Estrangement

Estrangement was the reason I came to this site and the unexpected nasty responses the reason I left and didn't return until the estrangement was (thankfully) over.

People are complex and so are relationships- these things are never so black and white as some might have you believe.

All I can say is it is far more common than you realise and some can deal with it better than others.

It is also not an exact science, so reconciliation does happen, but you tend not to hear so much about that.

Hello Patsy and a warm welcome to the estrangement forum.

I'm sorry that there have been some unpleasant responses, I missed them as they'd already been deleted (thank you GN ) and I hope that if you saw them, you'll ignore them.

Take a look at the support thread as suggested by Whiff. Thankfully we get very little trouble there so it really is a safe place for you to find support and friendship.

How do you get through the anger and grief? By taking each day as it comes, by riding the waves as they come because that's all you can do and understanding that estrangement is a living bereavement, as we grieve for those we have lost but are still living.

Just as we grieve for what might have been when there's a death, the estranged grieve for the relationship they thought they would have with their adult child and grand children. We grieve for what we will never have and it's perfectly understandable to be angry at what's been taken from us.

Knowing that you are not alone was for me very important because when this happens you really do believe that it must be your fault, and the guilt and shame often prevents us from telling anyone what's happened, even to strangers on the internet so well done, for having the courage to post here .

However hurt I have been I have never been unkind as these trolls are. They want to hurt an already grieving person, thats very low indeed. Shame on them.
It is like a punch in the stomach, no one can explain the mixture of emotions when the unthinkable happens and that child you love, bins you, you feel a failure and so much more you beat yourself up.
On here there are people who truly understand and support you. Kind and funny people who have bad days for sure but eventually fewer.
I would like to thank Gransnet for dealing with the trolls now so quickly.

I recommend finding an outlet for those emotions. Allow yourself to actually grieve for the lost relationship. When you feel it bubbling up, let it come out. Lots of people use journaling or art as an outlet for emotions.

Shoving emotions down doesn't actually rid you of them. You need to go through it to get past it. That's the key to eventually moving on and being at peace with what happened.

I've moved on emotionally since I estranged my parents and I really had to allow myself to go through it since my tendency has always been to bottle it up. It's not a pleasant experience but the relief when you're done is so rewarding.

Good luck.

And to the troll who keeps being deleted, it sounds like you need to deal with the anger in you as well. This isn't a way to do that.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Troll reported.
Same post different name. Not very clever.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Troll reported

Hi there, & I’m so sorry that you have found yourself in this position. Were you told the reasons for the estrangement (i’m not asking what they were) - is there anything from that you can work on to understand things a bit better? And I would always recommend talking to a professional counsellor to help you work through any grief or anger

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Agree with whiff, the support and friendship thread gives advice from parents/grandparents who have all experienced estrangement and survived.
I owe a lot to regulars on that thread.
So sorry you are going through this.
🌹❤️

Patsylarkdayglow join the support thread . I joined them when my son estranged me 5 years ago . They have been a lifeline for me . Some on their it's been 12-13 years since their estrangement. Estrangement is called a living grief . Please join the support thread as unfortunately when new people post a new thread the nasty posters come out of the wooden work . And they always blame estrangement on the parent or parents . Plus they will ask intrusive questions. The support thread isn't like that . I don't want you hurt by some of the usual nasties plus the trolls will appear . But many old hands on GN report them and they are gotten rid of . If anyone attacks you just go on desktop site and report them . Don't engage with them as it will only encourage them .

I have – or, maybe, had – one sister. I have no idea whether she is still alive – she would be 80 years old now – or where she is. We have been estranged, although I don't really know why, for decades. I emigrated to New Zealand 12 years ago to be with my only daughter and her family. Best thing I ever did.

Hi Patsy -
I'm wide awake at 3.45 and I doubt if I'll get back to sleep.
Part of being awake is because I don't feel 100 % and I'm wondering if I have the energy for church and the mountain of chores that I need to do .

I don't know how anyone comes to terms with estrangement.
One is for sure -you are one of many of this growing epidemic.

A drcade ago ,I got to know a friend of my Mum's .
One Sunday,
her son turned up with a small box of chocolates .As his kids and their ice cold mother sat in the car -he told her that they were off to the airport as they were emigrating to Australia.
She hasn't heard from them since.

Every one has sympathised and thought ,thank the Lord that it won't happen to me .

But it does .

It's very cruel not to know what you actually did wrong .
And how to fix it .
You agonise over it.
It's horrendous when people ask you how are spending Christmas when you know it's going to be another one alone.
If they don't really know you it's ghastly explaining or avoiding explaining that you don't see your son or daughter and you don't know why.
You look back on what you thought was a happy childhood.
You browse websites for advice.

If you have an address observe occasions such as birthdays and Christmas with a card and a small gift if you can so you remind them of your existence.
Otherwise,fill you life with the things that you always wanted to do.

I go to church and I pray several times a day .I'm hoping for a miracle.
I hope and pray that there's going to be a miracle for you .