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Since Christmas and beginning of February I have had three shocking bits of news from my son and daughter in law. I live on my own and have been distraught. I process one thing then then there are more shocks. I feel I have been in a constant state of recalibrating mode for 2 months.
The day before Christmas Eve they cancelled my stay with them for Christmas due to an argument they’d had. I had been looking so forward to being with them both. I had bought nice presents, bought a new outfit etc.. I had no provisions in at all for myself and shops were sold out Christmas Eve of most things. I spent Christmas on my own. It was if my Christmas just disappeared. Their Christmas, I felt continued as they had company with my Daughter in laws cousins staying with them after Boxing Day to NY. I was told ‘to move on’ and that as a mother in law by her and that I should be understanding that they had been having problems, when I had said how upset and disappointed I had felt by them cancelling me at the very last minute.
Beginning of January I hear ‘Chinese Whispers’ that they may be moving to Dubai. I was recalibrating after the Christmas fiasco and this news floored me. They had told me in December they are expecting a baby, my first Granchild and I had been over the moon. My son visited me in the NY to confirm about the Dubai move and apologised for not handling Christmas well. I asked him when would they be moving and he said probably later this year. He understood throughly how I’ve been feeling and said he’s sorry but they feel they dont have a choice but to leave England.
I hadn’t heard from my daughter in law since the Christmas aftermath. I decided to be the bigger person and call her at end of January. My son was away in Dubai sourcing things for their move. It was a very stilted polite conversation. She never mentioned their move to me what so ever and this is such a life changing situation for me. I felt that a well tuned person would have said something along the lines ‘ sorry about the big upheaval , I know it’s not how you were expecting life in the future to be like’ etc… How on earth could she just ignore ‘the elephant in the room’…. I know we see life through a different lens but I feel there is no excuse.
Towards the end of the conversation I asked if she had started buying anything for the baby. I nearly fell off my chair when she casually said; ‘ No, I guess it makes sense to buy everything in Dubai when we arrive’, as that was saying that she wouldn’t be having the baby here, like I thought. She had previously discussed her local hospital care back in December, so there was no reason for me to think otherwise that the baby would be born here. I really thought I would have included in the birth and had a few months of time bonding with the baby. I had to end the call as I was so shocked. They live in London but surely they could have sat me down and told me this. Once again I sobbed trying to process things
I feel completely minimised and my feelings dismissed. I addressed the situation with my son and just talking about it made me emotional. He said I could visit 3 months after the birth. I know for a fact they will never return home for visits. Their visits to my house as it are very limited as they have a dog that doesn’t like cats and I have a cat. So at the very most I think I will only get to see my grandson twice a year maximum. They have never been great text communicators, so I can’t see regular baby updates becoming a thing.
I know there are Grandparents on here that are estranged from their Grandchildren and it must be heartbreaking. I just feel I was never given a chance. One of their reasons for the move is they will have larger accommodation and a live in nanny with cheap labour. The thought of a stranger helping to bring up my Grandson is very upsetting. I was a very good mother and could have ‘brought a lot to the table’.
So to recap; I’m not involved in any baby shopping together/pregnancy, or the birth. It’s as if it’s not actually happening and feels surreal. My daughter in law doesnt have a mother or many relatives but has friends out in Dubai who are expecting children this year. She will have a support network. I just feel redundant. It’s as if I am to put up and shut up and accept everything that is thrown my way without any consideration.
My mum had a wonderful bond with my son as I included her in every aspect of his life. When they told me about the baby I was envisaging my life with my grandson and felt so purposeful. I only have a small family and don’t see them much of them. I only have a few friends and my son means the world to me.
Please don’t tell me to build a new life for myself. I have tried my best over the years and with the best will in the world it hasn’t been easy. I am a great believer in that your children
should live their own lives and I’m happy for them but my heart is breaking. They previously lived in Hong Kong 6 years ang and got married there and never invited anyone, it took me time to get over that situation. They have been career focused workaholics and are hyper independent. They have over looked lots of family celebratory landmarks with me due to being away on their many holidays at the time.
Another factor is that my ex husbands family, whom I have done my best to disassociate myself with over the years, spend time in Dubai and will be no doubt a big presence in the baby’s life. If another one of them says to me that I will have nice holidays in Dubai and we can all meet up,I will scream. I don’t like them and it’s a part of the world I immensely dislike. If and when I am invited for 2 weeks it will be purely for time with my immediate family. .
Surely my feelings should be acknowledged by my daughter in law…. I’m not a robot fgs! Are we just supposed to take all these decisions out of the blue, without a care in the world… I don’t know how to address this or react to anything. They are having a big baby shower and it will include my ex in laws etc… Under normal circumstances I would be feeling so happy. I can’t help feeling robbed of how I thought my future would be.
Annealise
You have to give them roots and wings.
They fly the nest, you hope they might return occasionally but,, like birds, they may choose another place to roost and to nest.
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Thank to all of you that responded with encouraging kind comments and suggestions. It was most appreciated. I truly hope if you have issues with your children that they are resolved over time.
To the others that were rude and nasty (some of you apparently have a history of making unpleasant comments - what very sad people you must be), you obviously have no manners and need to learn some diplomacy or not be on support groups such as this one.
If you are estranged from your children/granchildren then it is apparent it is for a very good reason. I wont be reading any more replies, so please don’t waste your time replying to my comments to you.
I think it’s really hard for the OP. I had children and always expected to be part of their lives which thankfully I am. I can totally understand the hurt and sadness the OP feels.
Our children have their own lives to lead. Surely you didn't think your daughter in law would like her mother in law at her very intimate time at her baby's birth.
Just be thankful that your son is settled and leading is own life. He is indapendant now.
As some posters have said, you need to live your own life now and let your son and his wife live theirs.
Best wishes 
You are very rude and must either have a sad life, or a lot of time to delve into my past posts and then make disparaging and insulting remarks.
Thank you for your kind comments. All you want from your children is respect and consideration and to feel wanted. I think you ‘tend to put your eggs in one basket’ when you have just the one. They don’t owe you anything and you don’t expect much from them, but my son and I went through a lot in life together when he was young. We had a very strong bond. I had two jobs to put him through private education and I sacrificed a lot and it paid off for him. Yes bit apprehensive about visits and also have health issues that would prevent me visiting for 3 days like some bright spark on here suggested.
I guess I’ve pre-empted things re communicating out there with me, as previously due to their demanding work load on phones, my DIL said she hates using her phone out of work and so, rarely answered my few texts. I found out yesterday that WhatsApp videos and voice calls/ FaceTime are banned in Dubai. I guess there must be an app you can use to get around that though…
Thank you. I appreciate your comments. I never thought for one moment there would be sad trolls in a group such as this, however someone did sent me a PM to warn me earlier.
I don’t have any expectations or entitlement. I just wanted clarity and respect about a life changing situation and maybe I wouldn’t have become distressed about things.
So nice that you have five children it must be lovely.
Annealuse
Your last paragraph of your post asks how you are supposed to react.The answer is there is no way other than make the best of it if you want any contact at all.
There are a few sad individuals who come on here just to upset and are never happier when making mischief, you have to wonder why, its sad really. To look back years about a poster, who has the time? So just don't read their posts anymore and concentrate on making a different life to the one you expected, there is no point dwelling on what iff as your life is just drifting by.
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Because they want to go to Dubai and do their own thing. Live the life they want.
You have to fit in with their life.
That's what happens when you've grown a human, you let them go.
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I thought about maybe buying the pram , it hasn’t been mentioned yet and it wasn’t to alter their decision Lol. I was going to suggest it when they were planning to stay in London. It was something I hear Grandparents do as a big expense. No one would turn an expensive kind gesture down.
You thought about maybe buying the pram but it hadn't mentioned yet?
But you said you were buying a £700 pram?
She was having the baby in London and up until a few weeks ago was discussing the hospital she’s been attending.
.My son is self employed and can be based anywhere in the world with his work. He can take as much time off as he wants, so he wouldn’t have missed the birth. Unless you know the facts please don’t assume things.
She has no immediate family in Dubai either , so I don’t know what that has to do with anything. They were planning to spend 3 months after the baby was born in London, wher she DOES have family, albeit her husbands.
You still could offer to buy them a pram.
Apologies.
I hope you find a way to live and enjoy your life and still include your son and his family. They shouldn't be your main focus after all these years.
I thought about maybe buying the pram , it hasn’t been mentioned yet and it wasn’t to alter their decision Lol. I was going to suggest it when they were planning to stay in London. It was something I hear Grandparents do as a big expense. No one would turn an expensive kind gesture down.
How very mature of you. Read the rules . This is a support group not a firing squad.
Thank you for your comments. Yes, dragging past history up on here is futile. I never thought someone would be so churlish to do that. They must have a lot of time on their hands.
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