not sure if this is the right place .. but anyway

Could the police do a welfare call? That might put your mind at rest

Hi op.
If you’ve been estranged for years how do you know so much about him? Like the state of his house etc?
But agree with Grandmabatt -,if I was that worried I’d call the police to check on him.

Hello Mary and welcome to GN. I hope that just posting here and off loading will be of some help.

Grandmabatty's suggestion of contacting the police and asking for a welfare check is an excellent idea. It could help to put your mind at rest, and I'm sure if you explain the situation they'll call round.

You haven't gone and on and even if you had, there's nothing to apologise for because that is what this estrangement forum is for.

Tell the police about your husband's medical condition because making a long drive is probably not advisable especially with the added stress of worrying about your son.

Please come back and let us know how things are; that you, your husband and your son are OK, or just come back because on this estrangement forum you will find parents who understand and do whatever they can to help and support you .

Or Adult Social care might be the people to call.

We went up after his partner died, to help him re-adjust and sort the house out etc. Got on ok for a couple of months then it fell apart again as he turned nasty and aggressive when we stopped handing out money.

Re the police, I know they break the door down if they don't get an answer - and the landlord would have a lot to say about that !

Sorry I'm answering out of context, will sort that next time. Yes def will come back and update, thank you xxx

I’d go along with the police too, unless you’re pretty certain he’ll be ok until you get there tomorrow? However, his welfare is surely worth more than a broken door and it might work out that your son accesses some much needed help. You might even find the landlord more sympathetic than you fear, if you step in and clear up a bit of the mess.

However, please do come back and update things. Good luck,

I called the Police a few months ago asking for a welfare check on a family member who had been ill and we could not contact. They advised that police do not do that and it would be an ambulance.

We called the police out when we couldn’t contact my aunt they went out and found her on the floor
Maybe it’s changed now or maybe it’s different in different areas but they certainly went out to check on her

Definitely ring the police and ask them to do a welfare check. It is part of their role. It's much safer for you to do that than expecting your sick and elderly husband to drive all that way. They will then have the contacts to point your son in the right direction for help - unfortunately their role these days involves a lot of social care, so they are used to these requests. Very best wishes, I can understand how worried and heartsick you must be.

When we tried to get the police to do a welfare check on my elderly brother last year they told us they no longer do welfare checks. That was Essex police so it might be different elsewhere.

I’m struggling to understand why you think making your son homeless by moving nearer to you would be an improvement on his present situation. You don’t want him too close to you so presumably are not planning to keep a close eye on him and provide day to day support.

From experience in trying to get help for someone in a different and rather dangerous situation I can tell you that practical help is very hard to get and impossible unless the person one feels is in need of help will accept it.

I think your best course of action might be to lodge a concern with adult social services. You can do it online. And go from there.

According to google Police still do welfare checks but may pass it to a more appropriate agency ie ambulance, mental health team to visit etc etc it advises to ring the none emergency police number to ask for help

Lovely messages and support, thank you all very much. Grannytomany - we'd be fine with him living down here and coming in for his dinner daily, helping us with shopping and stuff - just not moving in next door. He needs his space and we need ours. He's up near Edinburgh just now and we are in the rural Borders, which has a lot more in the way of supported tenancies etc. He grew up here, went to school here and lived here for over 30 years until he met his late partner.
We think today our younger son might take his dad up there, and that would be far better than him trying to drive while stressed etc. Will see what he says later, too early for anything just now just coffee!!

I hope that your younger son will be able to drive your husband to check on him Mary* and that that will to some extent put your minds at rest.

Husband and younger son went up there this morning. Came back in shock - house is a tip, livingroom is full of brown paper carrier bags from trhe food bank. And husband said "full". Can't see the carpet, all bags put down and left full of tins packets and worse still - loaves of bread. In between these are bags of rubbish and dirty plates - many of them. We don't know what to do - this must be mental illness, nobody wants to live like that.
The good bit is that Kevin looks and sounds ok, was very happy to see them, and all three of them cuddled. But what on earth to do next? When they knocked at the door the house was in darknessbt they heard a tv. As soon as they knocked the tv went off, and they had to really bang on the door for ages before he answered. He said he thought it was the cops- that's why he answered! I'd appreciate advice please girls, this is mental illness or weirdness outwith my experience xx

Thank goodness he looks and sounds alright and was happy to see them Mary.

As for his living conditions, this is how my brother was and probably is still living. We are no longer have contact because he'd turned my mother's house into what you've described and because she was unwell with mental health issues, I contacted adult social services.

I never heard from my brother again but know I did the right thing for mum because there was some small improvement in her living conditions.

You say nobody wants to live like that and yet they do.

What's important for now is that you know he's OK and he opened the door to his dad and brother. The only reason I discovered how bad things were for my mum was because a neighbour contacted me. I went round and he wasn't there. If he had been he wouldn't have let me through the door because he hadn't done so for many months.

Gosh at least he answered and spoke to them. You are right this is mental illness and he needs help.

If you type the phrase below into Google search you get lots of information about the various services etc. available in Scotland. You should then be able to ring them or email and ask for advice on how to help him/how to get help for him/ how to communicate with him to get him to ask for and accept help etc. As an adult he cannot be forced into anything unless he is a danger to himself or others but they should be able to advise on steps forward for you and for him if he engages. In your shoes I think I would ring them all to see what they come up with. This is so hard for you; I am so sorry 💐

Phrase to type in:

"Scotland - what to do to get help for a mentally ill isolated adult"

That's good advice Madgran but I urge Mary to be very careful about how this is handled as they don't want him to feel he's being judged or pressurised in any way in case he stops communicating.

Smileless2012

That's good advice Madgran but I urge Mary to be very careful about how this is handled as they don't want him to feel he's being judged or pressurised in any way in case he stops communicating.

Yes I do agree Smileless. Its difficult isnt it to know the right thing to do and so hard when so far away so cant regularly touch base to check out what is happening and how he is

Smileless thank you for that! It sort of helps to know that he isn't the only one and we aren't the only family that's going through this - although I'm sorry for you xx
Madgran I will def read up on this - am interested in the "how to communicate with him" bit because that's what caused trouble before for us.

Please feel free to private message me if you think that may help Mary.

MaryemBop I’m so sorry, this situation is incredibly difficult for you. Your son certainly sounds as though he is experiencing some severe psychological issues and could do with some help. Depression is so tough and so hard to pull yourself back from, without any support, and he won’t be thinking rationally about life while he is suffering from it. Madgran77 is absolutely right about finding out the options for help local to your son, and to get advice on what you can do to help. You could also call the Samaritans or Mind for advice. As an adult, he would need to agree to any kind of intervention (unless he is deemed not to have full mental capacity) , but that again is something they can advise you on. I wish you luck in such a distressing situation

TY stillawipp - it's not something I thought would happen to me in my mid 70s!