Son has signed out

Having been party to a similar situation, I'd say it's vital to keep the communication lines open by acknowledging things like birthdays etc with just a card/text and not to go completely silent as that does more harm than good. Also agree that siblings should be kept out of this as being seen to have loyalties one side or the other can hinder any reconciliation. I hope it's resolved soon as this kind of thing is heartbreaking.

I have genuinely cringed with discomfort at the nasty comments made by the certain few that are able to hide behind the luxury of the anonymity this forum provides. Just focus on the good and sensible advice (as always) given to you on here topnan1.

ByeHere

She sees the other persons viewpoint as invalid, and if they weren't related by blood they would likely have no relationship at all.

She also reacted defensively when faced when faced with undeniable criticism which suggests she's immature. Furthermore, she foolishly believes her justifications (she was stressed/depressed) excuse her behavior.

And it is perfectly possible to point out that she might benefit from considering these possibilities truthfully with herself whilst considering her next steps in such a way that an upset and hurting person can "hear" the constructive comments rather than shuts down/is even more upset and emotional at a bombardment of negative accusatory criticism. Doing so creates a better chance of helping a poster who is asking for help. Sarcastic and unpleasantly weird comments and criticism will not help atall.

But ofcourse it depends on the motivation of posters who decide to respond to the OPs request for help.

Madgran77

*And without having the specific details there is not much more constructive criticism to be offered*

I think it is perfectly possible to offer constructive advice without specific details and without making assumptions about either tge son or the OP. An example would be to really LISTEN if a conversation happens between the OP and her son.

Good advice.

Listening rather than speaking with preconceived ideas set aside.

Also self refecting may be a good idea.

Perhaps not being upset over small amount of time involved, look forward.

Give grace, be kind, it's free.

Harsh Byethere

Good advice InRainbows.

And without having the specific details there is not much more constructive criticism to be offered

I think it is perfectly possible to offer constructive advice without specific details and without making assumptions about either tge son or the OP. An example would be to really LISTEN if a conversation happens between the OP and her son.

TopNan1

My son has blanked me since January and when he eventually did decide to talk to me ( "it was very hard for him") he hit me with a broadside of complaints and reasons why he'd stopped talking to me. Most were totally unjustified and I say that because I am my harshest critic, I don't have a high opinion of myself. I can only own one of his accusations but my attitude at that time was defensive because I was going through a lot of stress and grief.
Anyway he's not exactly estranged but doesn't initiate any contact and if I phone him he doesn't answer and doesn't ring back. I feel like it's the oceans and puddles thing now - why should I jump over an ocean for him when he's not prepared to jump over a puddle for me. His brother and sister naturally don't take sides but they are aching for me because they know how heartbroken I am and how a lot of what he said was unjustified. They are trying to maintain the status quo but sadly I think my son has completely blown our family apart. I'm not sure I even like him anymore!! Just my story and some days I get so depressed about it. We were once very close and I think that's no longer the case.

Hi, I tried reading through to see if anyone had already asked my thoughts but it was all a bit of a disaster. I have a few thoughts and I hope you don't mind me sharing them with you.

Other than this issue with your son, how are his other relationships? Does he tend to fall out with a lot of people or is this just you? What could the possible reasons for that be? Do these feelings seem real and genuine to him?

Would it be a better idea to leave his brother and sister out of this situation? They don't want to take sides and you need to focus on mending your relationship without risking damaging theirs or it will end up being harder all around.

I will be completely honest and say to you that "I don't think I even like him anymore" is absolutely devastating to read. I have raised children myself and now they are raising their own they don't always agree with how I did things. I've had to accept that and they have had to accept I did the best I knew how in many situations. They know had I had the information they are able to access I would not do things the same way and I support their parenting.

Understanding that a child's view of their upbringing is not the same as your own is devastating but it is also an opportunity for both of you to bring the relationship closer than ever. The number of times my children have recounted a memory to me and I cannot remember a moment of it or remember it differently, I think it is easy at times to look back with rose tinted glasses or believe you would have done things a certain way but we all do change greatly over time.

Sometimes the way forward is to accept the feelings of the person you are talking to. That is not an admission of guilt. It is simply dealing with those situations and feelings one thing at a time. Accepting he remembers situations one way and also sharing how you remember them with admitting to a simple truth, our memories are not always reliable, we do remember parts and fill in the gaps subconsciously and getting to a place where you both can acknowledge that would likely resolve the issue.

She sees the other persons viewpoint as invalid, and if they weren't related by blood they would likely have no relationship at all.

She also reacted defensively when faced when faced with undeniable criticism which suggests she's immature. Furthermore, she foolishly believes her justifications (she was stressed/depressed) excuse her behavior.

@ByeHere

“ But you likely don't have the required level of emotional maturity to radically accept the shame that will come with validating his justifications/reasons, so you need to work on that aspect of yourself first. Either through some deep soul searching or effective counseling to find the source of your immaturity (as you did become defensive when faced with undeniable criticism).

Likely stems from your own upbringing and imperfect parents.”

You are talking as if you have known this person for years and hold her in contempt for reasons of your own.
You know nothing at all. And what’s more the OP doesn’t owe you or anyone else justification or explanations. Indeed unless she is in a court of law facing charges nobody has the right to judge.
For goodness sake get off your high horse and stop making up your own narrative.

Smileless2012

You haven't offered any constructive criticism ByeHere and it is your attitude that clearly shows a lot of improvement is needed.

Almost everytime you reply I feel like I'm back in the playground again.

Na-uhn I know what you are but what am I?

Babs03

No he isn’t estranged and though it might seem like a very long time for a son not to contact his mum it really could feel quite short to the son who as a young man must have a busy life. The initial issues that led to this blanking of the mum should not imho be brought up or blown out of proportion whilst he is still ‘blanking’. Is a question of being patient and keeping channels of communication open so when he does resume contact then you can both talk honestly and openly about what occurred.
But nothing can happen until he decides to resume contact, forcing it or enlisting his siblings could only result in driving him further away.

I promise you (TopNan), if you resumed contact by seeing his justifications as valid (since they are valid to him) and offered a sincere apology instead of an empty one (as well as empty 'I love you's), than your relationship will begin to truly heal.

But you likely don't have the required level of emotional maturity to radically accept the shame that will come with validating his justifications/reasons, so you need to work on that aspect of yourself first. Either through some deep soul searching or effective counseling to find the source of your immaturity (as you did become defensive when faced with undeniable criticism).

Likely stems from your own upbringing and imperfect parents.

No he isn’t estranged and though it might seem like a very long time for a son not to contact his mum it really could feel quite short to the son who as a young man must have a busy life. The initial issues that led to this blanking of the mum should not imho be brought up or blown out of proportion whilst he is still ‘blanking’. Is a question of being patient and keeping channels of communication open so when he does resume contact then you can both talk honestly and openly about what occurred.
But nothing can happen until he decides to resume contact, forcing it or enlisting his siblings could only result in driving him further away.

TopNan1 Anyway he's not exactly estranged but doesn't initiate any contact and if I phone him he doesn't answer and doesn't ring back.

He's not estranged, accept and be a happy mum.

Perhaps he's busy? I'd wait quietly, sending occasional notes.

I dislike phone calls that must last longer than a minute, as do our children. I much prefer email. Perhaps avoid calling?

You haven't offered any constructive criticism ByeHere and it is your attitude that clearly shows a lot of improvement is needed.

And without having the specific details there is not much more constructive criticism to be offered.

But the attitude displayed by the OP clearly shows a lot of room for improvement as an adult, especially a mother.

Omaju

ByeHere

Maremia

We don't really need to know both sides though, do we? It's not a court case. TopNan is looking for help.

Ok, lets all give it to her!

TopNan - Your son is a big stinky doodoo head and is awful for tearing apart your family. His perspective is completely and wholly unjustified because as your username suggests, you are the TOP NAN so any problem he has can't possibly be your fault!

xoxo

Wow! Who bit your nose this morning?
If you can't be supportive or offer any help without being mean then, please, don't say anything at all. Constructive criticism is just that, constructive but not mean or nasty.

My first post on this thread is constructive, even if it's not to your taste. Here is a refersher...

Maybe that single accusation (that you both can at least agree happened) is very important, and your abysmal attitude regarding it probably leaves a lot to be desired from a parental figure who is supposed to be mature and definitely wiser.

If you have such a dysfunctional view on the relationship with your child [oceans and puddles], it leaves to wonder what else you get wrong. Probably a whole myriad of things. Very important things.

ByeHere

Maremia

We don't really need to know both sides though, do we? It's not a court case. TopNan is looking for help.

Ok, lets all give it to her!

TopNan - Your son is a big stinky doodoo head and is awful for tearing apart your family. His perspective is completely and wholly unjustified because as your username suggests, you are the TOP NAN so any problem he has can't possibly be your fault!

xoxo

Wow! Who bit your nose this morning?
If you can't be supportive or offer any help without being mean then, please, don't say anything at all. Constructive criticism is just that, constructive but not mean or nasty.

Maelil

What a sad, damaged person you must be to be so full of bile.

Do you mean me???

ByeHere

I am not HiThere

Still a troll though.

ByeHere

"I can only own one of his accusations but my attitude at that time was defensive because I was going through a lot of stress and grief."

Maybe that single accusation (that you both can at least agree happened) is very important, and your abysmal attitude regarding it probably leaves a lot to be desired from a parental figure who is supposed to be mature and definitely wiser.

"I feel like it's the oceans and puddles thing now - why should I jump over an ocean for him when he's not prepared to jump over a puddle for me."

If you have such a dysfunctional view on the relationship with your child, it leaves to wonder what else you get wrong. Probably a whole myriad of things. Very important things.

Obviously the same sad person as HiThere. Anold fashioned Troll. Thought they were dying out.

Sorry, I meant to address ByeHere. I suspect you are being set up, Hithere.

To set the record straight

My one and only comment - apart from this one - it is in page one

So two comments in total - counting this one.

Doodledog, I didn't get upset at all!

Hithere has been a poster here for years. I have a hard time believing that they would suddenly create an alter ego just to say the same thing.

OP I’m sorry you are struggling. I think madgran has given wonderful advice. Many strange parents have stated that they wished they had reasons no matter how ridiculous for why their children walked away. You do have reasons whether you agree with them or not. That is a bonus as it allows you to use madgrans advice to the fullest.

I seem to have upset you, Hithere.

I didn't say there is no right or wrong except for violence, though. I said except for things like violence - meaning that 'right' and 'wrong' in relationships are subjective outside of fairly clear-cut parameters. But you know that, I'm sure, and are just being aggressive.

The OP has not been given blind support, and I am by no means a 'sweet summer child', I can assure you. You, however, have shown by saying those things that you pass judgement without understanding circumstances, leap to conclusions (such as what I can imagine, what I have experienced and more) and are quick to attack.

What I don't understand is why you feel the need to attack a poster who is clearly upset already. What do you get out of it? Carry on calling me names if it helps 🤷‍♀️, but the OP doesn't need it, I'm sure.

I think Esmay is right but we don’t know as everyone has said the circumstances, but who doesn’t love their children and would go to the ends of the earth for them. I’m so sorry for TopNan and hope you can welcome your son back soon,
I didn’t however think I would ever read such vile, nasty comments as I have today.