Feeling minimised and my feelings not considered. Advice needed. Please be kind.

Who would do otherwise - sigh. Common decency to ask.

Why would I want to be in the right fgs! There’s nothing to be in the right for. I’m not against the move etc and if I was in their shoes I’d do the same. - I’m just a bit sad and wasn’t expecting it. It’s about respect and being transparent

Before you buy any baby items, check with your son and dil to make sure it is something they approve of and they have personally picked

My son unfortunately married a very self entitled career woman five years ago

You posted that in 2023.
He knew how how you felt about her and so did she.

You can carry on cutting off your nose to spite your face.

What a lonely life you must lead to look up past history of mine on here and make disparaging remarks. I am a kind, non demanding person and wasn’t in a million years expecting them to move away/or make plans so quickly without any consideration.. I’ve wished my son well and said it’s for the best - it’s the way it was done!

Annealise

Because it’s something her mother might have done if she was alive!. I wasn’t going to demand doing it. My sister went shopping for a pram and paid for it with both her daughters when they were expecting. It appears you can’t do right for wrong on here- sigh.

I honestly don’t think you’re listening to any of us. You’re so convinced you’re in the right, that seems the most important thing to you

I repeat, none of you have done, or are doing, anything wrong.

Please, try and go with the flow, plan that trip and don’t feel you’re being “estranged” You’re not!

No criticism here but do be careful. Adult children are going no contact due to parent's expectations quite a lot these days.

Of course you'll be upset when they move. Perfectly natural. But they need to live their lives. Just do your best to be supportive and get on with your life.

I’m sure it’s kindly meant but the £700 travel system aka pram is neither here nor there. And it’s not going to influence their decision. The only way to not push them away is to accept it with good grace, hide that you are hurting inside and hope that a visit when the baby is born will be welcome.
Remember many young couples discourage visiting in the early days or weeks so don’t be upset if that happens- it’s normal.
But to get back to the main issue, we cannot and must not live through our children and grandchildren- so you do need to build a life for yourself whether they move or not.

Because it’s something her mother might have done if she was alive!. I wasn’t going to demand doing it. My sister went shopping for a pram and paid for it with both her daughters when they were expecting. It appears you can’t do right for wrong on here- sigh.

Might.

Did you ask her?

Your first post 2023, they'd been together 5 years and you didn't like her.

She didn't offer to wash up or help clean up in your home. Did you include your son in that too?

Why on earth would be included at the birth?

Because it’s something her mother might have done if she was alive!. I wasn’t going to demand doing it. My sister went shopping for a pram and paid for it with both her daughters when they were expecting. It appears you can’t do right for wrong on here- sigh.

Annealise

I need to back off - that’s harsh! I’ve not said a word wrong and wished them happiness in their new venture. I kept my sadness to myself. All I wanted was transparency. A lot has changed with a short time of two months and any Grandparent to be would be upset that their ownly family is moving half way around the world. Did you not know that not considering people is a lack of respect. ..
FYI I was going to buy them a £700 pram, sorry if you think that’s not something nice to do and forgive me for wanting to
that with my DIL who doesn’t have a mother

I think they kept the time short Re informing you of thier plans because they knew what the fallout would be.
I think your reaction to your Xmas being cancelled was very telling.
Your reaction was to tell them how upset and disappointed you were.
I’ve had 2 Xmas day cancellations the reason being the same as your son and daughter in laws.
My reaction was: are you ok? Don’t worry, see you when I see you.
As for having no food in 🤷‍♀️

Annealise

I need to back off - that’s harsh! I’ve not said a word wrong and wished them happiness in their new venture. I kept my sadness to myself. All I wanted was transparency. A lot has changed with a short time of two months and any Grandparent to be would be upset that their ownly family is moving half way around the world. Did you not know that not considering people is a lack of respect. ..
FYI I was going to buy them a £700 pram, sorry if you think that’s not something nice to do and forgive me for wanting to
that with my DIL who doesn’t have a mother

I honestly don’t think anyone here is being harsh, blunt, yes, honest, yes, but most of all realistic. You have done nothing wrong, but then neither have your son or DiL.

I think it’s all very sad. Christmas was awful and cancelled far too late.

However, they are not estranging you, just living their own lives the way they want to.

Please, please don’t push them further away from you by expecting anything from them at all.

Please try really hard to draw some positives from this, your son does want you to visit and to meet your grandchild.

Do it, make the plans to go and see them.

Please try and find some other pleasures in your life too

You do need to let go, you don't have the relationship you expected to have, they have been together a long time.

*FYI I was going to buy them a £700 pram, sorry if you think that’s not something nice to do and forgive me for wanting to
that with my DIL who doesn’t have a mother*

Your DIL has a mother but you mentioned she died. Not sure what's that to do with a pram?

Anna, I really feel for you, I am afraid you keep hoping for a relationship you can never have. I an not surprised it was Hithere that dug up your old post. Must admit I never go back to find out what people have previously posted. I did read it however and your dil has no empathy or has any. duty to you so will never change. You have to enjoy those times your son contacts you but expect nothing, then you cannot be disappointed, please alter your life, try new things. Maybe try to volunteer once a week, helping others often does as much for the volunteer. Its a real bonus to have a good relationship with a dil but so many don’t, but nothing you do can change it.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Judy54

I would be happy that they were making their own way in life and give them my support. There are so many ways to stay in touch these days via social media. Many years ago that would not have been possible. My Parents moved 300 miles away from their families but it may as well have been 3000. The only way of staying in touch was by letter most people did not have telephones then and it was a twelve hour journey along with two very young children to visit them occasionally. How the world has changed and made it possible for families to maintain contact from thousands of miles away. Wish them well for the future and let them live their lives how they want to, which I am sure is what you have done for yourself.

Yes, best be happy for young family!

I would be happy that they were making their own way in life and give them my support. There are so many ways to stay in touch these days via social media. Many years ago that would not have been possible. My Parents moved 300 miles away from their families but it may as well have been 3000. The only way of staying in touch was by letter most people did not have telephones then and it was a twelve hour journey along with two very young children to visit them occasionally. How the world has changed and made it possible for families to maintain contact from thousands of miles away. Wish them well for the future and let them live their lives how they want to, which I am sure is what you have done for yourself.

Gran22boys

I feel really sorry for the OP. I would feel exactly the same as she does. It is very sad for her. I know lots of people say adult children should make their own lives. Of course but surely parents/grandparents should still play a role.

It’s the “expectation” and almost “entitlement” that some parents have of their adult children.

We have children because we choose too, they are not like pets, we never “own” our children and to be very blunt, they owe us nothing, they did not choose to be born.

I was extremely fortunate to have lovely close relationships with both grandmothers, whilst growing up, though by the age of 15 all of my grandparents had died.

I also had loving, kind generous parents, who never ever interfered with the upbringing of my four children and who welcomed my amazing step-daughter into their lives when she was 11. She never lived with us but continued to visit my dear parents when she could.

We are lucky, we have 5 lovely kids between us and only ask for respect and if love comes with that, it’s a bonus despite living in different areas (well those who’ve moved out!!) we still manage a twice yearly full day or weekend away with each other and we all (seem) to get on well and enjoy it.

Take what you’re offered and smile.

I just don’t know how or where to start.

Firstly though I am sorry you feel so distraught and I understand why.

BUT, you literally cannot change anything so you really have no choice except to accept this situation and try and minimise your pain.

I’m sure if you speak with your son a WhatsApp group between you, he and the baby can be set up used maybe weekly. Also let him know how much you love him and would appreciate photos of them all in their new home.

Then get yourself busy, closer to the due date if your grandchild, to put together a lovely “welcome to the world” bundle to send via post to your new grandchild.

Write small short letters and send cards addressed to your grandchild regularly.

Don’t make your son feel guilty, he has his own family now and is doing what he feels is best for them.

Dubai certainly wouldn’t be my cuppa tea, but each to their own.

Good luck

I'd work on keeping a good relationship with my son. That is a door that has not been closed. Be positive with him, have occasional calls or WhatsApp on video, ask how they are getting on, no criticism. Say for example after the baby is born and a couple of weeks, could you have a photo etc.

Start from where he is.

Maybe I was fortunate, I was never as a child involved with my grandparents except for a rather selfish Nan. My own mum never put pressure on.

Grandchildren felt like a gift not an expectationI expect to have to live my own life, thats the way the cookie has crumbled: if I try to contact DiL directly, generally I get referred to my son. So now I go with this. But she does care: however both have fun time jobs, 4 grandchildren, one so severely disabled that she takes 60% parent time.

If I'm honest even if I lived round the corner, I'd be hankering for my own life, however difficult it is - although yes I do envy those with families who are all local and so on. but it just ain't that way.

I think the suggestions of going to Dubai and staying in a hotel are a good one, but you will probably have to deal with the realities of encountering your Ex's family.

You have to realise the truth, and that they are only concerned with themselves.
Why anyone would want to live in Dubai is beyond me tbh.
I would try and maintain cordial relations with them but no more than that, and I wouldn’t be flying out there to visit either.Build up relationships near home, that means you will have to join clubs and make friends but it’s worth it.
We only have a short time on this Earth so try and enjoy it and not expect your son and wife to be what you want them to be when they clearly aren’t.

Annealise Beginning of January I hear ‘Chinese Whispers’ that they may be moving to Dubai. I was recalibrating after the Christmas fiasco and this news floored me. They had told me in December they are expecting a baby, my first Granchild and I had been over the moon. My son visited me in the NY to confirm about the Dubai move and apologised for not handling Christmas well. I asked him when would they be moving and he said probably later this year. He understood throughly how I’ve been feeling and said he’s sorry but they feel they dont have a choice but to leave England.

Your son apologised for the Christmas problems. He said they were moving later this year, and is sorry they need to leave England.

What else do you want?

Our children grow in to adults, some move and some stay near. This seems normal to me. Not normal is expecting adult children to do as one wishes.

Perhaps look forward to the 3 month planned visit.

I hope you have a lovely visit and enjoy your son.

You said .. ‘don’t tell me to build a new life for myself’ but that’s the only way I’m afraid, you have to live your own life not live through your children and grandchildren

Never a truer word said!

BlueBelle

Annalease you have expectations of involvement that are way above normal and you will always feel let down and left out
I m afraid. Our children are only with us for a short time. Some stay near, others are more adventurous. We have to accept exactly what they want, it’s their lives not ours
I had my first child in Hong Kong and my parents didn’t see her until she was nearly 2 years old, no videos in those days they only had letters and photos It didn’t stop them having a close relationship later My son moved to New Zealand 27 years ago and both his children have been born over there and I’ve seen very little of them but I totally accept this. It’s their lives not mine. In fact all seven of my grandkids have been born overseas, but two moved back and three are closer and I ve had a great relationship with all of them It is not what I envisaged but it has been wonderful in its own way

You said .. ‘don’t tell me to build a new life for myself’ but that’s the only way I’m afraid, you have to live your own life not live through your children and grandchildren. It’s sad when you only have a small family, as an only child of an only child I have a very very small family.
The more you push to be involved the further they will pull away
It’s sad for you but you have to make the best if it We are often not given an easy hand as we dreamed and expected
I wish you every good wish but your life in the future is yours to make as good as you can, don’t turn on yourself and spend your days mourning what you haven’t got, but encompassing things you still have got

Excellent advice.

Why on earth would you expect to be involved in the baby’s birth? That’s way beyond normal expectation.