What would you do ?

The situation probably has a lot to do with money. The father is presumably helping DD financially with promises of more in the will. Perhaps he has told DD things about the divorce and she has now chosen to take his side. Perhaps his funding is conditional upon her going no contact with you, a terrible thing to do. I doubt if there is anything you can do to change the situation but in your position I would consider cutting DD out of your will and instead making the GCs beneficiaries.

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Battle you are a very strong woman who knew you need to put yourself first. Took me 3 years to give up hope of seeing or hearing from my son after he estranged me via email in 2020 and follow up letter. Last time I saw my grandsons they where 4&2 and don't even know the name of their brother . They are now 9,7&5

My son as much as I still love him is a stranger to me but I am no longer the mom he knew . For all he and my daughter in law put me through. It's nothing compared to my husband dieing in 2004..

I live my life to the full and if he did want to contact me which he won't he wouldn't have and easy time . As I have long lost any tolerance for his behaviour and he won't be welcomed with open arms .

I have a loving and caring daughter ,son in law and 2 grandsons. Who I see regularly. She laughs the boys and me have a busier social life than she does.

Adult children and adult grandchildren think they can treat parents and grandparents anyway they like and not face any consequences. They are fools. Didn't put up with bad behaviour from my son when he was a child and definitely haven't since the estrangement.

Battle, you are a strong person. I do hope you are happy.

grandtanteJE65

Put the money you would us on presents for the boys into two separate bank accounts in their names with the proviso that the boys cannot withdraw any of the m oney until they are of age.

By doing so, you are indicating to your grandsons when they are old enough to understand that you love them and continued to think of them and that the estrangement was not something you wanted.

Apart from this, make no attempt to contact your daughter or her family. She has shown all too clearly that she prefers her father's money to you.

The only proviso I'd make to this is that your grandsons are the only people allowed withdraw the money. Talking to your bank's estate officer for multi-level ID proof access could be considered over-kill but still ensures your GCs are protected.

I have been in a not dissimilar situation and after much heartache and soul searching I stepped away.
No contact with either my DD or DS for years now.
I just refused to be played like some sort of game.
There are grandchildren involved. I don't know them or even their names, birthdays etc.
I now value my peace and I value myself.
I will never step back into the turmoil of the past.

Just send the cards.

Kamj

What do you other children say on this matter?

Your*

What do you other children say on this matter?

give up, my mum had to do the same, it hurt her so much at the time but she had to get on with her own life.

I would continue to send presents and cards to the children only.
My theory has always been they will need me before I need them.

Sounds to me like your ex has said something about the divorce, perhaps blaming you for the break up. Also, he may be insisting on no contact

I sent cards to my d, sil, my gd D would not tell me why she estranged me and all family. I sent my gd money or gift cards. Paid money into a bank account so she had the same lump sum as my other gc. I always assumed I must be at fault because who dumps their mother. My gd made contact when she finished University, but I do not see her, every time she came my d contacted her and home she went. I should have walked away years ago. I am ashamed of her now.

Put the money you would us on presents for the boys into two separate bank accounts in their names with the proviso that the boys cannot withdraw any of the m oney until they are of age.

By doing so, you are indicating to your grandsons when they are old enough to understand that you love them and continued to think of them and that the estrangement was not something you wanted.

Apart from this, make no attempt to contact your daughter or her family. She has shown all too clearly that she prefers her father's money to you.

keepingquiet
I think you asked this question on another thread.

Yes you did on 21st September and did receive some helpful replies.

Keep communicating with the boys, ignore her as she does not seem to deserve you as I read it!
You could put money away for the boys in trust accounts if that helps you!
Sorry you have been treated so badly ! Could her husband intervene and mediate??

Do I understand that the father would only give her away if she changed her name? If she agreed to that then it shows a lot about her father and your daughter. You're in a very difficult situation but I would carry on giving gifts to the boys and just hoping they actually receive them and that at some later stage , perhaps when they are older, you may have a worthwhile relationship with them.

Eggshell territory.
Grandchildren held to ransom.

If it were me?
Much as I adore my grandchildren if my daughter treated me so disrespectfully after all the years with help, travel, childcare and love?

I’d leave them to it.

Sorry if that seems cavalier and harsh. You’re probably saying ‘that’s okay for you to suggest when it’s not tearing YOU apart’.

But I know without a shadow of a doubt I’d throw them all together, get on with MY life (albeit very sad) and let her stew in her juices. Her dad is wealthy? So bluddy what.

She obviously knows the cost of much and the value of nothing here.

She’d have to come to me.
With a big apology.

And if she didn’t? Well, that’s life in the fast lane.

I don't understand the change of name business.
How did you know this was happening?
Had you tried to prevent her? Is this the cause of the rift?

She, DD sounds thoroughly ungrateful.
Continue to send cards etc to the twins but don't include her.
I hope you find a way through this far too common problem.

I personally would still send gifts to the children. Would make sure my will reflected that only the children would inherit. maybe leave then a letter for the children with a solicitor. Sorry but I don't believe that parents should forgive all. Sometimes you have to show how hurt you were. This is what we have done in a similar situation.

He said he would like to give her away at the wedding ( a registry office affair ) the trade off being that she reverted back to her original surname (his) , and that if she did so she would be included in his will.

Does this mean that she could not take her husband’s name - assuming that she may have wanted to?

If your ex-husband is wealthy, surely you would have got a sizeable settlement. Regardless, please continue to send cards and presents for your GC. So sad that one of the boys tried to phone you and got cut-off, by your daughter. They obviously love you. Yes, please continue cards and presents.
Some years ago, something similar happened with my middle son, but I still saw the little girl, at their house for a couple of hours every week.
I find that a lot of divorced mums are facing this. The AC are always in a dilemma . It’s all very sad,
Btw the issue with my middle son was nothing to with ‘split loyalty’. He’s always been a sensitive boy, and something I said, caused him to go off on his high horse !!! 😫

Have you any idea why she ghosted you at her wedding?

I would continue to send her cards and cards and gifts to the children Aura but not necessarily expensive ones.

I think you asked this question on another thread.