Low contact

Smileless2012

Yes it is Madgran and not only does it take 'two to tango' it also takes at least two to make a relationship work so if one doesn't want to at least try, it's never going to happen.

Agreed.

Thus quit the dance, allowing relationship to taper off.

Yes it is Madgran and not only does it take 'two to tango' it also takes at least two to make a relationship work so if one doesn't want to at least try, it's never going to happen.

If one party has been eg. seriously financially abused by the other party and the abused person estranges from their financial abuser then would that be "shared fault" in the breakdown of that relationship?

It is dangerous to generalise on causes of relationship breakdown and "fault"!

Low contact tapers to no contact not necessarily Norah; sometimes low contact manages to save a relationship.

Thank you GNHQ for your prompt response .

when a relationship breaks down its rarely just one person's fault regardless of whether it's the parent or child.

Indeed. Two to tango.

Dancing becomes too difficult? Quit.

Low contact tapers to no contact.

TheLooker is I suspect a previously banned poster Fallingstar so I've asked GNHQ to investigate.

TheLooker, how do you know these members??
Are you allowed to make such personal and hurtful comments about them on this site??
Am sorry but imho you are certainly not keeping to any kind of guidelines. Am not sure how to have your post removed, am relatively new, but somebody should have it removed.

Starfire57, I really don't believe things are ever one sided...

Every couple of years there’s a new obnoxious internet catch phrase for basic life happenings that are neither new nor revolutionary. It’s just that co-opting these phrases makes sheep think they are onto something. The reality is that the phrases themselves are the trends, not the actions.

It’s always been perfectly normal for people to spend little to no time with those who drain them or whose company they otherwise do not enjoy. That’s life. Whether it parents or co-workers, it’s been perfectly normal to distance from those who take from our overall happiness. It was just done without all the drama and announcements in many cases. In the modern world, personal freedom is more valuable to individuals than societal expectations and previous norms, so it’s not as hush hush to distance from family as it used to be.

Op, you too have the same freedoms available to choose your relationships. If once a week is too much for you, find whatever frequency of visitation suits you and implement it. I don’t really get the point in stewing about fixable issues, or random internet articles that do not reflect your reality.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Estrangement has always been around but social media hasn’t, and I think there is a lot of damaging advice on social media advising people to go low or no contact if a relationship is annoying them, without abuse even being a factor. Have even seen it on this site when someone might mention a best friend of many years getting too clingy after losing a loved one and the general consensus is to just go low or no contact.
When I was younger I had plenty of annoying relatives and my parents were by no means perfect. I have also got friends who can annoy the hell out of me at times. But who’s to say I am not annoying as well, would hate for anyone to suddenly cut off from me without any explanation.
Is a horrible trend that is causing untold damage and heart ache.
Where did the old nugget of advice ‘talk about it’ go, and after talking about it talk some more. Relationships are difficult, we have to work at them. But seems this advice is no longer relevant.

Why such denial? because if it can happen to us, it could happen to them Starfire. If we can be estranged by the AC we 'd had a great relationship with up until being estranged, whose to say it couldn't happen to anyone?

The reality IMO that's being denied is this can happen to anyone.

Fallingstar

Well is refreshing to see parents, and especially mothers - quelle surprise - are being blamed yet again.
No relationship in life is easy, and I imagine if these selfsame adults were to apply this rule to other people in their lives they would find themselves going no contact with a fair few of them. But parents are easy game. And this trend is not encouraging adults to work at relationships and not just give up, surely there are numerous parents who equally find their adult children infuriating at times. Have read many posts on here from parents and grandparents at their tethers end because an adult child is so
unreasonable and hurtful.
Every relationship works both ways. To insist this is a one way street is as damaging as the relationship the adult child wants to go low contact with.
Of course with abusive narcissistic parents, or those suffering substance abuse, I can understand this.
I wonder if the mother described in the Guardian by her daughter ever got a chance to give her side of things?
Am supposing not.

I like what you wrote here. Yes, it is doubtful the mother got her chance, but if she did, I am sure the daughter would say it's all a lie.

It's funny that children claim to have better memories of their childhood than their parents, who were adults at the time , when we know young minds growing cannot comprehend or understand like adults.

Interesting how that works.

And I do believe the reason they never really go low or no contact with friends is because they know deep down, those friends would get over it pretty quick. They wouldn't be on a message board like this still crying over them.

Grammaretto

I had an intense, difficult relationship with my mother as I was growing up. She was widowed, depressed and lonely and had survived a very difficult childhood and life. If therapy had been a thing back then it would have helped both of us.

When in my 30s, I was happily settled 500 miles away with 3 DC, mum came to live with us. It was a mistake because however hard I tried to pretend we had changed and I could now cope with her mood swings I found myself reverting to my teenage anger. I didn't like myself at all.

Luckily we both recognised the mistake and she moved after a few years to her own home 500 miles away and our relationship instantly improved.
We phoned every week and shared holidays She came to stay each summer. Her DGC liked her well enough and she loved them.

My DC and I communicate by text often, phone occasionally and see eachother intermittently, not regularly.

I'm sure my own experience has affected my relationship with them. I want to give them the 'space' I didn't have.

It's hard to understand our parents at times, but at least if we try, unlike some these days, we are doing right.

My mom was great but difficult too. For years I resented her over protectiveness of me; felt trapped as a teen. Then one day, when I was a still a teen, my cousin let out a secret, that, my mom later told me she was going to tell me after I was an adult, by showing me an old picture of a little boy and saying this was your brother......

I asked my mom about him. She was so mad my cousin told me . So apparently, my mom had been married before my dad when she was very young. She had a little boy.

When he was only 3, he and his father died from TB complications. She somehow survived.

Well, there you go. She lost a 3 year old son. I can only imagine how horrible that was for her. I can suspect, when she had me, she had many fears of losing another child.

Lesson is, people sometimes have reasons for their behavior. It's a shame others may not understand.

Of course, a hard life wouldn't be license to mistreat others, hurt someone, etc. .....but if someone isn't the picture of perfection, sometimes, this is why.

Madgran77

Just daft really Starfire. Something I have observed is that some parents of young children seem to view expressions of support/backing up a point made etc to their children as "interference". I have not really been able to work out why.

If grandparents have a relationship with their grandchildren the GC are pretty likely to moan to the GP if unhappy about something - maybe something their parent does not allow or does that is irritating, or whatever. As a grandparent its always best as we know to back the parent or at the very least be non committal. But if doing that is viewed as "interference" or unnecessary because "they know" (as in your case) then I have no idea what a grandparent is supposed to do. Presumably ignoring the grandchild would be wrong too!

I wonder if your daughter hears your comment backing her up as patronising maybe ...not ghat itvis meant that way but it might be something to consider as a reason for the problem. I think you are right to just not comment atall in trying to help! 🤔😏

Thank you. Yes, I think too, perhaps she doesn't like the idea he may listen to me or look at me as someone who can guide him too, in any way?

Right now I see her as being very, very controlling of her son, not in a good way. Kids definitely need control, but she really goes too far, to the point I can see it's hard for them to have fun. She has never been the same since her divorce.

Once in awhile, he fights back a bit, challenges her. I have, up until now, always defended her, but I think it's time to end that.

She has said bad things about me to them, they've told me.

Why on earth am I still compelled to be on her side of things, I don't know. I am really fighting to not be, it's only making her mad, she doesn't appreciate anything.

It's my nature, it's habit I am trying so hard to break, supporting my kids. I've always done it. It's ingrained in me.

I think it's because my mother was so protective of me and my brother. She even said once if someone did something really bad to me she would have no problem buying a gun and killing them! She said jail wouldn't bother her .

I don't know if that was just her emotions talking or she meant for real! Idk. She was raised in the hills of Tennessee and was pretty tough. So, could be.

So family and protecting, standing up for my kids came pretty natural for me.

But, at this point I'd rather just have my grandson see that I defend him, not her, of course not openly, but not backing her up anymore.

Smileless2012

Damned if you do and damned if you don't Starfire.

You said it!!!!

Smileless2012

^there are certain characteristics and events that can move that dial well towards one of the people in the relationship^ very well put Madgran. That person can be the parent, the AC or a third party like the AC's partner/husband/wife.

We had no part in the breakdown of the relationship with our ES MarieElla. We had a wonderful relationship with him for 27 years until he married and their first child was born.

Were we perfect parents? Of course not, because there's no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child.

You are completely and 100% correct, as usual Smileless2012.

I just do not understand why there are people who cannot accept this simple truth, that sometimes things are indeed one sided. They can't even use simple logic, like 27 years of a great relationship didn't exist?, Were these people there seeing it all, hiding in your closet all that time?

My god, it's astounding how some people live in denial of certain things and simply cannot accept the truth.... that there are people who will throw their parents away for no real reason except convenience, pleasing another person, or downright cold hearts.

Why such denial? Why put younger adults on a pedestal like that?

Maybe we have a strong inner urge for explanations and logical reasons for things. But sometimes, things happen with no logic attached. Sometimes, it's just simply bad things happen to even good people.

Well, it's the truth. And it sucks. People need to see that and deal with it. Deal with the fact that the most loving parent can be hurt and resentful of that.

Just daft really Starfire. Something I have observed is that some parents of young children seem to view expressions of support/backing up a point made etc to their children as "interference". I have not really been able to work out why.

If grandparents have a relationship with their grandchildren the GC are pretty likely to moan to the GP if unhappy about something - maybe something their parent does not allow or does that is irritating, or whatever. As a grandparent its always best as we know to back the parent or at the very least be non committal. But if doing that is viewed as "interference" or unnecessary because "they know" (as in your case) then I have no idea what a grandparent is supposed to do. Presumably ignoring the grandchild would be wrong too!

I wonder if your daughter hears your comment backing her up as patronising maybe ...not ghat itvis meant that way but it might be something to consider as a reason for the problem. I think you are right to just not comment atall in trying to help! 🤔😏

Damned if you do and damned if you don't Starfire.

Gran22boys

I’m not estranged but I can see how it happens. A parent often trying to be helpful just says something that is blown up out of all proportion and then the adult child decides low or no contact. It’s ridiculous and not helped by the internet which says things like your friends are your family. The truth is I guess that our children don’t love us that much because of all the mistakes they think we’ve made.

Being helpful. Yes we try. But matmybe its a waste of time. Here's a good one, just this week my daughter told her son something and I turned to him and told him, your mom is right. Yep, like a good supportive mom would..... despite the way she has treated me since her divorce and talked against me to her children...

Well , her response was don't tell him that, he knows I am right.

I said well, just trying to help.

But I can now truly say, I won't ever make the mistake of supporting her again, that's for sure.

Furret has not said that once a week is low contact, she has said she sees her D once a week and would happily go low contact with her, presumably meaning that once a week for her, is too much.

there are certain characteristics and events that can move that dial well towards one of the people in the relationship very well put Madgran. That person can be the parent, the AC or a third party like the AC's partner/husband/wife.

We had no part in the breakdown of the relationship with our ES MarieElla. We had a wonderful relationship with him for 27 years until he married and their first child was born.

Were we perfect parents? Of course not, because there's no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child.

Once a week is not low contact, to me.
Our adult children have things to do, work to achieve, children to raise.

MarieElla

Oh well smileless2012, we all have to take responsibility for our part in a relationship breakdown....

Ofcourse we should all take (relevant) responsibility in relationships that breakdown! And yes it may well be "fault" on both sides although there are certain characteristics and events that can move that dial well towards one of the people in the relationship.

But what has that got to do with a poster asking if anyone has suggested that one week is low contact? 🤔

LOUISA, not really, my point is that, when a relationship breaks down its rarely just one person's fault regardless of whether it's the parent or child.