Struggling with daughter’s health anxiety and the distance it’s creating

I'd be very wary about therapist blaming, unless the therapist really is not trained and fully registered adequately.

I've had so much help: I also trained myself a long time ago: parent blaming isn't part of any responsible therapists agenda.

I remember a friends' child blaming her father as being abusive, which I seriously more definitely did not occur - it was an angry hitting back out of the pain of the daughters Mental Health condition.

However, "stuff" does come out about ones childhood, if its deep psychotherapy, and sometimes it means stepping back to try and understand what made things be as they were, taking time out of intensive situations.

We have to remember that therapy can be life saving or enable someone very ill to live a more normal life, before we rule it out for anyone and everyone.

When a person is as ill as the OP's daughter I'd say, give it time.

There are also some Mental Health conditions that are not really helped by therapy, it's' not a cure all. A good and sensible psychiatrist as opposed to psychotherapist should be able to ID these situations, and an experienced therapist or counsellor should know when a psychiatrist referral is more appropriate

except people baulk at the idea of seeing one!

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User138562 Refuse to embrace the changing relationship and watch it continue to fall apart. A tale as old as time. Children become adults and their parents are decentered from their life, as they should be.

Indeed, AC shouldn't hold their parents as central to their lives. Family life changes, parents could be accepting of the new relationships.

People change, and sometimes things become more important in their life than you. Not every AC will call daily or weekly because everyone is different. Expecting that sets you up for failure and disappointment.

Refuse to embrace the changing relationship and watch it continue to fall apart. A tale as old as time. Children become adults and their parents are decentered from their life, as they should be.

I do think luck comes into it Starfire.

ES used to call me everyday, 13 years on it's still hard to believe we're estranged .

Manzana

I just wanted to leave a final message on this topic. I actually live in Spain, where mums are, for the most part, truly adored, and I think that probably makes all of this feel even harder for me.

But I’ll end by sharing something one of my students said recently. He’s 50 years old, and he told me that every day on his drive home from work, he calls his mother and father. Every single day. When I asked him why, he said, “Because one day they won’t be here.”

It reminded me how simple life can actually be, when we strip everything back.

What a beautiful person he is and his lucky parents. I say lucky, because it is luck. I have a friend who had 5 children. One of them thinks she was the worst mother on earth. The others are neutral and two of them actually treat her like gold. So, when it comes to how your kids treat you, is it from parenting or luck? She raised them all the same. I say luck.

Manzana

I just wanted to leave a final message on this topic. I actually live in Spain, where mums are, for the most part, truly adored, and I think that probably makes all of this feel even harder for me.

But I’ll end by sharing something one of my students said recently. He’s 50 years old, and he told me that every day on his drive home from work, he calls his mother and father. Every single day. When I asked him why, he said, “Because one day they won’t be here.”

It reminded me how simple life can actually be, when we strip everything back.

A lovely time after work, lucky him.

Manzana, wishing you and your daughter a peaceful, mutually acceptable, continued loving relationship! Happy holidays to your family

I just wanted to leave a final message on this topic. I actually live in Spain, where mums are, for the most part, truly adored, and I think that probably makes all of this feel even harder for me.

But I’ll end by sharing something one of my students said recently. He’s 50 years old, and he told me that every day on his drive home from work, he calls his mother and father. Every single day. When I asked him why, he said, “Because one day they won’t be here.”

It reminded me how simple life can actually be, when we strip everything back.

You are free to comment and give whatever “advice” you want, but please don’t police mine or anyone else’s. My advice is to the OP and it is given with the intent to help another mother avoid a rift. If your intent is to help the OP, stick with that. Starting a side debate because someone else’s opinion doesn’t falling in line with your opinion is not on. I don’t want to engage in a pointless side argument. The OP will not benefit from a derailed thread.

BlessedArt

Manzana

No, she is 35 years old, she has been independent since going to uni aged 18. We have had our normal ups and downs but have always overcome them and remained close. This feels different.

Different doesn’t necessarily mean bad or wrong. It doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. Change happens, especially when people become parents themselves. I always give new mums grace. I think I would be cautious about leaning into negativity or assuming the worst. If you are feeling distant, it can make you feel even worse to fixate on her boundaries as something problematic, rather than simply being what she needs to deal with whatever she has on her plate right now. Your daughter is addressing her mental health issues with a professional. That’s what she’s comfortable with at the moment. If you say she’s always been independent it may be that your expectations of what she shares may be mismatched for this point in her life. Going back to your original post, I still think the best way to cope is by not presenting her choice in what she does or doesn’t share as a problem to be fixed.

It’s easy to seek commiseration in moments of feeling low, but it doesn’t help to have others fuel fears. Instead, I’d have patience with her. You have already said you only want to support her and want her to feel safe. If this is your goal, you’re far more likely to sustain achievement of it by being patient than if you were to approach her with your dissatisfaction about what she neglects to share with you.

I'm sorry BlessedArt, but the OP is asking to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Not someone to come along and offer "therapy" advice.

You know nothing about the depth or the nature of the emotional tie between the OP and her daugher. You neither know the OP or her daughter, and yet you are reinforcing the very notions that cause a lot of unwelcome and unnecessary distress when strangers think they are qualified to lecture about relationships and "boundaries" by driving a wedge between loved ones.

That is not what counselling is about. Although it seems some counsellors think it is.

It makes me feel concerned about the qualifications the Therapist/ counsellor has, it seems anyone can set themselves up as a therapist these days you only have to look in magazines or newspaper to see people without the professional qualifications giving out advice, as a qualified mental health professional for over 30 years now retired I have seen what damage these unqualified individuals can cause

Manzana

No, she is 35 years old, she has been independent since going to uni aged 18. We have had our normal ups and downs but have always overcome them and remained close. This feels different.

Different doesn’t necessarily mean bad or wrong. It doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. Change happens, especially when people become parents themselves. I always give new mums grace. I think I would be cautious about leaning into negativity or assuming the worst. If you are feeling distant, it can make you feel even worse to fixate on her boundaries as something problematic, rather than simply being what she needs to deal with whatever she has on her plate right now. Your daughter is addressing her mental health issues with a professional. That’s what she’s comfortable with at the moment. If you say she’s always been independent it may be that your expectations of what she shares may be mismatched for this point in her life. Going back to your original post, I still think the best way to cope is by not presenting her choice in what she does or doesn’t share as a problem to be fixed.

It’s easy to seek commiseration in moments of feeling low, but it doesn’t help to have others fuel fears. Instead, I’d have patience with her. You have already said you only want to support her and want her to feel safe. If this is your goal, you’re far more likely to sustain achievement of it by being patient than if you were to approach her with your dissatisfaction about what she neglects to share with you.

ferry23

I too, have been on the receiving end of "therapy talk" given to my daughter about boundaries. And all the while I was completely oblivious to the fact that her marriage to the loveliest, kindest, most honourable man you could wish for had broken down, a divorce was almost finalised and she had moved in with a man 20 years older than herself - 5 years younger than me.

What was once a stable, loving, close and respectful mother/daughter relationshp is now a shadow of its former self. Because I dared ask her what was the problem and could I help in any way when she told me things in her marriage were a little "tricky".

So tread very carefully. I don't have problem with counselling but I have a problem with counsellors who feel it is their right to "warn" adult children about relationships they know nothing about.

The whole thing has broken my heart on so many levels - tread carefully Manzana, please don't let it happen to you.

THIS!!! Yes, I know what you are talking about. Same here.

The greatest guy in the world left my daughter while pregnant for a younger woman. She had therapy. So there's that. But even worse, so happened her sister in law is also her best friend who works with abused children....a bacholors degree in child behaviors is all she has, she is not a certified therapist but she thinks she is.

This sister in law friend claims her mom was a terrible mom and I think she's one of those who projects her own issues onto others.

My daughter and I were super close before she met this girl and perhaps there was an element of jealously there because I know her mom and although her mom loves her, she is more distant, less involved and doesn't bother with her drama. In other words, my world was my kids but her mom had other things in life.

Still, although I noticed changes in my daughter, once the sister in law moved away, seems we were just awesome, very close still.

Then the betrayal and now I think between the sister in law's unprofessional analysis of me plus the therapist, suddenly I'm a self serving, uncaring unsupportive mother.

I"m not sure then, why I dedicated my life so hard for my kids I gave up any chance of a career, constantly cared what was going on in their lives and didn't stop crying for my daughter's pain for a straight year. I even tried to convince my son in law to reconsider, yeah, I know, I actually thought I could get him away from a 20 something and back with my daughter. I forgot how some men in this life just carry lust as more important than love and family. I had developed faith in him too because I believed every wonderful thing my daughter kept telling me he was.

So now, I pretty much lost her. I think she sticks around because my husband has done well money wise in our later years; the young years were lean. Maybe she doesn't want to get cut out if we leave something. She has mentioned us getting a trust or something....now that could be because we are getting older and she is just giving casual advice, but who knows.

All I know is she's become very cruel and controlling, trying to make my grandkids think I'm not a good grandma but then they do seem to see I am. She critiques everything, criticizes everything and acts like she had a horrible childhood which a real joke to me. But it shows how grief and the power of suggestion at such times effect people's memories.

I am still not sure which it was, the therapist or the sister in law but I'm suspicious it was the sister in law that has convinced her.

I think I've conveyed to the sister in law that I finally realize what she's been doing. I unfriended her on Facebook abruptly after my daughter decided to accuse me of "predatory behavior" when her, at the time, 6 year old son said I was keeping a secret from her with him.

What secret?? Turns out, it was my grandson who got in trouble at school and when he told me, he asked ME "not to tell mom". I told him I don't need to tell mom, because the school called your mom already ( I found out they had). But he, at 6 years old, I guess since he thought I wasn't going to tell her, I was keeping a secret.

So that got misinterpreted and yet my daughter thought it was true and said it was like being a predator. So I knew where that terminology came from, obviously her sister in law's very unprofessional opinion of me.

There had been other instances that clued me in that my daughter was behaving as though I was some sort of threat to her happiness or some sort of influence on her kids, but I tried to just ignore it, since I knew her trauma over her husband's betrayal was and still is effecting her.

But that word predator just got to me. So insulting on a deep level. Which btw, in real predatory behavior, it's the predator who suggests secrecy, not the kid!!

Wild stuff I've been dealing with.

Now, after I unfriended her sister in law, you would think she's maybe inquire to me why, because we always used to communicate. She was aware of things I posted on facebook on my grandkids private page, and for awhile she thumbs upped them, which was unusual for her, so I think she was noticing we were not friends anymore.

The fact she never asked me why speaks volumes to me....she knows what she's done and that now I am finally aware of it.

So, I doubt she'll open her mouth anymore. But too late, damage is done.

I've lost the daughter I once had. I don't' like the replacement one at all. Too hurtful and mean.

But I put up with it to see the grandkids. Someday, I know, that will change as they grow up.

Then I don't think I'll stay part of her life, because I don't want the abuse anymore from her.

Sad, because I will always love her. But I just don't see myself spending my last time on earth being around someone who doesn't love me.

Manzana a relative of mine went through this, her daughter had a course of 16 sessions with a therapist.She became really bolshy with her parent, even tho said parent was driving her there and back to be helpful.This lasted for a few months and then slowly she thawed and things improved a lot for both of them.Parents always cop for it with therapy whether it’s their fault or not.

Manzana

No, she is 35 years old, she has been independent since going to uni aged 18. We have had our normal ups and downs but have always overcome them and remained close. This feels different.

I know exactly what you mean. My daughter left home to go to uni and never came back. She's travelled, has a successful career and we encouraged independence. All without these invisible "boundaries" that nobody had ever heard of until quite recently. Good parenting will include sensible parameters made either consciously or through instinct. I don't need a stranger to be interfering in, and ruining, my relationship with my daughter. Most people undertaking therapy will be vulnerable and looking for answers or direction. It's almost criminal to steer them or manipulate them away from loving family relationships of which they have only heard one side

Manzana

No, she is 35 years old, she has been independent since going to uni aged 18. We have had our normal ups and downs but have always overcome them and remained close. This feels different.

I trust your intuition, you know your daughter much better than anyone on this thread and so are more likely to know when something is ‘off’.
As I said keep channels of communication open and ask how you can help from afar if she doesn’t want any hands on help from you right now. I know it hurts, especially at this particular time when you want to celebrate the birth of your new grandchild but if you push things it could backfire.
Really feel for you 🙏🏾❤️

No, she is 35 years old, she has been independent since going to uni aged 18. We have had our normal ups and downs but have always overcome them and remained close. This feels different.

Manzana

I really appreciate all your viewpoints. I accept that it's going to take time and I just have to suffer it, as obviously I don't want to make it worse. She is my only child. He is my only grandchild. I feel things very deeply. So hard.

It’s not easy at all, especially after being so involved in so much of her life. Adjustments aren’t always easy! Your feelings aren’t wrong. Her feelings aren’t wrong either. Families evolve, and the adjustment to the evolution can be challenging. It doesn’t mean the evolution isn’t necessary or healthy. Healthy boundaries have a tendency to foster more independence. We need our children to be independent for their sake and the sake of their children. We won’t be here forever with them, so it’s not a bad thing at all for them spread their wings without us being so hands-on.

Part of the growth that comes from therapy is learning how to be your own person. Maybe you are seeing her growth.

I understand having the dynamic change can be hurtful, but from the way you describe things she was very dependent on you before. Maybe she wanted to learn how to stand on her own two feet. Sometimes you just have to dip the bandaid off and learn how to be independent.

I would respect her space for now and let that growth happen. If you support her in the way she needs now, she will thank you for it.

This doesn't sound like estrangement to me. It sounds like healthy development into an adult. You should be proud of that!

Most people on this board are anti-therapy but your daughter is clearly someone who needed it (I am also someone who needed it).

But I do agree the OP needs to tread carefully in order to see her daughter and grandchild.
Too late for us with our eldest daughter and GCs.

So sorry it happened to you ferry. I remember how my old mum would come down to mine to help out when I had the children, she would speak her mind on many things and not think anything of upbraiding my husband or myself but we knew she loved us dearly and would give her time generously even when not in the best of health. Now I miss her so much but comfort myself with the thought that we spent as much time together as possible making memories we cherish as well as our grandchildren.
Do these adult children not realise how short life is and how precious it is to include family members in their lives and grandchildren’s lives?
Boundaries apply to the title deeds of one’s house not to relationships with loved ones.
Afterall an adult child can just say when a parent over steps the mark and get it all out in the open, then move on, rather than putting boundaries between themselves and their loved ones which is hurtful and rather mean.

I too, have been on the receiving end of "therapy talk" given to my daughter about boundaries. And all the while I was completely oblivious to the fact that her marriage to the loveliest, kindest, most honourable man you could wish for had broken down, a divorce was almost finalised and she had moved in with a man 20 years older than herself - 5 years younger than me.

What was once a stable, loving, close and respectful mother/daughter relationshp is now a shadow of its former self. Because I dared ask her what was the problem and could I help in any way when she told me things in her marriage were a little "tricky".

So tread very carefully. I don't have problem with counselling but I have a problem with counsellors who feel it is their right to "warn" adult children about relationships they know nothing about.

The whole thing has broken my heart on so many levels - tread carefully Manzana, please don't let it happen to you.

I really appreciate all your viewpoints. I accept that it's going to take time and I just have to suffer it, as obviously I don't want to make it worse. She is my only child. He is my only grandchild. I feel things very deeply. So hard.