Son has signed out

Doodledog

ByeHere

I didn't say she is sleeping well, I said sleep better. As in, find support, even if they are wrong.

Details will show if OP is to blame or if the son is unfair.

If OP is to blame, than she should work on herself to fix the relationship.

If the son is being unfair, than OP needs to accept that reality and just hope he comes around one day.

They're already at a point where they can discuss the reasons for the estrangement. Unfortunately, she's unable to see his perspective. And what little perspective she is able was received immaturely.

Why dies it matter if the OP is 'wrong' in your opinion? There is no objectively 'wrong' or 'right' in relationships, outside of something like violence.

People can be supportive without condoning anything, or leaping to judgement one way or the other.

"There is no objectively 'wrong' or 'right' in relationships, outside of something like violence."

Oh you sweet summer child.

Well, I'm glad you've had the privilege of never experiencing a relationship so objectively wrong that all you can think of is violence.

I'm so sorry TopNan, please put the nasty comments out of your mind as more often than not the posters who make them have their own agenda.

TopNan1

I wasn't okay, no, when I read their comments. Why are there always these people who love to kick people when they're really down.

I really don’t know TopNan, but don’t let that put you off - they or he/she would love it if it did - there are many people on here, some who have suffered estrangement and survived, myself included, but the majority have given good advice and am sure wish you well. As do I 🌹🙏🏾

Babs03

So sorry you are going through this. The good news is that even though your son is blanking you this has only been since Jan, and I know it feels like an eternity right now but it really isn’t, there is still time for your son to come round. You mention your other ACs, his brother and sister, have they any idea why he is doing this?
My advice would be to simply send an email or letter saying you understand that he needs space right now but you are there if he needs you and that you love him very much. And leave it at that for now, get on with your life and try to fill your time with things that you enjoy which will distract you from this situation, as well as holding those who are still close to you even closer.
You can’t force this or change it your son is a grown man who has made his own decision about this for now.
Wishing you well
🌹🙏🏾

Great Advice from Babs. Do send a letter to him .

Sorry you are so upset love.
It must be very difficult.

All the best

🌻😻💐

Xxx

They say you can choose friends but not family. He's obviously decided you're not his choice.

I wasn't okay, no, when I read their comments. Why are there always these people who love to kick people when they're really down.

Thanks for that heads up as it seemed odd that two people have said such nasty things in an almost identical way.

User, can you really imagine that the OP doesn’t spend almost every waking minute “reflecting” on the possible causes of the rift between herself and her son? I doubt whether she needs “encouragement” to do so.

Nobody suffers from a family estrangement without every past incident being mentally churned over and revisited again and again, in an attempt to see where things could have been done differently on either side.

There is no evidence that the OP excuses her role in the conflict by claiming to be a victim. She’s just expressing her sadness and anger, and this should be a safe space to do so.

I too have same thought of thing with my daughter, a raft of what I had done or not done, we sorted it out but she would change the goal posts. I know how heartbreaking it is when you know you have not done anything that is so uncalled for in the way hes treating you. I really hope you can sort it with him. Personally I wouldn't ask his siblings to get involved.

There is lots of good advice here and I do hope it helps the OP - I feel for you and know if it were me and one of my children I'd be hurting a lot. If it were me I would want to listen with understanding and avoid making it a battle about who is right or wrong - I am sure you did all you could to be a good mother but none of us got everything right with our children, and memories are unreliable. In the end listening, caring, telling him you love and miss him and being patient might be the best pathway to a happier place. I do hope so and wish you and your son a happier way ahead.

Well here's a radical thought User sometimes the parent whose been estranged is the victim but that's irrelevant here because no one has said that she is, including the OP.

@User, we are not trained counsellors, we can only offer help and support when people reach out. And the advice to give the young man space whilst saying the OP is there for him and loves him very much is imho the best we can do unless she comes back to give more details and asks for further help. Her call. We cannot over step the mark with our own speculations.
We can only be there if the OP needs more help.

Nobody is saying that the OP is a victim though. People have made suggestions as to how she can try to instigate a discussion with her son. That would mean that he could explain why he feels as he does, and they could talk things through.

Byehere and Hithere probably the same person are just trying to stir the pot and be completely obnoxious to someone already suffering and coming on here for some comfort and maybe advice
Take no notice of those toxic posts ’

I always find it interesting that once an AC chooses estrangement every issue leading up to that is suddenly irrelevant. The AC chose to destroy the family. Somehow everything was perfect and healthy until the AC came and ruined it single handedly for no good reason.

The truth is that relationships with immediate family don't just blow up without any reason. I'm not blaming any particular person because I don't know. I just don't think blind support without any contrary point of view is helpful.

There is something underneath estrangement ALWAYS. There is build up to a breaking point every single time. Ignoring the context when you've been estranged is just twisting the situation to make yourself into a victim. It feels better to be a victim than to be part of the problem. But viewing yourself as the victim also ruins any chance of reconciliation.

The OP isn't obligated to share what the conflict is about but really should be encouraged to reflect on it. I would highly discourage dismissing their issues as untrue or not your fault. Instead acknowledge their POV and make the feel heard. You may not think it's accurate but they do and that does matter. If you think it doesn't matter, than estrangement was actually the right choice.

There are multiple sides to the story and acknowledging all sides is key. Fail to do that and the relationship fails.

I feel your pain too. The pain has got worse for me with each passing day/month/year. It's constant torture. Birthdays/anniversaries/xmas are a killer.
A few have advised to write to your DS. From experience, I wouldn't. I hope you can find a way back x

ByeHere

I didn't say she is sleeping well, I said sleep better. As in, find support, even if they are wrong.

Details will show if OP is to blame or if the son is unfair.

If OP is to blame, than she should work on herself to fix the relationship.

If the son is being unfair, than OP needs to accept that reality and just hope he comes around one day.

They're already at a point where they can discuss the reasons for the estrangement. Unfortunately, she's unable to see his perspective. And what little perspective she is able was received immaturely.

Why dies it matter if the OP is 'wrong' in your opinion? There is no objectively 'wrong' or 'right' in relationships, outside of something like violence.

People can be supportive without condoning anything, or leaping to judgement one way or the other.

This is a support thread not a sit in judgement thread so to those trying to hijack it and put forward harsh judgements I suggest you go back to Reddit pronto.
Parents and ACs alike come on here for support during a heartbreaking estrangement, they need help and kindly advice.
Which most on this thread realise.

A wise person once said a mother's place is in the wrong and I think this happens with some adult children. Lots of good advice here. Keep contact if you can with your son. He may have a change of heart in the future.

Highly recommend the book “Feeling Good Together by psychiatrist Dr David Burns

TopNan - I’ve got one of those - a very difficult ‘middle child’….we were estranged for a short time, and are on the verge again.
He texted me yesterday to tell me off for lending my car to my grandson (daughter’s son) for a short time. It’s none of his business - my car, my business. 😡

TopNan I suggest you give yourself a bit of time to think this through. Write down the key points he made and consider each one carefully. What you think he is right about/half right about/not right about. Consider why he might think what he thinks; what might have given him that impression or made him feel as he feels. Use that understanding to acknowledge what you feel you can of what he says.

Write down what you think about your own behaviour in each scenario; did it happen; what did you do or say. Consider why you did /said what you did.

Then think about your ocean/puddle question. Consider that if you feel that is your cut off line then stick with that. But if you want to try to reconcile then do you need to be the "grown up"; make that first move; open the door of potential reconciliation a crack?

If you feel you can I would send a gentle note to say:

" I understand you are angry and need space. I am here and willing to listen if and when you are ready"

If he makes contact just listen. Dont justify; dont argue; just LISTEN" Then ask him to LISTEN just as you have. Tell him you love him/miss him. Tell him you accept that is how he feels. Tell him you know you did and know why that made him angry.

After that your next decisions will come from how he responds to all this. 💐

So sorry you’re in this situation Topnan I’m sure you always did your best with all your children which is all any of us can do. One of my very good friends was in a similar situation with one of her 2 sons. She was divorced from their father who was a horrible piece of work and who made little or no positive contribution to their lives. However after he died ( from alcoholism) the younger son cut off all contact with her and told the other son he did not want her in his life because she was toxic. She is the least toxic person you could imagine and has always been there for both her sons emotionally and financially. She was heartbroken but wrote to him saying that she loved him and always would. She continued keeping in contact tho he didn’t respond. Anyway after about a year he made contact and is now reconciled with her although he has never apologised or given an explanation for his conduct. She doesn’t question him and is happier that at least they have some kind of relationship. Maybe a similar approach would help?

Stirring the pot and making a miserable situation worse seems to be the aim doesn't it BlueBelle but thankfully that is out weighed by the sensible responses.

I very much doubt that had the OP been thinking about sharing more Exaltedwombat she'd feel inclined to do so now and I can't say I blame her.

TopNan - Your son is a big stinky doodoo head and is awful for tearing apart your family. His perspective is completely and wholly unjustified because as your username suggests, you are the TOP NAN so any problem he has can't possibly be your fault!

🙄 Dear me!