Acceptance and/or Peace

Have you spoken to a therapist or counselor about this? I only know estrangement from the other side. We estranged my in-laws decades ago now. I ask about the counseling because I think the answer to this question is going to be different for different people. My advice would be - if you knew with all certain that these cards. Birthday gifts - would never bring about any sort of reconciliation, would you continue to send them ? And I’d the answer is no then perhaps work toward accepting. If it’s yes - because you send them so that you feel you’ve never fully abandoned him then continue on. Really at this point it’s about protecting your heart. I commend you for your post. You do not vilify your child and seem to have already found some acceptable that this is what he’s chosen. That’s already light years ahead of some. I wish you the most peace

I just wanted to send a 🤗
You sound a very caring understanding Mum and although I ve got no answers I hope it works in your favour
I hope one day (soon) he returns to you if only from afar

Hello anonymose.

We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 13 years and for us, acceptance brought us peace. Accepting that there's nothing you can do eventually slows down the emotional roller coaster that estrangement puts you on, before finally stopping it all together.

If you find comfort in sending your son gifts and cards despite getting no response then do so, but if doing so ignites that tiny flame of hope that he will respond and leaves you heartbroken when he doesn't, maybe it's the time to stop.

You will not be abandoning him. He has taken the decision to estrange you, to exclude you from his life and what you'll be doing is finding the best way forward as you begin to rebuild your life without him because this isn't just about him, it's about you too.

As for parking your emotions, I don't think that's ever truly possible because just as it is when someone we love dies, there will always be triggers. Their birthday; your birthday; mothers day and fathers day. Sometimes a piece of music or something on the tv and sometimes nothing discernible can suddenly reduce you to tears.

Don't be afraid of your emotions; don't try to bottle them up and deny their existence which I think if you try to park
them, is what you'll be doing because acknowledging and facing them is what you need to do to be able to find acceptance and peace.

Estrangement is referred too as a living bereavement as we grieve for the loss of those we love who still live.

anonymose I think you need to think about what is the right thing for you to cope with his decision. Acceptance of his decision does not mean that all your own needs are put aside.

If sending cards comforts you and reassures you that he knows if he chooses to that you will never abandon him, then do it. If he really does not want you to, he can tell you either directly or through wider family.

I do think that if you are sending to give yourself hope then maybe you should think again but only you can decide on that one 💐

I have some relatives whose children have estranged them. They are a very forceful and domineering couple and I think mother tried to interfere in wedding arrangements etc. The mother still controls the situation by putting endless posts on FB about deserting your mother who brought you up. If it were me, I would get a nice chest and put into it every birthday card, gift etc and dedicate to my child but make sure I did not call, contact, or in way connect with them. Estrangement can be a two way street. Don't feed it in the hope that he will reply. Every time he gets a card from you he may reel backwards. If he wants contact her will contact you. If you go silent it will raise a question in his mind as to why. It gives you a bit of space and dignity. You also have a life to lead. Please don't use your son to validate it. You own it. Your choice.

It’s incredibly sad and there others on this forum with similar stories, I can only think it’s a MH issue for many of these AC.
I would accept the situation now and stop any cards and so on.
If he ever wants to communicate with you in the future then he knows where you are.
I don’t think there can be anything more painful for a parent than this situation.💐

I’m sorry anonymose to hear your sorry and I’m afraid I don’t have any advice . However I’m very pleased that you haven’t criticised your son or his child’s mother and her family . Many on here do and of course there are two sides to a story .
I like the chest or box idea to put gifts or cards . I also think therapy is a good idea .
Do you have contact with his child ?
Sending virtual hugs 🤗

My heart goes out to you. One of the things with estrangement is it calls into question your own personal integrity- you begin to negate your own feelings and ideals because this is where the lack of communiation takes you. It takes you inside yourself where you can only assume you did something to make these things happen and therefore you must be a bad person.
I know this because I experienced it myself- thankfully only for a short time. However, re-engaging comes with its own issues too.
I would say birthdays will always be triggers- tomorrow it will be over. It may help as others have suggested, to either go with your feelings, give in to the sorrow and express your sadness in any way you can, or you can just focus on self-care and give yourself some treat in order to recognise that you are a person worthy of being loved, and self-love has to exist before you can trulylove others.
In the end hang on to hope- that one day there will be a change, but maybe it just won't be today.
Your post begins with an apology. You have nothing at all to apologise for.

I am the one who estranged my parents. That being said, my best advice is to feel your feelings about it.

Have you allowed yourself to grieve the loss? Really accept that he has stepped away and feel what you feel. Holding it in doesn't make it go away. These things that we shove down will find ways to bubble up until they are faced head on.

So feel how you feel before putting it away in the little box in your head. It's scary to let yourself feel that because it makes it more real, but in the end it's a necessary part of grieving.

Once you've really done that it becomes easier to put it away and move on with your life the best you can. There are other people to love and connections to be made.

We loved what they were. Just who are they now?

That's very powerful Allsorts.

Thanks Smileless, I have thought for some time I wouldn't know her now, but it seemed so disloyal somehow to my own flesh and blood.

Allsorts you are right. I will always love my son but the kind loving son I knew for 32 years. He is now a stranger , but then again I am no longer the mom he knew I have no tolerance for what my son and daughter in law put me through before and since the estrangement 5.5 years ago.

Anonymose my son sent me the email May 2020 and letter August 2020 which stated zero contact . Last time I saw and spoke to me son was 4 days before his email. I had no idea what was to come .

Autumn 2023 I decided to give up any hope of seeing or speaking to my son ever again. Glad I made that decision as I have been happier . There is no point in holding on to hope where there is none . He made his choice . The worst thing for me isn't not seeing my 3 grandson's and I don't know the name or date of birth of the youngest . It's the realisation that my son is a cruel coward. He should have told me to my face on my birthday he will never speak or see me ever again . He was brought up to face things head on not hide behind an electronic message and paper one.

He did something when he was 14-15 can't remember which age and blamed it on his dad having cancer ..I told him then never to make me ashamed that he is my son . He promised he wouldn't he has smashed that promise to bits.

I can never forgive or forget how much he hurt his dad and will never forgive or forget him over the estrangement.

Silence I have had from him suits me just find . If he did want to contact me he will have to face me in my home and my turn to have my say . But there can never be a reconnection he destroyed any hope of that .

Make your choice and never regret it . I made the right choice for me .

I hear you. You might want to leave him be. Enjoy your life with love in your heart for him x

I feel your pain so much as a mother. I have two friends who have no contact with a child and I know they are in such pain not knowing what has caused this rift. I very nearly became estranged from my own father and his cruel words and acts are still with me even though he died some years ago. I would have found no peace from cutting him off though.
I hope you find peace even if you don’t receive contact. If you decide to stop sending cards etc, maybe keep then in a box and donate to a charity you know he supports at special times of the year. I wish you love and peace. 💔💐

For many the pain of not knowing and only being able to surmise why they've been estranged is awful Ffion, which is why this estrangement forum has been such a blessing for so many.

Knowing that you are not alone really is a comfort and the more EP's have the courage to speak out about their experiences, the more EP's can be supported and helped.

I don't think it is in our human nature to pretend we don't feel hurt when we do.

Lying to others is one thing, but lying to oneself can be damaging for all sorts of reasons.

If people feel a sense of grief and bereavement then why can't others accept that that is how they geniunely feel, and not try to negate it with words like 'leave them be' or 'Enjoy your life,' these things are very hard to deal with- we are not robots- you can't just shrug your shoulders and say, 'Oh well, I didn't really like him anyway...'

Your wouldn't expect some one who just had their leg cut off to go run on the leg that was left, would you?

Estrangement is painful, damaging and life destroying- not the best thing since sliced bread. Let's stop pretending...

I'm not sure what you mean by let's stop pretending keepingquiet.

Encouraging others to accept that the relationship is over and to rebuild their lives isn't negating the pain that they're experiencing. Far from it, especially when it comes from others who are estranged.

When I first came to GN nearly 13 years ago, there were very few talking about their estrangement and those of us who were, were still at the beginning of this horrible journey. There wasn't at the time anyone who'd been navigating this for sometime and had been able to accept and move on.

I know it would have helped me enormously if there had been, because it can feel that your life is over and you'll never find peace or happiness again, but you can.

Finding hope when everything seems hopeless can be a life saver.

Smileless2012
offers very conforting and realistic words.

keepingquiet estrangement is painful at the start especially as you don't know the real reason just the crap my son wrote .

But it is not damaging and life destroying .

I am not damaged or destroyed by being estranged by my son.

In fact I am stronger than ever. My husband dieing at the age of 47 half me of died the minute he took his last breath and haven't been whole since . What my son has done doesn't compare to my husband's death.

I miss my husband everyday but I don't miss my son . My husband had no choice he had to die the cancer was eating him alive and in agony and couldn't breath on full oxygen.

My son made his choice . I have made my choice and let go of hope . Anyway we are strangers now . Forgiveness ,trust and forgetting what he and my daughter in law have done I will never do .

Still haven't forgiven my brother for something that happened over 35 years ago because of lies told by his second wife. The hurt she inflicted on our parents is beyond forgiveness .

But then again keepingquiet we never agree on anything.

keepingquiet

I don't think it is in our human nature to pretend we don't feel hurt when we do.

Lying to others is one thing, but lying to oneself can be damaging for all sorts of reasons.

If people feel a sense of grief and bereavement then why can't others accept that that is how they geniunely feel, and not try to negate it with words like 'leave them be' or 'Enjoy your life,' these things are very hard to deal with- we are not robots- you can't just shrug your shoulders and say, 'Oh well, I didn't really like him anyway...'

Your wouldn't expect some one who just had their leg cut off to go run on the leg that was left, would you?

Estrangement is painful, damaging and life destroying- not the best thing since sliced bread. Let's stop pretending...

Well, we can all suffer traumatic events in life, which can be anything, and not just estrangement.

You have to reach that point, in some circumstances, where you accept you cannot change a thing.

So, you adjust, time does heal (cliche as it is), and you put the trauma to one side, stop rehashing it, and live your life.

The pain never really goes, but it becomes a side issue to daily living.

Not easy, but accepting the inevitable helps towards having a happier life.

It’s not pretending.

keepingquiet

I don't think it is in our human nature to pretend we don't feel hurt when we do.

Lying to others is one thing, but lying to oneself can be damaging for all sorts of reasons.

If people feel a sense of grief and bereavement then why can't others accept that that is how they geniunely feel, and not try to negate it with words like 'leave them be' or 'Enjoy your life,' these things are very hard to deal with- we are not robots- you can't just shrug your shoulders and say, 'Oh well, I didn't really like him anyway...'

Your wouldn't expect some one who just had their leg cut off to go run on the leg that was left, would you?

Estrangement is painful, damaging and life destroying- not the best thing since sliced bread. Let's stop pretending...

I don't think people are suggesting estranged parents should "pretend" by saying "leave them be"or "enjoy your life"! They are rather suggesting that acceptance that an AC has made this decision leads to acceptance of a new reality for their life in future and that might enable them to create a new version to the life that they had expected.

Estrangement IS a source of grief. Just as when a loved one dies and those left behind have to come to terms with a new reality , so estranged parents have to come to terms with a new reality without their loved AC.

thank you for all of your very kind words. As I said above the day got to me & brought lots of memories back. We've recently had his child - almost 8 & a total delight - staying with us for a weeks holiday, so nice.
But I wont taint her relationship with her Dad, I do know for certain that he loves her dearly & I've heard/read of families that can be torn apart when adults use children as pawns.
She did love looking through some of our albums with her Dad as a little boy too, so at this early stage I might plan on a treasure box to keep any cards & gifts in for him too.

I have a small box that I keep little gifts & messages to us from our grandchild, full of loomband animals, origami shapes & plasticene snails

Thanks again - his estrangement stuff is like a pebble on water - the ripples go out & affect so many people. And also, you never know what someone else is dealing with too - hugs & a deep breath to you all too

I know what estrangement feels like. I know in my life what it feels like for others.
I am not anti-hope, quite the opposite. None of us knows what lies around the corner in this life and I do know many who have been reconciled after many years, with varying levels of success.
Estrangement does cause depression, anxiety, loss of self esteem because others tell me this all the time and I have experienced it myself.
There are many Grans on here who speak about the impact estrangement has had on them, including OP.
Not everyone can 'move on,' especially when it comes to trigger events such as birthdays and Christmas.
People can learn to live with it, of course, but to say people can and should get on with their lives is not so easy and doesn't reflect the complexities of human relationships.
On the other hand, it seems to some that I am way out in my opinions, and so I will now bow out of this discussion.