the very best.

Visgir1

Best of luck, how difficult for you to handle, especially as he cut you out of his life years before.
Regardless, he's still your "little boy" but also a man with troubles.

Think the GNers here have given you sensible answers.
Best wishes to you and your DH, hope your boy turns himself around.

I agree. What a sad situation and sounds as if you’re caring parents in despair about your son and his way of life.
There is a limit to what you can do.

Lovely support that really matters and helps - ty all so much.
My other 2 have cut all ties to him and will have nothing to do with him because of his past behaviour, so we just leave them out of it now.
Re the foodbank, I'm not sure which one he gets as hemhas one or two different ones, plus they just leave carrier bags on the front doorstep they dont go in or meet him.Not sure if this is their policy or just how he prefers it.

Best of luck, how difficult for you to handle, especially as he cut you out of his life years before.
Regardless, he's still your "little boy" but also a man with troubles.

Think the GNers here have given you sensible answers.
Best wishes to you and your DH, hope your boy turns himself around.

MaryemBop
I understand how worried you must be about your son. I was wondering if the food bank is still delivering to him and, if so, whether you could give them your contact details and ask them to let you know if they see anything that concerns them.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It is far more common than people realise. You both sound like very caring parents but now you have to put your own needs first.

You don't mention other siblings or wider family members so I'm presuming they are not around either.

It is a horrible situation to be in, but there are others watching our for him so I feel you can only take comfort in that.

I am sending you undertstanding and support as I know how horrible it is, and I really hope that things turn our better for you all soon.

GREAT HELP - thanks ladies! I had thought of putting a note through the doors of the two neighbours he does talk to = but didn't know how to say it. you have given me the words, thank you xxx
This is the only thing I can think of to do, as we don't want to go up there at all. It was horrendous before - I know this is embarrassing and personal but he had moths infesting his livingroom carpet and also in the kitchen cupboards. I cleaned that up as best i could, but that was last summer and we haven't been back since. I really don't want to know what's going on in there!
If the landlord ever checks the place then he will be out on his ear very fast and a cleaning bill with him. Landlord is very nice - a friend of Janet's family and he was kind enough to let son stay on when she passed, and at a good rent below the market price in that area which is seaside and upmarket.
Ok now to work on this, many thanks again. It took me so long to write this in a public-ish forum but people are always good, I do find that

ChatGPT says:-

Checking on the welfare of an adult son who isn’t communicating (UK):

If you believe he may be in immediate danger

Call 999 and ask for a welfare check by the police.

If you’re unsure whether it’s an emergency, call 999 anyway and explain the situation — the operator will decide.

If it’s non-urgent but you’re still worried

Call 101 (the police non-emergency number) and explain your concerns. They can still arrange a welfare check.

Contact his local Adult Social Services safeguarding team. Every council has one — you can report concerns about an adult at risk, especially if they are socially disabled or vulnerable.

Other support routes

If he has a GP or mental health/social care team, you can share your concerns with them.

Charities such as Mind, Rethink Mental Illness, or Carers UK can advise on what steps to take.

If he receives disability benefits (like PIP), the DWP may have links to local support networks.

For ongoing communication

Some people find texts, short notes, or online messages easier than phone calls.

If he has a support worker or neighbour, they may be a point of contact.

Do you want me to also add the direct links and phone numbers for Adult Social Services (if you tell me which local council area he’s in), so you can paste those in too?

Write a letter sending your contact details to the neighbours, his GP, and the local police station. WTE

I am Mary Smith the mother of Bob Smith, DOB, lives at Bobs address. . Bob is a vulnerable person.

My concern is that if an emergency arises nobody will know who are his next of kin or how to reach us. For that reason I enclose my contact details and ask you to keep them on file just in case.

And also Aveline similarly.

I agree that you can't maintain a relationship with someone who doesn't want it.

Babs has offered three good bits of advice.

I think that your son is depressed, am not sure what meds he is on but he sounds like he needs help with regard to his mental state. But also as important is your own well-being and the wellbeing of your DH.
You cannot keep racing up and down to look after your son, especially seeing as he is displaying challenging behaviour.
You say neighbours don’t know where you are, are they the kind of people you can leave your phone number with and ask if they can knock on your son’s door every so often to check he is ok?
Also google local groups in your son’s area dealing with mental health, and ask for advice.
But above and beyond this look after yourselves. 🙏🏾❤️

What can you realistically do if he's not OK? I know that sounds hard but it's impossible to help someone who just doesn't want to be helped. Sounds like you've got him on a list at the GP practice which is good. Could you just write to his nearest neighbour and ask to be kept in the picture if he's obviously unwell? Sorry. I'm not being very helpful. I do sympathise with your difficult situation.