Acceptance and/or Peace

OP I have no advice re estrangement, but I have AC and who knows what could be ahead of me.

Certainly one possible DH of one DD could have encouraged her to block us from her life. Luckily for us and possibly for her the relationship broke up before marriage.
Lots of good advice on the thread.
My only input is to say instead of buying gifts and cards could you donate the amount to a charity like Magic Breakfast or the charity which provides children's beds for families who cannot provide one. Then you would feel you are really helping another family.

Talking to a professional yesterday I realise that sadly my son has fallen head over heels in love with someone who is neuodivergent .

Smileless2012
I once made arrangements for the care of my father and saw their old house .
I was horrified by the mess :
Dishes were piled up at the sink (there was a dishwasher )washing moudering in the machine ,food rotting in the fridge,bins overflowing,bl--dy STs littered the bathroom floor and the whole house stank .
I rolled up my sleeves and blitzed the place
I had a taste of what looking after my grandchild would be like.
It took me over two hours to get there and then I had to wait for another hour to be let in by Her Royal Highness.

I was spoken to rudely by my son.

Treated like an unpaid skivvy - I left feeling so depressed .

My father passed over two years ago and I could visit the new house , but I'm not invited.

And frankly,I don't want to go anymore.

The solution for us was to leave him to it Esmay and TBH to be thankful that we're out of it.

Smileless2012 -

Years ago , I knew an elderly lady who was left alone when her son and family went to Australia .She never heard from them again .
I didn't think that it would happen to me.

Nothing surprizes me anymore .

Having a conversation with my daughter in law was like walking on eggshells .
She made nasty comments about me .
I was banned from going to her parents'house despite being invited .
Even if it's an emergency any call or text are ignored .
I can't recall the last time she came to my house.
I've never been invited to their new home.

So I know exactly how you feel .
I don't have a solution .

Btw some amazing advice on here and I truly hope all those estranged find their own inner peace

I think only you can answer this question anonymose

Whatever brings you inner peace and is right for you.

Whenever I read the threads on here I realise how lucky we are never to have experienced estrangement and how easily it can happen. I never take this for granted and wish you well

That's what we believe too Esmay. Our ES was particularly close to me. She even told me once, before they were married that she used to be jealous of our relationship because she hadn't realised that's how a relationship between an AC and parent could be. Her childhood had been rather dysfunctional and as an adult, relationship with her own parents was on/off according to what she wanted.

She was very demanding of our son's time and attention. No idea if anything's changed in that regard but I doubt it.

I'm glad you felt calmer yesterday anonymose. There will always be good and bad days and for us, as time has progressed the bad days have certainly decreased .

Smileless2012
I actually believe that my daughter ìn law was insanely jealous of my relationship with my son .
She certainly demonstrated jealousy of his previous long term serious girlfriend.
She has what I call a cuckoo mentally in which she's got rid of the other birds in the nest and installed herself.
Super demanding and clingy she wears my son out .
Since he met her-he has lost all his drive and ambition .

yes so very many sad stories & I'm reading here too how varied our situations all are. No one thing seems to have precipitated these estrangements & yet all these people (Mums mainly) are coping with the effects.
I feel a lot calmer today, have tidied our spare room - where his little girl stayed in while visiting - & I have put away his birthday gift in her "treasures box". I dont need to go into this area of our house but I know its there.
I hope our son has some peace with his Muslim faith & I agree that honouring a parent is a cornerstone to Islam - but that has to be his cross to bear.
I wish all of you some comfort with your memories & peace as you wished me in moving forward. Thank you

So many very sad stories, & to not even know why must be utterly heartbreaking. So many families who are fractured and suffering so much

Apart from being an "unplanned baby" your first paragraph is a perfect description of our ES Esmay as is the "dramatic change" which happened when their first child was born. Your d.i.l's. treatment of her remaining parent also applies to our ES's wife.

Granless

I’m estranged from my son. It would be interesting to hear from those people who did the estranging and why they chose to do what they did.

My niece is estranged from her mother my sister. My niece and I talk about it often as
do me and my sister.

My sister is bereft, my niece is adamant she will never have contact.

It’s heartbreaking, my sister and I stopped talking recently because she felt it was my duty to make my niece have contact with her. I could see attempts to do this were effecting my nieces MH. My sister didn’t understand this. I had to step away from my sister. We have reconciled now, my sister has come to terms, at some level with this awful situation. She has stopped attempts to make contact with her daughter.

Things are better now that they are totally NC. They are better within themselves. My sister grieves but there is no other option, she therefore is building a life for herself without her daughter and granddaughter.

My niece will not bend on this issue. She actively dislikes her mother . My niece is a troubled person, she works, she is independent, she is a mother, she doesn’t always make the best decisions, being NC
with her mother being one of them. But she blames all of this on her mother. My sister, is not the most self aware person and when they were talking, denied all that my niece said, wouldn’t listen, was defensive and feels that if her daughter would do as she is told everything would be alright.

It seems as if estrangement is more common than I once thought as I now know a few people who have been estranged or who have been threatened with estrangement by family who have already estranged other family members. It is very sad and I feel so sorry for those affected.
A friend of mine has been estranged by one of his sons and he doesn't know why. He was in contact until his wife died a couple of years ago and the son attended the funeral and wake, where I met him for the first time. Shortly afterwards he cut contact, so clearly he had a problem with his dad that he had never voiced and once his mum had died he no longer wanted contact. Thankfully my friend has a good relationship with his other 2 children, but it is very sad.
Whatever you choose to do you need to protect yourself from further hurt as far as you can.

I'm another mother ,who doesn't even recognise the aggressive ,angry foul mouthed son ,who once gave her such limitless joy.
An unplanned baby -he was handsome,highly intelligent,very loving and brilliantly funny.

I thought that I was so lucky.

The dramatic change occurred when he met his now wife so it's a decade ago.
She doesn't treat her remaining parent with any respect either though she's not excluded as she's useful.
She's extremely lazy to the point of being unhygienic and he struggles to work ,raise their child and keep house.
I'm blamed and punished for not helping.
I can hardly bear to even think about what's happened.
I cried over Christmas and New Year .
So I certainly understand how you feel and sympathesise.
Smileless2012 - I have dozens of Muslim friends from different countries and though none of them say it directly-they are really upset for me.
One man on hearing that I was alone over the holiday turned away in tears .
They offer to shop,even garden and take me to medical appointments.
So far I haven't accepted their very kind gestures of friendship.
I pray daily for every parent going through this epidemic of hatred .

"I just don't recognise her/him anymore" is as you say a very common response from those who have been estranged GoldenAge. I've seen that numerous times here on GN and on other estrangement sites I've been on and have said it myself.

Human beings evolve in their personalities continually that's true but for some EP's they haven't seen this happen gradually over a period of time, it's happened very quickly and the 'change' is so extreme that they literally no longer recognise the child standing before them.

You make a good point about the importance and role of parents in the Muslim faith Esmay. Reverence, kindness and honour to the extent of forbidding any utterances of contempt. Akin to the Christian teaching of honouring one's mother and father.

Believe me ,you are far from being alone.
I know so many people ,who are completely devastated by estrangement.
One of my friends is being forced to sell the family home due to divorce .
One of her daughters lives with her in stony silence and she's not allowed to touch her baby !
When the house is finally sold I doubt if she'll see her again .

It's up to you -sending little gifts and cards reminds them of your existence.
I wonder how they'd feel the day that they stop coming !

If your son takes Islam seriously and mixes with his Muslim brethren -he'll learn that ignoring your parents is considered to be totally unacceptable and they will tell him .

Wishing you some sort of resolution in your unhappy situation .
Bless you .

I’m estranged from my son. It would be interesting to hear from those people who did the estranging and why they chose to do what they did.

anonymose - every single instance of estrangement is different and the varied responses on this thread show that. But essentially there are only two avenues to go down - try to reach a place of acceptance (which can be difficult and impossible to achieve) or remain in hope and existential uncertainty and that is not good for the nervous system. So my advice is to seek out a therapist with particular expertise in bereavement/estrangement and that person will help you to explore your feelings so that you can eventually decide how you want to proceed. Allsorts is correct - you are grieving what you had at the time or at least what you thought you had. Human beings evolve in their personalities continually and as a therapist I often hear clients saying "I just don't recognise her/him anymore". I hope you decide to prioritise yourself and find a suitable therapist. Concentrate on understanding your own emotions because they're the only ones you can change.

Our ES's 40th birthday hit me hard Missiseff . I wasn't expecting it too as it was last year, almost 13 years since he estranged us so I think it must have been because it's a milestone.

We have to a great extent moved on with our lives and rebuilt them but that doesn't mean we're immune to these triggers and I don't expect we ever will be.

It's so painful isn't it? Like living in pergatory. I don't send mine anything any more because I know they're not wanted. My Son will be 40 in a few weeks and I honestly don't know how I'll get through it.

i had to let go but it was my dad, he left me when i was 3, i only found out he was my dad when i was 11, he came back for a few weeks when my gran died (his mum), i was 18 and tried to keep a relationship with him but he stayed in england and i was in scotland, i gave up for a few years, got married had my son, my son was 5 when he asked why he did not have a granda, i tried again but he wanted to leave things alone. 10 years ago i decided to try and find him and hoped it was not on a death certificate, my half sister found my post on facebook and i contacted him, we had the last 10 years until he died last september. i did not get to know a dad, he was a friend, the dad part i had to leave behind all those years ago. what your son is doing is hurting you, maybe it is time to stop the cards and gifts and hope he comes back, my dad was not by my side when i got married, had my son or to help me through the grief of being widowed at 39. i hope your sons new religion might help or when his birthday comes around and there is no card. big hugs and good luck.

I know what estrangement feels like. I know in my life what it feels like for others.
I am not anti-hope, quite the opposite. None of us knows what lies around the corner in this life and I do know many who have been reconciled after many years, with varying levels of success.
Estrangement does cause depression, anxiety, loss of self esteem because others tell me this all the time and I have experienced it myself.
There are many Grans on here who speak about the impact estrangement has had on them, including OP.
Not everyone can 'move on,' especially when it comes to trigger events such as birthdays and Christmas.
People can learn to live with it, of course, but to say people can and should get on with their lives is not so easy and doesn't reflect the complexities of human relationships.
On the other hand, it seems to some that I am way out in my opinions, and so I will now bow out of this discussion.

thank you for all of your very kind words. As I said above the day got to me & brought lots of memories back. We've recently had his child - almost 8 & a total delight - staying with us for a weeks holiday, so nice.
But I wont taint her relationship with her Dad, I do know for certain that he loves her dearly & I've heard/read of families that can be torn apart when adults use children as pawns.
She did love looking through some of our albums with her Dad as a little boy too, so at this early stage I might plan on a treasure box to keep any cards & gifts in for him too.

I have a small box that I keep little gifts & messages to us from our grandchild, full of loomband animals, origami shapes & plasticene snails

Thanks again - his estrangement stuff is like a pebble on water - the ripples go out & affect so many people. And also, you never know what someone else is dealing with too - hugs & a deep breath to you all too

keepingquiet

I don't think it is in our human nature to pretend we don't feel hurt when we do.

Lying to others is one thing, but lying to oneself can be damaging for all sorts of reasons.

If people feel a sense of grief and bereavement then why can't others accept that that is how they geniunely feel, and not try to negate it with words like 'leave them be' or 'Enjoy your life,' these things are very hard to deal with- we are not robots- you can't just shrug your shoulders and say, 'Oh well, I didn't really like him anyway...'

Your wouldn't expect some one who just had their leg cut off to go run on the leg that was left, would you?

Estrangement is painful, damaging and life destroying- not the best thing since sliced bread. Let's stop pretending...

I don't think people are suggesting estranged parents should "pretend" by saying "leave them be"or "enjoy your life"! They are rather suggesting that acceptance that an AC has made this decision leads to acceptance of a new reality for their life in future and that might enable them to create a new version to the life that they had expected.

Estrangement IS a source of grief. Just as when a loved one dies and those left behind have to come to terms with a new reality , so estranged parents have to come to terms with a new reality without their loved AC.