Feeling minimised and my feelings not considered. Advice needed. Please be kind.

Annelise you posted three years ago about this selfish couple and were advised they probably won’t change, it was suggested you divert your energy elsewhere. Did you ever get your money back I wonder?
Living your life through your children rarely ends happily, the world has changed since your son was born and I think your previous expectations, particularly with the history, were unrealistic.
You really need to try and find some other pleasures in life, these two won’t change, as long as you keep up your expectations, you’ll get hurt.
I’m sorry.

He understood throughly how I’ve been feeling and said he’s sorry but they feel they dont have a choice but to leave England

I think you need to take that on board.

I am sorry though that things are not working out at all how you would have liked.

Of course she's going to have the baby in Dubai; its common sense.

she won't be able to fly during the final month of the pregnancy, the baby won't be able to fly until 2 weeks old.

So she would have to spend at least six weeks in UK, where she has no immediate family of her own. Her husband, in a new job, is unlikely to get six weeks leave; so he might very well miss the birth in UK. Birth in uk would mean her being separated from him at a very vulnerable time.

A three day trip to Dubai inc flight and hotel, can cost under £600. You can travel there safely alone, as often as you can afford, without imposing on son and dils hospitality.

Annealise
I’m sorry, but you really have to be honest with yourself.
After all the upset 3 years ago it was never going to bode well.
If you want to see your grandchild I’m afraid your going to put on a brave face, smile and just go with the flow ( obviously while your in Dubai)
It’s that or the alternative.

They are leading their own lives, you need to back off, wish them the very best for their exciting move, and assure them that they have your blessing. I think you’re being rather silly, needy and selfish, frankly.

I’m blowed if I’d have wanted my mother or my MIL shopping for baby goods when I had mine, though both were kind enough to make some clothes. You don’t “bond” with a grandchild when it’s a new baby anyway. Be thankful that it’s the 21st century, video calls are easy, so are flights. Thirty years ago you’d have only had phone calls, sixty years ago you’d be waiting for the postman to bring a letter and photos.

Life goes on, so will yours.

My son has lived in China for 15 years, married his Chinese wife out there and their child was born there, I do have some sense of what it’s like at a distance.

You can live 1 mile away and still feel ‘minimised’.
Lowering your expectations is the best way forward.
Unlike me, some posters have very good memory. I don’t know what happened three years ago.
I wish you well. As earlier poster says, ‘life goes on, so will yours.’
Good luck Annealise

I feel really sorry for the OP. I would feel exactly the same as she does. It is very sad for her. I know lots of people say adult children should make their own lives. Of course but surely parents/grandparents should still play a role.

We all know what we would like, but our children are independent and make their decisions about their lives and all we can do is accept them and adjust our expectations.

My daughter decided early that she did not want a husband or partner and she did not want children. Knowing that we accepted it and we never indulged in any hopes that she might change her views. She is now past the menopause and doesn't regret her decision. You must do the same thing.

I have no other advice sorry but for you to look forward to seeing your new grandchild when he's born

It sounds like there are several things going on which are making you very unhappy. Not only is your only? child moving far away, but your first DGC will be born far away and also that your son's father will have more to do with the DGC than you will.
The repercussions of a marriage break up go on and on.

I am sorry for you but by keeping the unrealistic dream you are making yourself miserable.

I think you should be more pragmatic. Arrange to visit at 3 months and again if you can afford it.

My friend has her only DGC in Canada. She only sees her once a year but speaks regularly on video call, reads her stories, makes her clothes and toys , sends presents and they have a lovely relationship.
This child is 7 now.

I am afraid given your background, your expectations, even if they stayed in England, are 100% unrealistic.
That is the main issue here.

www.gransnet.com/forums/estrangement/1320138-I-m-heartbroken-Any-advice-please?

I understand you’re hurt and upset annelease. I can only agree with others, it will be to everyone’s benefit if you can be pragmatic.

Many of us have ideas about the future, pictures in our heads of how it will be whether in an hour, a day, a year or ten years. Those pictures are just that, they’re pictures. Sometimes close to reality, often not at all as you are finding now. If you can start with a fresh canvas, recreate your pictures from this new reality you’ll be on your way to adapting. It is possible to keep in touch remotely, to visit, to adjust and find a different reality which is just as fulfilling. Be respectful of the young family’s choices, listen to their plans and adapt your own. A smile can be heard in a phone call and make a huge difference. Your son understands how hard this is for you. Make that first step and the rest will come.

Wishing you well.

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Annalease you have expectations of involvement that are way above normal and you will always feel let down and left out
I m afraid. Our children are only with us for a short time. Some stay near, others are more adventurous. We have to accept exactly what they want, it’s their lives not ours
I had my first child in Hong Kong and my parents didn’t see her until she was nearly 2 years old, no videos in those days they only had letters and photos It didn’t stop them having a close relationship later My son moved to New Zealand 27 years ago and both his children have been born over there and I’ve seen very little of them but I totally accept this. It’s their lives not mine. In fact all seven of my grandkids have been born overseas, but two moved back and three are closer and I ve had a great relationship with all of them It is not what I envisaged but it has been wonderful in its own way

You said .. ‘don’t tell me to build a new life for myself’ but that’s the only way I’m afraid, you have to live your own life not live through your children and grandchildren. It’s sad when you only have a small family, as an only child of an only child I have a very very small family.
The more you push to be involved the further they will pull away
It’s sad for you but you have to make the best if it We are often not given an easy hand as we dreamed and expected
I wish you every good wish but your life in the future is yours to make as good as you can, don’t turn on yourself and spend your days mourning what you haven’t got, but encompassing things you still have got

Sadly the situation where a married son or daughter and their spouse are workaholics and wrapped up in their own affairs showing little concern for a mother is not uncommon.
I have just read your 2023 post Annealise where you mentioned you were not invited to their wedding , your Christmas stay was cancelled at short notice and you felt unwelcome when you stayed with the couple on London. Mother's Day and birthdays are not acknowledged and your son did not share his intention to move to Dubai with you. Now they expect a baby, your first grandchild who will be born and live there and you are disappointed that your feelings regarding the move have not been considered. I can understand how disappointed you feel and perhaps resentful or angry at the lack of feelings/communication? Given how you've been treated in the past perhaps you should think very carefully about how a trip to Dubai would work out. Hopefully there will be time for discussion and a chance to build bridges before your son and daughter in law leave for Dubai. Good luck and try to keep up with your social activities and interests.

A very good post above from BlueBelle

Your son seems to appreciate how you feel. Perhaps his wife changed her mind about having you stay? As for the move to Dubai, it is their life and if they feel that they have no future in this country, they are doing the right thing.
Sorry, but you have no choice but to accept the situation.

If they have always been this way, you can't expect them to change now especially with a baby on they way.
If it's your son's work they are moving for they have given it a lot of thought and are doing what is best for their little family.

Your expectations and theirs haven't matched up which is ok. It's their life to live how they want to, they shouldn't have to factor in what you want too especially with such different lifestyles.

Bluebelle is right, unfortunately you will have to make a life of your own, there's no other way for you.

Be happy you've raised a strong man, who works very hard and wants the best for his wife and child.

I feel for you . I really do . Sadly it does feel that you must accept you are not part of their lifes . I was in a similar situation and was kept at arms length so I can empathise. Somehow you must try to find a life for yourself and I know that can be hard feeling how you do . I do wish you happiness . Sadly I know of other parents who are not part of their adult children's/ granchildrens lifes so I understand the pain and loss . Look after yourself .

'don't tell me to build a new life for myself' but what's the alternative Annealise? No one's saying it's easy; it isn't as I know being an EP and never having had a relationship with our only GC but this is a situation over which you have no control.

Although your son appears to be taking your feelings into consideration with what he says, he doesn't IMO appear to be doing so practically.

Why did he tell you the move would probably be later this year, when he must have known that wasn't the case if the baby's to be born in Dubai? It's perfectly understandable that you assumed you would see your GC if only for a short time based on what he told you. No wonder you're so disappointed and upset.

I'm so sorry but I just don't think you are ever going to have the relationship with your son, d.i.l. and GS that you like so many parents and GP's, us included, thought they would have .

Your son and d i l don't seem to be too concerned for your feelings.
ACs have their own lives and we have to respect that. It's what we wanted for them when we brought them up.

I think they could have handled things better and not caused you so much hurt but they are moving on with their lives and it's a new and exciting time for them.
It is hard letting them go but to keep any relationship going you have to wish them well in their new venture and do it with a smile.
I know someone who lives 20 minutes walk from his son but he never visits his dad.
Distance doesn't have to be the end.
Make plans to visit and send texts and emails but not too often and that way you can keep a relationship going.
They may even come back to the UK.

You owe it to yourself to live the best life you can independently. I wish you well 💐

So sorry Annealise for your predicament. Take the upper hand, do a bit of homework, find a time of the year when you'd like to go to Dubai for a month, ask if they want you to stay with them or get an Airbnb (a fortnight £400) for 2wks and stay with them for 2. Maybe your birthday, baby's birthday...
A friend with DGC in NZ usually goes annually, writes, sends funny little gifts, facetimes, and manages.

Annealise So sorry to read your upset, I would feel the same as you.

I fell pregnant when I lived in Africa, came back to UK to have my first born, when I was 7.5months, staying with my M&D but then went back when baby was 6weeks old. I know my mum must have been distraught at us leaving, didn't realise how much till years later. No mobiles then so only the slow post for updates and pictures, unlike now. I did return to UK when my little one was 2yrs, Souley to include my M&D & sister in her upbringing. We were all close, a year later I had a son and a year after that we moved to Holland, but it was near enough for frequent visits and we all remained closed.

So just highlighting that things do change, they may come back after a few years. You can take a few trips over when baby is 3mnths, as said, and then take it from there. Lots of video calls in-between.

So sorry you are going through this. Sadly many grandparents find themselves in your position, I have grandchildren in Australia whom I imagine I will not see again due to my DS now divorced from the mother and we can no longer travel to Australia.
I understand how sad you feel but in your case you have the chance to go to Dubai and enjoy your GC, I know you don’t like this because of your ex and his family but you can do your best to avoid seeing them.
If I had your set up I would settle for that if it means seeing your GC and helping your son and his wife.
Your future may not be the way you want it to be, but am afraid that’s life, wish your son and his wife well with this next step in their lives and try to be happy for them, and when they go go out there throw yourself into whatever you enjoy doing, keep busy, and remember that your life isn’t dependent upon what your son and his wife are doing, you have a life if your own so try filling it with whatever you fancy.
All the best.