Son wishes us an isolated, lonely old age

What a horrible thing to say Gooi .

You expressed your concerns when he was thinking of dating this woman, so you've done nothing wrong; they weren't in a relationship at the time and you have now apologised.

You say your relationship with him is emotionally draining and that you are never good enough so maybe this is the time to take a step back and leave him to get on with his life so you can get on with yours.

My advice is to not respond to the watsapp message. Wait and see if he contacts you again and if he is pleasant respond, if not then tell him you wont be responding to any messages that are unpleasant.

As he’s an adult it’s a shame you offered any advice about his current or future partners that has obviously put his back up
I m sure they were just words he said and he doesn’t really wish you a difficult life ahead, he’s just saying things to hurt and show you he was upset by your remarks, however innocent.
Don’t dwell on it I don’t think you should apologise any more you obviously said sorry once and that’s enough Take a step back he’s an adult you ve done what you can in bringing him up and bought him an apartment that’s more than enough Leave it, you say ‘we’ so presumably you have a husband enjoy your life together and try not to think about it or react to it any more
He’s a man your job is over

I’m so sorry, that was horrible. You did nothing wrong - your precautionary words were not at all out of place.

With his outlook, it's hard to imagine he can manage relations with colleagues or bosses, so is he working? If not, he'll come back to the Bank of Mum and Dad when he can't pay his Ctax, fuel bills and maintaining his new lady friend.

I'd be tempted to reply

"Hi Son,
We appreciate the heads- up on your future plans.
That has certainly cleared the air. Now we know where we all stamd, Dad and I have re-written our Wills accordingly. Now we're off to spend spend spend it all and have a great time with some new friends we met online. Byeee."

Butterandjam
I might have phrased it differently, but yes, informing him that we have accepted he wants nothing to do with us as we get older and we have made our plans accordingly sounds sensible.

You have done the best you can in trying to bring him up despite his problems. He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his behaviour. Please take advantage of this time in your lives and spend time and energy on activities that give you happiness and pleasure. Don’t dwell on the negative - think positive.

Am so sorry, that was a very nasty thing for your son to say. As parents you have tried your best, even bought your son a flat, and am sure it hasn’t been easy with his mental health issues.
With regard to his new girlfriend perhaps you could have voiced your concerns better but as parents you were worried about your son being sucked into a relationship that wasn’t going to be a positive in his life.
You apologised and that should have drawn a line under things
Would step back and let him get on with things whilst getting on with your own life, you have raised him and housed him and that is quite enough. He is now responsible for his new life with his new girlfriend.
Would let him contact you.
All the best with this 🌹🙏🏾

On Mother's Day a few years ago my son sent me a text which read " Why don't you die Mother. The sooner you are dead the better as nobody will miss you". So I know how you feel Gooi2026. Change your will and ignore him, it's his loss. Enjoy your life.

What a very sad situation and a pity that you haven't been able to see your son and discuss these issues face to face.

I would send a similar message as has been suggested but I might turn the issue back on him and remind him that he will also be alone and isolated as he has rejected his main supporters i.e. his parents.

Mollygo

Butterandjam
I might have phrased it differently, but yes, informing him that we have accepted he wants nothing to do with us as we get older and we have made our plans accordingly sounds sensible.

ADHD is no excuse for behaviour like this. I, my son and grandson have ADHD, I certainly would not behave like this, nor do I think DS or DGS would either.

Your son is obviously an only child. You saying that you bought him an appartment, rather than just giving hi a deposit or a contribution, suggests that, as an only child, he has been the centre of your lives and you have done your best to see he lacks nothing, a fully understanable attitude. the problem is the child, who has lacked for nothing, especially attention grows up into an entitled adult who expects their parents to continue to run round after them and provide everything needful in life - like owningbtheir own flat.

When for any reason their parents do or say anything that isn't immediately supportive they over react the way this man has because they see that warning as a sign that their parents do not love them anymore. Because love is equated with support in everyway, all the time.

I am with others, this remark was devastating. Personally, I would just ignore it and not respond. It makes the journey back together easier, but perhaps you need to reassess your relationship with your son. be less willing to support his every need. Expect him to make his own way in the world.

Mollygo suggested reply if and when a reply is needed strikes me as hitting the right note. Your son needs to loose has sense of entitlement.

That's a vile thing to say to anyone.
He can't be happy.
A happy person would never write like that.
Leave it a while and maybe, just maybe, he will thankyou for your wisdom and apologise.

Please don’t suggest all ‘only’ children have blessed lives with everything falling at their feet
Everyone with ADHD is different his way of reacting won’t be the same as Monica’s or anyone else’s It might even have been his idea of a joke or not meant in the way you took it or meant for a different reason altogether

I don’t understand why he would send a message 4 months later if you haven’t discussed the new girlfriend since the start Is he even with her, the last you reported is he said he ‘might be’ dating a girl from outside his country?
It’s all a bit weird and not at all straight forward

I would put it down to his ADHD. He probably has no clue how he has hurt you - just spouted out what happened to be in his mind at that moment. You did the right thing, you were trying to protect him. Hopefully he will change his attitude soon and make contact. Don’t blame yourself . 💐

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That's an awful message to get on Mothers Day littleAnnie I can only imagine how hurt you were. Enjoy your life now with friends and other family.
I'm sorry this happened to you as well Gooi2026 seems we are so often walking on eggshells with our adult children. I wouldn’t send any messages just get on with your life and enjoy it.

BlueBelle

Please don’t suggest all ‘only’ children have blessed lives with everything falling at their feet
Everyone with ADHD is different his way of reacting won’t be the same as Monica’s or anyone else’s It might even have been his idea of a joke or not meant in the way you took it or meant for a different reason altogether

I don’t understand why he would send a message 4 months later if you haven’t discussed the new girlfriend since the start Is he even with her, the last you reported is he said he ‘might be’ dating a girl from outside his country?
It’s all a bit weird and not at all straight forward

Bluebelle I never have and never will suggest that all only children lead blessed lives. I am married to an only son, his parents were well off enough to do no more than ensure he had a good upbringing and a good (state ) education.

But on GN we see so many cases like this, parents who have indulged children and are then upset when their entitled child turns on them. Those where it all goes right have no need to start threads on GN discussing this problem.

Littleannie

On Mother's Day a few years ago my son sent me a text which read " Why don't you die Mother. The sooner you are dead the better as nobody will miss you". So I know how you feel Gooi2026. Change your will and ignore him, it's his loss. Enjoy your life.

Honestly this is just horrible, you must have been totally devastated. Sadly is not as uncommon as some might think. A few years ago our estranged daughter bumped into erstwhile friends of ours whom we hadn’t been in contact with for years and told them we were dead. We then bumped into them some time later and they looked like they had seen a ghost, which is hardly surprising. It still stings.
But we get on with our lives regardless as am sure you do.

“ Those where it all goes right have no need to start threads on GN discussing this problem.”
I have tried! I tried to start a thread of positivity & successful reconciliations, to give people hope, but sadly it was rather shouted down by those still estranged, saying “yes, but it’s not like that for everyone” people, so I gave up!

@stillawip you had good intentions with your thread, no doubt, but for those going through bitter estrangements, some for many years, it is very hard to hear someone saying that what worked for them could work for others - am not even sure that is accurate you will know better- but that is what I fear people took away from it, and you know how deep those cuts go, maybe a positive thread like yours would have fared much better on the relationship forum because people coming onto any support forum need exactly that - support and sympathy rather than an upbeat thread saying how well things turned out for you, which is worth celebrating, but perhaps not on here.

Thank you Babs03, it was just intended to illustrate that there could be an alternative ending to estrangement, to give hope to those newly estranged, rather than another one on how to get on with life coping with estrangement - certainly not a brag about how well things turned out for me, that would have been so insensitive and unkind, & I would certainly hope I’m not that. My apologies if you took that from it.

I didn’t actually take that from it stillawipp but I think it would be easy to do for those in despair. I actually have come out the other side and we are living our lives the best we can. But I know there are those in a very dark place, as we were years ago.

Sure. I was really wanting to offer hope to those in despair, to let them know that reconciliation can happen in some cases, but I can see how some may take it otherwise - thank you Babs03 for explaining it kindly.

Stillawipp every case has hope and you said nothing wrong Every case is different Don’t worry

BlueBelle you’re very kind, thank you