Son is pushing us away

I fail to see how anyone can draw conclusions that this is the OPs fault in any way frankly. The son is at fault along with his wife, not because they don't want to come (hmm not sure the son doesn't but who knows) but because they have been selfish thoughtless rude and unkind.

Them not coming along is clearly not OPs fault, however apart from the financial aspect it's not clear not why OP desires a holiday with dil.

Cutting losses springs to mind.

What makes you think the OP applied pressure in the first place friendlygingercat and that any of her family accepted the invitation out of duty?

I wish I was stunned Madgran but it no longer surprises me as it happens all the time when a mother comes onto GN to talk about issues she's having with her son, which started when he got married.

Posters it seems can talk about their parents and/or p's.i.l. but when a m.i.l. does so, she's accused of being judgemental and/or jumping to conclusions.

I agree that it was wrong for your son to accept the invitation at the onset and allow you to go to so much trouble and expense in arranging it. He should have made his feelings clear at the onset that he did not want to attend a huge get together. But perhaps you should not have put pressure on him and his family to come at the onset.

Would you really WANT family members to attend some occasion out of a duty if you knew (because they had told you or shown by their reluctance) that they really didnt want to come?. I would not want to put pressure on a friend or relation to feel that they HAD to come and see me if I knew they were not going to enjoy the experience.

If your son has pulled back from these occasions for the last two years I think you will need to accept with good grace that he now has different priorities. If doesnt necessarily mean that you have done anything wrong. Just that he has moved on with his life as people often do.

I am stunned by how many posters who are apparently ignoring the appallingly rude and thoughtless behaviour by the AC whilst telling the OP to let them live their own lives or that they are adults or asking if the OP checked they wanted to come etc etc - all implied but assumed criticism of the OP!

susie has stated clearly that:

* they always encouraged their children to take their own path
* that two months ago the son was really looking forward to the weekend away
*that he is stepping back from his siblings too

The fact he said he was looking forward to it clearly suggests that either that was true at the time or that he/they arent adult enough to just explain if they dont want to come and frankly need to grow up or that something else is going on in what the OP says her son has described as an unhappy marriage.

I fail to see how anyone can draw conclusions that this is the OPs fault in any way frankly. The son is at fault along with his wife, not because they don't want to come (hmm not sure the son doesn't but who knows) but because they have been selfish thoughtless rude and unkind

Susie you know where things are at with your son including his upbringing and your own behaviours. I hope you can enjoy yourselves on your special break.

No Astitchintime the OP's son, wife and children were supposed to be going which is why a 3 bedroom apartment was booked and paid for, by the OP and her husband.

Her d.i.l. knowing that this was booked arranged to help with a school event so she couldn't go and now they're unable to find someone to look after the dog, despite having known about the event since last August!!!

Susie1183

Thank you for the helpful advice I have received, it is appreciated. The comments stating that I have ‘passed judgement’ or jumped to conclusions about my daughter in law are in my view unfair and deeply hurtful. We have always been loving and open with all our children’s partners and when our son has talked about her I have never said anything against her. I’m not going to defend myself on here but I hope that perhaps some posters can learn to be kind

^Last Summer his brother and family went on holiday close to where they live especially to try to see him and let the children see each other. He saw them for one afternoon but was withdrawn and left when his wife said they should go home. My other son was exasperated and didn’t know what to do.
We have gone down to see them often over the years, staying in a local b & b, but have found his wife unwelcoming and struggled to engage with her. The children are always delighted to see us and really now we go for them.
My feeling is that his wife has felt slightly threatened by his relationships with us and either consciously or unconsciously pulled him away. We have also noticed that as they have become more comfortable financially she has developed expensive taste and makes comments about others that lead me to wonder if she looks down on us and doesn’t want to do the things we do as a family. We go for walks by the sea and love looking for crabs in rock pools. She goes to expensive spas and designer shops.^

You appear to judge dil. Perhaps I'm mistaken, Apologies.

One of my sons-IL is not very sociable. He simply stays at home for some family events. No-one minds and it is not done in a "huffy" way but we recognise that our idea of family fun is not his. He stayed home for New Year while the rest of his family came and joined in - we wished him HNY and hoped he was enjoying the peace!

Yes I agree that comments about you having passed judgement or jumped to conclusions are unfair as well as being very hurtful Susie, but I'm afraid it's 'power for the course' here on GN with threads of this nature.

Ignore them .

I’m actually a bit confused……….was this ds going to come without his wife originally as she was staying home to dog sit but now the wife is doing a school event and can’t dog sit??

MrsFlowers

It sounds like you have already passed judgement on your DIL. You need to allow them to work out their own lives and i imagine she can sense your disappproval of her. There could be anything behind your son’s decision and you may never be party to the dynamics of his family. I think it’s best to accept his decision gracefully and leave the door wide open for him and his wife.

I agree with MrsFlowers.

Thank you for the helpful advice I have received, it is appreciated. The comments stating that I have ‘passed judgement’ or jumped to conclusions about my daughter in law are in my view unfair and deeply hurtful. We have always been loving and open with all our children’s partners and when our son has talked about her I have never said anything against her. I’m not going to defend myself on here but I hope that perhaps some posters can learn to be kind

In August last year we invited our 3 children and their families to a weekend in an apartment hotel that we have paid for to celebrate my 60th birthday..... The trip is now next weekend and yesterday he rang to say he can’t come because his wife has arranged to help with a school activity on one of the days and he has no one to look after the dog.

You invited your children, did they actually express interest and want to go on this trip? I'd not blame dil, hold your own child responsible.

Do have a lovely holiday with your other children.

Very rude and inconsiderate behaviour and I agree with the poster upthread who suggests you ask your son to cover the cost of the room you booked for them especially seeing as you say they are doing very well financially.
Our adult children are not children they are adults and should behave accordingly.
Would go away with other family members and enjoy your birthday.
Your DiL may be at fault but your son is the one who should be doing the right thing here. And he isn’t.
I understand your husband’s anger but that was just the heat of the moment and I imagine in time you will both see your son and GCs but time is very much needed right now. Just leave things in abeyance and don’t try to contact your son for now. You really don’t want to spoil your birthday even more.

It sounds like you have already passed judgement on your DIL. You need to allow them to work out their own lives and i imagine she can sense your disappproval of her. There could be anything behind your son’s decision and you may never be party to the dynamics of his family. I think it’s best to accept his decision gracefully and leave the door wide open for him and his wife.

Susie I think it was appalling of your son and wife to ruin things in that way.
My best friend from schooldays, so way back when, eventually confided in me by saying that her DIL kept her away from the grandchildren at every point she could, I had no idea! She wasn’t ever invited to their birthdays when the DIL’s parents were always centre stage.Neither were her and her DH ever invited to accompany them to the zoo or for a day out anywhere, even tho they lived just a ten min drive away.Her son, once a loving son too was now totally under the thumb of his wife and just gave in to what she wanted.That shows to my mind that he had no respect for his parents at all and just wanted an easy life.
It made me glad I only had daughters tbh. At least daughters are honest with you.
I advised my friend to accept it and to row back on doing favours for this family and to enjoy their own life and spend their money on themselves.Which they now do am pleased to say.
There is no way to force adult children or their partners to change their selfish ways so all you can do is to back off and enjoy your own life.

GoodAfternoonTea

'We have already paid for our son’s 3 bedroom apartment for two nights.'
'We really wanted to have all of our children and grandchildren together, which hasn’t happened for 4 years'.
'My husband now says he wants nothing more to do with our son, although this is all very raw and feelings may change'.

You have your answer in what you have written. They are adults with their own lives.

They are adults with their own lives who dont have to be so selfish and rude by allowing it to be booked and money paid out and then making spurious excuses not to come. If they are adults they should behave like adults and say at the start that they prefer not to attend.

Susie whatever the reasons for thus behaviour I hope you can enjoy your time away with your other family. I suggest you stay quietly available and see how things pan out in the future depending in how this unhappy relationship progresses 💐

They are adults with their own lives. - that is of course true GoodAfternoonTea, but good manners and consideration still need to be adhered to.

Their son knows that they will have spent a lot of money on this event and should have expressed his desire not to go before the booking was made.

A family get together for a significant birthday is an entirely normal idea and in no way stops AC living their own lives.

For whatever reason your son has decided that he no longer wishes to go - you suspect (probably rightly from your subsequent posts) that DIL might be behind this. But there is nothing you can do and it is important that everyone puts this aside and makes up their mind to enjoy the weekend away together.

It may be that your son is in a difficult situation, torn between wife and wider family, so least said, soonest mended I think.

And none of that nonsense about going no contact - that never ends well!

I agree Sago.

As an adult with his own life GoodAfternoonTea the OP's son should not have agreed to go in the first place if he didn't want to go, and the reasons given for this last minute cancellation are IMO spurious

Keep the door open, it sounds like coercive control.

'We have already paid for our son’s 3 bedroom apartment for two nights.'
'We really wanted to have all of our children and grandchildren together, which hasn’t happened for 4 years'.
'My husband now says he wants nothing more to do with our son, although this is all very raw and feelings may change'.

You have your answer in what you have written. They are adults with their own lives.

I think karmalady has given good advice and is exactly what I was going to say.
The phrase ‘least said soonest mended’ comes to mind. You can’t alter the situation so just get on with having a good time away.

Great advice here, go and enjoy your time as much as possible.

Pull back from your son for a bit and just wait and see what happens.

I understand how hurt and disappointed you must be Susie.

Based on our own experience it does sound as if your d.i.l.'s influence has a part to play, but however unpalatable it is to acknowledge and believe me it was very unpalatable for us, BlueBelle is right; if he really wanted to join you, he would find a way.

He may be going along with what his wife wants for 'a quiet life' which we believe our ES did but if so, I'm sorry to say that that's the choice he's making.

Our AC's partners don't have to spend time with us if they don't want too, but that's no reason why our AC and GC shouldn't either.

In the circumstances he should repay the cost of the accommodation booked for him and his family and if he doesn't offer, I would consider asking him too.

Enjoy your birthday celebrations with the rest of your family .

Susie1183 I had just the same as you but in reverse. My eldest daughter's husband would make it difficult for her to come to our family events. Eventually he had complete control over her and she has been estranged (her choice) for our entire family for just over 12 years.
It sounds as if your dil is controlling and your son has made a decision to stay, possibly for the sake of the children. Keep the lines of communication open. Swearing at him and getting angry only strengthens her grip on him if he feels he can no longer talk to his family. Enjoy your weekend and good luck for the future.