Absolutely Broken Mum

I doubt if the op is coming back to this site any time soon.
Op dated October 25

I can fully understand your pain Strugglingmum, your son obviously has severe problems with his mental health. You cannot cure or alter that. What you can do is start to prioritise yourself. I know it consumes your every waking hour. Ask yourself this, has any of your involvement or advice been helpful, has it altered anything in any way.? The answer will be no. Allow yourself a certain hour to mull over things, the rest of the time concentrate on you and your life, get out more, decorate, start a project, listen to music, fill your time with positivity. If people ask you how you are find a good thing to chat about, ask them how they are, in fact fake it until you make it and you can. Do not waste another day with regrets, they are past. If and only if your son gets help and manages to get on an even keel he will come to you, however long that takes and you will be a whole not a broken person able to welcome him, because now your life is passing you by.

What exactly do you want support organisations to do for you?
Boys generally are much more affected by the loss of their biological father than divorcing couples are prepared to admit.
Family therapy with a good counsellor with the boy's birth father present would be the best thing to aim for.

Sounds like mine adhd and/ or pda .

Strugglingmum what are you doing to get help for yourself? Th time has come when your needs should be more important than your son's. Councelling or other talking therapy, would , I think, help you cope. So start to think about yourself. it will make the unbearable more bearable.

Judging by her terms of reference, I think the OP is American.

Sourcing medical help, of whatever sort, including mental health issues, is very different to here, and often chargeable.

Oh Masey what an awful story, you did the right thing calling the police. I had similar scenarios with my now estD.

I am so very sad to learn of your distress.
Of course you love your son , however your priority is your physical and mental health. Your son is ill and no amount of good parenting or an abundance of motherly love will change that. I can only imagine the pain you are in . Your job now is to not blame yourself and to put your own welfare at the top if your ' to do ' list. This is not your fault!!!!! You MUST keep yourself safe, you don't need anyone telling you that your son is violent and unpredictable- you already know that.
Goodness knows what he is putting his girlfriend through , if she has a loving family they must be extremely worried.
( if they are aware of the situation)
Please put yourself first, detach if possible and seek help through your GP.
Take great care - you must do that. 💐💐💐

I feel for you so much, nobody can hurt us as much as our children.
He sounds to me as if he’s got a lot of anger inside him that he is unable to deal with in an appropriate way, I know this is a long shot but as a retired mental health professional I’m wondering if there is a chance he has been abused in any way, I don’t mean by you or your ex husband but by anyone else.

You might find others with similar experiences on Mumsnet. Sorry you are going through this.
The only thing I would add is that you should not make contact with him, because of the restraining order. If you do it could lead to him being charged with breaching the order. Courts are regularly faced with such cases and sometimes it results in prison for the offender.

Strugglingmum86. I am so sorry you are so down having to deal with this very difficult situation with your son. So heartbreaking for you.
I was a single Mum. Few years ago when my son was a teenager he was so angry all the time. Knives out threatening he would self harm, holes punched in walls, screaming at me and hit me breaking ribs!! I never reported any of this at the time. Months later I did call police when he decided to go to rail track to end his life. They found him and returned him home. I tried to get him help but no one listened to me… not even family! My adult daughter(years older) was very very angry at me for calling police. He went to uni, suffered severe anxiety and very dark days. One late afternoon he called me and said he was going to a train station to end his life. I begged him to go to uni student mental help office. He turned his phone off. He jumped from platform in front of a fast moving train. His timing was off so ended up hospitalised and sectioned. Oh yes he then got instant help & for many months!! Only by chance he survived and diagnosed with severe depression and treated for same.
From me to you please take care of YOU!
Your son needs help with his mental health and a professional diagnosis is only way to go so that he will receive treatment he needs! He has to want it first. So I do hope you get some relief from your pain soon!

Strugglingmum
One thing I notice is you talk about ‘you’ disciplining him a lot and ‘you’ putting up with his viscous behaviour etc etc where was your husband (presumably his father) in all this ?
If your son has a mental health problem ( and it really sounds as if he dies) he perhaps cannot help his behaviour and all the mothering in the world won’t help unless you get a diagnosis and are clued up how to help
I’m sure he’s unhappy and struggling and the world will seem a very different place to him to how it seems to you
You have been let down by the authorities or perhaps you gave in or weren’t strong enough to insist but somehow youve fell through the cracks ( and there are many)
He is living away and you aren’t responsible for his behaviour now maybe his girlfriend will get him the help he so badly needs
I feel sorry for you both
I would keep loving him from a far and keep the lines of communication open Do you have contact with the girlfriend ?
Never stop loving him he perhaps has little control over his behaviour

Strugglingmum86

I am new here and I dont want to ramble on as it is such a long story so I will try to be brief but I have no where else to turn and cant find anyone that has been in a similar situation.
My son has just turned 19, he started putting me through child to parent abuse when he started high school (not that I knew it even existed but Iv slowly learned thats what it was) he never liked the word NO or being told he couldnt do something and started to rebel. He was obsessed with his phone, social media & girls and nothing and no one was going to stop him. He ran away down country 4 x to meet girls on line that he didnt know etc. Every time I tried to discipline him he would kick off, calling me names, throwing things, punching holes in walls and his bedroom door, then the violence started with "a push" to the point I spent every waking minute walking on egg shells with him.
I tried for years to get him help, begging professionals from Early Years, child services, CYPS and eventually having a Child to Parent Violence officer. He would not engage with any of them and they just kept referring him to "the next professional".
He turned 18 in 2024 and after that all professionals ceased contact with him and told me they could not help as he was now an adult. I may as well have been knocking my head against a brick wall.
Fast forward to Christmas 2024 and he got very drunk and threatened my husband and I with a knife. My neighbours called the police as and I have now not seen my son for 10 months. That was the 8th time in 13months the police had been called to our address due to Domestic Incidents from him. It went to court a few weeks ago and he was found Guilty of Assaulting me and of Criminal Damage and got an 18 month High Community Order and 18 Month restraining order.
I know that some mums, if this were their son would just turn their backs on them but I am not that mum, and this is killing me!! His birthday was last week and I cried the whole day and now I cant bare the thought of Christmas (Its always been my favourite time of year) without him or seeing him or being able to speak to him.
My son is not all bad, he can be the most sweetest, thoughtful person!
He has now moved to another town with girlfriend/Fiance number 100000, and I have heard on the grapevine that he doesn't treat her well, doesn't get out of bed all day and is living off Universal credit! This is not the way myself and his dad brought him up, we have worked all our lives, given him a loving, clean home and even after separating it was very amicable and we are still good friends.
My son is the first thing I think of when I wake up, and all day every day. Even after everything he has put me through I still love and miss him so much and I feel like I am a shadow of my former self, I have no motivation, burst into tears randomly all the time and at work. Im just broken.

Am I reading right that you and his dad separated/divorced at some point in his childhood? I have read and also have seen the effects of broken family, even if there is no anomosity. It seems some kids can weather it out; others seek out comfort in things like faith, but there are ones who are so affected that they cannot really recover completely from the end of the family unit as it was.

I have read some kids of divorce end up with behavioral problems, anxiety, depression, violent behaviors, lash out and never really are able to have meaningful relationships, as they see that relationships can be hurtful and abandoning. And substance abuse is common.

Brief examples in my family are 2 nephews who parents divorced in childhood; one was unaffected by the whole thing! He was literally fine about it.

He other found church and God, thank goodness he found something positive and helpful because he was a wreck when it happened although he was a much older kid.

But before he found that, he had many issues at school, of which they thought he had a mental disorder, ADHD. A doctor even diagnoised him... but medication didn't work so he ended up with some behavioral therapy , which did end up helping.

Again, childhood trauma manifests in so many different ways and is commonly a thing that gets misdiagnoised as a mental disorder because the symptoms are so similar.

Another example, my grandson is having behavioral issues at age 8, which started at age 3 and I can tell it's very much emotional and acting out.

He was fine until his dad left my daughter for another woman, quite suddenly, when my grandson was near 3 years old and even though they co -parent very well, my grandson had expressed many times to me he wished his parents were together, had nightmares and was very sad about it.

He used to cry, saying he wanted his "mama dada" when upset for a couple years, even when my daugther was right there comforting him. but now he doesn't say much anymore about it but he definately acts out, sometimes hitting kids at school or kicking teachers, and talks too much about killings. He becomes very upset at things most kids wouldnt'.

I see it for what it is, but my daughter is in denial and feels he is "on the spetrum" or Adhd, although there has yet to be testing.

She still has the instinct to protect her ex, despite what he's done to her, so she won't believe that his leaving has anything to do with my grandson's behaviors.

However I read that childhood trauma effects behaviors severe enough to be misdiagnoised as a mental or behavioral disorder.

I am not saying this is the problem with your son, however, there could very well be a chance he is disturbed about something in his life and is acting out; maybe deep down resents you or your new husband, etc.

Now, he could just be mentally ill but sometimes it doesn't hurt to consider a therapist who could perhaps find out if there are some life or trauma reasons for his behaviors.

If he's had substance abuse issues too, that certainly does not help his mental state but substance abuse is also common when there is childhood trauma.

I would consider some therapy to see if something can be uncovered. Sometimes there are reasons for the way people act. If it's something that can be helped, it would be worth a shot.

Thank you so much for all your kind words it really helps to read them and sit back and think I’m not alone.

It is a very difficult situation for you right now. But if you could come to see that letting him now be responsible for his own actions and not providing him with someone else to blame , is actually a loving thing to do, because you are not giving him an excuse to blame others. Also do remember to look at your daughter, who sounds a normal decent person. You brought her up too and she has turned out fine, so hopefully you can use this reassurance to yourself on your parenting skills. So in the same way as I am sure you did not let your son eat sweets from morning until night, while it is very hard to do, standing back and not letting him use you in any way, whether as an excuse for his own behaviour or blaming you for what has nothing to do with you, you know that the most loving thing is to let him come to the realization that all is not good, but that it has to come from him wanting change and learning where to look for appropriate help that is the right thing to do. Perhaps you could also decide on a small diary in which each day you could just write a couple of sentences stating what you wish you were doing with him that day, and if you have heard of anything happening record that. The ide is twofold. That you try to write your feelings and views down as they happen and then put the thoughts to one side and look at other things that are positive to do, and look at how your daughter is doing too. She really may need more support from you, because in the grief and upset you feel about your son, is she having very little attention from you on her own behalf, rather than the sister of the person causing all this misery? If you could spend a little time in a more positive way with her, and then perhaps try to improve things for yourself by setting small goals in the day. So for example you might decide that while you are preparing a meal and eating it, you will banish all thoughts of him and concentrate on the food in a "mindful" way. That sounds a bit fey, but I have found at times when for example I had to go for a hospital appointment, which I was frightened and knew it was going to be painful. Worrying about it and not sleeping did absolutely nothing to improve matters, but I found it difficult to do anything else. Baking something helped as there was both the physicallity of measuring ingredients and preparing it etc but trying hard to be aware of it all the time helped. Also a sort of little game I do play with myself is to not put the timer on when the cake is baking but be aware of the smell of it cooking etc., and I do find that I am quite good at knowing just the time to take it out when it smells right. If those do not help then you could try my mathematical solution. I use it when I cant sleep and thoughts keep coming into my head. So if you start at 1000 and count backwards in threes. If other thoughts come into your head and you lose your place go back to 1000. I find it is a good blocker of other thoughts rather than counting sheep. With that as some possible methods of distraction, perhaps you can also take consolation from the fact that there are many people whose children have caused them much misery , yet given time - which could be months or even years rather than days, things may alter for the better and with luck you may be able to regain the kind of relationship that you want. Sending you all best wishes and hoping that with the help of friends and your daughter you are able to remain strong and resolute, and be proud of your efforts.

Strugglingmum So sorry for your situation. I straightaway thought, as another has already said, about is he taking drugs, it certainly sounds that way. If he has been taking Skunk from a very young age, maybe 13yrs, it will effect the growth of his brain, make him paranoid, violet and lacking in empathy.

A mother will always love her child, no matter what, but you need to change your mindset, think about reuniting in a few years time, in the hope he will have come out of this pycotic episode in his life. He is a danger to you, his dad and probably the rest of the family, so you need to keep yourselves safe. There are sons that have killed their mothers in this situation!

The best thing you can do in these most painful circumstances for you and your son, is discipline your thinking so you actively divert your thoughts to something else , something other than your son. This will become easier as you practise it.

You have done your utmost, now stop obsessing about the problem . If you are religious then leave the problem to God.

This must be dreadful for you, but I do think it is clear that your son has a mental disorder of some kind.

Everything you write about is you and your DH seeking help for your son. Do you not think that the time has now come, in fact is long overdue, to seek help for yourself? Have you talked to your GP to get councilling and help?

I have done a google search and found, maybe you have to, that once a child is 18, there are no organisations established to help parents in that situation, until you are 55 plus, when it becomes elder abuse and organisations like Age Uk can help and council you.

It is totally inadequate, but all I can offer is sympathy.

You have been let down so much by people who should have helped you.

There is something you need to understand though. Everything is his responsibility now, his behaviour and seeking help. He is now an adult.

The courts have set a boundary for you, use this time to understand that his behaviour is not tolerable. There is no amount of good to a person that makes the bad acceptable.

It's time to get that help for yourself instead. For you to understand and process your feelings and also how to cope if in person visits happen again in the future. I personally would suggest neutral territories and places you can leave when you need to.

I know you love your son dearly but you cannot ever allow abuse or keep forgiving it. That would do him more harm than good and you deserve to be safe.

Strugglingmum, I 'm so sorry you are going through this? Just know, it's not your parenting. You have no other choice but to keep away. I tried for over 20 years with someone who has finally been diagnosed with BPD Everyone had to distance as he was ruining their lives, his own mother and father tried everything and had to walk away as they were advised to. I hung on putting up with the verbal abuse, he had times when he was living, then suddenly he would turn blaming all life's probems on me, then all good for a week or two. it made me ill and I had to go into hospital and was told to walk away the stress was too much, so I have, should have done it years ago but like you I love him but I had made no difference.
Your son is young, maybe he will change, but you need to let him do that on his own. It must be so worrying knowing how he is treating his girlfriend but you can do nothing, you must protect yourself and your husband.

💐

Struggling I know I would feel the same. My first thought was, is he taking drugs? I hope as he matures you can get your relationship back with him.

Just to add, I’m fortunate never to have been in this situation.

He’s still young and maturing, in time he may accept some responsibilities for his actions.

Out mental health systems are broken. Sadly we had to go privately for both our daughters (different conditions, different needs) and neither was able to get their diagnoses and help til their 20’s, however, both were willing to accept help, your son may not be ready for this.

You’ve not failed as a mum and I do wish you and him all the luck moving forwards.

Thank you for coming back Strugglingmum. Even if there's nothing more you feel you can say, we are here for you and there's a support thread on this forum where you will always find kindness and any support that we can give you .

Strugglingmum86

Thank you for your kind words of advise. The court issued a restraining order so he cannot come near me (this also kills me as there are days when I just want to go and speak to him or at least try then my family say not to do it) I wish I could beg him to get the help he needs but he will not take any responsibility at all and thinks he has done nothing wrong! It’s though he completely believes his own lies. Everyone said to me having him arrested would give him the shock he needed - that didn’t work! Then finally deciding enough was enough and supporting prosecution (which broke my heart) - that didn’t work, then finally him pleading guilty at the last minute before I was due to give evidence (thank god) but even that didn’t work as within an hour I was being told that he was still denying any responsibility to his Probation Officer despite just pleading guilty! I love him so much but he just cannot see how much he is hurting people.

Of course you want to speak to him and hug him and tell him you love him, but right now that can’t happen as much as this sounds counterintuitive for a loving mum, you know that no good can come of that right now.
Your son has issues that won’t go away unless he, as an adult, decides to do something about it. You and your DH did your best for him I’m sure but none of this is down to you is something he has to find a way to deal with.
Keep safe and I wish you all the best xx