Son has signed out

Oh well done Whiff, I did wonder .

I'm offering advice and support InRainbows which I would have thought was self evident if you read my responses, and I stand by the advice and support I've given to TopNan.

Whiff

As I suspected the person who tried to bait me . I reported as I recognised her style she was a banned poster and GN have banned her again hence her posts deleted.

Thank you GN for acting quickly.

Yep thanks GN and thanks Whiff for spotting this.
👍

As I suspected the person who tried to bait me . I reported as I recognised her style she was a banned poster and GN have banned her again hence her posts deleted.

Thank you GN for acting quickly.

Smileless2012

Unfortunately Babs there will always be some who will never acknowledge that it's not only EAC who are victims; EP's can be and are victims too.

It's always good to see that those of us who have been estranged possess the emotional maturity not to judge all EAC because of what our own children have done.

Very true.

Smileless2012

I don't understand what you mean InRainbows. Are you suggesting that it's because TopNan shared here that the situation has deteriorated further?

There has been a broad spectrum of advice because not everyone whose responded is estranged. The OP's son has been blanking her since January so I don't agree that she's given up quickly or has given up at all.

There's no more she can do until her son initiates contact. Accepting that isn't giving up.

May I ask, are you here to offer advice and support on how to handle this situation that either helps the relationship in the right direction or helps TopNan through her difficult feelings at this point?

Or are you here to challenge any comment you disagree with without consideration that no one is infallible nor right all the time?

It does appear to be the latter and I do stand by saying that perhaps this was not the best place to bring this problem. The problem has now worsened and only a few people like Stillawip and Allsorts seemed to offer any constructive advice or reflection

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Unfortunately Babs there will always be some who will never acknowledge that it's not only EAC who are victims; EP's can be and are victims too.

It's always good to see that those of us who have been estranged possess the emotional maturity not to judge all EAC because of what our own children have done.

However, that last remark was to prove a point. Fact is there are EACs who have no choice than to estrange from their parents but those who simply don’t get along with their parents either reunite after a stormy falling out period, or learn to tolerate their differences. Then there are those who estrange from parents due to coercion from a spouse/the spouse’s family, poor mental health, substance abuse, or for reasons never fully divulged.
And there are ACs who abuse their parents, little spoken of, but sadly more common than we might think, causing parents to break the cycle by breaking their hearts and walking away.
Nothing is ever straightforward when it comes to estrangement so to pigeon hole all EPs as nasty parents or all EACs as entitled immature brats is never going to work.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

I don't understand what you mean InRainbows. Are you suggesting that it's because TopNan shared here that the situation has deteriorated further?

There has been a broad spectrum of advice because not everyone whose responded is estranged. The OP's son has been blanking her since January so I don't agree that she's given up quickly or has given up at all.

There's no more she can do until her son initiates contact. Accepting that isn't giving up.

@Brueger
“There is no fixing emotionally immature adults, especially the older they get.”

And taking what Silverlining said, this could just as easily refer to EACs, many of whom are in their forties or older with families of their own.

Smileless2012

The OP has been estranged by her son InRainbows. Telling a parent not to make contact, blocking them from a family group and blocking their number is what happens when there's estrangement.

Experiencing times of trouble with ones children is a far cry from being estranged by them.

Not at the point of first sharing this here, sadly after sharing this here, it appears but who would give up so quickly? Perhaps a broader spectrum of advice would still help.

Whiff

Brueger you don't know me but I will not be baited by a nasty person like you . As that will give you pleasure ,so happy to disappoint you.

Good call Whiff 🌹

The OP has been estranged by her son InRainbows. Telling a parent not to make contact, blocking them from a family group and blocking their number is what happens when there's estrangement.

Experiencing times of trouble with ones children is a far cry from being estranged by them.

I would suggest that perhaps asking for advice about relationship issues and breakdowns would go better under the "Relationships" topic here. I think so many of us experience times of trouble in all our relationships, especially with our own children because life is never simple. This need would be better reaching those who have been able to navigate those sorts of difficulties. Those who can say what worked well with their own children and what did not.

Asking about these things under the topic of "estrangement" is likely to attract polarised views and does not seem like the right place unless estrangement is where you want the relationship to remain, which of course many do, so please ignore if this does not apply.

Sometimes there are hints as to why relations might have broken down, resulting in estrangement.

In this case the OP mentions in her update one or two things that may have inflamed the situation further.

OP, I think you’ve shown your anger and a degree of defiance, and it has hardened your son’s attitude. There’s no need to “grovel”, but on the other hand, try not to stray from keeping things conciliatory if there is any further communication between you.

Well said Whiff, dont let the ba...rds grind you down x

Allsorts

Feel sorry for you Topnani. Your son gave you reasons why he is unhappy with you. Although not true, it's awful being wrongly accused, but it's how he feels. I would send him an email, telling him you love him and sorry he feels let down by you. You were unaware he felt as he does and you both need to talk about it, but you will leave him to fonts at his own pace.
Then try to push it to the back of your mind and keep busy and mix with people whom you can talk and laugh with.

Wise advice ..

Sorry to hear of your woes with your son and hope that in the near future, the two of you can patch up and reunite.

Whiff .

Brueger you don't know me but I will not be baited by a nasty person like you . As that will give you pleasure ,so happy to disappoint you.

Silverlining .

I agree Brueger but those aren't the only reasons why estrangement happens.

Sometimes it's because the AC's spouse/partner takes against the parents and doesn't want there to be any contact. Sometimes it's because the parents can't or wont give them the financial and/or child care support they want.

I agree that there is no fixing emotionally immature adults, especially the older they get but it isn't always the parents who are emotionally immature, sometime it's the AC.

I'm an estranged parent but that doesn't blind me to the terrible lives some EAC have had and when those experiences have been shared here on GN, I've supported them and the decision they made.

EP's should be given the same respect. I am not a blind person leading another blind person. I didn't suggest the OP put the ball in her son's court. I said it's in his court because it is. He's the one whose told her not to contact him, so he's the only one who can now initiate contact if he wants too.

You've judged TopNan's message of I love you as being empty; who are you to judge? You don't know here anymore than you know Whiff who you've accused of being self absorbed.

I suspect that you're an EAC whose projecting your own experience onto strangers on an online forum because you're assuming they must be like your own.

Not all EP's are responsible for their estrangement just because yours are. Not all EAC are responsible for being estranged from their parents just because our son is.

I would like to remind all who refer to ‘the child ‘ that most of those who estrange parents are adults them selves and as such should have the maturity and emotional intelligence to understand that parenting can be hard, mistakes can and are made, but most parents generally try to do their best.
Sadly the statement of ‘not fixing emotionally immature adults especially the older they get’ can equally apply to those adult children as much as their even older parents.
As someone who experienced long term abuse of the worst kind, I am no excuser of parental bad behaviour.

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TopNan1 I even took the brave route of putting a small message up on his upcoming birthday so he’d know I still love him (I said “I still love you. Whenever you’re ready”). Honest to God I thought that would soften him.
What happened instead has been unbearable. He replied to my birthday message with a single line. “Do not contact me.” Then he deleted me from the family group and blocked my number.
I tried one last conciliatory message since then, and I wrote to him that I was sad and that I deserved a little more kindness after everything I’ve done for him. Someone here said I shouldn't grovel, so I added that “cutting me off feels cruel given what I’ve sacrificed.”

Well done with apology.

Perhaps don't think "kindness after everything I've done and sacrificed" all parents do, parenting is sacrificing, in my opinion.

Wait silently.