Son has signed out

TopNan - I’ve got one of those - a very difficult ‘middle child’….we were estranged for a short time, and are on the verge again.
He texted me yesterday to tell me off for lending my car to my grandson (daughter’s son) for a short time. It’s none of his business - my car, my business. 😡

TopNan I suggest you give yourself a bit of time to think this through. Write down the key points he made and consider each one carefully. What you think he is right about/half right about/not right about. Consider why he might think what he thinks; what might have given him that impression or made him feel as he feels. Use that understanding to acknowledge what you feel you can of what he says.

Write down what you think about your own behaviour in each scenario; did it happen; what did you do or say. Consider why you did /said what you did.

Then think about your ocean/puddle question. Consider that if you feel that is your cut off line then stick with that. But if you want to try to reconcile then do you need to be the "grown up"; make that first move; open the door of potential reconciliation a crack?

If you feel you can I would send a gentle note to say:

" I understand you are angry and need space. I am here and willing to listen if and when you are ready"

If he makes contact just listen. Dont justify; dont argue; just LISTEN" Then ask him to LISTEN just as you have. Tell him you love him/miss him. Tell him you accept that is how he feels. Tell him you know you did and know why that made him angry.

After that your next decisions will come from how he responds to all this. 💐

So sorry you’re in this situation Topnan I’m sure you always did your best with all your children which is all any of us can do. One of my very good friends was in a similar situation with one of her 2 sons. She was divorced from their father who was a horrible piece of work and who made little or no positive contribution to their lives. However after he died ( from alcoholism) the younger son cut off all contact with her and told the other son he did not want her in his life because she was toxic. She is the least toxic person you could imagine and has always been there for both her sons emotionally and financially. She was heartbroken but wrote to him saying that she loved him and always would. She continued keeping in contact tho he didn’t respond. Anyway after about a year he made contact and is now reconciled with her although he has never apologised or given an explanation for his conduct. She doesn’t question him and is happier that at least they have some kind of relationship. Maybe a similar approach would help?

Stirring the pot and making a miserable situation worse seems to be the aim doesn't it BlueBelle but thankfully that is out weighed by the sensible responses.

I very much doubt that had the OP been thinking about sharing more Exaltedwombat she'd feel inclined to do so now and I can't say I blame her.

TopNan - Your son is a big stinky doodoo head and is awful for tearing apart your family. His perspective is completely and wholly unjustified because as your username suggests, you are the TOP NAN so any problem he has can't possibly be your fault!

🙄 Dear me!

I understand your pain 😔

I think Byehere or is it Hithere needs to grow up and stop trying to stir the pot and make a miserable situation worse

Exaltedwombat she doesn’t need to tell us details the lady is asking for support and some general ideas no need to go into her life story

I assure you that he will be back eventually. Just stay neutral and be kind when he contact’s you.

Don't apologise to the abuser. Set boundaries about what you will not tolerate. And be nice when he chooses to be nice.

So, what was actually said/done? Until you come clean about that, all we can do is pick sides.

OK, this is Gransnet, we're basically here for you and we're sorry you're upset. Now, WHAT HAPPENED? If it was truly trivial and/or justified, why wouldn't you have just told us straight out?

You are far from the first to have 'said too much' and found it hard to apologise!

Maremia

We don't really need to know both sides though, do we? It's not a court case. TopNan is looking for help.

Ok, lets all give it to her!

TopNan - Your son is a big stinky doodoo head and is awful for tearing apart your family. His perspective is completely and wholly unjustified because as your username suggests, you are the TOP NAN so any problem he has can't possibly be your fault!

xoxo

knspol

Looking at it from a distance of course but seems to me that your son sees things one way and you see things a different way. (Forget what your other children say as they may well have just agreed with you for a quiet life and to make you feel better).
Your son was quite brave to say all of this to you and you're understandably very upset but if you want to get past this then it seems to me the only way is to talk to him. If he's not agreeable to this then maybe a calm letter saying you want to keep in touch, you do love him etc and saying how sorry you are that he sees things the way he does and then in broad strokes explaining things from your point of view and expressing sincere hope that you can get past this and re-establish a better relationship.

I agree. People never agree to past complaints or problems.

Perhaps just write a kind note expressing your love and giving apologies for any upset. Wait patiently until time to send Holiday greetings.

Mums jump Oceans

We don't really need to know both sides though, do we? It's not a court case. TopNan is looking for help.

Looking at it from a distance of course but seems to me that your son sees things one way and you see things a different way. (Forget what your other children say as they may well have just agreed with you for a quiet life and to make you feel better).
Your son was quite brave to say all of this to you and you're understandably very upset but if you want to get past this then it seems to me the only way is to talk to him. If he's not agreeable to this then maybe a calm letter saying you want to keep in touch, you do love him etc and saying how sorry you are that he sees things the way he does and then in broad strokes explaining things from your point of view and expressing sincere hope that you can get past this and re-establish a better relationship.

Please don't take any notice of Hi/bye here/there.. Two of a kind, or should I say one of a kind...

Did you have any little thing that was a bond between you?

Something low key and simple. A walk is good or the car can be helpful for potentially tricky conversations?

Totally uncalled for!

Two sides to every story, we read your story so we cannot make a balanced opinion.

TopNan, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It can help to set clear boundaries (e.g., “I will respond only when communication is respectful”), disengage from abuse or ignoring, and acknowledge calm responses when they occur. Limit checking messages, protect your emotional health, and seek support if needed. Remember, the abuse is never your fault, and responding selectively helps break the cycle.

I didn't say she is sleeping well, I said sleep better. As in, find support, even if they are wrong.

Details will show if OP is to blame or if the son is unfair.

If OP is to blame, than she should work on herself to fix the relationship.

If the son is being unfair, than OP needs to accept that reality and just hope he comes around one day.

They're already at a point where they can discuss the reasons for the estrangement. Unfortunately, she's unable to see his perspective. And what little perspective she is able was received immaturely.

ByeHere

Doodledog

ByeHere

No-one's going to ask for details about what the son accused her of? Or ask about the single incident that is acknowledged by both parties? Or mention the immaturity of the response to it?

Oooookk

I wouldn't dream of asking for details, as all it would invite is criticism of the OP, disguised as analysis of something nobody else has been privy to. Life is far more nuanced than can be expressed on a discussion board.

Also, details of an incident can be outing, and as we know, posts on here can be picked up by the media, which would be less than helpful. These are people's lives, not a soap opera.

If the goal is to simply sleep better at night, than sure, no details are required.

But if one truly wants to mend a broken relationship, than details are absolutely paramount.

Not for strangers on the Internet to judge by they aren't. I very much doubt that the OP is sleeping well at night, either.

In many ways the cause of the problem are incidental - the fact is that there has been a separation, and the OP has accepted some of the blame for that. The details are between the people concerned, and for them to sort out, but that can only be done if there is a dialogue.

If we all decided that the OP is to blame, or that the son is being unfair, nothing will be altered, so there is no point in rehashing it on here, other than to give people an opportunity to be unkind to one side or the other. The question is how to get mother and son to a point where they can discuss the reason for his cutting her off. Only then can progress be made.

Absolutely agree with the Poster who said write or email. That worked for me with a beloved Aunt. Phoning didn't work. She just ranted on and on. I took her 'easiest' point of conflict and wrote an explanation. Gradual, gentle process, but it worked.
Uncle was in tears when we eventually visited. He had been convinced he would never see us again.
Good luck, hope it all works out for you.

Hi TopNan1 - I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation, & let us hope that it is only temporary. You have had some helpful responses & some not so helpful ones, but try to see the latter as more relevant to the posters own situation than yours, if you can.
At the same time tho, you must be desperate to do something, & you have been given an 'opening' by your son, the one accusation that you say you can own, so if it was me I would work with that one. I would write a letter or email genuinely apologising for that - as you say, "own it" though, don't try & justify it or belittle any reaction he had to it. Maybe that olive branch will be taken up & he will then apologise for other accusations which weren't true, who knows? But it's a starting point. None of us parents are perfect - I'm certainly not, & no argument is ever a 100% one way fault, & maybe just volunteering your own small part in it may help...
Just two small observations from me - any mention of "why should I?" , and calling yourself as "Top Nan" may not be perceived by others as a conciliatory mindset, so maybe try to make sure you keep an open mind if you do manage to start a conversation with him. Good luck!

Unless you know the OP ByeHere you're in no position to know, let alone judge her reality.

I suspect you're an EAC and are simply projecting here.