Son wishes us an isolated, lonely old age

The OP has apologised theworriedwell.

I agree that a step back would be the best approach BlueBelle.
If there's any more to the story and Gooi wants us to know, no doubt she'll tell us.

Of course it doesn’t excuse it Smileless but I m looking for a reason FOUR months later to send a offensive message with no correlation to the original worries / concerns which were at worst said clumsily and not really posters business

There’s really nothing to suggest the two things even fit together maybe there is a lot more to it
Is he even with the girl???
Poster says she’s had years of troubles with this adult child so is this the worst ??
My advice is to leave it be and try not to dwell on it

Smileless2012

He hadn't started seeing her and was only thinking about doing do so. Even if her son did find her comments offensive, that doesn't excuse his message.

Well it was offensive, judging her because she's Asian? Maybe he was totally shocked at what she said, maybe it was one more racist comment in a long line of such comments.

All OP can do is accept she was out of line and apologise. Hopefully he will forgive her.

He hadn't started seeing her and was only thinking about doing do so. Even if her son did find her comments offensive, that doesn't excuse his message.

I can understand why your comments were offensive.

Gooi2026
Can you come back and explain how come you got that message 4 months after your altercation it also seems out of context with the original problem ….if it was a problem
Do you mean
You offered a bit of advice that didn’t go down well then 4 months later out of the blue you got an abusive message With no context Had you had contact inbetween the first unwanted advice and the abusive message ??

I wouldn’t worry too much if he’s with the unknown partner and hopefully happy that’s great I d just stick to birthday and Christmas cards if you have his address if you don’t them just good wishes to them both on WhatsApp and wait and see
Hopefully he’s settled and happy and in time you ll have a bit better relationship, don’t dwell over it, words hurt but often said without thought or meaning

Unless of course there has been more we don’t know about

OP, my apologies for digressing from your question - yes, many of us have had the same experience, and it is heartbreaking. I wish you well and hope that in time you will all be able to reconcile.

Stillawhip, you have obviously suffered estrangement and reconciled, but not everyone is like you. Peoples experiences vary. no one should take abuse. Verbal or physical.
I would leave him to it. You do not need to put up with it any more. You and your husband start living the life you deserve and leave him to it and don't be available..

Surprised and disappointed to have read your post @ 12.58 stillawipp . I've just read through the thread you referred too and didn't see any shouting down from EP's .

He now send us a whatsapp message 4 months later to say he wishes us a lonely isolated old age with no one around us. I find this so hateful and it is upsetting but it is just one incident in a long line of problems.

Anyone experienced such a thing? We really had no intention to upset him, we were just being protective and had I had known he was already serious I would not had said anything. My mistake, I already apologised but it just doesn't sink in and after this I have no intention of apologising again.

The relationship is so emotionally draining, we are never good enough and always in the wrong no matter what we do or don't do or say. We just can't continue as a discussion is not possible and this all happens over whatsapp.

Nothing to do with ADD or ADHD, in my opinion.

Perhaps it may be best to wait in silence?

There's no need to be so cruel Littleannie. Sometimes those who estrange us show us that our lives can be more peaceful without them, despite the pain that being estranged brings .

Thank you for all of your support kind words and tips. It really helps.

Really sorry to hear that Annie, it must have been devastating.

BlueBelle you’re very kind, thank you

Stillawipp every case has hope and you said nothing wrong Every case is different Don’t worry

Sure. I was really wanting to offer hope to those in despair, to let them know that reconciliation can happen in some cases, but I can see how some may take it otherwise - thank you Babs03 for explaining it kindly.

I didn’t actually take that from it stillawipp but I think it would be easy to do for those in despair. I actually have come out the other side and we are living our lives the best we can. But I know there are those in a very dark place, as we were years ago.

Thank you Babs03, it was just intended to illustrate that there could be an alternative ending to estrangement, to give hope to those newly estranged, rather than another one on how to get on with life coping with estrangement - certainly not a brag about how well things turned out for me, that would have been so insensitive and unkind, & I would certainly hope I’m not that. My apologies if you took that from it.

@stillawip you had good intentions with your thread, no doubt, but for those going through bitter estrangements, some for many years, it is very hard to hear someone saying that what worked for them could work for others - am not even sure that is accurate you will know better- but that is what I fear people took away from it, and you know how deep those cuts go, maybe a positive thread like yours would have fared much better on the relationship forum because people coming onto any support forum need exactly that - support and sympathy rather than an upbeat thread saying how well things turned out for you, which is worth celebrating, but perhaps not on here.

“ Those where it all goes right have no need to start threads on GN discussing this problem.”
I have tried! I tried to start a thread of positivity & successful reconciliations, to give people hope, but sadly it was rather shouted down by those still estranged, saying “yes, but it’s not like that for everyone” people, so I gave up!

Littleannie

On Mother's Day a few years ago my son sent me a text which read " Why don't you die Mother. The sooner you are dead the better as nobody will miss you". So I know how you feel Gooi2026. Change your will and ignore him, it's his loss. Enjoy your life.

Honestly this is just horrible, you must have been totally devastated. Sadly is not as uncommon as some might think. A few years ago our estranged daughter bumped into erstwhile friends of ours whom we hadn’t been in contact with for years and told them we were dead. We then bumped into them some time later and they looked like they had seen a ghost, which is hardly surprising. It still stings.
But we get on with our lives regardless as am sure you do.

BlueBelle

Please don’t suggest all ‘only’ children have blessed lives with everything falling at their feet
Everyone with ADHD is different his way of reacting won’t be the same as Monica’s or anyone else’s It might even have been his idea of a joke or not meant in the way you took it or meant for a different reason altogether

I don’t understand why he would send a message 4 months later if you haven’t discussed the new girlfriend since the start Is he even with her, the last you reported is he said he ‘might be’ dating a girl from outside his country?
It’s all a bit weird and not at all straight forward

Bluebelle I never have and never will suggest that all only children lead blessed lives. I am married to an only son, his parents were well off enough to do no more than ensure he had a good upbringing and a good (state ) education.

But on GN we see so many cases like this, parents who have indulged children and are then upset when their entitled child turns on them. Those where it all goes right have no need to start threads on GN discussing this problem.

That's an awful message to get on Mothers Day littleAnnie I can only imagine how hurt you were. Enjoy your life now with friends and other family.
I'm sorry this happened to you as well Gooi2026 seems we are so often walking on eggshells with our adult children. I wouldn’t send any messages just get on with your life and enjoy it.

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I would put it down to his ADHD. He probably has no clue how he has hurt you - just spouted out what happened to be in his mind at that moment. You did the right thing, you were trying to protect him. Hopefully he will change his attitude soon and make contact. Don’t blame yourself . 💐