Thoughts in the early hours

Sorry *Allsorts bit of a foggy brain atm.

There was some estrangement between me and my son when he was in his 20's as I was totally unable to be a loving and supportive mum in that important time in his life. He grew hurt and some accusations especially when he had a rough patch but wasnt fully aware of the complexity of my MH stuff back then, and my then DH his Dad withdrew too.

All is well now, we've all learnt and changed. He's 44.

Wyllow, I am a bit puzzled by your post, are you estranged from anyone? Did you estrange from your parents for 8 years.

When I had a child me and my then husband (amicable divorce, not recent one due to coercive abuse)

we made a vow between us not to visit the problems our parents had bequeathed on us to our child, and we largely succeeded.

Not without an 8 year blip which was sad and hard to bear, and I can trace back to both me and then DH. Me, a long severe depression that meant I cut contact to all.

but the difference is that both me and then DH did not ^blame our parents, (done a lot of therapy):

we understood why they had been as they had been and then looking at their parents and so on.

The blip is now understood: time and hard work just being responsive and not making demands on them has paid off.

Its terribly sad and I realise many of you are talking about much more nasty situations, (abuse, active cruelty) where blame is appropriate

but the human tendency to blame others for our ills instead of seeking to understand is very sad, isnt it.

jusnoneed

My eldest son cut contact with us in 2009, his youngest child was only a few months old so we only ever saw him once. We had no contact with the other children either. I was especially close to the eldest granddaughter. I had to track him down when my dad left him some money in 2021 but nothing from him after, he was quite chatty so hopes rose but it's not to be, so that's a lost cause and I no longer worry about them.

Then out of the blue about 3 months ago she got in touch via the Ancestry website! She had been thinking of doing her family tree and when searching my name popped up, so she messaged me. We have emailed since and she has filled in the news about the others, turns out I also have 5 great grandchildren!

How wonderful that you’ve reconnected with your granddaughter!

Thank you, Smileless.

You're doing the right thing Marg, it isn't easy coming to terms with being estranged but it's the only way of getting on with our lives.

Thank you, Allsorts, we're both very hurt obviously, we have our lovely daughter and a granddaughter so we've come to terms with it and get on with living our lives together. (He has minimal contact with his sister).

friendlygingercat

There are two sides to every estrangement story.

Having been an adult child who went low contact with their parents I dont think its about them deliberately wanting to hurt you. Its more about them not wanting to bear the dreadful burden that the reationship imposes. In my case, that of always being the black sheep as opposed to the golden princess. As a child I was told unspeakably cruel things. Such as my mother had heart trouble because I was a naughty girl. Imagine saying that to an 8 year old child nowadays. There came a time when I realised that nothing I ever achieved was going to make up for my decision not to GIVE my parents grandshildren.

I am sorry that you suffered that with your parents.

You are right there are 2 sides to every Estrangement story. But no assumptions can be made about what those "sides" are as every story is different albeit sometimes having common features.

Glad you have your husband Marg and have many good years ahead with him.

I also agree Allsorts.

Allsorts, I agree.

Re FGC post ,many of you will be agonising over Estangement, it just breaks your heart , but read that post and it clarifies a lot and realise for a lot of adult children they have no love or duty or anything for their familes and parents. They don't need a reason. We do not exist. So return the favour.

I'm so very sad for you all . I have personally experienced estrangement and a close family member is very emotionally and mentally struggling having lost her granchildren 5 years ago . It's painful to see . I don't think we will ever understand why .

Yes of course there are two sides to every estrangement story friendlygingercat. There are always two sides to every story but here we are sharing our personal experiences.

I'm sorry that you found the relationship with your parents a dreadful burden but that doesn't mean it was the case for the adult children of the estranged parents posting here.

Marg75

Norah, if you're talking to me, are you suggesting I apologise? I am content now with what is.

Lovely!

No, my comment was meant what one 'could do'.

Norah, if you're talking to me, are you suggesting I apologise? I am content now with what is.

There are two sides to every estrangement story.

Having been an adult child who went low contact with their parents I dont think its about them deliberately wanting to hurt you. Its more about them not wanting to bear the dreadful burden that the reationship imposes. In my case, that of always being the black sheep as opposed to the golden princess. As a child I was told unspeakably cruel things. Such as my mother had heart trouble because I was a naughty girl. Imagine saying that to an 8 year old child nowadays. There came a time when I realised that nothing I ever achieved was going to make up for my decision not to GIVE my parents grandshildren.

Perhaps apologize, leave the door open, be content with what is.

We haven't seen our son for nearly thirteen years. There are no grandchildren. We have come to terms with it and have got to a point of seeing no way back as we've been hurt too much. I cannot understand how any son can treat his mother and father like he has, we're in our eighties and he seems able to live with that fact. If we'd abused him or neglected him, made his childhood miserable I could understand but he was a very loved.

OLLYgr

Don't give up hope. We were estranged from our daughter and two grandchildren for 14 years. After ten years we stopped hoping and decided to make lives for ourselves. We had suffered enough. Then out the blue three years ago we got a message on Facebook asking to meet up. Everything is fine now and we know how lucky we are. We do own up to playing a part in the original argument (we had an opinion) and have learned to never interfere anymore, even though we were only trying to help first time round.
My heart breaks for the parents suffering this, but please look after yourselves and try and live your lives in the best possible way.

Ditto with us, & we have just had the most wonderful Christmas with my son and family, who stayed with us at the family house for 4 days.
Heartbreaking for you all, but never give up hope.

I'm with you, unfortunately x

I read a whole thing about adult children blaming their parents for everything .. but then there’s trauma from childhood that manifests into bigger issues if not addressed . Sometimes the adult child is still holding onto the child within ..simply cannot let go .. we all do to a lesser extent even at our age . But they are adults and need to accept that as parents we did our best and made mistakes but we brought them into this world and they should be thankful for all of that .. just impossible for some to do any of that .

I was also awake at 3
I also have no contact with my middle daughter (I have 3)
2 live in France and 1 in UK.
I don’t know why, it’s so sad. I think she still blames me for my divorce (30yrs ago)

I feel sorry for you all but it is very common. I have a couple of friends who are in the same position being estranged and it is just awful for them. They seem to handle it in different ways.

I went to a lovely milestone birthday last Autumn and it was sad for my friend as her two daughters attended with their children but her son and his family did not despite being invited. She has recently had cancer treatment so was hoping he would finally make up with her but no response at all. The only reason he fell out with her (she says) is that he felt she favoured the girls over him but he lived several counties away and the girls are much closer so she could help out more with their kids. I know she sent beautiful gifts for his kids and never forgot birthdays etc.

This is very common .. admittedly that doesn’t make things easier to bear. There is a lot written on various websites about the behaviour of adult children towards their parents how they blame and alienate them when there is often no real justification. Sometimes there is a very valid reason for disconnection and the parent will know what this is but often there is nothing other than maybe a slightly volatile relationship over the years. There is also an awful lot written about mothers and daughters and the dynamic which brings conflict, disconnection and a lot of pain. When I look on Mum‘s net which is a younger demographic I often see younger women complaining about their mothers. Though often it’s the mother-in-law’s causing the problems. As someone said you have to just try and move past it but it is a pain in your heart that I fully recognise. Coping mechanisms are what’s needed. You could consider Chat GPT and pouring your heart out to AI. I am deadly serious here ! because it can instantly respond by trawling the net for psychological and therapeutic advice and give you some really useful and valid insights and tools to help you see your way out of this and live your life .