Struggling with daughter’s health anxiety and the distance it’s creating

It say more about the nature of the therapy to me than about healing of divisions.

I would advise giving your daughter time here. She is a mother with a new baby and needs support from those around her.

That you needed a photo suggests you are not nearby...

So sorry to hear this. But it may be, as I have seen for myself, that whether it's a therapist, or a close friend, whoever decides to attempt to help by analyzing your daughter, that the blame for it will end up on your shoulders.

It seems to always be this outcome; when an adult has a severe issue and seeks help/understanding, somehow either the present relationship with mom or the childhood upbringing end up being the "cause".

If you are the "cause", then the solution ends up being to put up walls, limit exposure, set "boundaries" as they call it but that is a twisted way to have a boundary, by punishing the very person who loves and understands you the most.

I mean, boundaries I believe , in the beginning, were supposed to be used in instances where someone is actually doing something harmful to you; but it seems these days it's just because. ...because you said something, or inadvertently did something, or were just simply around when things were going bad.

Just supporting your daughter shouldn't create a need for boundaries. But I suspect somehow, in our imperfect parenting world, the therapist pointed out something and aimed it right at you.

This is the flaw in therapy. When family members are part of the discussions, that family member should also be present to show their part from their perspective. I think that individual therapy may be good if it sticks to the individual but when they drag family into it as possible causes or triggers, it's really not the whole picture and I think therapists should sometimes insist on bringing in the family member for a few sessions to get the whole picture.

The flaw is, they never get the whole picture and then the assumptions begin. Once that happens, you are guilty without a trial or jury.

I agree with Starfire. And also is never advisable for a vulnerable young mother with mental health problems to be in touch with anyone other than her GP and any mental health services the GP recommends if your daughter is struggling with severe health anxiety - am wondering if this is OCD - which could have become worse after the birth, and obviously there is the risk of PND. A therapist is not clinically trained, many are not accredited and none are subject to the kind of checks other professionals have to regularly be held accountable to. There are good therapists but even a good therapist imho should not be involved with a new mum with such severe anxieties.
Would recommend you stay in touch but don’t over egg the pudding, ask how you can help but don’t insist, perhaps send some healthy ready meals, a Godsend to a new parent. And just repeat how much you love her and your new grandchild.
Be patient but vigilant and am sure that in time she will overcome how she is feeling right now.
Wishing you all the very best.
🙏🏾🌹

Thank you so much for your kind and understanding reply. It really does help to feel heard. I agree with everything you said (Starfire and Babs), and it means a lot to know that someone else can see how painful this is.

I keep trying to make sense of it all, but I can’t help feeling that this kind of total distancing… this communication death penalty… just doesn’t feel fair. The heartbreak of it is overwhelming at times.

Your words have given me a little comfort today, and I’m very grateful for that.

Setting boundaries is all the rage now. It usually ends in pain for those who are trying to be loving and to help.
Clearly there are toxic parents from whom it is wise to distance oneself. But the strategy is maybe becoming a bit of a knee perk reaction in therapy.
All you can do is make sure she knows how much you love her ... gently and consistently.
I am sending you a handhold. This must be so hard for you.

Jerk not perk.

Luckygirl13 is right when she says setting boundaries is all the rage now. I have seen my friend in exactly the same situation as the OP and it breaks her heart which is so unfair. I think it’s a control thing. As a mother of a daughter I have been blamed for a lot of things in the past including poking my nose into something - which I didn’t even know about! Girls are tricky and I hope this will pass which I expect it will. I can certainly understand how hurtful it is. It seems these days as if adult children hold all the cards and are heavily influenced by friends and by things they read online.

I think the best thing you can do is meet her where she is. By that I mean support her in whatever her desires are at the moment. You will hear many panning therapy, often from those who’ve never had it. But the truth is that centering your wants and needs to be kept in the loop about anything she is currently distancing about may only further her distance and for a much longer period of time than even she may have envisioned.

It’s always tempting to lean into advice that validates your wants, your feelings, despite what the other party feels and wants. But that isn’t a recipe for reconciliation or healing. It’s a recipe for furthering a rift or creating one.

Your post doesn’t read like your daughter cut you off. It reads like your daughter is on a journey of her own self-discovery and processing. Support her in whatever way you can, without pressuring her to prioritize your desire to return to old normal between you two.

Keep in mind that what she wants in terms of relationship between you two matters, and just because it’s not what you want doesn’t make her wrong or a villain. Sometimes our children want a different relationship than the one we want. Even when it hurts, that doesn’t make them wrong. Creating a villain of her therapist in your mind will create a more distance. The most loving thing you can do is give her the space she needs

* Just supporting your daughter shouldn't create a need for boundaries. But I suspect somehow, in our imperfect parenting world, the therapist pointed out something and aimed it right at you.*

A good therapist would not ‘ point something out’, and certainly wouldn’t ‘aim it’ at anyone, as they would be aware that they are only hearing one side of the story.

I think that when people go through “big emotional transitions” they quite often distance themselves from those who love them the most, whether it is becoming a mother themselves, a bereavement, severe illness or some other coming to terms with a life they don’t know how to manage.

It’s hard to explain but the care and love and worry that the person who loves you will bring to the situation is just one more thing that you can’t deal with because you love them too and can’t, at that time, handle their care and love and worry, as well trying to handle your own.

I have experienced this myself when my husband died and had to make space from the person who most wanted to shower me with love and care, her need was to make things right for me but I knew she couldn’t and that her failure would distress her and I couldn’t cope with her distress.

I don’t want to make this about me but to maybe give you an insight into how your daughter might be feeling at the moment.
That she is seeking the calm that distance can sometimes provide. I’m sure as she regains her equilibrium you will be closer than ever because she will know she can trust you. The one person who will put her needs first even at cost to themselves.

I really appreciate all your viewpoints. I accept that it's going to take time and I just have to suffer it, as obviously I don't want to make it worse. She is my only child. He is my only grandchild. I feel things very deeply. So hard.

I too, have been on the receiving end of "therapy talk" given to my daughter about boundaries. And all the while I was completely oblivious to the fact that her marriage to the loveliest, kindest, most honourable man you could wish for had broken down, a divorce was almost finalised and she had moved in with a man 20 years older than herself - 5 years younger than me.

What was once a stable, loving, close and respectful mother/daughter relationshp is now a shadow of its former self. Because I dared ask her what was the problem and could I help in any way when she told me things in her marriage were a little "tricky".

So tread very carefully. I don't have problem with counselling but I have a problem with counsellors who feel it is their right to "warn" adult children about relationships they know nothing about.

The whole thing has broken my heart on so many levels - tread carefully Manzana, please don't let it happen to you.

So sorry it happened to you ferry. I remember how my old mum would come down to mine to help out when I had the children, she would speak her mind on many things and not think anything of upbraiding my husband or myself but we knew she loved us dearly and would give her time generously even when not in the best of health. Now I miss her so much but comfort myself with the thought that we spent as much time together as possible making memories we cherish as well as our grandchildren.
Do these adult children not realise how short life is and how precious it is to include family members in their lives and grandchildren’s lives?
Boundaries apply to the title deeds of one’s house not to relationships with loved ones.
Afterall an adult child can just say when a parent over steps the mark and get it all out in the open, then move on, rather than putting boundaries between themselves and their loved ones which is hurtful and rather mean.

But I do agree the OP needs to tread carefully in order to see her daughter and grandchild.
Too late for us with our eldest daughter and GCs.

Part of the growth that comes from therapy is learning how to be your own person. Maybe you are seeing her growth.

I understand having the dynamic change can be hurtful, but from the way you describe things she was very dependent on you before. Maybe she wanted to learn how to stand on her own two feet. Sometimes you just have to dip the bandaid off and learn how to be independent.

I would respect her space for now and let that growth happen. If you support her in the way she needs now, she will thank you for it.

This doesn't sound like estrangement to me. It sounds like healthy development into an adult. You should be proud of that!

Most people on this board are anti-therapy but your daughter is clearly someone who needed it (I am also someone who needed it).

Manzana

I really appreciate all your viewpoints. I accept that it's going to take time and I just have to suffer it, as obviously I don't want to make it worse. She is my only child. He is my only grandchild. I feel things very deeply. So hard.

It’s not easy at all, especially after being so involved in so much of her life. Adjustments aren’t always easy! Your feelings aren’t wrong. Her feelings aren’t wrong either. Families evolve, and the adjustment to the evolution can be challenging. It doesn’t mean the evolution isn’t necessary or healthy. Healthy boundaries have a tendency to foster more independence. We need our children to be independent for their sake and the sake of their children. We won’t be here forever with them, so it’s not a bad thing at all for them spread their wings without us being so hands-on.

No, she is 35 years old, she has been independent since going to uni aged 18. We have had our normal ups and downs but have always overcome them and remained close. This feels different.

Manzana

No, she is 35 years old, she has been independent since going to uni aged 18. We have had our normal ups and downs but have always overcome them and remained close. This feels different.

I trust your intuition, you know your daughter much better than anyone on this thread and so are more likely to know when something is ‘off’.
As I said keep channels of communication open and ask how you can help from afar if she doesn’t want any hands on help from you right now. I know it hurts, especially at this particular time when you want to celebrate the birth of your new grandchild but if you push things it could backfire.
Really feel for you 🙏🏾❤️

Manzana

No, she is 35 years old, she has been independent since going to uni aged 18. We have had our normal ups and downs but have always overcome them and remained close. This feels different.

I know exactly what you mean. My daughter left home to go to uni and never came back. She's travelled, has a successful career and we encouraged independence. All without these invisible "boundaries" that nobody had ever heard of until quite recently. Good parenting will include sensible parameters made either consciously or through instinct. I don't need a stranger to be interfering in, and ruining, my relationship with my daughter. Most people undertaking therapy will be vulnerable and looking for answers or direction. It's almost criminal to steer them or manipulate them away from loving family relationships of which they have only heard one side

Manzana a relative of mine went through this, her daughter had a course of 16 sessions with a therapist.She became really bolshy with her parent, even tho said parent was driving her there and back to be helpful.This lasted for a few months and then slowly she thawed and things improved a lot for both of them.Parents always cop for it with therapy whether it’s their fault or not.

ferry23

I too, have been on the receiving end of "therapy talk" given to my daughter about boundaries. And all the while I was completely oblivious to the fact that her marriage to the loveliest, kindest, most honourable man you could wish for had broken down, a divorce was almost finalised and she had moved in with a man 20 years older than herself - 5 years younger than me.

What was once a stable, loving, close and respectful mother/daughter relationshp is now a shadow of its former self. Because I dared ask her what was the problem and could I help in any way when she told me things in her marriage were a little "tricky".

So tread very carefully. I don't have problem with counselling but I have a problem with counsellors who feel it is their right to "warn" adult children about relationships they know nothing about.

The whole thing has broken my heart on so many levels - tread carefully Manzana, please don't let it happen to you.

THIS!!! Yes, I know what you are talking about. Same here.

The greatest guy in the world left my daughter while pregnant for a younger woman. She had therapy. So there's that. But even worse, so happened her sister in law is also her best friend who works with abused children....a bacholors degree in child behaviors is all she has, she is not a certified therapist but she thinks she is.

This sister in law friend claims her mom was a terrible mom and I think she's one of those who projects her own issues onto others.

My daughter and I were super close before she met this girl and perhaps there was an element of jealously there because I know her mom and although her mom loves her, she is more distant, less involved and doesn't bother with her drama. In other words, my world was my kids but her mom had other things in life.

Still, although I noticed changes in my daughter, once the sister in law moved away, seems we were just awesome, very close still.

Then the betrayal and now I think between the sister in law's unprofessional analysis of me plus the therapist, suddenly I'm a self serving, uncaring unsupportive mother.

I"m not sure then, why I dedicated my life so hard for my kids I gave up any chance of a career, constantly cared what was going on in their lives and didn't stop crying for my daughter's pain for a straight year. I even tried to convince my son in law to reconsider, yeah, I know, I actually thought I could get him away from a 20 something and back with my daughter. I forgot how some men in this life just carry lust as more important than love and family. I had developed faith in him too because I believed every wonderful thing my daughter kept telling me he was.

So now, I pretty much lost her. I think she sticks around because my husband has done well money wise in our later years; the young years were lean. Maybe she doesn't want to get cut out if we leave something. She has mentioned us getting a trust or something....now that could be because we are getting older and she is just giving casual advice, but who knows.

All I know is she's become very cruel and controlling, trying to make my grandkids think I'm not a good grandma but then they do seem to see I am. She critiques everything, criticizes everything and acts like she had a horrible childhood which a real joke to me. But it shows how grief and the power of suggestion at such times effect people's memories.

I am still not sure which it was, the therapist or the sister in law but I'm suspicious it was the sister in law that has convinced her.

I think I've conveyed to the sister in law that I finally realize what she's been doing. I unfriended her on Facebook abruptly after my daughter decided to accuse me of "predatory behavior" when her, at the time, 6 year old son said I was keeping a secret from her with him.

What secret?? Turns out, it was my grandson who got in trouble at school and when he told me, he asked ME "not to tell mom". I told him I don't need to tell mom, because the school called your mom already ( I found out they had). But he, at 6 years old, I guess since he thought I wasn't going to tell her, I was keeping a secret.

So that got misinterpreted and yet my daughter thought it was true and said it was like being a predator. So I knew where that terminology came from, obviously her sister in law's very unprofessional opinion of me.

There had been other instances that clued me in that my daughter was behaving as though I was some sort of threat to her happiness or some sort of influence on her kids, but I tried to just ignore it, since I knew her trauma over her husband's betrayal was and still is effecting her.

But that word predator just got to me. So insulting on a deep level. Which btw, in real predatory behavior, it's the predator who suggests secrecy, not the kid!!

Wild stuff I've been dealing with.

Now, after I unfriended her sister in law, you would think she's maybe inquire to me why, because we always used to communicate. She was aware of things I posted on facebook on my grandkids private page, and for awhile she thumbs upped them, which was unusual for her, so I think she was noticing we were not friends anymore.

The fact she never asked me why speaks volumes to me....she knows what she's done and that now I am finally aware of it.

So, I doubt she'll open her mouth anymore. But too late, damage is done.

I've lost the daughter I once had. I don't' like the replacement one at all. Too hurtful and mean.

But I put up with it to see the grandkids. Someday, I know, that will change as they grow up.

Then I don't think I'll stay part of her life, because I don't want the abuse anymore from her.

Sad, because I will always love her. But I just don't see myself spending my last time on earth being around someone who doesn't love me.

Manzana

No, she is 35 years old, she has been independent since going to uni aged 18. We have had our normal ups and downs but have always overcome them and remained close. This feels different.

Different doesn’t necessarily mean bad or wrong. It doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. Change happens, especially when people become parents themselves. I always give new mums grace. I think I would be cautious about leaning into negativity or assuming the worst. If you are feeling distant, it can make you feel even worse to fixate on her boundaries as something problematic, rather than simply being what she needs to deal with whatever she has on her plate right now. Your daughter is addressing her mental health issues with a professional. That’s what she’s comfortable with at the moment. If you say she’s always been independent it may be that your expectations of what she shares may be mismatched for this point in her life. Going back to your original post, I still think the best way to cope is by not presenting her choice in what she does or doesn’t share as a problem to be fixed.

It’s easy to seek commiseration in moments of feeling low, but it doesn’t help to have others fuel fears. Instead, I’d have patience with her. You have already said you only want to support her and want her to feel safe. If this is your goal, you’re far more likely to sustain achievement of it by being patient than if you were to approach her with your dissatisfaction about what she neglects to share with you.

It makes me feel concerned about the qualifications the Therapist/ counsellor has, it seems anyone can set themselves up as a therapist these days you only have to look in magazines or newspaper to see people without the professional qualifications giving out advice, as a qualified mental health professional for over 30 years now retired I have seen what damage these unqualified individuals can cause

BlessedArt

Manzana

No, she is 35 years old, she has been independent since going to uni aged 18. We have had our normal ups and downs but have always overcome them and remained close. This feels different.

Different doesn’t necessarily mean bad or wrong. It doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. Change happens, especially when people become parents themselves. I always give new mums grace. I think I would be cautious about leaning into negativity or assuming the worst. If you are feeling distant, it can make you feel even worse to fixate on her boundaries as something problematic, rather than simply being what she needs to deal with whatever she has on her plate right now. Your daughter is addressing her mental health issues with a professional. That’s what she’s comfortable with at the moment. If you say she’s always been independent it may be that your expectations of what she shares may be mismatched for this point in her life. Going back to your original post, I still think the best way to cope is by not presenting her choice in what she does or doesn’t share as a problem to be fixed.

It’s easy to seek commiseration in moments of feeling low, but it doesn’t help to have others fuel fears. Instead, I’d have patience with her. You have already said you only want to support her and want her to feel safe. If this is your goal, you’re far more likely to sustain achievement of it by being patient than if you were to approach her with your dissatisfaction about what she neglects to share with you.

I'm sorry BlessedArt, but the OP is asking to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Not someone to come along and offer "therapy" advice.

You know nothing about the depth or the nature of the emotional tie between the OP and her daugher. You neither know the OP or her daughter, and yet you are reinforcing the very notions that cause a lot of unwelcome and unnecessary distress when strangers think they are qualified to lecture about relationships and "boundaries" by driving a wedge between loved ones.

That is not what counselling is about. Although it seems some counsellors think it is.