Son is pushing us away

I too am a bit confused about the dog. Who was going to look after it originally?
You don't say how old the GC are. You obviously have a good relationship with them. Would it be possible for them to come on the holiday to enjoy time with their cousins and the wider family?

The OP's d.i.l. has made an alternative arrangement that she knows coincides with the arrangements made by her p's.i.l. for the OP'd birthday celebrations AuntieE. Who else is to 'blame' for that.

No need for anyone to refer to the OP's son as her prince is there Madgran.

BlessedArt

There would be much fewer estrangements if people stopped looking for scapegoats and had the courage to view problems from the roots of the issues. When we keep blaming others for our own children’s weak characters, reconciliation will never happen. If I blamed my daughter in law with whom I barely have contact for issues with my son and I, then I myself am placing the barrier firmly in the way of my own healing. If your Dil was blabbing her mouth to her parents about your son, then I am sure he wouldn’t come off as a saint either. I’m sure she’d have a lot to say about this prince of yours. That’s the problem with building narratives behind your spouse’s back and letting family run with it. I don’t believe in taking full credit for raising sons into good men because I would not take credit for raising a man so disloyal as to put his wife in the line of his family’s biased fire by talking behind her back. Nature vs nurture. Perhaps his inconsiderate, selfish behaviour was learned or perhaps it is who he is innately. Either way, your son is showing you who he is. He puts his feelings before all consideration for even those “closest” to him. Wife or mother, it clearly makes no difference. As I said, best to address his bad behaviour with him directly and without your husband and his tantrums.

Hmm. As Smileless says, people underestimate the impact of coercive control. But it is possible to do that without suggesting this problem is all about a mother and "her prince" which is not evidenced by the OPs posts!

How is his relationship to his sisters and brothers? You say he did not come to the last two christenings, so to me it sounds as if he is distancing himself not only from you, but from all of the family.

Would it be possible to ask straight out why this is so? You obviously don't know what is wrong, so nothing can have been said.

Before placing all the blame on your daughter -in-law¨s shoulders, do please remember that you son is a grown man and responsible for his own behaviour. You cannot expect your DIL to criticise her husband to you, or anyone else, and you would probably blame her if she did, but this does not mean she approves of the way he is treating you.

Ask him what is wrong. Otherwise you will go on guessing and being hurt if or when he stupidly accepts an invitation from you and then cancels at the last minute.

Two issues here.
One; the son's behaviour in cancelling so late and swearing at his father.

Two; Daughter in law held responsible

Issue no. one; rude to leave it so late to cancel, no chance of a refund, and two very feeble excuses. Plenty of time to book a dog sitter, and unlikely that school would be organise events so soon after start of school term.

Issue no Two: it is all the daughter -in-law's fault.

It may be so, but we do not know all sides of the situation.
I had a friend whose husband at the very last minute, would refuse to go to her large family occasions. (weddings, funerals, christenings, anniversaries) things booked for a long time involving expense; she was not a confident driver so generally had to make excuses and stay away.

I wonder if this couple is as financially secure as they appear? He may appear to be comfortably well off , but equally they are spending freely with expensive tastes and may be living above their means. (echoes of a recent post where the couple were borrowing more and more money from parents for essentials while spending on expensive holidays and house improvements.)

The fact that the son is avoiding contact with his brothers could suggest deeper problems , not necessarily wife related.
Equally, it could be that neither enjoy family get-togethers and find them overwhelming.

I have a very small family so have little experience of these events but know from friends some dread extended family celebrations whilst others take deep offence if all family members do not attend.

All I can suggest is, say nothing, wait to see if son offers to pay for the accommodation, and the OP receives some acknowledgement of her birthday.

In our sons case some of it was for a quiet life as Smileless says ,we still saw our DGC and babysit often but when they grew up and no longer needed a babysitter we were dropped off the edge of a cliff.
The coercive behaviour from DIL was still going, very much alive and kicking. I ignored it, I’d spent far two many years trying to make it right, it wasn’t going to happen.
Apparently DIL promised to change many times through their relationship but of course couldn’t. Thank goodness we are here we are.

People underestimate the power of coercive control. Of course if a son is opting for a quiet life at the expense of his relationship with his parents, and often at the expense of his children's relationship with their GP's, that is his decision.

As estranged parents we do accept that the one ultimately responsible is our ES but that does not negate the role that his wife has played.

I'm glad that your son eventually freed himself from that unhealthy relationship Erica, because while an AC is in a relationship with someone who either wishes to severely restrict their contact with their family or sever all contact, as you say there's nothing you can do.

We’ve had a very similar situation with one of our sons. We tried to involve them in every family occasion, sometimes they’d both come, sometimes our son would come on his own with an excuse that DIL was ill or just too busy.
This went on for ten years, they then got married and we decided to let him go, he was very unhappy. Our relationship was practically non existent even though they lived close by.
Another ten years passed, and now he’s divorced. We couldn’t be happier ! We have our son back as have the rest of the family.
There’s nothing you can do. It’s all very hurtful and disappointing I know I cried buckets. Let him go with no expectations. It’ll be easier for him. He’ll then decide what he wants eventually. Good luck

There would be much fewer estrangements if people stopped looking for scapegoats and had the courage to view problems from the roots of the issues. When we keep blaming others for our own children’s weak characters, reconciliation will never happen. If I blamed my daughter in law with whom I barely have contact for issues with my son and I, then I myself am placing the barrier firmly in the way of my own healing. If your Dil was blabbing her mouth to her parents about your son, then I am sure he wouldn’t come off as a saint either. I’m sure she’d have a lot to say about this prince of yours. That’s the problem with building narratives behind your spouse’s back and letting family run with it. I don’t believe in taking full credit for raising sons into good men because I would not take credit for raising a man so disloyal as to put his wife in the line of his family’s biased fire by talking behind her back. Nature vs nurture. Perhaps his inconsiderate, selfish behaviour was learned or perhaps it is who he is innately. Either way, your son is showing you who he is. He puts his feelings before all consideration for even those “closest” to him. Wife or mother, it clearly makes no difference. As I said, best to address his bad behaviour with him directly and without your husband and his tantrums.

Madgran77

*Norah OP asked for advice, not to be told her son is rude*

Yes she did. Sadly because some posters appeared to be ignoring the behaviour of her son & DiL and appeared to be suggesting the problem was caused by the OP for various somewhat spurious reasons, the son's rudeness has inevitably been referred to rather more than should have been necessary.

Smudgie A good post.

Smudgie's advice for the son to go to the hotel with his parents is good. Perhaps they could talk about issues? could be productive.

Norah OP asked for advice, not to be told her son is rude

Yes she did. Sadly because some posters appeared to be ignoring the behaviour of her son & DiL and appeared to be suggesting the problem was caused by the OP for various somewhat spurious reasons, the son's rudeness has inevitably been referred to rather more than should have been necessary.

Smudgie A good post.

It's a shame some of them don't; maybe there would be fewer estrangements if more of them did.

The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.
I don’t know any men who would go against their wife’s wishes. I really don’t.

A good post Smudgie. It's true what you say about the OP's son being between a rock and a hard place and of course he could go with the children if he wanted too, his wife doesn't have to be involved if she doesn't want to be but unfortunately it doesn't seem to work that way.

The last time I saw our ES face to face, I was on the doorstep of their house and because she knew I was there, she was slamming doors, cursing and swearing despite their baby son being in the house.

The last thing he ever said to me was "we mustn't do this, it causes too much trouble".

It’s bad manners from your son and his wife, at this late stage.

Your son should grow a pair and attend on his own. His wife is obviously dictating the terms.

But, other than that, you’ll have to let them get on with it. 🤷‍♀️

If I read the OPs post correctly she stated that her son seemed very keen to go on the weekend and mentioned it several times in conversation. He has to live with your difficult DIL and loves his children, it's sometimes easier to go along with things than having massive rows. He is between a rock and a hard place but he is a mature adult and could, if he wanted to, come with the children and leave his wife to do her own thing. Enjoy your weekend with the rest of your family but say nothing further and be as pleasant to him as you usually are. However, I would not include him or his family in any other special occasions and if asked why I would say (nicely) that we accept and respect its not something you want to do and leave it at that. He should reimburse you but I don't think I would mention that either, let it go for the sake of your relationship with your son and grandchildren.

OP, your son doesn’t sound like he has much integrity.

First, there is much speculation about your DIL but nothing besides assumptions in your posts. You blame her for your son not wanting the same relationship with you after his marriage, but men are not mindless drones unable to make their own decisions. I find these types of assumptions without actual proof incredibly sexist. Men can go to war, run companies, run countries, but their wives control their relationships with their mothers? It’s a the go-to when we are in denial about when our own children want more distance than we want to believe.

Second, what kind of man runs to his mummy to slag off his wife? A parent should not play marriage counselor to her son or daughter. It’s as appropriate as you confiding in him about your marriage. Do you speak with your son about your marriage? Of course not. When adults marry, they should not share private marital issues with other relatives behind the backs of their spouses. I would never allow my son or my daughter to sit and gossip with me about their spouse. It’s horrible. A parent will never be objective in that situation and your opinion of the spouse will forever be changed. Marital counselors exist for this very reason. Healthier to be in front of each other discussing issues with a neutral party, which you will never be.

It should come as no surprise that man who would slag off his wife behind her back to his family would pull out of a trip a week before. Your son can’t seem to think beyond his own feelings, and whatever the reason for him not wanting to go he should have been honest about not wanting to go a long time ago. This distance wasn’t created over night. I am willing to bet he never wanted to go at all. He gave a pathetic excuse, and after bashing his wife to you he also has a perfect scapegoat. I hope he reimburses you for the trip. Hopefully he has at least some decency there.

Your husband’s reaction was infantile. Give space and let things settle. When heads cool, ask your son privately without mentioning his wife or your husband why he has distanced over the years.

Lathyrus3

I don’t disagree. It’s very rude.

I thought perhaps there might still be time for a partial solution if the OP really wants her family together for her special occasion.

Sometimes it’s about making the best you can out of a bad job🙁

Agreed.

OP asked for advice, not to be told her son is rude. Perhaps she could invite him to come along to the hotel, say nothing, be polite.

Making best could turn pleasant if there was no tension.

Susie, I am so sorry you have been let down by your son and Dil . I am afraid you have to let them go, you enjoy your birthday with your other children and family, please don't let their thoughtless and very rude behaviour spoil your day. Just the fact that you are a mother or mil automatically brings out hateful, judgemental comments by some on here, just ignored them They have shown you what they think of family, that's down to them not you. You haven't distanced,m they have, just be yourself. Your husband might soften his attitude, but you can see his point, they have hurt you and that hurts him. I know for sure had my husband been alive he wouldn't have stood for the treatment and nonsense that I did. Some peopIe, not nice ones, distance when money comes along, somehow new friends and interests preferable to family. It is their loss as well as yours but they don't know it. You be yourself with those who love and appreciate you, the balls well and truly in their court.

Lathyrus3

I don’t disagree. It’s very rude.

I thought perhaps there might still be time for a partial solution if the OP really wants her family together for her special occasion.

Sometimes it’s about making the best you can out of a bad job🙁

Yes Latghrus I agree it could be a compromise solution if her son/DiL are willing 😏

my son was married to a control freak who tried every which way to keep him from us . Notice I say was married; she eventually pushed him to the limit and now has a nice lady and a daughter. I always kept up some contact with him, she still tries to control him, but it is wearing thin now. She treats her own family like dirt, so he's better off away from her. Good luck

I don’t disagree. It’s very rude.

I thought perhaps there might still be time for a partial solution if the OP really wants her family together for her special occasion.

Sometimes it’s about making the best you can out of a bad job🙁

...and if it became too much as it got nearer then they should take responsibility for that and pay back the cost for them or if they cant then at least apologise for the unnecessary cost to his parents.

As far as I can see no possible scenario, strained relationships or anything else justifies or excuses the rude thoughtless poor behaviour!

It’s obvious the OP and her dil don’t get on, so perhaps the thought of a whole weekend (Friday to Monday?) together just got too much for them to face as it got closer. I think I can understand that.

Yes there is a clear possibility that for whatever reason relationship between the OP and DiL are strained! However it's hardly helped by the lack of direct communication about not wanting to go. Strained relationships is not an excuse for being rude and letting someone spend a load of money they dont need to.

Agree eddiecat78

So many posts on here are from parents/grandparents who feel very hurt and angry about the way they have been treated yet they seem to get the blame.
I just wonder how the OPs son would feel if it was his milestone birthday and he had spent ages organising and paying for it and then his parents or one of his siblings bailed out with a lame excuse or organised something else for that timeframe. I imagine he would feel hurt and angry too, because that is a normal human response to this. And last time I checked parents/grandparents are human too.