Son has signed out

You are one of many and please ignore the nasty comments from a certain gransnetter
Maybe her childhood was appalling.

I also had a hard childhood ,but I still honoured my parents in speaking politely to them and caring for them .
Life is tough these days and unfortunately our kids have such high expectations I think that they exchange thoughts on social media and influence each other . I've wondered if this generation just can't deal with adult life .

I have a friend who has brought up her granddaughter from birth and her reward to be continually insulted by her daughter .
That includes putting cat vomit in her bed .
She doesn't know what she's done wrong .
It's possibly been caused by her marital breakup.

My advice to you is -
not to phone nor message your son.
Just remember his birthday and Christmas with a card and small gift and back off .
If the gifts and cards are returned then stop them .
This estrangement can continue for years -don't be surprised .
It usually resolves itself.
I wish you well .

Has someone told you that you are worthless or should kill yourself ByeHere? If so that's awful and I'm sorry but 'attacking' posters here isn't going to help is it.

Smileless2012

You don't know Doodledog so have no idea what she may or may not have experienced in relationships ByeHere.

I might serve you to appreciate that not everyone judges others based only on what they themselves have experienced.

Well I do know that she believes there is no objectively wrong way to behave in a relationship outside of violence.

That tells me she has never had a relationship (or parent) that has told them truly horrendous things, like that they are worthless or should kill themselves.

That's objectively wrong, but she couldn't even imagine that happening!

Must be so nice! Ignorant, but nice!

Doodledog

Nobody is saying that the OP is a victim though. People have made suggestions as to how she can try to instigate a discussion with her son. That would mean that he could explain why he feels as he does, and they could talk things through.

She didn't outright call herself a victim, but reading between the lines, she certainly paints herself as one.

"My son has blanked me since January"

"He hit me with a broadside of complaints and reasons why he'd stopped talking to me. Most were totally unjustified"

"Why should I jump over an ocean for him when he's not prepared to jump over a puddle for me."

"I think my son has completely blown our family apart. I'm not sure I even like him anymore!!"

Also it's weird that so many people are calling him abusive in this thread. Rereading the OP, I think people mistook the line "He hit me [with a broadside of complaints]" literally instead of figuratively.

Unless they think choosing to estrange is abuse in itself...

You don't know Doodledog so have no idea what she may or may not have experienced in relationships ByeHere.

I might serve you to appreciate that not everyone judges others based only on what they themselves have experienced.

Doodledog

ByeHere

I didn't say she is sleeping well, I said sleep better. As in, find support, even if they are wrong.

Details will show if OP is to blame or if the son is unfair.

If OP is to blame, than she should work on herself to fix the relationship.

If the son is being unfair, than OP needs to accept that reality and just hope he comes around one day.

They're already at a point where they can discuss the reasons for the estrangement. Unfortunately, she's unable to see his perspective. And what little perspective she is able was received immaturely.

Why dies it matter if the OP is 'wrong' in your opinion? There is no objectively 'wrong' or 'right' in relationships, outside of something like violence.

People can be supportive without condoning anything, or leaping to judgement one way or the other.

"There is no objectively 'wrong' or 'right' in relationships, outside of something like violence."

Oh you sweet summer child.

Well, I'm glad you've had the privilege of never experiencing a relationship so objectively wrong that all you can think of is violence.

I'm so sorry TopNan, please put the nasty comments out of your mind as more often than not the posters who make them have their own agenda.

TopNan1

I wasn't okay, no, when I read their comments. Why are there always these people who love to kick people when they're really down.

I really don’t know TopNan, but don’t let that put you off - they or he/she would love it if it did - there are many people on here, some who have suffered estrangement and survived, myself included, but the majority have given good advice and am sure wish you well. As do I 🌹🙏🏾

Babs03

So sorry you are going through this. The good news is that even though your son is blanking you this has only been since Jan, and I know it feels like an eternity right now but it really isn’t, there is still time for your son to come round. You mention your other ACs, his brother and sister, have they any idea why he is doing this?
My advice would be to simply send an email or letter saying you understand that he needs space right now but you are there if he needs you and that you love him very much. And leave it at that for now, get on with your life and try to fill your time with things that you enjoy which will distract you from this situation, as well as holding those who are still close to you even closer.
You can’t force this or change it your son is a grown man who has made his own decision about this for now.
Wishing you well
🌹🙏🏾

Great Advice from Babs. Do send a letter to him .

Sorry you are so upset love.
It must be very difficult.

All the best

🌻😻💐

Xxx

They say you can choose friends but not family. He's obviously decided you're not his choice.

I wasn't okay, no, when I read their comments. Why are there always these people who love to kick people when they're really down.

Thanks for that heads up as it seemed odd that two people have said such nasty things in an almost identical way.

User, can you really imagine that the OP doesn’t spend almost every waking minute “reflecting” on the possible causes of the rift between herself and her son? I doubt whether she needs “encouragement” to do so.

Nobody suffers from a family estrangement without every past incident being mentally churned over and revisited again and again, in an attempt to see where things could have been done differently on either side.

There is no evidence that the OP excuses her role in the conflict by claiming to be a victim. She’s just expressing her sadness and anger, and this should be a safe space to do so.

I too have same thought of thing with my daughter, a raft of what I had done or not done, we sorted it out but she would change the goal posts. I know how heartbreaking it is when you know you have not done anything that is so uncalled for in the way hes treating you. I really hope you can sort it with him. Personally I wouldn't ask his siblings to get involved.

There is lots of good advice here and I do hope it helps the OP - I feel for you and know if it were me and one of my children I'd be hurting a lot. If it were me I would want to listen with understanding and avoid making it a battle about who is right or wrong - I am sure you did all you could to be a good mother but none of us got everything right with our children, and memories are unreliable. In the end listening, caring, telling him you love and miss him and being patient might be the best pathway to a happier place. I do hope so and wish you and your son a happier way ahead.

Well here's a radical thought User sometimes the parent whose been estranged is the victim but that's irrelevant here because no one has said that she is, including the OP.

@User, we are not trained counsellors, we can only offer help and support when people reach out. And the advice to give the young man space whilst saying the OP is there for him and loves him very much is imho the best we can do unless she comes back to give more details and asks for further help. Her call. We cannot over step the mark with our own speculations.
We can only be there if the OP needs more help.

Nobody is saying that the OP is a victim though. People have made suggestions as to how she can try to instigate a discussion with her son. That would mean that he could explain why he feels as he does, and they could talk things through.

Byehere and Hithere probably the same person are just trying to stir the pot and be completely obnoxious to someone already suffering and coming on here for some comfort and maybe advice
Take no notice of those toxic posts ’

I always find it interesting that once an AC chooses estrangement every issue leading up to that is suddenly irrelevant. The AC chose to destroy the family. Somehow everything was perfect and healthy until the AC came and ruined it single handedly for no good reason.

The truth is that relationships with immediate family don't just blow up without any reason. I'm not blaming any particular person because I don't know. I just don't think blind support without any contrary point of view is helpful.

There is something underneath estrangement ALWAYS. There is build up to a breaking point every single time. Ignoring the context when you've been estranged is just twisting the situation to make yourself into a victim. It feels better to be a victim than to be part of the problem. But viewing yourself as the victim also ruins any chance of reconciliation.

The OP isn't obligated to share what the conflict is about but really should be encouraged to reflect on it. I would highly discourage dismissing their issues as untrue or not your fault. Instead acknowledge their POV and make the feel heard. You may not think it's accurate but they do and that does matter. If you think it doesn't matter, than estrangement was actually the right choice.

There are multiple sides to the story and acknowledging all sides is key. Fail to do that and the relationship fails.

I feel your pain too. The pain has got worse for me with each passing day/month/year. It's constant torture. Birthdays/anniversaries/xmas are a killer.
A few have advised to write to your DS. From experience, I wouldn't. I hope you can find a way back x

ByeHere

I didn't say she is sleeping well, I said sleep better. As in, find support, even if they are wrong.

Details will show if OP is to blame or if the son is unfair.

If OP is to blame, than she should work on herself to fix the relationship.

If the son is being unfair, than OP needs to accept that reality and just hope he comes around one day.

They're already at a point where they can discuss the reasons for the estrangement. Unfortunately, she's unable to see his perspective. And what little perspective she is able was received immaturely.

Why dies it matter if the OP is 'wrong' in your opinion? There is no objectively 'wrong' or 'right' in relationships, outside of something like violence.

People can be supportive without condoning anything, or leaping to judgement one way or the other.

This is a support thread not a sit in judgement thread so to those trying to hijack it and put forward harsh judgements I suggest you go back to Reddit pronto.
Parents and ACs alike come on here for support during a heartbreaking estrangement, they need help and kindly advice.
Which most on this thread realise.

A wise person once said a mother's place is in the wrong and I think this happens with some adult children. Lots of good advice here. Keep contact if you can with your son. He may have a change of heart in the future.

Highly recommend the book “Feeling Good Together by psychiatrist Dr David Burns