Son wishes us an isolated, lonely old age

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You are very understanding Bluebell, its amazing how many people think that people with a mental illness choose to be like they are. Its like telling a person who cannot walk to snap out of it and make some effort. However, I do understand how people cannot cope with it and walk away.

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It’s so difficult Allsorts I feel for you I don’t have this problem but I can understand it so well from both sides To understand what comes out of their mouth is not necessarily how they see you or mean it to be, but in the meantime heartbreak for a mum hoping and expecting a normal loving response.
I expect the words the young man wrote were forgotten the minute they were written

It’s not only about loving but more importantly understanding a brain that works in a totally different way to what is considered ‘normal’
I think the original poster is not realising that and taken the words perhaps more literally than was intended
Like when an 8 year old in a temper says ‘I hate you ‘ when of course what they meant to say was ‘I really don’t agree with what you just said’

I think a lot of answers on here are not taking into consideration that this son has ADHD and maybe other mental health issues which can cause a brain to see and react differently to others not within the same constraints

He has OCD and ADHD, probably BPD, this behaviour is typical. As they get older many get worse and they tend to isolate and drive everyone away. There may be those that don’t. I am the last one left standing because my family member has driven everyone away. They do not get the help they need, the doctors do not seem to care. I see my FM when he's being reasonable, he has a caring side and is very intelligent, he has trigger points which I avoid, then he has a quite manic period, he says dreadful things, whatever I say is wrong and everything is my fault, I do not shout back, tell him when he's ready to talk I am here. More verbal abuse. So then he blocks me, sometimes for weeks, very often months, my life is so much easier then and I cannot tell you how much easier if I walked away.but I don’t as he just has me and he is so unhappy inside. Dread what will happen to him when I am not here he will have no one. You do not choose to be like the tortured soles they are. The family are the victims too so no wonder many cannot cope. Everyone tells me how its affected me and I tell them I will not ever turn my back on him just have distances. Eventual he gets in touch, usually some grand gesture, apologises and here we go again.
I know lots of lovely adult caring children, so this isn't the norm. Its mental illness.

Gooi2026

We bought our adult son an appartment that he moved in in January, we have been trying to see him all year. He has ADHD and had OCD when younger and we struggled raising him.
He told us in the summer, via whatsapp that he was thinking of dating a woman from Asia, I told him fine but he should know about her background and why she is in the country and I also warned him there is a lot of dating fraude going on, we are not racist but what he told was so vague.

He now send us a whatsapp message 4 months later to say he wishes us a lonely isolated old age with no one around us. I find this so hateful and it is upsetting but it is just one incident in a long line of problems.

Anyone experienced such a thing? We really had no intention to upset him, we were just being protective and had I had known he was already serious I would not had said anything. My mistake, I already apologised but it just doesn't sink in and after this I have no intention of apologising again.

The relationship is so emotionally draining, we are never good enough and always in the wrong no matter what we do or don't do or say. We just can't continue as a discussion is not possible and this all happens over whatsapp.

How absolutely horrible! I am seeing a pattern of parents who give, give and give, try to be helpful and somehow become the bad guy when they do the offense of having a personal concern or opinion!

Ungrateful selfish adult children. So heartless.

Yet I notice the adult kids of parents who kinda go their own way and not really care what happens once their children are grown seem to get more attention. The adult children are so needy with those parents.

I've read of even abusive parents getting a second chance! Why them?

But the most loving and giving? It's a crap shoot. Alot depends on other's; if others are possessive or jealous that your child has a great parent, they talk down the parents until the adult child, not wanting to look uncool or not fit in with the wanted friends or family, decide those friends are right.

Friends seem to be able to decide if their childhoods were good or bad too. Which is amazing ......because they weren't there.

It can be friend's influence OR a lover or spouse. Sounds like in your case, he got serious and is now defending his love's "honor", if you will.

Well, he deserves for that relationship to implode someday and if it does, do not support him. Let him suffer like he's let you over such a minor unintentional thing for god's sake!

He sounds heartless. But he's typical of today's adult children. The good adult kids are fading into the dinosaur era.

Sadly, I think you're right Allsorts .

Anyone that says such vile things has a big problem that you can't solve.

Send him an invoice for the flat.

Crossstitchfan

The OP came on here with valid concerns and lots of us tried to help.
The OP hasn’t bothered to respond to anything that’s been said, and I find this quite often happens.
Sometimes I wonder why we bother, I really do. It is so rude on the part of the OP.

A new poster.

Perhaps another new poster with a family problem who didn't hear what she hoped to hear and has gone.

Thank you for the reply but I'm not sure it has any relevance to myself in particular. Safely ignored?

We don't know that this woman is the OP's son's partner InRainbows and it doesn't look as if the OP knows either. He was at the time thinking about dating her.

It really would be a lot more beneficial to the OP if responses were based on what we've been told and not what some are making up.

I do agree with you when you talk about hating the behaviour not the child but that's not what the OP's doing. I think in this case it's more appropriate to talk about hating the behaviour and not the parent.

Unfortunately so many people have preconceived ideas about different cultures and don't realise how much harm they cause in situations like this.

I'm not sure what happened in those 4 months but it seems to be enough that a son has decided to protect his partner from such views from his own close family.

I can only imagine how much pain someone must be in to lash out with words like that and while his reply is not acceptable in the slightest, it is always reasonable to hate the behaviour not the child and that involves understanding what led to that behaviour in the first place.

None of us are in a position to judge and yet some appear very quick to do so Babs .

I hope the OP does come back. None of us are in a position to judge and she is under no obligation to justify herself.
This is a support forum not the News&Politics forum.

Smileless2012

Well TBF Crossstitchfan while I agree that it's a shame she hasn't been back, I can't say I'm surprised bearing in mind some of the responses she's had.

Accusations of racism are very unpleasant and this is someone who is new to GN and who came with as you say ^valid concerns^; she may have left.

I think it makes sense if you consider the history of the relationship BlueBelle and that the OP had been struggling to see her son before the wattsapp message and her response to it.

I agree with this.
The OP may have made a regrettable remark but apologised and in most cases that would be enough for the parent/son relationship to recover and carry on. However, despite the parents providing a flat for their son I feel that the relationship must have already been a tricky one.
Most families muddle through despite occasional spats or regrettable remarks, but for some the AC would probably find a reason to cut off or say something dreadful without the parent saying anything regrettable at all though in this case that can be weaponised by the son regardless of any apologies.
We all make mistakes but not all of us are put through the wringer by a loved one for it.

Well TBF Crossstitchfan while I agree that it's a shame she hasn't been back, I can't say I'm surprised bearing in mind some of the responses she's had.

Accusations of racism are very unpleasant and this is someone who is new to GN and who came with as you say ^valid concerns^; she may have left.

I think it makes sense if you consider the history of the relationship BlueBelle and that the OP had been struggling to see her son before the wattsapp message and her response to it.

The OP came on here with valid concerns and lots of us tried to help.
The OP hasn’t bothered to respond to anything that’s been said, and I find this quite often happens.
Sometimes I wonder why we bother, I really do. It is so rude on the part of the OP.

I posted earlier what a sad world it is when a parent can't give advice to their AC
Well we re just repeating ourselves Smileless as I said before of course they can give advise if it’s asked for, but not really wise if it’s not asked for and is in any way controversial
Anyway I m sure there’s lots more to this in between the first WhatsApp and the four months later one or else it makes no sense at all
But that we ll probably never know

I don't agree that it was an inappropriate comment and you do seem to be disregarding the difficulties the OP faces with her son Hithere.

Generally speaking, if a person has made an inappropriate comment such as this one about dating, this could not be an isolated incident.

"the son's principles" not his! Wish there was an edit button.

Pity his son's principles didn't extend to refusing a free apartment. If he generally finds his parents distasteful and controlling, then he shouldn't let them bank roll him. As for his mum's advice on the new girlfriend, I can see why it got his back up but I know for certain that most Asian families would question a future white Western daughter in law.

Smileless2012

I suggest that what must have been going on in the intervening 4 months Allira, was the continuation of a difficult relationship with his parents who struggle to see him.

Yes, it's not just the comment about dating.