Hello, I’ll try to keep this as brief as possible. Our son is married with 3 children. His wife has increasingly appeared to form a wedge between us in various ways. In August last year we invited our 3 children and their families to a weekend in an apartment hotel that we have paid for to celebrate my 60th birthday. We discussed where to go with all the children and chose a place that is not too far for anyone to travel to, but actually closest to him. It would take him about an hour to get there and us and our other two children about two and a half hours. The trip is now next weekend and yesterday he rang to say he can’t come because his wife has arranged to help with a school activity on one of the days and he has no one to look after the dog. My husband was very upset on the phone and told him it isn’t fair to let us down at this stage. We have already paid for our son’s 3 bedroom apartment for two nights. He swore at my husband and put the phone down. We are terribly upset but actually I have been worried for months that he would do this because I am positive his wife wouldn’t have wanted to come. We really wanted to have all of our children and grandchildren together, which hasn’t happened for 4 years. He always makes an excuse (he hasn’t come to the last two christenings). We have done nothing that we know of to upset him and have always been very supportive both emotionally and financially. He is now very comfortably off and always going away for weekends and on holiday (he’s just come back from skiing over Christmas) so he isn’t worried about petrol money or any financial aspect of the weekend. My husband now says he wants nothing more to do with our son, although this is all very raw and feelings may change.
Any advice would be welcome.
* I have been worried for months that he would do this because I am positive his wife wouldn’t have wanted to come*
Then you should never have put your son in the position of having to back her up.
Now noticed the original date of the op[I normally always read that first]
I do hope things all went well.
I often agree with you norah but not on this one,
Sounds all very much like to me that this is about what the dil wants.
Someone said, earlier in the thread, the son could put his foot down.
But from what I see in real life
a. that rarely happens, and
b. he starts putting his marriage at risk.
I am not saying the son shouldnt, but there are always many possible likely outcomes if that is done.
All of which need to be taken into consideration.
I’m wondering how the OP’s birthday party went.
Susie, if you’re reading this, I do hope you had a great party, regardless of whether your son and d.i.l. attended or not. I’ve only just seen this thread. Lots of belated birthday wishes. Enjoy the rest of the year and many more to come 
It sounds as if your son’s marriage is in trouble Jeanie, family spending every weekend with you. You would think a mother woukd want to spend time with her children.
If they agreed to go then what they did is absolutely nasty. To let you down last minute with no genuine reason unbelievable, how anyone could do that to their parents is beyond me.If this was created by his wife he had choices, he could have gone with the children without her. He almost certainly should pay for any expenses incurred on the family’s behalf, he should offer without being asked.
I can’t imagine my son or daughter treating me like this, if they did I wouldn’t say anything and wait for the it reaction. Treat your grandchildren the same as always, if this silence goes on for any length of time start sending postcards and letters (dependant on age) to the children.Tell them how much you love them etc etc.
You don’t know your sons relationship could be breaking down.I am sure you know but never make any comment to your son about his wife or offer advice.
I have a know it all DIL she did visit us some years ago and went out every Sunday with us for a meal. Our situation now is our son and the GC come for the day Saturday and Sunday all day and we go for a meal Sunday together without her, it makes for a lovely weekend and we all have lots of fun.
Yes I know exactly what projection is BlessedArt and not everyone projects because of MIL/DIL issues.
Smileless2012
^No need to project one's own situation on to the OP^ maybe you could give that a try BlessedArt.
Referring to the OP's son as a prince is offensive not just to the OP but to her son. The tone deafness comes from those who automatically point the finger at the m.i.l., despite what we've been told, and I question the intent of your narrative which always appears to be against the mothers and m's.i.l. in these situations.
Do you understand what projection is? I have no MIL/DIL issues to “project”. I get on with my DIL. Never had major problems with my MIL. Maybe those who lack MIL/DIL issues have a higher chance of an objective view than those who see their own trauma in everyone else’s MIL/DIL issues? What positive goal could possibly stem from planting unproven seeds of abuse in the minds of already hurting parents? I don’t believe there is any goal to provide practical help and advice every time that happens. I don’t.
I don't think he had intention of going.
The person who was looking after the dog for the trip could of looked after it when your dil was out.
Your dil helping with a school activity still could of ment your son and grandchildren could of come, even for the day.
I don't think they'd even booked a sitter as it would of been booked and paid for by now.
I think it's easy to blame her as there's a back story but I'd look at your son's behaviour and see if he's using her to get out of things.
It’s possible your dil didn’t want to go. It’s also possible your son doesn’t is using this excuse. Regardless of what it is he’s been clear in that he’s not attending. I’d make peace with that and try to enjoy the time with the others.
It’s very convenient to blame those pesky dils but your son is a grown man using dog sitting as an excuse. He - himself - has decided he doesn’t want to come. This is on him. He hasn’t attended family functions in years. He has decided it is not a priority to him. Put the blame and hurt where it belongs.
Me too, hope you all had a wonderful time Susie.
Maremia
If you have just had your weekend away, with some of the family, I hope it went well enough, and that you both were able to relax and enjoy yourself, after all of that disappointment.
I second that Maremia
Susie I really hope you all enjoyed yourselves and that your birthday treat was special for you all
If you have just had your weekend away, with some of the family, I hope it went well enough, and that you both were able to relax and enjoy yourself, after all of that disappointment.
Norah Attempting control is not accepting DS may decline invites
No it's not! It is understandable disappointment after:
1. the invitation was accepted;
2. the son expressed excitement and aid he was looking forward to it a few weeks before
3. DiL arranging to help at the school and strangely the dog no longer having a carer, despite originally they were apparently both coming without the dog!!
The OP has said nothing that suggests she thinks her AC can't decline an invitation if they want to. She could have done without them declining in the way that they did which is no way to treat anyone, least if all your family!
🤔!!
paddyann54
My late father in law didn,t want me to marry his son he made life difficult for me when we visited.
He loved our children but still took any chance to dismiss what I said and it was very clear for over 30 years what his opinion of me was.
Consequently my husband used to make excuses not to visit them …sometimes using me as the excuse..but really because he didn,t like the atmosphere
I was the person who bought and gave presents and cards to his family made the celebration cakes for birthdays and anniversaries so it hurt that I was disliked.
Just before he died he told me that he couldn,t have picked a better wife for his son.
Shame he didn,t realise his son knew better than he did even way back when we were you .
Sometimes parents project THEIR feeling on the daughter or son in law and often they couldn,t be further from the truth.
If you clear.y have issues,she,ll know and and he might be staying away to save his WIFE from hurt .
Just my view.
Yes paddyann that could be the situation and the reason. I am sorry that you endured that yourself. However the way the OP writes about this problem, including their efforts to include the DiL, and the way the siblings as well as the parents seem worried about him does not particularly suggest it in this case.
Either way the son and DiL are certainly making it more difficult for themselves by agreeing; son showing enthusiasm and then pulling out last minute. And the son previously telling his mum he is unhappy in his marriage also suggests that this may well not be the miserable situation that you sadly faced.
*Norah So my understanding is that you view:
1. Parents inviting their AC to a birthday celebration weekend with all the family getting together as "attempting to control".
2. Siblings arranging to holiday fairly near another sibling to provide an opportunity to catch up as "attempting to control".
Am I correct in my understanding?
My late father in law didn,t want me to marry his son he made life difficult for me when we visited.
He loved our children but still took any chance to dismiss what I said and it was very clear for over 30 years what his opinion of me was.
Consequently my husband used to make excuses not to visit them …sometimes using me as the excuse..but really because he didn,t like the atmosphere
I was the person who bought and gave presents and cards to his family made the celebration cakes for birthdays and anniversaries so it hurt that I was disliked.
Just before he died he told me that he couldn,t have picked a better wife for his son.
Shame he didn,t realise his son knew better than he did even way back when we were you .
Sometimes parents project THEIR feeling on the daughter or son in law and often they couldn,t be further from the truth.
If you clear.y have issues,she,ll know and and he might be staying away to save his WIFE from hurt .
Just my view.
Or so it seems!!! You must be joking Norah. He's cancelled having already agreed to go, swore at his father and at the time of the OP's post hadn't even offered to refund them.
No thank you should have been his response last August when they were originally invited.
Smileless2012
"We invited our 3 children and their partners"; control!!!
"We discussed where to go with all the children"; control!!!
Sorry Norah but can't find where the OP's other children are attempting to control visits unless you're referring to them inviting their brother to their children's christenings.
Attempting control is not accepting DS may decline invites.
DS may not be declining politely, or so it seems.
Perhaps "no thank you" could be his response, refuse to discuss.
"We invited our 3 children and their partners"; control!!!
"We discussed where to go with all the children"; control!!!
Sorry Norah but can't find where the OP's other children are attempting to control visits unless you're referring to them inviting their brother to their children's christenings.
Madgran77
Yes Norah but even when the rudeness has been acknowledged, the reasoning around the OPs "culpability" for the situation arising has been astounding in some cases.
What exactly are you identifying from what the OP has said as "parental control" by the way
Attempt control of AC visiting each other, and other siblings attempting to control visits. Several examples given by OP.
'We really wanted to have all of our children and grandchildren together, which hasn’t happened for 4 years'.
Parents want what they want, AC may not always be available.
Last Summer his brother and family went on holiday close to where they live especially to try to see him and let the children see each other. He saw them for one afternoon but was withdrawn and left when his wife said they should go home. My other son was exasperated and didn’t know what to do.
Siblings want what they want for their own reasons, nothing to say all family members need to agree with being controlled.
DS should return money, issue apologies for phone incident. The entire family should back away allowing tensions to calm for as long as necessary.
Yes Norah but even when the rudeness has been acknowledged, the reasoning around the OPs "culpability" for the situation arising has been astounding in some cases.
What exactly are you identifying from what the OP has said as "parental control" by the way
Smileless2012
I agree Madgran but those not estranged or having problems with their relationship with their AC appear to be the ones unwilling or unable to have empathy or consider the nuances here.
No. Many of those who have good relationships with their children have said DS was rude swearing at his father and cancelling late. However, parental control need not be exerted.
Lovely if DS could repay his parents the cost of the holiday.
I agree Madgran but those not estranged or having problems with their relationship with their AC appear to be the ones unwilling or unable to have empathy or consider the nuances here.
Well possibly Smileless but empathy and consideration of all the nuances of relationships does not depend on that in relation to this OP and particular situation. 🤔
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