Son is pushing us away

From what you’ve said I’m not sure why you’re blaming his wife? I’d put money on him using her as an excuse (who knows why though).

The fact that he’s not made an effort in years shows he’s pulled back for a while now. From what you’ve shared it’s not clear why you believe it’s her fault

I’m sorry you are struggling

Does he still have a relationship with his siblings?

Have I understood you correctly? You discussed, booked and paid for the venue 4 months or so ago and everyone was on board with it at the the time? Subsequently your daughter-in-law arranges something else on one of the days and doggie care arrangements were not made. So why can't your son attend without his wife and bring the children? To let you down so late in the day is out of order and disrespectful in my book but what to do about it?
I don't know. Sometimes it's best to do nothing at all. If I were in your shoes I would try and push it to the back of my mind, and enjoy the reunion with the rest of the family.

For some reason I get the feeling they could find a dog sitter if they wanted. Maybe they don't want to.

If you're upset because you want to see him more, reacting poorly to this will not help. It will make the problem worse.

People grow up and their priorities change. They should be allowed to do that. Make sure you aren't putting pressure for him to participate so it is fully his choice when he comes. He will probably come less but when he does it will be freely.

If I were your son I would reimburse what you spentfor him to go on this trip. Whether he really can't get a dog sitter or not I think that would be fair to expect.

As a side note, I told my husband he could use me as an excuse to get out of family things whenever he wanted and he did.

Think about what you want to achieve(presumably more time with him) and act in a way that will help you accomplish that.

Susie this is very sad for you and also the late withdrawal is really bad manners from him, with what seem like poor excuses I can totally understand your hurt and disappointment and your husbands response of ‘I want nothing more to do with him’ which is a typical bloke response, ad one I hope you don’t follow.
I would just say don’t be too quick to blame the daughter in law completely. surely he would find an answer if he wanted to come along ! Which implies he doesn’t, but lacked the courage to say so at the time you discussed it with him
It’s really hard as it’s going to taint your weekend away and your birthday will now feel sad, but you must accept and have a nice time with the rest of your family and try not to let it put a permanent wedge between you

I think adult children are so much harder to negotiate than small children

Thank you for your responses. I was actually really close to him before he got married and he used to call me all the time until about 2 years ago. He isn’t happy in his relationship, and when he called before he often talked about how difficult she is and how badly she sometimes treats their eldest daughter (nothing sinister just lots of arguments and getting things wrong, as all parents do). I found it really hard because I didn’t want to say anything against her and I think he wanted me to. In the last two years he has gradually withdrawn a lot from both us as parents and his siblings, who are both really upset. As a family we have wondered if he is depressed and tried to come up with options, but he has rejected all approaches, for example suggestions from his brother of a boys weekend away walking and canoeing (which they both love to do). Last Summer his brother and family went on holiday close to where they live especially to try to see him and let the children see each other. He saw them for one afternoon but was withdrawn and left when his wife said they should go home. My other son was exasperated and didn’t know what to do.
We have gone down to see them often over the years, staying in a local b & b, but have found his wife unwelcoming and struggled to engage with her. The children are always delighted to see us and really now we go for them.
My feeling is that his wife has felt slightly threatened by his relationships with us and either consciously or unconsciously pulled him away. We have also noticed that as they have become more comfortable financially she has developed expensive taste and makes comments about others that lead me to wonder if she looks down on us and doesn’t want to do the things we do as a family. We go for walks by the sea and love looking for crabs in rock pools. She goes to expensive spas and designer shops. We just don’t fit any more.
I actually don’t think we have been pushy or unprepared to let him go and give him space. We have encouraged all of our children to find their own path and have never been needy. A couple of months ago he was really looking forward to the weekend and kept mentioning it, so something has changed.
Thank you for the advice about not stopping contact. I have no intention of doing that and actually I’m not cross any more ( I was a bit yesterday) I’m just hurt and worried. We will go away with everyone else and I’m sure it will be lovely. I think we probably all need a bit of space, but it’s sad and as a mother I want to be someone he can turn to

In August last year we invited our 3 children and their families to a weekend in an apartment hotel that we have paid for to celebrate my 60th birthday. We discussed where to go with all the children

Did you ask if they actually wanted to do it?
Was he excited and enthusiastic about it?
Did you involve wives/husbands/partners in this conversation?
We're they also excited?

I know it's easy to believe one thing is agreed when it really isnt.

...but now it's clear he doesn't want to come. Please don't push him into a celebration or it may taint the whole thing.
Sometimes we read consent into a non-committal reply because we want to.

This son hasn't been to other family events for years. I think you just have to suck this up I'm afraid.

There will still be family to celebrate with. Enjoy their company.

X post Susie1183
Apologies

Time to back off, just tell him `thanks for letting us know` and leave it at that

Let him do the chasing, he might never want to but you gave him wings to fly. Send them all birthday cards, presents etc to keep contact. No letters

Get on with your own life. He has made his choice and leaving him alone might, one day, bring him back

This is exactly the situation we had when arranging a weekend for the whole family to celebrate our Ruby wedding.
Suffice it to say that dil was trying to control everything son did, it eventually became intolerable and they are now divorced - and he is a different, much happier, person

I am so sad for you but my advice is go away with the rest of the family and have a good time. Just continue to be there for your son. Who knows what goes on in our adult children’s minds but keep in contact.

My eldest daughter married a man who borders on rude to DH and myself. They do lots with his family but not interested in us and my younger daughter’s family. For years I blamed my sil but actually now realising if my daughter wanted us in her life she would make more effort and sadly she hasn’t wanted the closeness we all previously shared. I don’t know why or what happened but accept the little contact that is still there and say nothing. When I tried to talk to her about it two years ago she seemed to have so much anger against me.

Go with the flow and hopefully in time things will be easier.

Susie1183 I had just the same as you but in reverse. My eldest daughter's husband would make it difficult for her to come to our family events. Eventually he had complete control over her and she has been estranged (her choice) for our entire family for just over 12 years.
It sounds as if your dil is controlling and your son has made a decision to stay, possibly for the sake of the children. Keep the lines of communication open. Swearing at him and getting angry only strengthens her grip on him if he feels he can no longer talk to his family. Enjoy your weekend and good luck for the future.

I understand how hurt and disappointed you must be Susie.

Based on our own experience it does sound as if your d.i.l.'s influence has a part to play, but however unpalatable it is to acknowledge and believe me it was very unpalatable for us, BlueBelle is right; if he really wanted to join you, he would find a way.

He may be going along with what his wife wants for 'a quiet life' which we believe our ES did but if so, I'm sorry to say that that's the choice he's making.

Our AC's partners don't have to spend time with us if they don't want too, but that's no reason why our AC and GC shouldn't either.

In the circumstances he should repay the cost of the accommodation booked for him and his family and if he doesn't offer, I would consider asking him too.

Enjoy your birthday celebrations with the rest of your family .

Great advice here, go and enjoy your time as much as possible.

Pull back from your son for a bit and just wait and see what happens.

I think karmalady has given good advice and is exactly what I was going to say.
The phrase ‘least said soonest mended’ comes to mind. You can’t alter the situation so just get on with having a good time away.

'We have already paid for our son’s 3 bedroom apartment for two nights.'
'We really wanted to have all of our children and grandchildren together, which hasn’t happened for 4 years'.
'My husband now says he wants nothing more to do with our son, although this is all very raw and feelings may change'.

You have your answer in what you have written. They are adults with their own lives.

Keep the door open, it sounds like coercive control.

I agree Sago.

As an adult with his own life GoodAfternoonTea the OP's son should not have agreed to go in the first place if he didn't want to go, and the reasons given for this last minute cancellation are IMO spurious

They are adults with their own lives. - that is of course true GoodAfternoonTea, but good manners and consideration still need to be adhered to.

Their son knows that they will have spent a lot of money on this event and should have expressed his desire not to go before the booking was made.

A family get together for a significant birthday is an entirely normal idea and in no way stops AC living their own lives.

For whatever reason your son has decided that he no longer wishes to go - you suspect (probably rightly from your subsequent posts) that DIL might be behind this. But there is nothing you can do and it is important that everyone puts this aside and makes up their mind to enjoy the weekend away together.

It may be that your son is in a difficult situation, torn between wife and wider family, so least said, soonest mended I think.

And none of that nonsense about going no contact - that never ends well!

GoodAfternoonTea

'We have already paid for our son’s 3 bedroom apartment for two nights.'
'We really wanted to have all of our children and grandchildren together, which hasn’t happened for 4 years'.
'My husband now says he wants nothing more to do with our son, although this is all very raw and feelings may change'.

You have your answer in what you have written. They are adults with their own lives.

They are adults with their own lives who dont have to be so selfish and rude by allowing it to be booked and money paid out and then making spurious excuses not to come. If they are adults they should behave like adults and say at the start that they prefer not to attend.

Susie whatever the reasons for thus behaviour I hope you can enjoy your time away with your other family. I suggest you stay quietly available and see how things pan out in the future depending in how this unhappy relationship progresses 💐

Susie I think it was appalling of your son and wife to ruin things in that way.
My best friend from schooldays, so way back when, eventually confided in me by saying that her DIL kept her away from the grandchildren at every point she could, I had no idea! She wasn’t ever invited to their birthdays when the DIL’s parents were always centre stage.Neither were her and her DH ever invited to accompany them to the zoo or for a day out anywhere, even tho they lived just a ten min drive away.Her son, once a loving son too was now totally under the thumb of his wife and just gave in to what she wanted.That shows to my mind that he had no respect for his parents at all and just wanted an easy life.
It made me glad I only had daughters tbh. At least daughters are honest with you.
I advised my friend to accept it and to row back on doing favours for this family and to enjoy their own life and spend their money on themselves.Which they now do am pleased to say.
There is no way to force adult children or their partners to change their selfish ways so all you can do is to back off and enjoy your own life.

It sounds like you have already passed judgement on your DIL. You need to allow them to work out their own lives and i imagine she can sense your disappproval of her. There could be anything behind your son’s decision and you may never be party to the dynamics of his family. I think it’s best to accept his decision gracefully and leave the door wide open for him and his wife.

Very rude and inconsiderate behaviour and I agree with the poster upthread who suggests you ask your son to cover the cost of the room you booked for them especially seeing as you say they are doing very well financially.
Our adult children are not children they are adults and should behave accordingly.
Would go away with other family members and enjoy your birthday.
Your DiL may be at fault but your son is the one who should be doing the right thing here. And he isn’t.
I understand your husband’s anger but that was just the heat of the moment and I imagine in time you will both see your son and GCs but time is very much needed right now. Just leave things in abeyance and don’t try to contact your son for now. You really don’t want to spoil your birthday even more.

In August last year we invited our 3 children and their families to a weekend in an apartment hotel that we have paid for to celebrate my 60th birthday..... The trip is now next weekend and yesterday he rang to say he can’t come because his wife has arranged to help with a school activity on one of the days and he has no one to look after the dog.

You invited your children, did they actually express interest and want to go on this trip? I'd not blame dil, hold your own child responsible.

Do have a lovely holiday with your other children.