Thoughts in the early hours

Hi Sallywally1 i understand a little of how you feel as years ago I had a falling out with my eldest daughter who at the time had two little ones, she stopped contact and therefore I didn’t see my grandchildren who I was really close to and they used to sleep over mine regularly.
It’s sad to say but I knew my daughter was using them as a weapon to hurt me and it worked I was crying constantly thinking they thought I didn’t care about them and I missed them so much, I longed for the day they were old enough to visit me on their own
I’m lucky it was only a few months before my daughter came to her senses, ( she did this several times over the years) I realise it’s far worse for you as it’s been so long
Do you still send birthday/ Christmas cards I think it’s important that you keep doing that, what about your daughters father or siblings do they have contact with her if there’s nobody that could reason with her on your behalf I would try writing her a letter, don’t make it all about the children say how much you miss her I wouldn’t mention whatever made you fall out, it maybe an idea to apologise if she feels you have caused her any hurt or distress that’s not saying it was your fault just that you are sorry if she has been feeling that way
Good luck 💐

It’s happened to me several times but, thankfully it was only for a few weeks or months each time. The thing that I found hard to understand was how someone that I loved so much would want to hurt me. We never have discussed the whys and how’s of it happening so I guess I’ll never know the motivation behind it but I still get pangs of hurt when I think about it. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this .

I don't believe the heartache ever ends Sally but for us, it's no longer at the forefront of our minds and hasn't been for sometime.

13 years estranged from our youngest son and only GC, the youngest never seen and the eldest not seen since he was 8 months old. It was only when we accepted that the relationship was over and we'd lost him and them for good, that we began to heal.

A totally unexpected but related event just before Christmas concerning my brother, taught me that despite the pain of not having someone you love in your life the benefits can and do outweigh that pain, and having for the first time in 13 years been able to enjoy Christmas, I can see how that also relates to our ES.

11 years on and at 70 you not only need to make the most of the life your life, you deserve to make the most of it. If you have other AC, treasure the time you spend with them and their children if they have any. If like us you don't have any other GC, I say that we were never meant to be GP's and there's more to life than being one.

We will always be heartbroken. Estrangement is called a living bereavement because we grieve for the AC and often GC too that we've lost because they're living a life that we have been excluded from.

This is not the live we ever envisaged living but it's the life we've been given so focus on what you have and not what you've lost .

The thing that I found hard to understand was how someone that I loved so much would want to hurt me it's incomprehensible isn't it MayBee and also led me to question if our ES ever really loved me at all.

not the live not the life

My eldest son cut contact with us in 2009, his youngest child was only a few months old so we only ever saw him once. We had no contact with the other children either. I was especially close to the eldest granddaughter. I had to track him down when my dad left him some money in 2021 but nothing from him after, he was quite chatty so hopes rose but it's not to be, so that's a lost cause and I no longer worry about them.

Then out of the blue about 3 months ago she got in touch via the Ancestry website! She had been thinking of doing her family tree and when searching my name popped up, so she messaged me. We have emailed since and she has filled in the news about the others, turns out I also have 5 great grandchildren!

That's amazing jusnoneed.

that is great jusnoneed!

i too am suffering estrangement.
just before christmas 2020 my daughter walked out with my 2 grandaughters (they'd been loving with me since 2015 - long story).
i wasn't allowed to know where they were living and this went on until april 2023 when my daughter died from breast cancer - i didn't know she was ill. and neither my ex-husband nor my son told me - i has to hear it from my ex-son in law's aunt!
i saw my grandaughters at the funeral but the eldest refused to acknowledge me.
my son was there with his 2 daughters but stayed with his father rather than speak to me.
fast forward to christmas 2023 when my son sent me a very hurtful message saying he did not want to hear from me by phone, post or social media. i haven't heard from him since.
so i have 4 grandaughters, one of whom might have had a baby of her own, and a son who have all estranged themselves (my son's 2 probably don't know this though).
it's all very sad and hard to bear and to cope with it i just tell myself that i have no family and try to get on with life - i'm 78 now and just get on with it.

Don't give up hope. We were estranged from our daughter and two grandchildren for 14 years. After ten years we stopped hoping and decided to make lives for ourselves. We had suffered enough. Then out the blue three years ago we got a message on Facebook asking to meet up. Everything is fine now and we know how lucky we are. We do own up to playing a part in the original argument (we had an opinion) and have learned to never interfere anymore, even though we were only trying to help first time round.
My heart breaks for the parents suffering this, but please look after yourselves and try and live your lives in the best possible way.

This is very common .. admittedly that doesn’t make things easier to bear. There is a lot written on various websites about the behaviour of adult children towards their parents how they blame and alienate them when there is often no real justification. Sometimes there is a very valid reason for disconnection and the parent will know what this is but often there is nothing other than maybe a slightly volatile relationship over the years. There is also an awful lot written about mothers and daughters and the dynamic which brings conflict, disconnection and a lot of pain. When I look on Mum‘s net which is a younger demographic I often see younger women complaining about their mothers. Though often it’s the mother-in-law’s causing the problems. As someone said you have to just try and move past it but it is a pain in your heart that I fully recognise. Coping mechanisms are what’s needed. You could consider Chat GPT and pouring your heart out to AI. I am deadly serious here ! because it can instantly respond by trawling the net for psychological and therapeutic advice and give you some really useful and valid insights and tools to help you see your way out of this and live your life .

I feel sorry for you all but it is very common. I have a couple of friends who are in the same position being estranged and it is just awful for them. They seem to handle it in different ways.

I went to a lovely milestone birthday last Autumn and it was sad for my friend as her two daughters attended with their children but her son and his family did not despite being invited. She has recently had cancer treatment so was hoping he would finally make up with her but no response at all. The only reason he fell out with her (she says) is that he felt she favoured the girls over him but he lived several counties away and the girls are much closer so she could help out more with their kids. I know she sent beautiful gifts for his kids and never forgot birthdays etc.

I was also awake at 3
I also have no contact with my middle daughter (I have 3)
2 live in France and 1 in UK.
I don’t know why, it’s so sad. I think she still blames me for my divorce (30yrs ago)

I read a whole thing about adult children blaming their parents for everything .. but then there’s trauma from childhood that manifests into bigger issues if not addressed . Sometimes the adult child is still holding onto the child within ..simply cannot let go .. we all do to a lesser extent even at our age . But they are adults and need to accept that as parents we did our best and made mistakes but we brought them into this world and they should be thankful for all of that .. just impossible for some to do any of that .

I'm with you, unfortunately x

OLLYgr

Don't give up hope. We were estranged from our daughter and two grandchildren for 14 years. After ten years we stopped hoping and decided to make lives for ourselves. We had suffered enough. Then out the blue three years ago we got a message on Facebook asking to meet up. Everything is fine now and we know how lucky we are. We do own up to playing a part in the original argument (we had an opinion) and have learned to never interfere anymore, even though we were only trying to help first time round.
My heart breaks for the parents suffering this, but please look after yourselves and try and live your lives in the best possible way.

Ditto with us, & we have just had the most wonderful Christmas with my son and family, who stayed with us at the family house for 4 days.
Heartbreaking for you all, but never give up hope.

We haven't seen our son for nearly thirteen years. There are no grandchildren. We have come to terms with it and have got to a point of seeing no way back as we've been hurt too much. I cannot understand how any son can treat his mother and father like he has, we're in our eighties and he seems able to live with that fact. If we'd abused him or neglected him, made his childhood miserable I could understand but he was a very loved.

Perhaps apologize, leave the door open, be content with what is.

There are two sides to every estrangement story.

Having been an adult child who went low contact with their parents I dont think its about them deliberately wanting to hurt you. Its more about them not wanting to bear the dreadful burden that the reationship imposes. In my case, that of always being the black sheep as opposed to the golden princess. As a child I was told unspeakably cruel things. Such as my mother had heart trouble because I was a naughty girl. Imagine saying that to an 8 year old child nowadays. There came a time when I realised that nothing I ever achieved was going to make up for my decision not to GIVE my parents grandshildren.

Norah, if you're talking to me, are you suggesting I apologise? I am content now with what is.

Marg75

Norah, if you're talking to me, are you suggesting I apologise? I am content now with what is.

Lovely!

No, my comment was meant what one 'could do'.

Yes of course there are two sides to every estrangement story friendlygingercat. There are always two sides to every story but here we are sharing our personal experiences.

I'm sorry that you found the relationship with your parents a dreadful burden but that doesn't mean it was the case for the adult children of the estranged parents posting here.

I'm so very sad for you all . I have personally experienced estrangement and a close family member is very emotionally and mentally struggling having lost her granchildren 5 years ago . It's painful to see . I don't think we will ever understand why .

Re FGC post ,many of you will be agonising over Estangement, it just breaks your heart , but read that post and it clarifies a lot and realise for a lot of adult children they have no love or duty or anything for their familes and parents. They don't need a reason. We do not exist. So return the favour.

Allsorts, I agree.